Sorry- this is long. it's 4 years pretty much sumed up.
My boyfriend of nearly 4 years just recently broke up with me. It's a bit devestating. We were together for 3 years, then he moved out and I later learned he was addicted to cocaine, suffered from alcoholism (thought that was possible while dating) and was cheating. He spent 5 months away from me. We both "moved on" and dated others, but then he tried coming back. After months of pursuing me I gave in, as he made the annoucement he'd go to rehab and strive to be healthier.
Things were so much better. He was clean and sober and we could again talk like human beings to each other. Without the tension, and anger. He took responsibility for things that he did in the past, and I tried to be understanding. I also acknowledged some passive agrressive tendancies I had when we lived together. Then on our very first day of couples therapy, he told me he wasn't depressed, that he actually is bipolar and he just found out. I think this was hard news for him to digest, but he had only told me moments before we stepped into our appointment.
After our hour, and what I consider a great session, he sat with me in my car and was totally explosive towards me, and said hurtful cruel things. Truthful feelings perhaps, but everything was said to be hurtful, and he was so cold. I later learned this was mania-
The next day he called to apologize, but only got more mad at me when he felt like I didn't understand, because I said some of the things he said were very hurtful. For the next two weeks I researched and learned everything I could about his illness. I just knew that he came back to me, and I knew what we have...err, had and I wanted to stand by him to be a support to him no matter what. Well, during this time, he became very distant. He didn't share any progress, or feelings, or thoughts. He spent a lot, too much actually with a female from his group who suffered from depression. I mentioned to him that I didn't think it was appropriate to spend alone time with her, as he had me, and she had her boyfriend, and they should be getting support outside the group- but I was told it was fine. Later I found out he and she developed feelings for eachother. Thankfully she acknowledged her feelings were false and developed from the hardships she was facing, and he was there when she needed somone- she stayed with her boyfriend.
Since the night he told me, I told him that it was good nothing further happened then them discussing their feelings and I understand bipolar enough to know his meds are off, he's still in mania, and he's confused, but he should have told me before, when I asked, when he first knew.
After that I think we broke up, but to be honest, we didn't even talk about it. After almost 4 years we're not speaking and he's told me he's very happy now. He's sees everything very clearly. This is his path, and he wants to live his life. It's as if he didn't have any other feelings other than this. He brought up our pasts and essentially blamed me for treating him poorly, neglecting any responsibility. I am so unsure if this is him, or bipolar. Is this normal behavoir?
I know I have to walk away because this roller coaster is very hurtful. He has also expressed this is what he wants. He can have all the space he needs. I do not want to interrupt his recovery. I also do not want to fight for someone who doesn't see the big picture for us. Am I awful for giving up? I'm so hurt, an he's delighted with his new choices. After 4 years he didn't even show me the respect to discuss what he's feeling or what happened, he's just gone.
Anyone been through this before?
The following user gives a hug of support to move11:
if he's not willing to get help, you can't fix him.....staying with him will only destroy you. my ex was unmedicated and in denial.....
when that's the case, the relationship doesn't stand a chance.
be strong enough to move on. don't be co-dependent and meet his needs to the exclusion of your own....that isn't healthy either.
So, he is on meds. He was on the wrong meds for the first 3 weeks (they thought he was just depressed, so they treated him with depression meds) when everything took a downhill plummet, but since his doctors have treated him with lithium. I don't know if he's taking his meds on a regular, or as per-scribed- but I know he's taking them. He also has his own personal therapist, as well as an outpatient group therapy down to 3 nights a week.
He is a recovering addict and sometimes I think that he is taking his meds incorrectly to get the high they can give. He also never sleeps and just last night I got a text from him at 1:45 in the morning, which from what he told me about his recovery seems like he's not doing well.
I've chalked it up to this is just about us. Now that he sees things "clearly" I'm just not what he wants in his life. It was a long lived roller coaster ride, not in comparison to yours I'm sure, but still a lot of time just gone. It's painful because the person I knew is lost. This new person, this "healthy" person doesn't seem healthy. He seems scary. He makes wild decisions and can be very hurtful, and disregards anyone's feelings but his own.
I hope that I can carry some kind of optimism about love and relationships away from this. This pain now is just so unreal.
I think that you should wipe that counter clean and start over, don't let him back in, sometimes we meet posionous people and we are posioned and do stupit things we don't understand because we are messed up from them, love is supposed to be a happy thing, not a depressing, crazy, angry mess, good luck you deserve better, love yourself!
well therapy and meds is a good thing....he's trying to address the problem.
he very well may end up being a different person than you knew, and i've heard that's part of what happens when someone works on fixing themselves.....i've heard it's not a good time for them to be in a relationship because they have to be selfish to work on themselves. maybe that's part of why he ended your relationship, because he knew it's not fair to you and it's not healthy, things being what they are. You will survive, I did......
it's amazing when you move on and find that not everyone acts like that....
I wish you all the best.
Thank you again for your encouraging words. It's just so hard to let go- it's just like he's gone, or dead. The person I know doesn't exist anymore, you're right. He did more or less express some of the same thoughts you had, just not as delicately.
I'm doing my best right now- hoping that I can begin the process of really letting go.
Well, here's an update. I feel like my life has turned into a soap opera. Needless to say the events I'm about to tell you have at least helped me acknowledge I should run away now while I can.
I believe he's just a sick sociopath.
On Valentine's Day, as I may have mentioned he loved me, cared for our relationship. Two days later he took a female from his support group out of town for a party. Told me the next day he was confused but didn't want to break up, that he's just impulsive. I ended it then. She decided wanted to stay with her boyfriend.
Then by Friday, he was crying to me saying he wanted to kill himself and was wearing makeup and seemed very unwell.
By Sunday, he was dating a 21 year old (he's 27) he had also met in group. He all of sudden was happier, and seeing things clearly. This girl is also friends with the other one he liked!? Red flags ladies, come on!?
So now I find all of this out. In the meantime he had been talking to me. Telling me all he knows is he loves me, but doesn't know what that means anymore, and that he feels like he's in a dream. That when he's out of the dream his heart breaks, and he cries, but he can't remember the last 4 years.
When I found out about the new girlfriend, I told him I was dead to him and never again speak to me. He responded with anger, then the you're wonderful, and I'm sorry I hurt you, it was never my intention garbage.
He hadn't even been single 3 days before dating this girl. He had even thought in the middle of those 3 days he liked someone else?
I am sick that the last 4 years of my life amounted to this. I am embarassed of how he portrayed our realtionship. Of course my ego is bruised, but it's so much more than that. I just have been so disrespected. I want so badly for him to hurt this much. I want karma to kick his ***.
sometimes we need to go back for just one more kick to make it clear to us.....I've done it more times than I can count.....
you're strong enough to move on and realize that this isn't right, it isn't healthy and you don't want to live like that.
please stop all contact, there is no point to it.....
you need to move forward
I wish you all the best!
The Following User Says Thank You to rosequartz For This Useful Post:
This is definitely now toxic enough for me to realize that he was only dragging me down and into his drama. He thinks he's happy, and healthy with all these new decisions- and that's his outlook. I can't change that- maybe he is- who knows.
I would agree that yes, he's gone way off the deep end- he may never come back to reality.