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Old 02-14-2011, 01:40 PM   #1
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Getting overly depressed about getting older and not having a girlfriend..

So it is a vicious cycle. You want to meet somone to feel better about life and share it with another. But it is hard to feel good about yourself when you just have not had the experiences to make seem like you are loveable. Being unhappy with yourself is not attractive and also stifles your personality. Im 28 and going on 29. It is hitting me hard. I have a deceant life going for me and have a lot of positive attributes...but anytime I start to like a girl I will slowly show this desperate side to me which I cant seem to hide or fake not haveing. I like have this hidden loser deep inside me that always seems to win and cant think positively about myself no matter how good I am doing in every aspect of my life. I cant seem to get a girlfriend. At least now I have some friends and am getting invited to things. They are all a bit younger and still in to the party scene which I am so tired of. I cant seem to met a girl..not even online. I meet a girl receantly and she was so excited to be talking to me at first and then lost interest it seem and I have asked her if she want to meet up and she keeps pusing it off. It is depressing to not even be able to get a date. Well I am ranting right now because I feel sad and hopefully it will get better.

 
Old 02-14-2011, 06:27 PM   #2
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not haveing a girlfriend..

Waywardson,

Hello, I hope I can help a bit. It sounds as if you are being very hard on yourself, and before you even try, you have convinced yourself that it will not work. This has to do with negative self talk, and it enough to interrupt the natural flow of life, especially in relationships.

I encourage you to take some time, and learn the art of positive thinking. it is something we can learn and it will forever change the amount of happiness and pleasure you will get out of your own life. I have been practicing this myself for the last 7 years, and the rewards have been immense!

Hopefully I can give you the gist of it, enough to get you interested in learning to use it yourself. Not only will it affect relationships, but every facet of day to day life. Once you have it, it is yours forever.

We all have things in life that cannot be changed. For those, we can only change how we choose to let them affect us. In fact, everyday we are able to choose every reaction to the things that come our way. This is the basis. The goal is to think about everything and choose to react in a positive way. At first, it will be challenging, but with conscious thought and daily practice, it becomes second nature, and life will change, and you become in total control.

In your case, you will need to eliminate the negative self talk first, just do not allow your first thoughts to be involved in your choices. Then you can examine the other choices. Look for the positive one, and only use those for your reaction. Start with simple ones, for example...An annoying telemarketer calls and interrupts your dinner. Decide that it will NOT cause you any negative feelings, and respond accordingly. That's it!

Practice this on everyday encounters, and see how much better you feel about yourself. There are many books and information available to help. Look into positive thinking and own it. Eventually, you will have erased that first reaction of negativity. That in enough to open the door to a new way of life. People respond to positive people in an amazing way, and immediately

Change your way of thinking and change your life.
It is well worth a try, and I hope you find it a great tool for the rest of your life.

 
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Old 02-14-2011, 07:59 PM   #3
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not haveing a girlfriend..

Quote:
Originally Posted by waywardson View Post
but anytime I start to like a girl I will slowly show this desperate side to me which I cant seem to hide or fake not haveing.
I'd say this isn't true. It might not be comfortable, but you can learn to not come across as "desperate." Ordinarily, I would never encourage someone to be something other than themselves, but this could be seriously hindering you, not just with females, but in life. Have you ever heard the adage "fake it 'til you make it?" I was taught that in regards to dealing with drug addiction, but it works here as well. If you act confident, not arrogant, just self-assured, people will respond better, and you will gain real confidence. It'll become second nature. It's true, women don't like when men seem desperate, needy, act like a doormat, etc. In general, they like men to be strong and not be constantly doubting themselves. You seem very sweet, and I'm sure you will be able to have a fulfilling relationship if you don't give up.

 
Old 02-15-2011, 12:32 PM   #4
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not haveing a girlfriend..

Yes and thanks for the replies. Thing is when I wrote this last night I was still in a bad funk from the weekend. I went to a party with friends from work and got really drunk...we went out on the town I balcked out most of the night but remeber glimpses of doing embaressing thing and talking to people whom I would normally never talk to. I was hungover for about 2 days and was feeling quite low. The girl thing is still true, but I am diff lower when I have booze still in my system. I almost would rather just hang out alone then go out with freinds and drink...I am not the type that can go out and just chill sipping on water or something..I would rather be at home or doing something else. Like I said all I really want is to have a GF and be like a normal person and start a family. I understand the thing about fakeing it until you make it..and I really have been doing that for years.

I have actually become quite a bit more confident but still there is always this side to me that comes through at the last moment where I blow it with girls. I have so many times had girls excited to meet me and actually get concerned about how they act around me because they dont want to lose me...but then it slowly turns around to where they start to screen me away because I get weak and turn into the self conscious one .I have known a LOT of guys who are far more uglier than me and less talented..motivated in life and had way better luck with girls...because they have real confidence..not situational or fake confidence. Sometimes I wonder if I do it on purpose...like I start to feel like 'hey this girl likes me'...something must be wrong so I unconsiously do the wrong thing to unattract her and can return to the place that I am soo familiar with...I dont know I just wonder sometime.

