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Old 02-19-2011, 11:39 AM   #1
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Don't know how to save this relationship

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months and so far, we've spent practically every night together. We only live 5 minutes away from each other and attend the same university. At first, everything seemed to be great, and we were madly in love with each other. He was one of the nicest guys I'd ever met and would always go out of his way to do things for me and would be there for me no matter what. Anyway, it started to change when I went on the pill, which affected me very badly emotionally. I'd been on it once before (a few years ago) and it had the same effect then and pretty much destroyed my previous relationship. It just made me very emotional and depressed and I would get offended by everything and frequently burst into tears...which would go on for hours. He would spend hours and hours comforting me, and then things would be ok once the 'pillyness' went away. I must mention that I went on the pill very early on in our relationship (after a couple of weeks), so I dont feel that he really got to know the 'real' me before experiencing the effects of the pill. He knows quite a lot about hormonal medication and how it can alter mood and behaviour, so he was very understanding about it. It didnt make him resent me, but I think that after 4-5 months of constant reassuring, he was emotionally drained and exhausted from it all, and I decided to switch to a different pill. This was a mistake, and I should've just quit altogether. The new one made me very angry, aggressive and paranoid. I was no longer depressed, but everything annoyed and angered me and it took a lot for me to be able to control it. I lost my temper quite badly on a couple of occassions, and I decided to stop taking it after a couple of weeks, without even finishing the packet. My moods and behaviour have significantly improved since then, and I am finally starting to feel more or less normal now. I do not plan to go back on any pill anytime soon! They simply do not agree with me.
Anyway...he asked for some space last week, and we spent the night apart, but met up the following day. It was quite nice, and we were able to have a good time together, but we went our separate ways that night. However, we met up again yesterday and for some reason, it was impossible to get along. I no longer feel that he has any desire to see me and I think that it's mostly due to the 6 months of having to deal with my up and down emotions. He keeps saying that he's not going to give up on me and that he still loves me and thinks it will get better, but he's just emotionally drained from everything that has happened recently. He mentioned counselling a week ago, but since then has said that he's not sure if it's necessary. I just don't know how to improve this situation or what to do. I dont know if we just need some more space (eg. I'm not seeing him today) in order for us to miss each other, or whether it's too late...
I feel very grateful that he was there for me all of the times that I was annoyed, offended or angry at him for no reason. I'm glad that he understands that it's the pill that was affecting me, and I'm relived that since going off the pill, I've started to feel better and feel more in control of myself and my emotions. However, I just dont know how to proceed now. It feels like he's constantly fed up with me now and doesnt have any real desire to see me. Even if he does, he seems to be incredibly cautious...eg. we no longer meet up at my house.
I just want us to be able to enjoy each other's company again. Is space the solution? Even when he suggests some space or spending the night apart, he still continues to message me online or text me...and I tend to find this a bit frustrating, for some reason. He keeps saying that we should stay in touch through other means, and that if it seems like we can get along, we should meet up and take it from there.
What do you guys think??

 
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Old 02-19-2011, 03:23 PM   #2
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Re: Don't know how to save this relationship

It sounds to me like this is no longer a relationship. It is a friendship, a wary one, that he is reserving the right to turn back into a relationship at his discretion. I don't think that's exactly fair. Even though your behavior may have understandably worked on his nerves, it's not quite fair for him to kind of keep you on a string.

I think he's made it pretty clear he's just a friend now, so you should treat him, and the relationship you have with him, like you would any other friend. If what the two of you have is real, he'll soon want more. If he's just not that into you anymore, then his behavior will soon make that clear, too.

 
Old 02-19-2011, 03:49 PM   #3
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Re: Don't know how to save this relationship

Thanks for your response, LarryLou's mom..although it's not quite the news that I was hoping to hear, of course.
This 'space' issue has only been going on for the past 4-5 days and he has asked to see me tomorrow. I do feel like I am being kept on a string and am stuck in the middle, but I guess tomorrow will make things clearer. I just hope that all of this is reversible...
What makes you think that it's just a friendship?

 
Old 02-19-2011, 04:00 PM   #4
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Re: Don't know how to save this relationship

He keeps referring to this period as 'gradually rebuilding our relationship' and that if we can get along when we go out for dinner, etc he'll be more comfortable coming over to my house, etc (where 99% of the arguements used to take place).

 
Old 02-20-2011, 03:22 PM   #5
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Re: Don't know how to save this relationship

my opinions different. i dont think its ''obvious its a friendship'' the guy is been wary and careful not to get too close too soon incase he gets let down again. my mental behaviour pushed my boyfriend away and i kept thinking the same thing as you BUT it takes time, determination and alot of love and showing you have changed to get it right again. dont see it as hes not interested in me anymore , see it as hes a little worried and he needs you to show him first before he lets his guards down. from what i can see you both meet up, still spend time together aswell as space, you both keep in contact of course he sounds interested in you , trust me he may not say anything but he sounds cautious. dont mention it anything like this to him unless its neccesary. men dont always like to talk, they just like to get on with it and be proved that our behaviour is better. actions speak louder than words is the saying and its true.

 
Old 02-20-2011, 04:33 PM   #6
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Re: Don't know how to save this relationship

It sounds to me like you did your fair share of swinging the string in this relationship. I don't blame him one bit for wanting to meet the real you before he gets in any deeper. If it's at all possible, I'd try to go at this with a fresh start. And in this particular case, I'd bend to his wishes a bit.

He is a great guy who you admittedly put through the mill. Not something you wanted to do, but something that happened. Be honest. Tell him you want a chance to enjoy all he offers you without the drama of the hormones. And that you understand that he does need to get to know the pill-less you. Just be careful there's not a 3rd party accidentally brought into this now.

It's all you can do to try and make it work. If you cut him a little slack, give him that room he's asking for, enjoy the time you have with him without drama and hyper emotions, if it doesn't work out, at least you'll know you gave it a try with the best of you.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 04:17 AM   #7
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Re: Don't know how to save this relationship

Thanks for the input and reassurance that all hope is not lost. We met up last night and had a great time, so I think that things are slowing starting to improve. It has now been two weeks since I have come off of the pill, and I feel much better. My boyfriend also says that I'm easier to get along with now. I just hope that it continues in this matter. I'm definitely not going on any pills in the near future.
Thanks again.

 
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