Join Date: Feb 2007
Almost 2 years...
Hi all. I dont know if this should be in this forum, or mental health forum or whatever so I'll just get down to it. I need to put my thoughts down so I can maybe get some sleep soon tonight. Recently it popped into my mind "wow, its comming up on 2 years. And I dont think my life has changed one bit. I have thought about her every single day of those 2 years. She's probably had thousands of new adventures and met hundreds of new people. Me, not so much. I haven't traveled anywhere, havent really met any new people (live in a small town and pretty much see the same people whereever I go) I havent even had sex. TWO YEARS. I've fooled around with a couple girls but nothing went past that. Who goes that long, esp a guy, esp when they've had opportunites.
I just broke it off with the only girl in those 2 years I even got remotely close too. I really wasn't that interested but figured I needed to give it a shot, you never know. And after so long, there was just nothing there. Although still upset, I started turning the corner last year and then suddenly went back again. Now im back to having trouble sleeping, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I have no shot to go back to sleep.
I think the reason its so difficult to get passed is why we broke up. I've had self confidence issues all my life. All the sudden, with my ex, it translated into the bedroom, and even with her full support to go talk to my doctor, I was crippled by embarrassment and eventually it killed the chemistry, and killed the relationship. It makes me sick to my stomach that I had this wonderful person, and I let sex, something all humans strive to get, kill what could have been a great life for me with a great person/family.
Its a scary thing to realize I'm approaching 29 (and i mean absolutely no offense to anyone above that age) and have gone nearly two years without so much as meeting someone I have faint interest in. All around me my friends are either married, have kids, or kids on the way. I'm the only single one of my close friends. The other night we got together to play games because we didnt have work. My friends wife always asks why I dont date anyone and always tells me how many girls like me (which i have had alot that do, but the ones that do I am not interested, been that way my whole life) I just always tell her I dunno, not up to a relationship, then she says "do you still miss ****? Awwe, She was super pretty" ...I thought I was going to break down in tears, cuz she was right. And I had no idea she even knew her enough to remember her name.
I think this downswing started about 5 months ago when I had gone months and months at NC, and her best friend who set us up, which is also a good friend of mine kept suggesting I call her. I dont know why, but she did. A week before Christmas I got a text out of the blue asking how I was....Then our mutual friend was home for Christmas. i see this girl maybe once a year so we met up to go to a game. My ex called, 1st time in 8 months I heard her voice, and suggested since I had to take our friend back to her parents, that we meet for a drink to catch up (I didnt)
A few weeks later, I get a text at 8am from my ex asking how long I think it would take her to get from her hometown to another city. That started a text convo because she was going on an interview. (which i thought was weird becuase she cuold have easily checked mapquest or something)
But anyway I'm getting off course. I'm sorry. Just with my friends wifes comments this weekend, and today is actually my ex's birthday, I had to write some thoughts down. My general point is I feel as if I've wasted the last 2 years of my life, and my 20's are going down the drain becuase I am not happy. I've tried, i work out all the time, I tried to be more outggoing, more confident. But it only takes you so far when you still come home alone every night and it are bored to tears watching everyone you know moving on with the next phases of their lives and I'm stuck in park...for 2 years. That makes the 'what ifs' that much more impossible to stop. I could be engaged by now, I could have moved to the bigger city with her, had more friends, enjoyed these last 2 years 1000X more than I did, but I didnt becuase of really really avoidable things. Its just been impossible to get away from this, missing her, when nothing enjoyable has come along all this time. Two years. I NEVER thought I'd still be in this same place after 2 years. I dont know what to do.