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Old 02-19-2011, 01:58 PM   #1
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Is this just modern dating?

Hi all -

Its been so long since I have been here. Let me start by saying that I made a decision for myself that I would take life more seriously and do things differently. I was frustrated and depressed by failed relationships in which I give my all and receive nothing. Often with the man moving on to marry someone else.

Anyway, I stopped sleeping around and began to focus on improving myself. I went to therapy and really tried to be the best me I can be.

Now I am confused once again. I met someone about 4 months ago. He met my requirements. We spoke about our expectations and desires. I was very upfront in that I wanted a relationship and eventually marriage. We waited to have sex. He lives about 2 hours away and was in town visiting family. This was perfect for me because the distance forced us to slow things down. We talked every day. We talked of everything and I opened up about things I have never told anyone else. He invited me to his place. I went and stayed the weekend plus a few days, at his suggestion. I wasn't working at the time so it was fine. He introduced me to friends and took me to his job.

He had conversations with me saying that he didn't want to be just a sex partner with me. He said that he was comfortable being with just me. I didn't start these conversations. I had already told him what I wanted so I didn't feel the need to start these conversations. In my mind, we were dating.

He even decided that it was time for me to meet his children. I had met the children before because they were with him when I met him. So he planned a weekend in which we spent time with the children together. I was a nervous wreck about the weekend. It seemed to go okay with the kids, however, their mother had a fit when she learned I was there.

After that he tells me that he is not ready for a relationship. He says that he has too much drama with his ex-wife and that he was too hurt from the past to pursue a relationship. He said that he liked what we had and wanted to continue seeing me. So I was hurt and confused because why go into all this if he wasn't ready? He went on to say he thinks I should have sex with someone else to satisfy my urges (not his words) because he wouldn't be able to see me until the end of March.

So he wants to continue as though everything was the same. So last night I decided to not be so available to him. I didn't answer the phone or text. This morning he was all concerned and was on me about not talking to him. I don't know what to do. I know I should move on but I am tired of moving on and starting over. Frankly, I don't want to. I liked him. He says that he likes me. Is that pathetic of me?

I want to go with the flow when it comes to dating and enjoy the moment. How do you go with the flow but get what you want too? Or is this just modern dating?

 
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Old 02-19-2011, 02:34 PM   #2
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Thumbs down Re: Is this just modern dating?

He's being ruled by his EX...do you really want to be with someone that can't take the bulls by the horn and gets all trampled over by a drama queen EX wife? I personally would not waste any more time with this one...yes it's time to move on! You will never be his number 1...you will always be second place to the EX...he's made that clear right away! She wears the pants in that family! UGH!
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*I rest my case!*

 
Old 02-19-2011, 03:15 PM   #3
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Re: Is this just modern dating?

I so hate to start off by being a Debbie Downer, but I have to be honest. We all want real love, we all want a loving, loyal life partner to spend our lives with, but the ugly, awful cold hard truth of it is, not all of us get it. I don't believe it really has that much to do with how hard we try or what we do or who we are. there are plenty of people who sleep around and still find someone to love them for a lifetime, there are people who do all kinds of things that relationship experts will tell you are surefire ways of never meeting anyone and falling in love, and many of these people still fiind love and marry, and even have children. It's just the luckk of the draw.

That having been said, I think it's a good thing that you've "cleaned up your act" so to speak, and become someone you are more proud to be, regardless of whether it gets you true love or not. Kudos on that. I certainly understand you not wanting to move on, but if this guy has told you he can't even see you for at least another two weeks because of all the ex-wife drama, well, that's not too promising. But my question is...what will he be DOING in the next two or three weeks that will make waiting for him worthwhile? What's his plan to deal with the ex-wife? Stand up to her? Lay down the law to her? Compromise with her, introduce you to her so she'll feel more comfortable with you around her kids? Because without a plan, he can take the rest of his life away from you and nothing will change. he has to make things change, and he has to WANT to make things change.

