My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. He had cheated on me in several ways early in the relationship and admitted to it eventually. It was rough but we worked through it and he gained my trust back. He is younger than me and less experienced, in fact he has hardly any experience in relationships. He doesn't know how to love someone it seems, although he says he loves and cares about me.
Things were okay for a while and eventually he started to get insecure. he would get angry at me and accuse ME of cheating. I showed him nothing but loyalty and love and ALWAYS reassured him I was not doing anything. He also got insecure because YEARS ago in college I had hooked up with a few guys that didn't turn out to be boyfriends. He always got mad at me for having more 'hookups' than he has had. even though i tell him i love him and those are all in the past. it seems like he wants to even the score for some reason. he has an ego problem.
He went away for a trip to another country for 2 weeks in January and met a girl on the trip. They had sex, not sure how much. And they continued this affair back home. As recent as this past weekend. And then he had sex with me a few days later.
In the meantime he was acting strange around me for weeks. Ignoring my calls. Making me go crazy. He told me he just needed some breathing room because we hungout too much. I understood that and tried hard. Several times I did not call him for days. His weirdness was driving me crazy because it was the same weirdness of the last time he cheated. I almost knew. I was with him one night and a text popped up on his phone from a girl (the one he met on the trip). It was the kind of text people send when they want to meet up late at night. He told me to ignore it and he wasn't going to reply and that he was with me. I was believing him but then i found a hair clip under his bed. he said he didn't know who it belonged to but sometimes friends came over. Eventually it came to a point where he had to confess because he saw i was going CRAZY. he told me. and then he started to act weird any time i wanted to talk about it. I had to go crazy and come over to his house to get him to talk to me about it on the phone he kept on avoiding the topic or changing the subject.
So we finally talked a lot and he seemed like he didn't know what he wanted. he wanted me of course. but he didn't want to kick her to the curb.
Eventually after hours of talking in bed and holding me he tells me he will be with me, but I have to give him space. I said i could give him space if he does not cheat on me. I asked him to tell the other girl that he could no longer be friends with her, isn't that reasonable? He won't do it for some reason. I asked him to promise me he would not be with her again and he would ignore texts and calls from her, he said he would.
But still I am not really satisfied with that, I get worried that he will cave in if she calls him. Why won't he just tell her goodbye? He wants to keep her friendship it seems. And it is driving me nuts.
Everyone tells me to leave him, but I do not want to. Please understand I really love him despite the fact that he has hurt me a lot. I can't explain it
And I'm afraid to tell him more about this for fear of making him upset. I'm supposed to be giving him 'space' and not calling him like a crazy woman.
Have you ever heard that saying "love isn't enough?" This is why they say it. You can love him all you want, but if he doesn't love you back in a way that is healthy and mutually beneficial, then it doesn't matter how much you love him, and that's just the cold hard awful truth of it. You can't love him into loving you. Just because you love someone doesn't automatically obligate them to love you back.
He won't tell the other girl to get lost because he doesn't want to. Why should he stop hanging out with her when he can have you both so easily? He knows all he has to do is get mad, threaten to leave you, and he can get you to take whatever he wants to dish out. He likes having her around, and will probably go to bed with her again sometime soon. He's just not that into you. He may say he loves you and cares about you, but he doesn't TREAT you like he does, so who cares about all the sweet words? Men know what you want to hear for the moment, so they say the words, but it's their actions that speak louder in this kind of situation. He's making it very clear by the way he treats you that you're not that important to him. "Space" is guyspeak for "you're Miss Right Now, not Miss Right." You can either continue to drive yourself crazy chasing after someone who isn't into you, beg and plead him to love you the way you want him to until he finally gets tired of lying to you and dumps you, or you can gather your self esteem and strength and walk, and free yourself up to find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved. It's not "acting like a crazy woman" to expect the man you love to want to be with you, to be honest, attentive, loving and respectful to you. Love only makes you crazy when it's one-sided. The choice is totally up to you.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-25-2011 at 02:24 PM.
he's not going to change, why should he, he doesn't have to
you've taught him that there are no consequenses to his actions.....
you've also taught him that it's ok to treat you like a doormat.
why would you allow someone to treat you like that?
if you don't respect yourself, you can't expect anyone else to respect you.
that is the person he is...a cheater. he won't change. you have shown him its ok so he thinks you'll always be there. if you stay with him expect to get your heart broken over and over again plus expect your health to be at risk. i hope you protect yourself when you 2 have sex as he could infect you with anything. i hope you dont put up with this anymore. what he is doing to you is absolutely disgusting. you mean little to him thats why he keeps cheating. sorry not trying to upset you but people come on here looking for advice/opinions etc...this relationship won't ever work. you'll get your heart broken time and time again, you won't be able to trust him, he won't learn anything (like can't treat people like this). you have made it so easy for him. you dont need him. you deserve better.
What is there to love about this guy? Having no experience in relationships is no excuse at all for his behaviour. He's a liar and a cheat. This is who he is, and who he always will be with you, you're willing to let him walk all over you just so you can keep hold of him.
You know why he won't stop being friends with the other girl, and do you really believe that he will ignore texts and calls from her? He'll just hide them from you.
If you're still unwilling to walk away from this unhealthy relationship, at the very least get yourself tested regularly for std's as you don't know what he might have picked up.
Seeing that you're not inclined to throw this bad fish back into the sea and catch one that's worthy of your love and respect, you're just going to have to deal with this, right?
In two years, he's cheated on your twice ... at least that you know about. So health should come first. Always have him wear a condom, never perform oral sex with him and get yourself tested for STDs a couple times a year.
Get yourself a few boy toys. Obviously a monogomous, healthy, long-term relationship is out with this guy, and real men will want nothing to do with you as long as you're hung up over this guy. So you're passing up eligible good guys while you're trying to figure out why Mr. Cheater is having sex with strangers while he's out of the country. Might as well join the dark side and have yourself some fun, too! If you were born in '84, these are the funnest years of your youth. Why waste them with only one man who certainly doesn't think enough of you to remain faithful. There must be young men in your area just looking for a romp in the hay.
Nice future, eh? What's the alternative? Making yourself "crazy" because he cheats on you. Wow. Just wow.
I'm married thankfully to a good guy, but if I were single, I'd have to say thank you. Thank you and others like you for putting up with these garbage men and keeping them in your lives and continuing to enable and reward their disgusting behaviors. How many women won't be hurt and actually find their Mr. Right because you are not kicking this loser to the curb, only to do this to another woman?
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's a tough love way of saying: Get rid of this guy. You are worth more. The man you were meant for could be passing you by while you are wasting your time with Mr. Cheater. Don't waste another minute your time with this.
The problem now has become that you have taken him back after repeated instances of cheating on you. He has now learned that it's totally fine if he sleeps with other girls because you'll always be there, no matter what. No matter if it rips your heart out every time you find out about it, he doesn't care. The fact that he doesn't care about your feelings and keeps doing it over and over again means that he doesn't love you. I'm sorry but unless you leave him, your life with him will always be like this, with other women in the picture all the time. I agree with the others that you should be fully tested for STD's because at this point, who knows what kind of diseases he may be carrying or passed on to you. Take care of your health because you are the only one who will. He doesn't care if he makes you sick or hurts you in any way, he just wants to go out and have his fun.
I understand your feeling but as what they say sometimes love is not enough. the way i see it he will just keep on cheating you because he knows that no matter what pain he will caused you, you still there becuase he knows how much you really love him. i can say he is emotionally abusive. don't allow it.