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Old 02-21-2011, 01:37 AM   #1
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Arrow Friends with benefits

I was in a serious relationship for 6 years and it was full of lies and cheating on my partners side for the first 4 years. This hurted tremendously I felt stuck. The last 2 years of the relationship i lied and i cheated....which people say 2 wrongs doesn't make a right and that is true. But in that case two wrongs made me feel alot better. I know now that i hurted him in more ways then he ever hurt me by doing the exact same things. But now im free and have been free for a little over a year now. I try not to look back into the past. There were good time and bad time but now its over.

Since the Breakup i decided to be single and enjoying not being committed to anyone. I have friendships not relationships. I am over protective of my emotions and feelings and try my hardest to not fall in too deep. I like friends with benefits....i guess thats what its called. I had 2 friends in the past year and things were good there was an understanding that we were friends and sex was sex.....apart of us hanging out. Now its over but i still remain just friends with both people...NO SEX!

In the last three months i have have formed a friendship with a guy and we hang out and spend time together and ofcourse sex together. We both have an understanding of friends with benefits! There is one issue one his part. He has a girlfriend. And i know this he told me from the beginning and we were friends no benefits for the first month of basically getting to kno each other.

I know whats right and whats wrong but what am i to do when im single and having fun im only 23. I think the fact that he has a girlfriend is his issue. Or am i being young minded, selfish and not holding my self accountable? Even though we have this agreement and its no serious feelings involved...should it continue to go on until we decide that its over? Should i end it because its wrong? Or should i continue because everyone does what they want to do?

Im confused.....

 
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Old 02-21-2011, 03:26 AM   #2
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Re: Friends with benefits

Who among us can tell you exactly what to do? There are pros and cons on both sides. And we can't afford to sound like preachers.

However, if you are feeling confused, perhaps that means that something is not really working for you.

You say you are over protective of your emotions and feelings and try your hardest to not fall in too deep. Let me ask you this: do you feel - sorry, do you think this is the best way for you to enjoy life - by controlling your feelings?

 
Old 02-21-2011, 03:51 AM   #3
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Re: Friends with benefits

Well things are fine but today he was on the phone with his girlfriend and it made me think of times when I was in her position...you kno based on my prev. Relationship! I guess I really wasn't feeling confused about what I was doing but I felt bad for her. They been together for 8 years and have 5 kids together. I'm just doing what I want and he is too. They are taking a break from each other. But I don't look at it that way because once you be with someone for that long and have kids its either you are or your not no inbetween and no games. I guess the whole point of my post is me puting my self in her shoes.....because I been there and I didn't like it at all. I never really thought about her feelings until today!

I'm working on me right now as far as finding stability financially and etc. So I think controling my feelings for now works for me......because I know me, and I can't deal with the stress of a relationship or give my all in a relationship right now until I get me to where I really wanna be.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 07:32 AM   #4
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Re: Friends with benefits

Think it depends if you believe in karma or if you believe that you reap what you sow. You say you've been the gf on the receiving end of a cheater, so you know what it feels like to find out you've been betrayed. It doesn't matter that you claim its no strings attached because he has a long term gf with 5 (?!) Kids. What did his girlfriend ever do to you to make you want to be a part of hurting her this way? Think about how awful you felt in her postion and realize that this is not a healthy situation for you to be in.

I think your conscience is working on you and you know its wrong or else you wouldn't be asking. If you want to have an fwb with a guy, that's fine, but it should be with a guy who is either single or in an open relationship so he isn't cheating and so you are not contributing to the cheating. Otherwise, from what I believe, I really think you will always have relationship problems because of the bad karma you are perpetuating in this situation for this other woman who is clueless that she is being betrayed.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 08:01 AM   #5
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Re: Friends with benefits

He's probably just telling you that they are "on a break"...that's most likely just a lie....this man likes his cake and to eat it too. Of course what you are doing is wrong...you know that, he knows that...we all know it's wrong to have an affair with a man that has a SO and a family.
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Old 02-21-2011, 11:02 AM   #6
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Re: Friends with benefits

I think you were so hurt by the first guy you wre with for 6 years that you allowed that to kill your heart. And you are working overtime making sure it stays dead, by treating sex like it's nothing, like there should be no feelings attached to it, "sex is just sex". But you are working so hard at making yourself hard, working so hard at trying to treat sex like it's not the emotional investment that it probably is for you, that this can only do your heart and soul damage. One day you're going to meet a really fantastic guy, and you won't know how to love him because you've been trying so hard to not love, to not feel, to reduce sex to its basest form. You have to decide whether this is who you really want to be or not. I kind of think if this was who you really wanted to be, you wouldn't be so confused and conflicted about it.

