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Old 02-21-2011, 05:55 AM   #1
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Unhappy Just Don't Get It

Where do I begin? I've battled depression and low self-esteem for years. I'm 32 now. Years ago, I thought I knew what I wanted, blah blah blah. Only recently did it occur to me that I was afraid to take any chances. My self-esteem couldn't take rejection. It's still my biggest struggle. I'm immensely hard on myself and don't know how not to fall apart after things (relationships) don't work. Here goes:

A week ago this past Friday, I met this guy. My friend's husband plays in a band so I went to watch. The bartender and I really hit it off. I've hit it off with bartenders in the past for things to not progress. I know bartenders have a reputation but any person, in any career, can be a jerk. So as the night went on, we spoke how we both like hockey and photography. He does freelance tv camera work. He's a jack of all trades. I mentioned possibly going to an NHL game because we both like the same team. He gave me his phone to put my number in. I ended up playing tambourine for my friend's husband. Rich (bartender) joined me on stage and we all kind of played together. It was obvious we had a liking toward each other. When I came off of the stage at one point, he had left a napkin "rose" on my pocket book.

At the end of the night, he walked me out. Yes we kissed but NOTHING ELSE. I'm a virgin so that wasn't happening. I hadn't kissed a guy in almost 2 years. He also tried NOTHING. That made me think he wasn't just interested in sex. I told him I wasn't that type of girl. He told me it was nice to kiss someone again and that he didn't want me to be that type of girl. I'm new into photography. He told me he could teach me about my camera. Kept telling me how beautiful I was and asked if I were a snuggler. It was just really sweet. He NEVER made me feel he was just after sex. He could've tried in so many ways. I finally went home.

2 days later, I texted him that I had a great time. He responded he did too. We texted for a few minutes. I told my older brother, which I usually don't. He told me to text him something silly about when he was going to pick me up. No response! I tried texting a few times...no response. The only thing that makes me feel better is my friend's husband tried to contact him (I had no clue they spoke outside the bar) and he couldn't get him either. I've come to find his phone has been changed, disconnected, or out of service. I had friended the bar on the infamous social networking site. They only responded Saturday. I tagged them in the photos my friend took. They replied, "We will be sure to tell Rich." Rich is my guy. The other bartender then friended me.

I know I'm going to see him again b/c my friend's band will play again. How do I act? At one point in the night, we were all in a group talking. It wasn't just him and I. Out of no where I got this feeling in my stomach. I feel soooooo dumb saying this but the feeling was that I was going to marry him. I never felt that. It's a week later and now I'm so incredibly sad. I 100% thought we would've hung out and now he's disappeared. I could see if he tried to get sex and didn't...that he wanted me for one thing. But he tried nothing and was really sweet. I want answers badly. It makes no sense to me. So I'm battling gaining self-esteem and trying to meet people. I want to push forward and not care. This is where I get stuck. Was this too good to be true? Was I played? Or can he be legit and I may still hear from him?

 
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Old 02-21-2011, 06:26 AM   #2
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Re: Just Don't Get It

You played the tambourine in a club or bar and there were strangers around? Great! It seems that you are overcoming your problems with self-esteem.

Did he ask you if you were a snuggler on your first encounter? Interesting... Maybe a bit too forward, but anyway it shows that he is after some physical contact, maybe. What and how did you answer?

Maybe - maybe - you have a problem with faith. You have a difficult time believing and accepting that good things can also happen to you! And maybe - maybe - you are a little too impatient.

Take your time and be positive. Whatever will be will be.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 07:24 AM   #3
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Re: Just Don't Get It

A few things you should keep in mind. First, every guy who is nice to you and shows you attention doesn't necessarily want to date you. A bartender especially would just want to have a casual good time and not get too serious. Your problem, which is the same for so many other girls who are desperate for a relationship, is that you assume every guy who shows you the slightest bit of niceness is "the one". You don't even know this guy and you're already saying you think you want to marry him? Really? Based on hanging out one night for just a few hours? I think you should take a step back and when you go out for the night, if a guy shows you attention then enjoy it for the moment. Don't jump so far ahead that you're already marrying the guy in your head just cause he is flirting with you. If you keep doing that, you will totally get hurt every time because nine times out of ten, for the guy, he was just looking for a girl to flirt with while out with his buddies.