I understand what attractes women and how I should act around them...but it is so difficult to line my emotions up with the way I know I should be acting. I know why I am not confident either...it is from my childhood and dont want to bore anyone but I had a poor parenting from my father..constantly yelled at..made fun of, put up to unrealistic standards..BUT

I know I will get over it at some point, and I wont give up! Thank you all so much for the input! Oh and hey to the other male..I feel you on the height thing and 'bad boy' stuff. It has always seemed that way to me too..

Last edited by waywardson; 02-15-2011 at 12:48 PM.

 
Old 02-15-2011, 06:44 PM   #5
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not having a girlfriend..

Someone for everyone.

It just takes time and effort. Hobbys, voluntary work, gym and if no nice ladies there, try a different hobby and make more hobbys/interestes/activitys. dont be hard on yourself.

 
Old 02-15-2011, 09:53 PM   #6
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not having a girlfriend..

Waywardson,

Thank you for opening up and sharing some very painful memories from your childhood...The first step might be finding a way for you to realize how wrong it was for you father to treat you that way, and that it is still affecting your life. Would you consider some therapy to overcome those childhood traumas? It does not need to be long term, just enough to get a good self dialogue that you can use to remind yourself of your value, your worth and your right to enjoy all that life has to offer you.

When it comes down to it, you are still that little boy being yelled at for no reason and the scars have not healed. When you can walk away from that, your new life lies in front of you.

I agree with the others who have noticed a very good man in you. You are the last one we have to convince!

I am interested in your story, and I hope we will be able to share your success too.

Love yourself, love life and all that comes with it.

Last edited by writeleft; 02-16-2011 at 02:54 PM.

 
Old 02-16-2011, 08:57 AM   #7
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not having a girlfriend..

Yes, things will get better over time. Please don't get me wrong, but you are still a very young man, barely beyond your teenager years. For many people, it takes time until they are able to build enough self-confidence and maturity.
However, I could give you two or three tips if you are keen on making a good impression on other people:

1. Improve your body posture, if needed.
2. Smile as often as adequate.
3. When you talk to a person, look straight into their eyes.

I hope this helps you.

 
Old 02-17-2011, 01:03 AM   #8
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not having a girlfriend..

Thanks again for the replies. I am trying to not portray myself as a victim...while I dont heartly agree that the way I was treated was right..I dont feel that I should use it as an ongoing excuse. I have forgiven my father and he is much different now..and treats me well. He too came from an abusive family..were he was actually beaten..he never beat me..only with words. I know it has effected my confidence and has carried over into all of my relationships and it has only been in the last several years that I have started to overcome it. I have read lots of pyschology books and self-help and have made leaps in self-improvement. I am starting to become a well-developed professional and am respected by lots of people. I have that part of my life taken care of. It is just the relationships and social part of my life that has always been bad.

Thank you again for the encouragement. While I dont agree that I am young...I know I am not old either. I am comeing up on my 10 yr highschool reunion..so yes I am getting older. At an emotionally level I am probably comparable to a 19 or 20 yr old. At least I have a youthfull look and am an deceant shape, so my age is not so affected. Well I will continue to work on myself and confidence. I am right now just searching for some people of similar likes...it seems like if your not into partying, drinking, being cool thant there isnt much more esle to with people. Dont get me wrong I have been in that stage of my life..I am just done with it now and seek more fullfilling realtionshisp..esp with a girl. The one thing that has always bugged me about women..or I should say girls is there tendancy to go for the guys that treat them badly and run from the guys that treat them well. You can it all the time even in this forum..women going on about how awful thier boyfriends are...yet they are the ones that they are attracted to. It is like they almost need that range of emotions. It baffles me. I wont ever be that guy..I jsut hope to attract the girl who is not like that.

Last edited by waywardson; 02-17-2011 at 03:34 AM.

 
Old 02-17-2011, 03:01 PM   #9
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not having a girlfriend..

You have not come across as a victim at all, in my opinion. Rather, you are a man seeking the changes needed to bring love into his life.

What do you think would help you most? If you can narrow it down, it would help us help you. So far we have just been throwing ideas out there, hoping one would make sense to you.

Look forward to hearing back...

 
Old 02-17-2011, 03:17 PM   #10
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not having a girlfriend..

Quote:
Originally Posted by cryingforever View Post
Someone for everyone.

It just takes time and effort. Hobbys, voluntary work, gym and if no nice ladies there, try a different hobby and make more hobbys/interestes/activitys. dont be hard on yourself.

Agree with all these suggestions- also church is a good place to meet people, if you're religious... or even if you're not, particularly (just be honest and tell people you're "curious", rather than misrepresenting yourself spiritually).

Usually a lot more women in church than men, if you get my drift.

Last edited by Kali333; 02-17-2011 at 03:18 PM.

 
Old 02-18-2011, 03:36 AM   #11
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not having a girlfriend..

