We have a husband/wife friends that we've known for about 15 years. It's the last couple years we've gotten pretty close. Our husbands are very good friends.
The wife is known to say what is on her mind, it doesn't matter if it's rude or hurtful, she says it like it is. She basically has no mouth "filter". One time she tried to let me know she disapproved of me going on so many vacations without my husband- they were girlfriend trips about twice a year for the max of 7 days.
Well the latest one that really pushed me over the edge is last month I was showing her some pictures from our vacation (with my husband) and her sister was there looking at the photos too, whom I've never met. There was one picture of me wearing a bikini and she made a comment of " wow, that's not a very flattering picture of you!" I was so shocked I didn't know what to say! First of all I'm a size 6 and she's at least a size 14 so I don't think she had any place saying that. The picture was of me sitting and my tummy fat had some rolls. another picture of me was a head shot, side profile, while I was talking and my lower lip stuck out a little. Again' she said "that's not a very flattering picture of you".
I cannot stand all her criticizing of me nor anyone else. She just came back from Hawaii and wanted to show me her new wedding ring her husband gave her. I told her it was very nice. Later in the night she was showing it to everyone there where we were at- we had a bunch of friends get together. she tends to talk a lot about herself or something related to her.
I am so fed up with her that I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to blow. In our large circle of friends everyone knows her as being the talker and she is very proud of it. I don't have anything against her talking, but it's what comes out of her mouth is so disgusting!
Should I confront her how much she hurt me? Or wait until she does it again? It's been about a month since she said it. She probably doesn't even remember saying it!
I personally feel we as people tend to shy away from hurting peoples feelings when instead we should be protective of our own too-(would you tell your close friend they have bad breath or just let them be-lol...)tough one for many.Trust me i know.I had a friends rather whom i thought really cared about our friendships highly,i went out of my way at least for a while ignoring their comments/actions,and gave off excuses for their behaviour.
Eventually i got so irritated when ever one of these insensitive friends visited & expected me to smile and pretend all was good,i am naturally a friendly person,& i would go the extra mile to ensure that when you are in my company you really felt that this is what hospitality is all about,i basically practised what i preached,and they enjoyed the ride that's for sure,but then enough was enough.I was becoming miserable in their company i could not even fake a smile anymore,they persisted with their ignorance or was arrogance etc.
After long pondering,i plucked up the nerve,because you need nerves of steel to hurt another persons feelings,and i was aiming at doing that which they had done with me,only factually. i felt enough was enough and i plucked up the courage & just said it as bluntly as i felt i was treated and you know what,no skin off my nose,these so called friends melted away as easily as butter on a hot knife.I mean if your frienship means anything to you just be honest with her...and see how she takes it,your feelings have been hurt,if you afraid of the approach,trust me it will mean more if you get if off your chest for your own benefit and when she least's expects it.Everyone is on tenter hooks around her it is time she got a taste of her own medicine,don't you think?
Hope to hear how it goes when you do find the courage to put her in her place?
The Following User Says Thank You to terror For This Useful Post: Jaye66 (03-03-2012)
If it were me, I wouldn't be her friend anymore. You don't like her. You are supposed to like your friends. Let the husbands be friends and be cordial to her when you HAVE to be around her but don't make any dates to be with her and try to aviod her.
I like the idea of not being friends with her anymore, but they invite us over to their house a lot and she's very nosey. She'd probably get the clue that I don't want to associate with her anymore and that would probably hurt her feelings, which I don't want to do. I would love to get back at her but I know I'm better than that!
I've already limited her access on my profile on one of the social network websites, I wonder if she'd get the hint? I don't want her leaving messages on my wall for all my other friends to see, even though i can remove them, people would still see it before I erase it.
I'm usually a very pleasant person and can get along with just about anyone. Even my best friend said that it's strange that I've been holding a grudge this long, it's not like me. My husband said that I need to think of "come backs" so that next time she says something I can say something to her but no t be mean about it.
The problem is she doesn't think she's got a problem! I've heard her say something mean to a mutual friend, and I know this other friend was hurt, and she never apologized. I've never heard her apologize. What's wrong with people like her? She was brought up in a good home, doesn't she know common decency? She gives me a hard time for not talking as much, but I'd rather not say much than to end up having my foot in my mouth all the time!
What are some come backs that I can say to her next time she says something rude or mean?
We cannot change others, but we can change how we choose to deal with them. In this case, I would simply opt out of this "friendship".