Sex causes the body to release a hormone/chemical called Oxytocin, which causes people, especially women, to feel more bonded to their partner. Sex is the most intimate of all experiences, and most importantly, it's what creates human life, supposedly the most sacred thing on earth. Your ex love of 6 years had "just sex" with other women, yet look how much pain it caused you. Do you honestly believe "sex is just sex?"

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-21-2011 at 11:03 AM.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 11:23 AM   #7
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Re: Friends with benefits

I agree with Kszan that you should look for a "fwb" among the single or those in an open relationship. It is much easier and guilt-free. For, even if you guys know what you are doing and are responsible for every act, guilt will somehow find a way of setting in. By the way, I disagree with the terms "friends with benefits". Maybe because English is not my first language, but I know that friends are much more than that. Fwb is just another name and a rather inadequate one for that matter for sex partner. My two cents.

Last edited by pendulum; 02-21-2011 at 11:30 AM.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 01:10 PM   #8
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Re: Friends with benefits

I think if a guy had posted this it would have been way harsher responses. I agree though, getting involved with someone who has a partner already esp with kids is never a good idea. We all need soul searching and life experience. Best of luck!

 
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Old 02-21-2011, 07:27 PM   #9
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Re: Friends with benefits

How would you feel if she called you, crying and asking why you are helping her man ruin her family?

 
Old 02-21-2011, 10:10 PM   #10
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Re: Friends with benefits

I'm going to post this and hope that you can take it to heart without it sounding too harsh. It's just my opinion, but that's kind of what you were asking for.

Personally, I have no respect for people who are the "other" woman/man. You are knowingly helping a man break his family apart, and although you kind of "care", you don't really. I find that really sad. Typically, people who are the "other" woman or man are in that position because they find it to be an ego boost. It sounds like your heart is broken, so you're not really worried about anyone else's heart. That's not okay.

If I were you, I would end the relationship. Honestly, I never would've even gotten myself into it. You knew he was in a relationship and he has kids, and you just don't care. You said you've imagined yourself in her position... well, keep doing that. He not only has one child with her, but FIVE children!! Think about those children as well. Just because you try to convince yourself that HE'S the one at fault because he's the one in the relationship, you are at fault as well. You know what's going on and you don't have the morals or standards to stop it. You in turn are going to create more "broken" women, just like you are now.

Yes, chances are that if he doesn't cheat with you, he'll cheat with someone else. Either way, don't you value yourself and have high enough morals for yourself that you see that this situation is NOT okay? Honestly, I don't even see what you would find appealing about a guy like that. I would be so incredibly turned off by someone like that.

 
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Old 02-22-2011, 02:08 PM   #11
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Re: Friends with benefits

sorry to be harsh but wheres your self respect? why can't you have friendships without sex? i know your young and single but your setting yourself up for a big let down. also, wheres the respect for the poor lady hes cheating on with you?

 
Old 02-22-2011, 03:54 PM   #12
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Re: Friends with benefits

IMHO this is exactly the reason why I don't agree with having opposite sex "friends". Usually the man is mostly just interested in the aspect of possible sex down the road anyway. Men, for the most part, are not normally intested in hanging out with a woman and chit chatting and having their nails done! An affair is usually the end result of opposite sex "friendships"!
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Last edited by xpcandy; 02-22-2011 at 03:56 PM.

 
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Old 02-23-2011, 04:30 AM   #13
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Re: Friends with benefits

I may have a different take on this, perhaps because I am a man and not that young any more.

Usually I am against cheating, but as far as I can see, there are cheatings and cheatings. If the cheating is intentional and made to harm the other partner or if the "cheater" is cheating just to revenge or if the cheating is purely recreational and exposes the wife or husband to STDs, then this is really bad. But in some cases, cheating is unavoidable, because the circumstances of the marriage or official relationship are so complicated that they don't permit a different solution. In this case, if the "cheating" happens, it should be discreet and safe and of course this kind of "cheating" is just palliative (= just a temporary relief), until it becomes possible to come out and put all the cards on the table.

This said, I think all kinds of cheating have one thing in common: they generate guilt, in some people more, in other people less. Sometimes the guilt is unconscious, but it is always there.

I am inclined to look at what BJ Cheeks is going through like an experience in her life, and I would make a point of not criticizing her too much. We tend to think that the one being cheated on is the poor victim, we tend to sympathize with them, and that is all right, but in many cases (as I said above) the cheating is a consequence of a relationship in crisis, for which both partners are responsible. Cheating, right or wrong, was the first solution to be put in practice, if that makes sense to anyone. Yes, by cheating the cheater is often trying to find a way-out, but of course cheating will often prove to be the wrong way in the long run.

Ideally sex should be used with love, but often sex is a force greater than love. Often sex comes before love and may even create love. Indeed, sex, even casual sex, deny it as we may, is not only the search of pleasure, but also the (often unconscious) search of love.

If BJ Cheeks can realize a few of these things (of course they are just my opinion), she can probably figure out the answers to her original questions.

 
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