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Old 02-22-2011, 10:00 AM   #1
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Boyfriend and I do not share the same dreams

I posted briefly about this before, but really need some advice and more suggestions, maybe clever ones on what to do...

My boyfriend and I met in the south when I rented my own place. I have been renting ever since I was younger with no financial troubles and always enjoyed having my own space. My career started to take off, but after I met my boyfriend, we fell in love, etc. and he was moving back to his hometown, as he hates the south and was only there temporarily. I anticpated started my business back up in his hometown so I could go with him, sold my vehicle and everything I owned, and together, we moved to the North to stay with his parents temporarily until we established decent jobs and found our own place.

It has been almost a year. My boyfriend got a job, but him and I both agreed it was unfeasible for me to keep anything but my online business since we still plan on moving to a location which relies on public transportation. For me to purchase a vehicle would be more costly, so I stuck with my online business, contributing as much as I possibly could.

We have looked into renting and moving out of his parents' home (they love having us) but it just will not work to rent on our own... My boyfriend is "waiting" for the moment he gets a higher paying job. He looks at places that are out of our price range that he seems to think we can afford, or eventually afford. Although he is good with money, he only wants the best.

He seems more concerned over how his current furniture will fit, wants to live in high-end areas and looks at places with granite counter tops and wood flooring. Everytime I suggest a location or find a "decent" place that we could even afford NOW, there is always an excuse... "doesn't like the kitchen....Not close enough to here, and there...Furniture wont fit..."The list goes on and on. Places he finds appealing are thousands of dollars per month....Therefore, OUR only option is to stay at his parents until he lands a promotion. There just is no other way as he refuses to see eye to eye with me on considering a lower rent amount. As weird as this sounds, I am not materialistic in the least. Luxury sometimes intimidates me and I am frugal and realistic...

I love my boyfriend dearly, but I feel as though I am waiting for my life to start....he is in his thirties and I am almost thirty. I understand (and appreciate) staying at his parents and they love having us, but it is not "our" space. or "our" things. I feel trapped because I am unable to contribute to his high standard of living as far as apartments and I don't make enough that would ever pay the bills because I do not have a vehicle. Nor, would it make sense at this point in time to get a vehicle since he refuses to live in the town where his parents reside. He keeps saying it could just be a few months, so not to bother. This has left me feeling even more trapped.

Everytime this conversation comes up, there is an argument and it takes a toll on me. Sometimes I even wish I was back home in the south where life seemed so much easier and I was happier (where I lived). I know I shouldn't base our relationship on the area where we live, but I just don't feel like I belong here. On top of feeling this way, even his friends who have lived here all their life comment on how expensive it is to survive where my boyfriend wants to reside. Some of them have even made plans to move out of the state because it is too expensive. My boyfriend always tells them he doesn't care...that HE loves this area. But I am starting to feel like he doesn't care what I think. I know both of us can't have our way....but I know...deep down that if I ever were to move back to the south, that he would not go with me. There is no doubt in my mind - he would choose his residence over our relationship. I would never make him choose, but the thought of that hurts me more. I've given up everything I owned and loved to be with him. He is not a bad person, but he just has dreams that I do not share....How do you possibly compromise on an issue like this?

 
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Old 02-22-2011, 10:36 AM   #2
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Re: Boyfriend and I do not share the same dreams

My advice has not changed since the last time you posted. And I'm pretty sure no one else's will, either. This just isn't going to work. He refuses to compromise, even though you're the one with experience living on your own so you actually know what you're talking about. This is totally not going to work. The fact that you know he wouldn't follow you if you were to move back home (South) means that you already know this isn't going to work out. I think you should just cut your losses and go back there. You gave up everything in your life for this guy and he has done nothing for you in return. AND he refuses to compromise even just a little bit. He is a selfish and immature guy, you could do much better, I hope you realize this?

It's not worth your time to keep trying to explain to him all the reasons why his expensive taste is going to drive him to the poorhouse because he will never ever get it. He isn't smart enough to figure it out and he has zero experience with being outside the confines of mommy and daddy's pocketbook. You already know this, you really need to start looking out for yourself at this point. Please don't let this guy dictate your lives. Don't let him be the one who always gets his way. Realize that he wants completely different things in life than you do and then move on.

 
Old 02-23-2011, 06:13 AM   #3
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Re: Boyfriend and I do not share the same dreams

While I will keep myself from judging your boyfriend, I will totally agree that you guys are on different wavelengths.

What I gather from your post is that financial independence, safety and possibly a sound career are very important items for you. Maybe even more than a relationship?

Traditional wisdom states that a woman should follow her man, because in most cases that is the best arrangement, but you are not feeling happy here, you feel like you don't belong, you probably think that your work will not thrive in this place, he doesn't listen to you, he doesn't even recognize you, etc etc.

I hate to say this, but perhaps it would be better for you to go back to your homeplace, for it seems something or someone "is calling you back".

You want a clever suggestion? No, this is probably not a clever one, but perhaps you could take a vacation and go back to the south to visit your relatives and friends. You will be able to check your possibilities to settle down there again (how does it really feel to be back home again?).

You are facing difficult decisions and you have to be strong, and one of them is to tell your boyfriend that you are coming back home, in case you decide this is really the best plan for you.

 
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