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Old 02-12-2011, 06:03 AM   #1
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not sure what to do about my boyfriend.

my newest boyfriend (which i've known for years) is the most sweetest guy i've ever dated in my life. i'm used to being treated like crap, but he goes out of his way to make me happy, he always puts me first(hard to find) i don't like always having it my way, it kind of drives me nuts! he never speaks up to tell me what HE wants to do, or ever talks about anything he enjoys doing etc.

He just won't open up, if i ask him if he wants to go somewhere etc he always says I don't care. He always says i don't care to anything, i tried asking him what would YOU like to do, and he always says the same answer I don't know i don't have anything i could think of to do i don't want to bore you etc.


I take him around my friends, and all he does is sit there, never talks doesn't initate conversation with any of them they've begun to become a little irritated with him thinking he is being rude (which he is not) because if they try to talk to him all he says is one worded answers.


I talk to his friends constantly, he'll never talk to mine. He's just really akward.

When he is around his friends he talks constantly and constantly...even more than he talks to me!!!

If i ever have a problem he never talks to me about it just sits there...like i'm talking to a wall, he never tells me whats on his mind or what is bothering him he doesn't tell me anything that happens in his life, it took him forever to tell me something his brother did to him that was horrible that happened while we were together, he just never mentioned it. it's like he's emotionless, theres nothing there, i don't know what to do with him. He is so sweet though always tells me im beautiful and always goes out of his way for me. He won't talk on the phone, only text, his mom told me he's had this problem forever he won't even talk to her only through text messages, she was crying when she told me this it must be very upsetting for her to deal with... i don't know what is wrong with him... i don't want to leave him but all my friends do is complain and say i have a huge personality and he has NONE at all... i shouldn't care what other people think but thats just an issue i have it makes me second guess things. It makes me worry, i don't want to be with someone forever when this is how he is, like its depressing me because i have no one to really talk to about stuff, and i would look to him, but he never makes me feel better! i always ask him how his day was or whats bothering him and well i get one worded answers usually i don't know what to do. please help.

 
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:10 AM   #2
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Re: not sure what to do about my boyfriend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennysixteen View Post
He is so sweet though always tells me im beautiful and always goes out of his way for me. He won't talk on the phone, only text, his mom told me he's had this problem forever he won't even talk to her only through text messages, she was crying when she told me this it must be very upsetting for her to deal with... i don't know what is wrong with him... i don't want to leave him but all my friends do is complain and say i have a huge personality and he has NONE at all... i shouldn't care what other people think but thats just an issue i have it makes me second guess things. It makes me worry, i don't want to be with someone forever when this is how he is, like its depressing me because i have no one to really talk to about stuff, and i would look to him, but he never makes me feel better! i always ask him how his day was or whats bothering him and well i get one worded answers usually i don't know what to do. please help.

I want you to re-read this passage from your post again, and again, very carefully, and then think long and hard, "Ok, WHY don't I want to leave him?" You should never, EVER stay with someone out of guilt or because you're scared of looking like the bad guy if you leave. And to be honest, this guy doesn't sound like a "nice guy." He sounds like a neurotic, self-absorbed mess. There's a difference between a nice guy and an obsequious sycophant. Your guy is the second one. A nice guy would be your equal, not lay down on the the ground and gladly be your doormat, always letting you, or even MAKING you, make all the decisions, a nice guy would talk to your friends, a nice guy would have his own plans, ideas, and life he wanted to share with you, not make you responsible for his happiness and wholeness.

If you don't want to live like this, you only have one choice - don't live like this. Only you know what will make you happy, and only you will be unhappy if you don't get it. You can either make him a little unhappy for a while, but maybe force him to face his demons and fix whatever mental problems that are keeping him from being a functional, normal, socially adept person, or you can stay with him and make yourself unhappy. It's your choice. But make no mistakes. You cannot change him, you can't save him, you can't fix him, and you can't love him into loving you the way you want him to. You don't have that kind of control over his emotions and personality.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-12-2011 at 10:11 AM.

 
Old 02-12-2011, 12:24 PM   #3
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Re: not sure what to do about my boyfriend.

Wow, my ex was EXACTLY like that. Woudn't talk to my friends and when I asked him how his day was at work he'd give me a one word answer. My friends said the same thing, that I have a lot of personality and he had none. He was borderline rude to them. He told me privately that they were all stupid. He never talked to his own family and complained to me that people just wouldn't mind their own business!

