Seriously, does it get better?? I'm the problem and I don't know how to fix it. I'm an awesome girl. I've not met a guy friend who doesn't say I'm the perfect catch (Mostly 'inappropriate' friends (male married co- workers, childhood male friends, random male friends/ co-worker, etc)) But when I'm in a relationship and actually like the guy (I've been in a few relationship where I don't like the guy, they like me- but these work out best), I must put out some weird vibe cause guys retract (maybe I'm just imagining this, but I don't think so). I don't get it. Should I just settle for the men who 'love me' and won't ever hurt me yet I have no real deep feelings for?
I promise I don't become psycho and clingy. I always play it cool. And Guy usually doesn't know there's an issue. But inside, I feel completely insecure- which I'm typically not. I actually have high self esteem and am really self assured in life over all. But when it comes to relationships... Oy vey! Where did it go wrong!!!!???? I break off the relationship because I don't think anyone should be subjected to my craziness!!
Honestly, I don't think you are the problem, but maybe the problem is how you are coming across to other people.
Maybe you have a problem with speed like you are going too fast, so you better slow down.
Or maybe it is with size, so you better "cut yourself" down to size.
I don't know if you get my drift or if I am being clear enough, but the impression your post gave to me is that you need to be and appear to be more "human" and maybe less awesome and perfect. Maybe you look so gorgeous that it scares people away.
Strive to develop your more delicate feelings, allow to make some mistakes and appear perfectly human, like everyone else. Don't focus so much on yourself, but more on other people and especially on your inner self rather than on your outer self, if you see what I mean.
You should come to point where you don't suck at relationships, but enjoy being in relationships, because in most genuine relationships, whether they are short or long, there's always something to be learned and enjoyed.
I hope this helps you rather than makes you angry at me.
Hi Pendulum. No I'm not angry at you! That was good advice. I actually pace myself according to the relationship. I always make sure not to 'speed up' as you worded.
But I am awesome without trying!! LOL I'm just kidding. I'm a bit sarcastic as well . But being human... maybe that's the part I need to work on? How do I develop more delicate feelings? (to be honest, I really don't even know what that means... told you I suck!!!). I think I do focus too much on myself and try hard not to 'screw things up'. But how can I actually stop doing that?
Ugh, I just don't get relationships. Growing up I wasn't allowed to date. And I didn't. So when I did start dating, it just wasn't the right setting. I think I never developed those feelings involved in what it means to 'date'. I think I saw a talk show clip about women who are attracted to unavailable men... maybe that's my problem... either way it goes, I am the common denominator in all of this. I think I'm just going to stay away from men. I don't have anything against them. I'm not a man hater. I just don't know how to... be with them? I guess?
So, what you're saying is, when you meet a really great guy you could have deep feelings for, you dump him because you don't want to inflict your craziness on him, kind of the "I wouldn't want to join any club that would have me for a member" kind of thing? is that right?
If that's the case, then I'd say no, you don't have good self esteem at all. If you don't think you're good enough for a really great guy and only feel comfortable being with the schmoes who fawn over you but you feel nothing for, then you need to work on being better to yourself, and believing that you really do deserve to be with a really great guy. Perhaps working with a therapist or counselor can get you to a point where you feel secure within yourself and feeling good about what you bring to the table.
I'm saying, over all, in life, I have a positive self esteem. I'm always participate in roles where I encourage young women the importance of education vs the importance of trying to find a boyfriend just to 'fit in', mentor the youth when I can. At work, I am responsible and am seen as a valuable asset to the company, come from a very close family where we all respect each other. I have a dual degree which I am completely proud of. I am grateful and thankful for my experiences, even when they haven't turned out right. I always try to help others, participate in any raffle just to help out the cause (if it's school related (raffles, bake sales, girl scout/ boy scout), I try to do more because I want them to know they can achieve their goals and to show them people out in the world genuinely want to help. I try to make right decisions, and I love my cat. I am happy with the way my life has gone. I'm young, not 100% successful but I know I will be. I'm at peace with my looks (though a couple extra inches wouldn't hurt).
But like I said, and like my post states, I suck at relationships. I don't think I don't deserve a good man. I believe everyone deserves a good person in their life regardless of the 'bad decisions' they've made. These are one of the topics I 'preach' to my young friends who think they don't deserve anyone good because of XYZ. And I am a helluva a catch. And I don't need anyone to tell me that (I'm not the type who doesn't needs to hear these kinds of things because I believe in myself).
Again, the problem is relationships. I just don't know to really function in them. When I really like a guy back, it just seems like I mess it up. Again, maybe it's cause I am trying so hard to make it work that I ruin it. Then I back off because I feel like I'm taking my partner on a crazy ride. However, these guys who like me (and aren't schmoes, just unfortunate for liking me when I don't feel the same), I try to reciprocate the feelings but am never really able to. Everyone says I just haven't found the right guy and when I do, I will just know. Which is why I question if it gets better. Because while I am not older, I'm not that young either.
I know I have a 'issue' but how do I solve it? I know what a counselor will say. In theory it will all makes sense. But why can't I make it happen.
And would it be wrong to be with the guy who will always cherish me and be good to me and will provide stability whom I can love as a friend, but unfortunately never really as a lover? There are a lot of guys out there who feel they can love a woman enough for the 2 of them. I don't think that would be fair for the guy. And I don't think an attraction like that will grow over time. It's either there or it's not.