Life is too short to spend time and concern about others who do not share the qualities of a friend. This woman will not learn, and I would put up a shield to protect your feelings when you have to be in the same room, but I would not be available for one on one time with her. To ignore her would probable drive her crazy, without you having to stoop to her level.
As good as it may feel at the time to really give her a dose of her own medicine, I would save my energy for good use with your real friends, and weed her out.
Let us know how things go...She cannot be the life of the party if the audience (and butt of the jokes) suddenly disappear!
I find that what works with people like these is to react to their barb with a simple, "ouch, that hurts my feelings" ! I have not met ONE person who this does not work on. It doesn't mean that they never say anything mean or judgmental again, but it gives enough pause for thought that it is rare.
Last thing you want to do is start fighting with her about this. Stay civil and speak with her as little as you possibly can. My husband's best friend
has a wife just like this woman you're speaking of. I won't change her but I'm not going to be brought down to her level by fighting about it. She's so dense that I honestly think she would laugh and say I'm crazy !! Still, everyone needs to be put in their rightful place when they say something hurtful.
tell her ''stop criticising people, people have feelings''. then dont talk to her anymore or avoid as much as possible. she sounds a right self centred idiot. take it shes one of them people where they think there something special and everyones below them. if it was me , i would say more than what i suggested above. i would say something like ''who the hell do you think you are your an idiot who thinks your something special and your not, so dont put me down as your no better than me''. good luck
There was one picture of me wearing a bikini and she made a comment of " wow, that's not a very flattering picture of you!" I was so shocked I didn't know what to say! First of all I'm a size 6 and she's at least a size 14 so I don't think she had any place saying that. The picture was of me sitting and my tummy fat had some rolls. another picture of me was a head shot, side profile, while I was talking and my lower lip stuck out a little. Again' she said "that's not a very flattering picture of you".
She's jealous.
Realize that, and be the bigger person (figuratively speaking, haha).
You don't need to say, "Yeah, if I look fat in that bikini, imagine how you'd look; you're more than twice my size!"
You can just think it in your head, and move on.
yes i think shes jealous too. typical jealous comments. i remember one of my old friends , we went to the shop together and she said to the man serving us ''oh my boobs are big and real ,but dont know what they are theres nothing there'' pointing to my boobs at this point. i do have big boobs but she was overweight so her boobs was bigger and she always came out with jealous digs like that. in the end i walked away from the 'friendship' as a realised they wasnt one to start with else she wouldnt be like this. a true friend would say ''hey you look fabulous and so happy''. yes she is jealous of you. avoid her at all costs.
I personally think that "come-backs" are immature and passive aggressive. I like what slenderella said, just say "Wow, that really hurt my feelings." Then move on.
I personally think that "come-backs" are immature and passive aggressive. I like what slenderella said, just say "Wow, that really hurt my feelings." Then move on.
Oh, that's what i was referring to as a come back
I wish I was a quick thinker. So often when things like this happen my brain is not quick enough to have a witty reply. It's usually about an hour later I think to myself "I should have said this..."
I was thinking about her comment about me in the bikini and I think it was a back handed remark on how she "disapproves" of me wearing a two piece. I know, I know she's not my mother (thank God!) but we're quite conservative people and I must say my husband didn't like the idea of me wearing one either (although he never voiced it to this friend). I'm not as conservative as them and if I'm in the Caribbean I want to wear a cute swimsuit! If my husband had a BIG problem with it he would have told me and I would have found something else, but he didn't.
Should I have not worn a bikini? I don't see the big deal.
would you tell her to NOT wear a cute swimsuit? or tell anyone else what to wear or not wear?
i'm guessing no , well she and nobody else has no right to tell you what to wear or not wear it is not there life, or there body. dont let no one bring you down or make you feel controlled EVER.
wonder why your husband didnt like you wearing it? even though he didnt voice it.
p.s shes just jealous because i bet you looked amazing in your swimsuit.
Last edited by cryingforever; 02-16-2011 at 11:42 AM.
Reason: extra words
Ah, gee thanks ladies.
I don't know if I looked amazing. There are a few more inches I wish weren't there , but I think the gal thought I was thinner because I ran a half marathon the previous month. But just because a person runs a lot doesn't mean they're thin. I also looove to eat!
My husband wasn't too thrilled because he doesn't want other men looking at my body where so little is covered! I can see his viewpoint, but like I said, he didn't object too strongly.