Second thing is that you need to stop making your feeling of self worth and your self esteem come from others. If you do that, you will always be dissapointed. The only way to have confidence and a sense of self worth is to feel it and know it because its your opinion that matters about yourself, no one else's. So if a hundred guys don't find you attractive, instead of assuming you're ugly, you realize that those hundred guys are stupid cause you know you're awesome and anyone who doesn't think so is an idiot. Never let what other people think about you be how you think of you. That will never make you happy because there's no pleasing everybody and besides people can be so rude and inconsiderate anyways so who cares what they think? All that matters is that you know that you're great and somewhere out there are other people who think so too or who would think so if they got to know you better.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 11:10 AM   #4
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Re: Just Don't Get It

It sounds like you had a great night, lots of fun, and that's great! One step at a time. You met a great guy and had a lot of fun with him, and that's great, too. But please don't be too quick to turn it into something so fast. I'm not saying you were "played," I don't think you've known Rich long enough for him to have played you. I think you're just perhaps trying to rush things a little. You've tried to contact him, his number has been changed or whatever. Leave it at that. The ball's in his court. If he's really interested, he'll contact you. Next time you go see your friend's husband's band play at that bar, just have a good time. If he talks to you, make nice conversation, and wait for him to offer an explanation of where he's been. If he doesn't, then you'll know he's not really interested in anything more than just flirting and having fun. But that's ok. Don't rush it. Just enjoy the moments as they come, and stick to your standards.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 01:53 PM   #5
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I appreciate your response but would not say Im desperate!!!! And I never said I wanted to marry him. There was a feeling in my stomach. I'm working on not letting my worth come from others. I don't believe every guy I'm attracted to is THE ONE, as stated.

Larrylou; I'm sure I will see him again. He just seemed really interested so I thought the "turn over" would be faster. I do really well for a few days then everything goes sour. I start thinking all negative. He knew he wasn't getting sex so why be all sweet? Why respond after meeting then not at all?

Pendulum, I definitely have difficulty with faith. I try to believe but once I'm let down, I'm too tired to climb back up. He asked if I was a snuggler. I responded yes but verified I wasn't a random hook up girl. Still didn't try anything after. If he did, I would he was only interested in sex. He seemed interested in more.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 02-21-2011 at 04:29 PM.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 04:00 PM   #6
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Re: Just Don't Get It

Quote:
Originally Posted by Will I Be Happy View Post
Larrylou; I'm sure I will see him again. He just seemed really interested so I thought the "turn over" would be faster. I do really well for a few days then everything goes sour. I start thinking all negative. He knew he wasn't getting sex so why be all sweet? Why respond after meeting then not at all?
It's been my experience that some men just like doing that, sometimes it's a power or an ego thing, to be able to sweet talk a girl, even if he doesn't like her and doesn't want to pursue her, he likes to practice his flirting, and enjoys knowing he could get her if he really did want her. It could be he was just living in the moment. Had a nice night with a pretty girl, and then that's it, move onto the next pretty girl. Who knows. But thing to remember is, it's not your job to figure out why he was so sweet to you. It's not worth the trouble or the bother to waste brain power on wondering why. You had a nice night with him, so just enjoy that. Maybe you'll have another nice night with him sometime, maybe not. Onward.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 04:50 PM   #7
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Re: Just Don't Get It

You're right, I think desperate is the wrong word. What I mean is that for someone who really wants a relationship, they see anyone who expresses the smallest interest in them as a potential relationship partner. But that's not a good way to look at it because as I said you will keep getting disappointed if you look at it that way. A lot of the guys who hang out in bars just want a girl to flirt with and be nice to THAT evening, not a relationship partner. And like larrylou's mom said, often it's a major ego thing for them to see if they can get a girl interested. The thing to remember, and this goes back to my second point, is that if they don't pursue anything further with you, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or that you did anything wrong. Because like I also said before, if a guy meets you and gets to know you a little but doesn't decide to pursue something, it's HIS loss, not yours. You have to always keep that in mind when meeting guys because all of this goes hand in hand.

Just go have fun and live for the moment and don't overthink this stuff. Most guys you meet in bars aren't worth overthinking it, anyway, to be honest.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 05:25 PM   #8
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Re: Just Don't Get It

I think, rather than texting, I would've just gone back to the bar the next weekend and seen if he was around and in a talkative mood.
I think it sometimes takes more than one face-to-face meeting to cement things for some guys.
The texting may have been premature.

I don't know. I'm sure if you just keep going out with your friends and having fun, you'll find someone eventually.

I don't mean to be hurtful, but in all honesty, the revelation that you're a virgin at age 32 could be off-putting to some men, especially the type you're likely to meet in bars.
It might be a point in your favor to other types of men, like the type you'd meet in church.
You should probably think about exactly what it is you're looking for.
I don't know if you actually told him or not, but you mention that on your first and only meeting you told him you're "not that type of girl". Did he ask? Did he attempt to have sex with you? I'm saying, the revelation might've been premature.

Anyway. good luck.

Last edited by Kali333; 02-21-2011 at 07:24 PM.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 07:21 PM   #9
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Re: Just Don't Get It

You said you had a feeling you are going to marry him. So that makes you want to marry him. It's like, I have a feeling I'm going to get this job I applied for. Then when I don't get it, I'm disappointed.

You are actually getting your hopes up way too high too soon. Like others have said, just because a guy talks to you for a few hours doesn't necessarily mean he wants to date you. He at least thought you were nice & attractive (the kissing), but it's way too soon for either of you to think about anything more than that.

