Things were great with my gf. One night i decided to get really drunk. Next morning waking up with a hangover, i listened to the song i associated with her and i didn't get those same feelings and i started panicking thinking i didn't love her, it became an obsession, not being able to tell her I loved her without thinking it was a lie, so i kept trying to say it over and over and over and then i just started freaking out because I couldn't say it like I used to.I can't tell her the three words I want to tell her more than anything. I wanted her to break up with me so i wouldn't have to worry, I'm very unwilling to accept I don't love her, I keep thinking if I don't I wouldn't have a problem moving on and looking at other girls, but the thing is I care about what my ex would think of my behavior, It's nonstop thoughts thinking about what I did wrong in the relationship, and if I actually ever did love her, and everytime I think i didn't i feel worse and guilty,these thoughts don't stop, I can't move on unless I know she has moved on. Yesterday I cried about her with all the pictures of us in my memory, I keep thinking she is gone forever and i feel heavy every morning i wake up. I screwed things up. I wanted things to be okay when all this started, I was hoping it would pass, but it hasn't and she has told me she is ready to move on for good, and I keep picturing her with someone else smiling forever together, and I feel kinda sad inside it isn't me. It makes me angry yet more depressed to know I've ruined her life and she is depressed as well, and to hear her tell me I don't want her, and that she is pathetic for loving a person who doesn't want her.
Well, this seems to be your first break-up with a girlfriend. It doesn't sound unheard of: the confusion. Okay, you will get over this. It helps if you find things to do with your body, use either your strength or skills, so your mind will gradually get rid of these thoughts.
Well, from your post it's quite clear you are confused. Relationships and break ups can be confusing.
I'm hoping there's a lot more to your story than just not feeling "those feelings" when you heard one particular song, because there is a LOT more to loving someone than the little butterflies in the stomach or warm fuzzies when 'your song" comes on the radio.
But you can't be afraid to break up with someone just because you're afraid to be "the bad guy." Trying to get her to break up with you, not being honest with her, telling her you love her when you know you really don't, THOSE are the things that make you the bad guy.
I think you need to let her be, let her get on with her life, and chalk this up to lessons learned. And carry those lessons into your next relationships. And don't be in such a rush to "be all in love." Remember, "I love you" is supposed to mean more than "you're hot!" Save the "I love yous" for the girl who is your best friend. The girl you respect, who you think is smart, classy, cool, who you can talk to about anything, who's there for you no matter what, and who you enjoy being there for no matter what. That's love. And while you're dating around trying to find that girl, be a stand up guy and be honest. Don't ever again try to get a girl to break up with you. I'll tell you from experience, just going cold, withdrawing, even being mean and distant, in an attempt to get her to break up with you because you don't have the guts to call it quits, that's just cruel. And a true nice guy doesn't do that to a girl he cares about.
First, let me say that I do sympathize with the way you are feeling - your mind is all in a whirl right now. It may be that you are afraid to truly fall in love, but I think there is more to this than meets the eye.
Obsessing is another aspect of anxiety - we drive ourselves nuts trying to figure out what went wrong in a relationship. But several of your statements really caught my attention:
"It makes me angry yet more depressed to know I've ruined her life...."
Whoa!!! Please believe me that you have NOT ruined her life. She was just as much a part of this relationship as you, and she was perfectly capable of making her own choices.
"...to hear her tell me I don't want her, and that she is pathetic for loving a person who doesn't want her."
Sometimes we are so willing to blame ourselves for problems in a relationship, we do not consider that perhaps there are issues with our partner that we can neither see nor understand. There is big time manipulation of your feelings going on here - and your girlfriend is likely totally unaware of this. Please give some thought to the fact that she is WILLING to let you shoulder all the blame, but there are TWO sides to every relationship, not just one.
Your feelings are stemming from deep insecurity issues and, the phrase we hear so often because it happens to be true, low self-esteem. The fact that you are obsessing over what YOU did wrong, the feelings of guilt, your concern about what she will think of you, and that you even wanted her to end the relationship all scream, "I feel so bad about myself that I don't deserve to be loved."
I'm curious as to why you "decided" to get really drunk one night - were you already feeling that the relationship was floundering? I doubt that it was this one incident that made you feel as though you didn't love her - the signs were already there.
I urge you to get help to deal with this if you can. A good counsellor will help you sort through your feelings, and hopefully get to the root cause of your anxiety and low self-esteem. I've been in your shoes, I know how it feels, and I know how much counselling helped me.
I wish you the best, and I hope you will take the necessary steps towards feeling better about yourself and your relationship.
Last edited by 2beagles; 02-19-2011 at 11:35 AM.
Reason: misquoting of post