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Old 02-18-2011, 12:41 AM   #1
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Engaged and confused

Long story- not so short.....I'm 24, and have been dating a wonderful man for 3 years. We went to school together, and have a long history of friendship, but didn't start dating until he had moved away to go to college around age 20. We dated long-distance for 2 years, which was very hard, until he moved back home to be near me until I finish school. Like other posts I've read, my fiance is the nicest man, and certainly feels like one-of-a-kind. He has an unconditional love for me that is almost impossible to deny. I know he would be a great husband.
To continue the back story, once he moved home we started having problems, and since we had just gotten through long-distance, I thought we could conquer anything. He now works for the oil field to pay off school loans and is working such long hours that I see him maybe once a week. Its always been hard for him to keep contact with me, with our different schedules and lives, but when we're near each other, we ease into movie-watching monotony. Still, I know how much he loves me, and I do love him, and I was excited to someday see more of him, which is why I said yes when he proposed 2 months ago.

During our time apart I've kept close contact with friends, to maintain my own personal life since he can't be around. For the past year, I've kept weekly contact, talking, with 1 friend that I've known for 7 years and doesn't live here. When we first met I had feelings for him, but distance squashed that long ago and we've been platonic (I thought) without mentioning any feelings and while he's dated other people.

This last summer he passed through with a friend of his and stopped by for a few days on his way to visiting his brother. We reconnected and enjoyed spending time together as if we'd been friends hanging out together for years.

Apparently, after that trip, he'd planned to tell me he had feelings for me, but then I got engaged. He acted distant, and when I confronted him, he finally told me. I was surprised and upset, and we haven't talked much since.

Now, I am torn because I am thinking things I should not be wondering. When you get engaged, you give up looking, so I don't understand how I can even entertain the idea of something I gave up thinking long ago. Especially since he doesnt even live here and we'd end up dating distance.. which I'm not fond of.

I love my fiance's family. I feel so attached to them, since we bonded while my fiance was away, but.... when I think about my friend, I feel like he is everything I would want in someone. Worldly, adventurous, witty..a certain kind of connetion... things that I don't attribute my loving fiance to having.

I have feelings for him, strong ones, that are now dredged up and causing me to doubt being with someone I've had 3 years to build ties with.. and wonder, What if?

Maybe I have committment issues.

The wedding planning hasn't started, but the thought of hurting my fiance (or his family) that much kills me... I don't think I could live to see someone that kind, in pain that I caused from my doubts. We could have a loving, nice life together... if only I could stop thinking about the things I like about my friend. Either way my friendship is ruined... I don't know what to do. This decision will last the rest of my life.

I feel terrible. No one is exempt from getting hurt..
I know this is a long entry, but I'm hoping someone will have some insight on how to tackle this emotional issue.

 
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Old 02-18-2011, 03:22 AM   #2
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Re: Engaged and confused

This is a tough one. Hmmm, if you haven't shared your doubts with anyone else so far, it's high time you did so. I was thinking you could start with your own mother and then, if applicable, with your mother-in-law to be, because you state that you feel very much attached to your fiance's family. I think you basically need the support and encouragement from older women in your life, whether they say things that you want to hear or not. I am not saying that one of these women will make the decision for you, but that talking to them may help you see what is better for you and the others involved in this marriage and then take the necessary steps which probably (but not certainly) mean breaking up with your fiance.

So my advice is: do not carry that doubt alone on your shoulders. Share it with someone you can trust in and it may become easier for you to solve your dilemma.

As for your other friend, I don't think he is very important in the picture for the moment. First you need to address the issue of your upcoming marriage.

 
Old 02-18-2011, 08:42 AM   #3
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Re: Engaged and confused

It doesn't sound like you are ready to get married. Really, you are still very young and there is no reason to get married so young in life. You still have a lot of growing and experiencing to do before you know which kind of man you'd like to spend the rest of your life with.

 
Old 02-18-2011, 07:05 PM   #4
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Re: Engaged and confused

I would never get married unless I was absolutely sure and excited and wanted to get married as soon as I could. Some thoughts and anxiety are normal, but if you're really questioning it, you shouldn't go through with it. You should be sure. As stated above, you have plenty of time for marriage and you are pretty young to get married for this day and age.

 
Old 02-18-2011, 09:03 PM   #5
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Re: Engaged and confused

Hi there..

Think carefully before you rush into marriage.. it's your happiness at the end of the day..
Marriage is a lifetime commitment.. If you do not see yourself happy with your fiance and have mixed feelings with regards to the other guy..do not proceed to arrange your wedding.. think twice..

I've had a similar experience like you.. But I made my decision.. the man I was close to somehow drifted away when he somehow knew I was attached and it only took him a few minutes to distant himself..and that feeling really hurts.. But that's life, you only choose one..the one you marry, the one you're willing to accept, adapt and not change that person into what you want him to be..

Are you willing to be with your fiance, take the vows at the altar..and keep to them..
Will you be happy.. or does your heart tell you some other things? If you feel or am very sure your fiance is the one you would want to marry.. I say go ahead..

However if you're unsure.. please please do not get married.. you're 24 and I'm 25 and I feel it's rather too early for marriage..

My bf and I are intending to get engaged but I'm postponing it as I myself am not sure if this is what I want.. lifetime commitment.. we cannot be selfish and hurt them after marriage.. Decide.. It's still early.. Don't wait till it's too late.. then that's where regret will set in...

 
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