If I were in your shoes, I would give him the benefit of the doubt this once, call him and ask him what his plan is. He says he wants to continue to see you, but basically take a big step back. You need to know, and you have the right to ask him point blank, he doesn't feel ready for a relationship, but does he WANT a relationship, and if so, what is he doing to GET ready for a relationship? If he doesn't have real, concrete answers to these questions, then I'm afraid waiting around for him could very well be a big waste of time. 9 times out of 10, when a man said he's not ready for a relationship, what he really means is "I don't want a relationship with YOU." As you've experienced with all the men who have already said that they don't want a relationship only to turn around and marry the next woman they meet. Only you can decide for yourself whether this relationship is worth fighting for, or hanging around for, and for how long. Good luck to you.

 
Old 02-19-2011, 03:58 PM   #4
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Re: Is this just modern dating?

Quote:
......
.............
So he wants to continue as though everything was the same. So last night I decided to not be so available to him.
He doesn't want a relationship. He was clear on that (if somewhat belated).
If you do, then you need not be "available to him" at all.
You're just wasting time, when you could be out there seeking what you actually want, which is a relationship with an eye to eventual marriage.

Good luck.

 
Old 02-19-2011, 05:27 PM   #5
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Re: Is this just modern dating?

Of the entire issue the part that jumps out at me is his offering that's it's okay for you to have sex with other men. Even if he was on the fence in other ways and acting/speaking to protect himself due to the ex-wife situation, I am floored that he said that part. He knew you were not just an easy piece. He knew you waited between you and him. So his telling you that you have his blessing to go find someone else for sex (what, to cover 3 weeks??), well that says it all to me. I just don't think any man is going to tell his woman that if he, in any way, still thinks of her as HIS woman. (Aside from those w/ kinks who enjoy that lifestyle.)

I'm sorry. I understand not wanting to start over. I actually believe a lot of people "settle" for good enough because they want to avoid having to keep looking. So it's bothersome, annoying and maybe heartbreaking and offensive, but I think you might have to do just that.

 
Old 02-20-2011, 03:13 AM   #6
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Re: Is this just modern dating?

I think Resolution has made a few very good points. I also think it was offensive of him to say you could have sex with other men. Usually men are very possessive, so if he said so, I can only understand that he doesn't care about you enough. Sorry. I don't think this is modern dating. This is lack of interest, instead. And strange to say, that sounded even a little bossy, if you see what I mean.

On the other side of the coin, I can also see some money issue here. I don't know why, but something makes me think that he didn't feel like he was ready or capable to foot your expenses, in other words, to support you financially if you guys were to become a couple. Did you ever talk to him about finances and how you were supposed to make it if you were to live together?

 
Old 02-20-2011, 01:22 PM   #7
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Re: Is this just modern dating?

When we first met and started talking we talked about expectations and long term goals. I was laid off so I wasn't feeling that I could bring enough to the table. I was having financial issues from not having a regular income.

He does not have a college degree which in his field is keeping him at the lower income levels. I know that this bothers him very much because his equals earn more just because they have the degree. I have my masters. He decided to go back to school and I encouraged that wholeheartedly. So he is in school parttime.

He went through a nasty divorce and an even nastier custody battle with the ex. He just went through a long court battle to get his visitation enforced. He has a lot of legal bills from that situation and also debt from the marriage that is still outstanding.

He works one full time and two part time jobs to make ends meet. Money is a big stressor right now. I understand that as I was too facing eviction and car repossession and bill collectors calling. When I visited, I would bring groceries from my house to his and we cook. If we went out, it wasn't anything extravagant and I always made sure to pick up the check at least once.

We are somewhat free spirited when it comes to the sexual arena. I guess you could say we are kinky. We were very open with each other about our pasts and presents. While I had chosen to not have sex, I didn't expect him to do the same. The reason I wasn't having sex because I was waiting to have sex with someone I wanted instead of just having sex just because the guy wanted. So I wasn't exactly celibate but more selective. With this guy, he didn't judge me or expect me to be all sexual with him. That was new for me.

I knew that neither of us were ready to get into a serious relationship right away. I wanted to take things slow and really get to know him. It just seemed like he was pushing things towards a relationship and I was confused when he came out of the blue with his statements. I didn't feel like I was pushing for a relationship. I am not blind to the fact that his situation is not the best.

I was enjoying the courtship bottom line. It was nice to have something to look forward to and someone to talk to on a real level. I hear what he is saying but his actions aren't matching

 
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