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Old 02-19-2011, 03:50 PM   #1
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Recent Break/Breakup

So, I want to give the whole rundown. Kasey and I had been dating for about 2 years (a little more). I was her first boyfriend, first date, etc. Everything. She was about my 3rd girlfriend. We went on one date and everything clicked, and we got together.

It was going fine for the next year and a half before this past summer, when we were getting ready for a little distance since I was going to a university an hour or so away. We thought it would be horrible but it wasn't that bad at all. Somewhere along the way, around December, she was having doubts about our relationship. It's a very normal thing for her to think about the future. And that's what she thought about, marrying me. We had small arguments throughout January but she says that this didn't in itself make her want to breakup. She said it had been going downhill since December, the arguments just added to it.

We broke up about a week ago and have kept talking for the most part and I must admit, the conversations we've had since the breakup have been THE BEST conversations we've had for MONTHS, maybe even the past year. It doesn't really make that much sense. But anyway, she keeps assuring me it's nothing I really did, she just isn't in that "IN LOVE" phase anymore and wants to see what else is out there. I don't get it. Just because I was her first boyfriend I was destined to be broken up with or something? She said she wants time to think about what she wants right now, and to possibly go on a few dates with others and see how it goes. I told her when I come back for the summer (and the next few years honestly, since I'm transferring to a school back home) I am going to court her again.

I'm going to do it all over, take her on dates, etc. because I do still love her and honestly, as naive as it sounds, think she's the one. We had that strong of a connection through the larger portion of our relationship, and it hurts that she now wants to see what else is out there. I've decided on a date in late May or Early June, where if she is still on the fence about what she wants right now, I'm going to leave it...and cut her out of my life. Because I cannot wait forever, as much as I would want to...

I don't know what sort of advice I'm looking for. I mean, I just don't understand that if everything was fine for the most part, minus the petty arguments, how she can come to the conclusion that she needs to go date...It really just hurts.

Thanks!

 
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Old 02-19-2011, 07:23 PM   #2
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Re: Recent Break/Breakup

She's actually being smart. It isn't a good idea generally to set your life and future on the only guy you've ever dated. That doesn't mean it can't possibly work out, but the last thing you want to happen is for the two of you to get married, then a couple of years later she starts thinking she missed out somehow.

If you are college students, you are still very young. There doesn't need to be a rush to settle down until you are well on your life path (degree, steady employment, a few dollars put away). If the two of you end up together, great. If not, at least you would have realized that the relationship wasn't right, because it has to be right for the BOTH of you, not just you.

 
Old 02-19-2011, 11:01 PM   #3
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Re: Recent Break/Breakup

Hello, and welcome to the Healthboards. I hope we can offer you the support and advice you are looking for.

I can understand how hurtful it must be for you to have your relationship end, when you had such high hopes for a future with Kasey. Our first real loves will always be special to us, in fact I am still dear friends with my first love, which was 37 years ago. Although we have had our own families and our own lives, we have continued to be great friends all this time.

I would never cut someone completely out of my life that I have loved, unless they caused me harm, which has never happened, thank goodness. Getting over a relationship does take time, no matter what the situation is.

The fact that she feels the need to "see what else it out there" could mean that she will come to realize how good she had it with you. I would encourage you to do the same. The only way a relationship can work is if both partners choose it to be. As much as it hurts right now, only time will tell.

The college years are meant for learning about yourself and how you fit into the world, what your interests are and what is important to you. It is a time to put yourself first, and devote your time to your education as well as your social life. To be tied down to someone who is a distance from you makes it all the harder for both parties in any relationship.

She needs to be doing the same thing. She will never know what she truly wants until she has had enough experience to learn from. The college years should be filled with new people, new ideas and new interests. I agree that it is not the time to put all your eggs in one basket.

When you are over the initial shock of the breakup, I would encourage you to do some dating as well. Each person we date, gives us a better picture of what we are looking for, as well as what will never work. Each person in our life has the ability to add different perspectives, different viewpoints and different ways of living. to us. The idea of making a lifelong commitment at your age is almost impossible, and not a good idea.

I would not put your life on hold while waiting for Kasey to make up her mind. I would encourage you to go on with your life, and enjoy everything about it. This is a very special time of life for you that you should not let pass you by. Make every day count towards building your own future and the relationship you deserve will come in the perfect time. As old fashioned as that sounds, it is true.

Create the life you want for yourself, including your profession, your home, your interests, and your family life. One day when you least expect it, the woman for you will appear.

Best wishes to you...

Last edited by writeleft; 02-19-2011 at 11:03 PM.

 
Old 02-20-2011, 10:02 AM   #4
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Re: Recent Break/Breakup

I know I know, it really hurts, but you know, to think that someone is "the one" is a bit desperate. This may sound like a heresy, but it is seldom that you can find in one person everything you are looking for. That is why we need rings and agreements, lol. Maybe maturity too.

All I can say is...

if you love her, let her go and find out what she really wants. Love can't be a prison....

and if you love yourself, don't put your life on hold, start going out again and meeting other people.

 
Old 02-20-2011, 01:27 PM   #5
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Re: Recent Break/Breakup

Thanks everyone! You all are really helpful . I'm just overreacting I guess, but I think I'm going to go along with what everyone said and not even "wait". Just tell her, "Hey, go on your way and I'll go on mine. Good luck to you." Because we had a wonderful time and I can't end our friendship out of pure spitefulness.

Thank you guys!

 
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