I think those are all good ideas. I have tried the volunteer stuff. I found that for the most part I end up just working with the ppl running the event and dont meet anyone new. As far as churches go I live in germany and the only american churces are on base. The couple times that I went I didnt really like the service. The only service I like are non denominational ones. I believe in god, jesus and am spirtual, but am very particular about the way it is taught and interpreted. In other words I wouldnt go to a church for the sole reason of trying to meet people...I would have to beleive in the way the teachings are presented. I loved the church I went to back home so much that I think it has caused me not to like other services heh. Anyways I am still trying the online stuff.

I think what would help me the most is trying to meet girls outside of when I am drinking...because in the past that has been the only way. So working on my confidence and not reyling on 'liquid courage' and avoiding the common places people meet..bars..dances..any event involving alcohol..

Last edited by waywardson; 02-18-2011 at 03:39 AM.

 
Old 02-19-2011, 02:33 AM   #12
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not having a girlfriend..

As a single 30-something woman, who is employed, quite decent looking, and with sound moral values, I can only assure you that there are plenty of girls just like me who are still out there looking for nice single guys!

All you can do is keep putting yourself out there and hope that one day you will meet that special someone. I am hoping that persistence will pay off.

Dont give up - it will happen when the time is right.

 
Old 02-19-2011, 06:53 AM   #13
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not having a girlfriend..

Thanks...and I will keep putting myself out there. A part of me feels like I have a social anxiety disorder. I get anxious even when just getting invites to meeting up with friends or being in a large group of people. It is ironic too because at my job I do a lot of public speaking..but it is inpersonal. I kind of go into a trance wly when I talk in public and I really dont get nervous or have a hard time with it...mostly because I feel like I am being judged for what I am presenting, rather 'I' as a person and wiether I am cool or not. My biggest problem is that I don't feel like I am likeable or cool, but a lot of people reach out to get to know me, and for the most part I am kind of standoffish. Mainly because it is easier for to protect my ego if I do not make myself vulnerable and keep everyone at a distance. I find that when I do put myself out there I have a tendacy to get over excited and then get rejected..and thus have conditoned myself to believe that once I show interest in getting to know people that they will reject me. So for me it is easier to keep people at a distance. I have to work on makeing myself vulnerable, being ok with it, and not getting to excited when I first meet people.

 
Old 02-19-2011, 04:40 PM   #14
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not having a girlfriend..

One technique that works very well when meeting new people is to listen intently to everything that the person is talking about, and keep the focus on her. Everyone loves undivided attention, and women in particular will often be quite surprised, and happy to be with a man who acts interested in every word. This also opens up the door for good conversation, as all you have to do is continue to ask questions about subjects that she has already brought up. You don't have to worry about being cool, or even what to talk about, leaving much of the stress out of those first awkward conversations. Not to mention, you can get a much better idea of what this woman is interested in, and if you can see yourself enjoying the activities she does. Most women will eat this up.

Let's talk about where to meet this woman..I have also lived abroad, where we lived on base. Are you in the military, stationed in Germany? Sorry if you already went over this. How long will you be living there? Are you more interested in another service member (if you are one), or a German woman? I know that the military offers some great recreation facilities, is that the case where you are? It they have classes or hobbies taught there, that could be a good place.

Especially if you choose one that mostly women will be attending, such as cooking, or art classes. Women love to see men learning skills typically thought of as women's work. They love nothing better that taking a man under their wing to help him in class. I am thinking of cooking classes here. You can always use kitchen skills, and as a bachelor it would make perfect sense to any woman. This could also work in something off base, as the German cuisine would be different and something to bring back with you when you come back to the states. Any local handicraft would be neat to learn, if that interests you at all. Of course, I would not suggest doing something you have no interest in, that would be a waste of time.

These are my new suggestions for today. I will try and think up some more when I come back tomorrow. Bye for now,

 
Old 02-20-2011, 11:01 AM   #15
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Re: Getting overly depressed about getting older and not having a girlfriend..

Thanks for the reply writeleft. Yes I am stationed in Germany. So outside of the girl situation have a ton of oppurtunities to do things. I have been to 7 different countries already and been snowboarding in swizterland and austria. I actuallly now have been talking to a german girl over fac ebook for awhile and she wants to meet. She seems very nice and down to earth so hopefully it will work out . Thanks for the tips and I should really learn to cook. I diff could use the skill, It is an area that I am not good in. The german food is so good too. That is a good idea I will look into some classes. I actually would prefer to meet a german girl...I know dateing in the military is difficult, and I would rather be with someone who is outside of the military life. The military girls seem to be quite inmature and have that kind of highschool way when it comes to social things. Anyways I am not living on base, just close to it in a small village. My house is in a nice neihborhood and the village is nice as well. I am trying to not get too excited over this girl but I have been thinking about her a bit. I havnt even really wanted to hang out with my friends latley because all they do is go out and drink and are worried about their 'social status'. Well I will let you guys know how it goes. thanks for the tips!

Last edited by waywardson; 02-20-2011 at 11:30 AM.

 
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