It didn't work out with us. I couldn't stand someone who only wanted to go to work and come home and hang out with me. No friends at all, and he didn't think I should have friends either. I had to break away. I am a social person and didn't want to sit home with him all the time. It didn't work out. Unless you want to spend all your time apoligizing to people for his rudeness, you should end it.

 
Old 02-12-2011, 12:38 PM   #4
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Re: not sure what to do about my boyfriend.

At first when reading this, I thought, well maybe he is just shy. No, after reading the whole post, I can tell you that he is a passive-aggressive mess, which is the worst possible person to date. My ex bf was passive-aggressive and it drove me up a wall! These type of people seriously lack normal communication skills and therefore it's pretty much doomed from start to finish. Communication is the most basic of all requirements for relationships. Without that, you might as well just be casual acquaintances. I wouldn't waste any more time trying to get him to change to be someone he isn't. He sounds like a dud.

 
Old 02-12-2011, 12:50 PM   #5
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Re: not sure what to do about my boyfriend.

Your instincts are on target. Something isn't right, and it's not that he's "too nice".
He sounds really passive-aggressive.

Saying "I don't care" to everything and responding to questions with "only one word answers" is classic passive-aggressive behavior.

I don't blame you for not being thrilled with this guy.
I doubt things will get any better; get out while you can.

Good luck.

 
Old 02-12-2011, 04:51 PM   #6
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Re: not sure what to do about my boyfriend.

You can't change him, you're either going to have to accept him as he is, or find someone to actually have a two-sided relationship with.

Your friends are correct, he is rude. You don't visit people and not talk to them, or just give one worded answers when spoken to, that is rude.

He doesn't care about how you feel, you said yourself he never makes you feel better. I wouldn't call a person who won't even talk to his own mother other than by texts the most sweetest guy ever. If, as his mother says, he's been like this forever then he's not going to change for you.

You're already fed up with this, can you imagine carrying on like this for years? Always having to make the decisions? This is what your life will be like with him.

 
Old 02-12-2011, 05:55 PM   #7
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Re: not sure what to do about my boyfriend.

Sounds like hes been this way for a very long time. I really doubt he will change thats who his personality is. I thought at first shy/confidence issues but its something else. He does sound boring. I honestly think one day you will leave him out of frustration and had enough of his no emotion, no speaking out ways. Dont stay out of guilt its no good for you, one life and you'll be wasting it on something that doesnt make you fully happy.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 02-13-2011 at 09:02 AM. Reason: Please do not post off-topic questions that may hijack a thread.

 
Old 02-14-2011, 11:52 AM   #8
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Re: not sure what to do about my boyfriend.

An obsequious sycophant? Uh, OK.

Look, if he doesn't make you happy, that's that. Some people are quiet and reserved. I don't think you've said nearly enough to start diagnosing this guy with various personality disorders. But it's really a non-issue. If you're not connecting with him, then it's not going to work out in the long run.

 
Old 02-14-2011, 02:47 PM   #9
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Re: not sure what to do about my boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by caberg View Post
An obsequious sycophant? Uh, OK.
Obsequious - obedient; dutiful. Sycophant - servile flatterer; fawning parasite. Basically, someone who uses being a doormat and being overly sweet, flattering and accommmodating as a way of sucking up to someone to try to make them like you, more of a manipulator than a sincere, genuine nice person. According to sixteen's original post, sounds like that's exactly what this guy is. If he were genuinely nice, he'd be nice to everyone, including his own mother and her friends, not just the people he wants something from. These words are not personality disorders, but rather character traits, which jennysixteen described. Whether or not these traits are indicative of any disorder, I would not hazard to guess, because as you said, it doesn't matter.

Sixteen, you are very young, and the fact of the matter is, you are most likely years and years, maybe even a decade or two, away from finding the person you will be spending the rest of your life with. Now is the time of your life when you should be dating around, seeing what's out there, who's a good fit and who isn't, and learning about the opposite sex and what you want from them. Not to saddle yourself with someone you don't really want to be with, who isn't good with your friends, who doesn't make you happy. It's really time to just move on from this guy, and learn whatever lessons you can from the experience.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-14-2011 at 02:53 PM.

 
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