Where to start? My wife and I have been married for 15 yrs and have two fantastic children aged 11 and 7. We aren't made od money but we do ok.....nice house, two cars , holidays to disneyworld etc. We have had a great marriage, no major arguements, good sex life and both wanted the same things out of life. I am 41 and she is 39. I know that she loved me deeply as I did her.
So , where did it all go wrong?
On 1/8/2010, my wife came home from work and stated that she didn't want this anymore and that she still loved me but not as a husband......this was a bolt out of the blue for me but she stasted that she had been feeling like that for past 6 to 8 months. After many tears it was agreed we had to try and work on our marriage and try to save it.....my wife asked if i would move into my mums for a while as she needed space.....i agreed but only on the proviso that i see the kids every night and put them to bed and see them all weekend, every weekend. She agreed. Nearly two months past and things werent getting any better......I checked her mobile phone at beginning of October 2010 and found sexual texts from a male......she confessed that she had been having a sexual affair since April 2010 with a male she met through work.....she states that she loves him and our marriage is over. The male lives 300 miles away and she has been making up work trips once a month to go and stay with him. He is 33 yrs old and makes a similar amount of money to myself......he is currently separated from his wife leaving two children under 5!!!
Since finding out about affair, she has visited him a few times and he has come here a few times, meeting my children twice.
We are now awaiting the house to sell and I continue to see kids every day at our home and have themn one day at weekend overnight at my mums.
My wife flaunts the jewellery he has bought her and seems to be very angry all the time and jealous of everyone.....she has also started to try and call the shots in relation to when i see the kids etc..........if she tries, i will simply move back in the marital home!!!
She is not the person i knew at the moment....very tearful and angry at me all the time.........i feel that at the moment she thinks her only escape is with this male as she feels so guilty about what she has done, she refuses to talk about it or even think about it.
What I think:
I think the male is on the rebound and she is having a midlife crisis....they have found each other at low points and at the moment rely on each other emotionally. My wife has very few friends and she sees him as the only one she can talk to. When they met it was at glamorous corporate events and hotels and i'm sure it was all very exciting. They have not met up now for 9 weeks due to him going skiing and then having his own kids for the weekend and then his grandma taking very ill but they are planning meeting soon.......i know they keep in contact evbery day bu phone /internet and I know they are very sexual together judging by the text messages i saw and the fact that i saw that my wife had ordered a kama sutra book over internet......all gut wrenching for me!!
Escape seems to be the by word for all of this, I just dont know how to get her out of it, if i can.........i think time is the only answer.........she feels so tense around me now due to guilt and mixed emotions....i just can't get to her.
i think her relationship with this male is doomed but its just how long it will take and the effect on my wife when it does......i will have moved on a long way by then i hope.
My friend, don't get me wrong, but I think you came here basically for getting it off your chest (and you are perfectly entitled to that) rather than being given advice. Do you really need advice? Okay, I think you might need a memento, that is, remember:
a) that you are and will always be the father of your kids and should keep a good relationship with them avoiding to speak ill of their mother;
b) that you still have a long life to live and be happy and only you can live it, nobody else.
thanks for ur thoughts.....ur probably right......it all just seems madness and almost like a mental illness from her......it just isnt right!!!
I'll survive, just wanna make sure my kids have everything they need , when they need it.....inlcuding having me around whenever they need me.
I am so sorry for your situation... I only have one bit of advise.
Get yourself to the family court and get a custody order in place so that the children can get the full benefit of you as their father. She cannot interfere with your right to see them. This also can stipulate that the children not be taken out of the county without your permission. Now, these terms are the ones we use in the US, but whatever the terms are there, get that in order as soon as possible.
I agree with Pendulum with regards to the children not becoming privy to all the details and to keep relations open with their mother. In time they will make their own opinions. Is having the children full time be something you could offer them? That way your wife can go off and leave the kids with you, in a stable environment, rather than being drug around the country. Thank goodness they have a father that loves them and wants to do the best by them.
I wish you the strength to get through this with as little damage as possible. Keep your head up and keep a positive outlook on life.
Thanks for your message......i work in law and have secretly sought advice and have prohibited steps order ready to go if necessary......along with application for full custody..........at the moment i see them every day and make tea every day for them along with overnight friday night and all day saturday so i can manage with that....i just feel empty on days like today when i will only see them tonite.
I have full family support very nearby and i could easily adapt my work to ensure I spend just as much time with them every night and all weekend.
once again thanks for your comments.....really appreciated.
That is good news to hear. I imaging you will have a great case for full custody considering the fact that she has made the choices that she has...I do not know the legal terminology, but I would call it deserting the marriage.
It is heartwarming to see a father who has such deep feelings for his children and would do anything to keep them close. They need you now more than ever. I applaud you.
Having great family support is another big factor that is on your side. How have her parents reacted? I can't imagine them being too happy about it.
I had a solid upbringing, whereas my wife had a turbulant time with no hugs etc and never knowing her dad.....her mum is quite ineffective!!!!
Her mum offers no advice to her at all.......great mum huh!!
This is such a confusing time for me where i can't seem to do anything right......i am calm all the time but she just gets angrier and angrier......we had a great marriage.....she kind of makes out now that we we're having problems with non communication, romance, and doing things alone....i kinda accept some of that for pst 6 months or so..........we had a stressful time with work etc but i just put it down to first low in our marriage and that we would get through it......little did i know we wouldn't have a chance.
Kids dont know about her affair..........i agreed that no one should know as i didn't want kids effected by it..........they are beginning to suspect now i think!!!
we'll see what happens i guess.
First, I think your guesses on your wife's future are going to play out exactly as you expect. She's burning a lot of bridges for someone she's having a partial relationship with.
I'm curious about one thing (and you may not know) but was this other man already separated from his wife when he connected with your wife?
Only a couple of thoughts: I do think there's more to this than your wife being unhappy with her life. I think chemical changes occur in our bodies at different phases that drive certain behaviors and feelings. It's just too bad that your wife chose this way out of her feelings. Maybe she will be ready in another year or so to acknowledge she needs more help than a change in the man in her life. I'm not saying wait for her. I just wouldn't be surprised if there's more to the changes you've seen.
Lastly, I understand you are struggling to hold things together but is there any chance your staying so calm is seen by her as a lack of passion for her and the marriage? I see things from your side, but if she had a turbulent childhood I can see where she might interpret your behavior differently.
I sure hope things work out for you. You are doing the right thing. It doesn't make it any easier to get through the days but I'd think it would certainly help you sleep at night.
Hey, thanks for your thoughts.......HE left his wife and children about 2 months before he met my wife......
Your comments about passion I dont think are right, initially after finding out, I was very emotional and we both cried lots of tears, she knows how much i love her as I have told her lots of times, she just doesnt want to hear it...she's almost impossible to deal with at moment and blocks evrything out......everytime i mention emotional stuff she gets angry......she seems to have a really warped view of our life together now and is angry with evryone!!!
hi ,thanks all for your thoughts.......real tricky but see how things go.....i got plans and backup plans coming out my ears and i write a diary every night.....riddled with worry but optimistic that my kids will be fine
will keep u all posted