So how can I fix it so that I'm not caught in between these 2 polar extremes? Or have I really just not met "him" yet?
I kinda went all over the place with this one. I just don't think it's a self esteem issue. It's just a fault/flaw of mine I want to fix.
curly fry.....I've been single, I've been married, I've co-habitated, I've been divorced. I've sought out relationships, and I've taken a hiatus on seeking relationships at times.....where am I going with this? I know you're wondering......my point is that relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be. A few years back I stopped looking and just enjoyed being by myself. It's not so bad.....there's much less stress, and no compromise. You can eat what you want, when you want, leave your shoes in the middle of the floor if you want to, etc. Now I have a boyfriend, and there are times that i wished I was by myself again. Don't sweat it......enjoy your own company, you're the only one you can count on.
The Following User Says Thank You to rosequartz For This Useful Post: GenPine (02-26-2011)
Thanks Rosequartz. I don't even know why I care so much about this. I blame Disney and their fairy tale endings!! I mean, I do wish relationships came easier for me. They do for so many. And I see so many men who put up with a lot of stuff from women (but will they put up with my madness?). I just don't understand why they don't for me. Everything else seems to tie in together. Like, what could I possibly be doing to always end up like in these 2 ends? I really don't think I'm doing anything wrong. I try to always try to keep things uniformed when it comes to guys. But in between the 'crush' stage and 'couple of months into it' stage, I guess I deprogram. Or maybe I jump the gun when things get 'off'. Again, I think I'm just forcing things and not really listening to the 'inner me' like Pendulum said. AH! I just really wish I can accept everything for what it is without over analyzing. Brain, stop getting in the way
haha, well it took YEARS for me to mellow out a bit.....I'm probably quite a bit older than you....I'm 51
when I was younger, relationships were my primary focus.....I had to either be in one, or looking for my next one.....so time consuming and stressful! After many disappointments and also discovering that I am co-dependent, I decided that the only way for me to NOT be co-dependent was to be alone....I didn't think I could be in a relationship, and fight the co-dependency. I still struggle with it, but I know what to look for now. If I catch myself "self-sacrificing" for someone else, or meeting their needs to the exclusion of my own, I step back and re-think things. But I've learned to enjoy my alone time, and enjoy my own company. If my relationship doesn't last, or i find myself single or by myself again, I know it's not the end of the world.....I will survive!
Great words! In fact I was waiting for Rose's response on this and I think I could in part make her words my own, if adequate. I am even older than her, but I guess that it was basically in my fifties that I learned a few good tricks of life. I still value relationships and I am still in one, but now I know that they are worthless if you don't save time for yourself and for your private dreams and projects. All relationships are apt to pass or to break up or to decrease in intensity over time, but your relationship with yourself is the only one that you will be carrying to the last day of your life. So that is where your investment pays off the highest.
Oh, I guess I have said the same thing as Rose, but with a different wording. I apologize...
so curly fry, I guess the answer is once you get to be "our age" (mine and pendulums) you won't care so much.....
but in the meantime....value yourself....
when I was younger I always was concerned with "does he like me?" "what can I do to make this relationship work", etc....
the older I get, I still ask questions, although the questions have changed. Now I ask myself....."do I like HIM?" "is this relationship worth it?", "is this a healthy relationship?"
above all, value YOURSELF.....like I said before, YOU are the only one you can count on....it took me a long time to learn that fact. As Pendulum says, the relationship with yourself is the only one you can be sure to carry with you until your last day.
The Following User Says Thank You to rosequartz For This Useful Post: curly fry (02-24-2011)
Curly, I actually agree with pendulum and a few others but i think its from what you already said that your looking for the person thats not available that attracs you. I had the same problem before i met my wife,i slept with married women which i found out after i did all of those thing that i di it because i wasnt ready for any relationship exept for there company any other activitys if you know what i mean but after i realised it i changed and found a great perfect fit for myself. Mabee this could be true in your case or mabe not but i thought my experince would help you find the answer, good luck hun.....
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The Following User Says Thank You to RANDOL For This Useful Post: curly fry (02-24-2011)
Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm usually the single friend because I too like being alone. And in part, I guess that's what's messing me up. The thought of changing for someone else and 'self sacrificing' scares me. Keeping my individuality is very important to me and I've gotten to where I am at by being self sufficient. Then this guy comes along (trust me I'm never looking. I know I suck at relationships so I try to steer clear, but it just never works out like that). And just freakin' derails me. Then I find myself nitpicking at the little things and figuratively drive myself insane with the questions: does he like me back? what if I scare him off? why am I reading into things? why didn't he get me roses for valentine's day, etc. This is only the 2nd relationship this has happened to me (I hate dating!!) and the first one I 'messed up' (yea, I can accept fault. I'm proud, but truthful) because I didn't know how to deal with these neurotic thoughts!! Be mellow like Rose!!!
I understand what everyone is saying. I seriously just am thinking about this too much. Relationships progress naturally, right? I think I'm a control freak and a bit aggressive and am used instant gratification. It's hard for me to leave it to fate. I like to make things happen for myself. When it doesn't go my way, I bail because I feel it's either yes or it's no. Gosh, they weren't kidding when they said relationships are a lot of work... I should have gone through all of this as a teenager!!! But I didn't.
My mom has a saying that translates to 'it's better to be alone then ill- accompanied'. Which is probably why I have ZERO finesse in the dating world. Oh wells. I'm done thinking about it!!!!
You guys have been very helpful!! This was better than therapy! LOL .