I'm afraid you are setting yourself up for disappointment by jumping too fast too soon. Maybe not with your actions but with your thoughts. I've met lots of guys I've flirted with and didn't get depressed or sad if they never called. Some will, some won't. If they do, great. If not, oh well. Try to get that attitude and that way you won't be so disappointed and sad.

I think you need to give yourself a break.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 07:26 PM   #10
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Re: Just Don't Get It

I didn't write that I told him I'm a virgin. A guy can flirt with a girl but we aren't 22 anymore. You don't talk like you're going to see her if you have no intention. I said I wasn't that type of girl so he knew that sex wasn't happening. As far as bars, jerks come in all shapes and sizes! Yes I want to find someone. And I also don't think any guy who shows me attention is the one.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 07:32 PM   #11
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Re: Just Don't Get It

I don't think he's a jerk. Yes, he flirted with you and talked to you and kissed you. Well, you flirted with him and talked to him and kissed him! That doesn't make you a jerk either.

I guess the jerky part is that you feel he led you to believe he wanted to spend more time with you or see you again? Again, he may have thought that at the time, but for whatever reason it hasn't happened yet.

It just seems that you form reactions very quickly and not necessarily based on what has actually happened but rather from what you perceive to be happening. I would make an attempt to see him again and talk (not text or call but in person) and see what happens. Let him know he is welcome to call you and then see what happens next.

 
Old 02-21-2011, 08:08 PM   #12
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Re: Just Don't Get It

Quote:
Originally Posted by Will I Be Happy View Post
I didn't write that I told him I'm a virgin. A guy can flirt with a girl but we aren't 22 anymore. You don't talk like you're going to see her if you have no intention. I said I wasn't that type of girl so he knew that sex wasn't happening. As far as bars, jerks come in all shapes and sizes! Yes I want to find someone. And I also don't think any guy who shows me attention is the one.
Well, as I said. I didn't mean to give offense, but it seems to me that it would be unusual to find a man in his 30s who would be interested in pursuing a relationship in which it was announced- immediately- that there would be no sex.

And it would be especially unusual to find such a man tending bar in a live music venue.

While I think most men might be equally reluctant to enter into a serious relationship with a woman who offered up sex on the first date, I think at least leaving the possibility open that sex might occur at some point if all goes well in the relationship might actually be a prerequisite for many men.

You need to find a man who shares your values.

That's just my opinion, though. I don't know anything about dating in the year 2011, honestly. I've been married for ages, it's been a long time since I've dated.

Last edited by Kali333; 02-21-2011 at 08:11 PM.

 
Old 02-22-2011, 05:32 AM   #13
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Re: Just Don't Get It

I wasn't giving it up the first time we met, that night. Of course I want it to be part of a relationship. I didn't want him thinking he was getting laid because I'm not a one night stand person (obviously). That was my point there. I agree with the job analogy. Yes I've dated over the years but I've always been let down. In going to therapy, I'm realizing so much about myself. I kept myself closed off for soooo long. I don't want to do that anymore but my confidence takes a major blow when I put myself out there I don't even get a shot at "the job." My attraction to people is far and few between. I can tell myself it's nothing wrong with me but there is something that won't let me believe it. I try to be patient but my anxiety and excitement take over. I do feel led on. He made it seem that he was interested in seeing me, outside the venue. So of course, I'm going on what I perceived. If he hadn't mentioned anything, I would've left thinking he just wanted fun. So I got ahead of myself, thinking I was being pro-active. I texed him a few times. Being his phone isn't active, I have no clue what messages he got. I will not contact anymore. Now I feel like a fool for thinking he wanted to get to know me. This is where I don't know how to not beat myself up. I sort of feel like the kid in class who isn't getting it. If I hadn't closed myself off years ago, I'd have more experience with this. I feel like I'm never going to get it. Like I'm a big joke!

 
Old 02-22-2011, 05:45 AM   #14
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Re: Just Don't Get It

Now I feel I want to apologize to him for being so hasty. I just thought he was interested and thought there was nothing wrong with persuing it. This is where my confidence and low self-esteem tells me he hates me. I know these are the things I'm working on but it's not fun. I feel like I will never get it!

 
Old 02-22-2011, 06:08 AM   #15
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Re: Just Don't Get It

um I know I'm new to this but, seriously girl, its ok! No, you're not desparate. But, you do want someone! right!?! Anyway, just hang tight. Bartenders are notorious for breaking a girls heart. True, they just wanna have a good time too! I too have felt that way about different guys, but, what I take out of it in the end, is that I'm getting better and better at enjoying my own company! Ha, maybe that is the lesson. By the time you get to like your own company, then, when you aren't looking, someone will come along and blow you right out of the water! But by then, you won't be anxious, cause you know at the end of the day, you are still you and you are ok. P.S. you should be very proud of yourself and your virginity at your age! that isn't so common anymore.

Last edited by ModWest; 02-22-2011 at 06:17 AM. Reason: Please use quick reply instead of quote reply.

 
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