I have a viewpoint on all women in bathing suits, that I always bring up when we are at the beach, pool or jacuzzi. My feelings are that just getting out there with your family (or whomever), and letting themselves enjoy the beautiful water or the warm sun-More power to them!
I give credit to anyone who gets out and is enjoying their life (in whatever they feel comfortable in) is the true example of a good soul living their life. That is a very positive way to live.
This woman's need to make any comments on another woman's body, (particularly yours) is in bad form, and simply out of the need to make themselves feel better at another persons expense. I would encourage you to brush her statement off, as it is made out of ignorance and selfishness.
Your husbands reaction, on the other hand is that of a very proud man who loves his wife, and that is solid gold.
I never have let my children make any comments about anyone who is out there having fun, no matter what they might look to someone else. I am proud of these women. Our societies focus on perfection is cheap and impossible for most of us to live up to.
Of course, we all know that you look great in that bathing suit, and any other that you might wear!
Last edited by writeleft; 02-16-2011 at 03:14 PM.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to writeleft For This Useful Post: cryingforever (02-16-2011), Kali333 (02-16-2011)
I have a viewpoint on all women in bathing suits, that I always bring up when we are at the beach, pool or jacuzzi. My feelings are that just getting out there with your family (or whomever), and letting themselves enjoy the beautiful water or the warm sun-More power to them!
I give credit to anyone who gets out and is enjoying their life (in whatever they feel comfortable in) is the true example of a good soul living their life. That is a very positive way to live.
I couldn't agree more.
I've always envied women who wear swimsuits without cover-ups, regardless of what size or shape they are.
I envy their self-confidence. Although I'm not overweight, I am too insecure to wear a swimsuit in public.
I admire women who do, and I find their confidence very admirable and attractive.
This woman making the rude comments wants to rob others of their confidence, since she probably has none herself.
Don't let her. Pay no attention to her.
The Following User Says Thank You to Kali333 For This Useful Post: cryingforever (02-16-2011)
sounds like you have things to be proud for. having confidence like another post said these days womans confidence is low because of all the media and the 'perfection image' when really that doesnt even exist. a good quality personality is much much much more attractive than flesh. also your husband must of thought you look too sexy lol. thats really nice hes proud of his sexy lady hehe!!! does seem like this talk-alot-in-your-face-critical-woman has low confidence within herself. jealousy is a horrible thing. i am medium weight and when i see slimmer women i never get jealous or if they look sexy again dont get jealous as there is no point because i have always said ...i wouldnt wanna be anyone else or look like anyone else but ME. really annoys me when people laugh and joke about fat people , least they dare to have a good meal lol. anyway back to you, has she upset you? or ruined some of your confidence? just curious as to wether her little confidence wrecker plot worked?
Some people say rude things and their explanation is that they are being "honest" or "straightforward". Well, why is being "honest" or "straightforward" more important than being tactful or polite? Or caring about other peoples' feelings?
I suppose you have just been ignoring her, right? And probably pointing out to her that she's being hurtful or insensitive would go right over her head. After all, she's just being "honest"! I think it would be a waste of time. Those kind of people never get it and then they wonder why they have no friends lol!
You telling her she hurt your feelings will just make her feel powerful and superior to you. I'd make a comment that shows you don't value her opinion without actually coming out and saying that. She probably is trying to get a rise out of you and if you give her one or act hurt she'll be getting what she wants. I would just come back next time with "well that's your opinion" and leave it at that.
As for the bikini, I wear one to this day. I don't much care that I don't have a size 6 figure. I'm not a whale but I could lose about 15 pounds. But no one really cares, and I sure don't. Enjoy yourself!
has she upset you? or ruined some of your confidence? just curious as to wether her little confidence wrecker plot worked?
I've never been very confident in a bathing suit (one piece or two) and when she said those mean things I knew in my head she was right. It's one thing to think it in my own head but to hear someone else say it out loud hurts more. Yes, her little plot worked. But, afterwards I thought to myself "well I'm gonna work-out more and get rid of that tummy fat so she can see what this bikini is supposed to look like!" It hasn't happened yet but it made me feel better
I agree with CadenceA- there's no excuse in being rude even if you have to say something honest or straightfoward. Perhaps I should mail her Emily Post's book on etiquette, annonymously???
Husband's friend's wife bugs me 
, but I think the gal thought I was thinner because I ran a half marathon the previous month. But just because a person runs a lot doesn't mean they're thin. I also looove to eat!
