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Old 02-25-2011, 02:57 PM   #1
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Two Friends Divorcing

Ok..this is a doozy. I grew up with Mike and Maria (siblings). We are in our 30s now. Katie was friends with Maria but ended up marrying Mike. They are now getting divorced. It's unfortunate but they are...but haven't filed. I've known Katie for years through Mike and Maria and she would come out with "the girls." I'm trying to remain neutral. Trying to be friends with both. Katie has had some health issues and I feel I've always extended myself to show concern. She has found that Mike has been on dating websites, etc. He has also had gastric bypass. Katie was pretty much snooping to see what she can find. I tried in a nice way to tell her that she can't snoop and look through his phone. That regardless of if what he is doing is right or wrong, he's made his decision to move forward. He is apparently dating someone.

Katie then went on the same site and is now dating someone. Here's the kicker. We are going to see the band (that I mentioned in my other post) tonight. She texts me the other day that she is bringing this new guy, who she's gone on 2 dates with. I find this 100% inappropriate. If she wants to date someone and play tit for tat with Mike, that is her business. But I feel soooooooo awkward and can't believe she doesn't see that. Mike doesn't know she is seeing someone like she knows he's on sites. I feel like I'm helping her play games by meeting this guy. I feel that knowing I'm still friends with Mike and Maria, that she should've asked me how I felt. If her and Mike were officially divorced, awkward yes but unavoidable. I feel like she's putting me in a very awkward situation but part of me feels she's doing it on purpose. I think she wants it to get back to Mike.

I get she wants to prove to herself that she can move on with life but this isn't the way to do it. She texted me today that she is excited to go out. I said I was looking forward to it but felt awkward meeting her friend. SHE WENT OFF!!!! I pretty much told her that I get she wants to move on but that she's putting me in a position to meet this guy when she's keeping it a secret. That she's still married and never asked how friends felt meeting this guy. She responded it just happened (soooo not the case). Told me I was making it awkward. "EVERYONE knows that Mike is dating someone! Where do you get off making this about yourself. It's my business, no one else's." I responded that she was out of line. That I've done nothing but be there for her. But it is partly my business when I'm put in an awkward position without being considered I know Mike. She went on and on about why she has to consider my feelings. My thing is she is hiding it and I feel part of it. She acted like a 5 year old by asking if she should post it online. "You know what J? What I do with my life is my business. If you have a problem, then stay home." I said I was not staying home. That I've never done anything to hurt her. She can do what she wants but I don't want to be a part of her secret. Then I got text messages with her apologizing.

I think I'm starting to see her in a different light. Of course the friends we're going out I met through her. My therapist told me to keep my distance from her and I'm seeing why. Was I wrong in my position?

 
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Old 02-25-2011, 06:19 PM   #2
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Re: Two Friends Divorcing

I understand your position. I run into this all the time where I think a friend is acting inappropriate and don't know how to handle it.
Do you think that maybe it's not so much she's playing tit for tat; that she is just trying to cope with her own hurt over the situation, and not doing it the right way?
I guess it depends on how much you care to have her in your life, but maybe you could serve as the voice of reason and offer her some more practical suggestions to deal with her own hurt? Just my thoughts...

 
Old 02-26-2011, 01:51 AM   #3
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Re: Two Friends Divorcing

My take on this is:

it is up to you if you want to keep your distance from her, if it feels uncomfortable for you to be around her and her new bf, but I don't think it's appropriate for you to tell her what to do, unless she had asked you for advice. She's probably messing up, I know, and you are probably concerned that it might spill on you (because of Mike), but on the other hand divorce is a very stressful event and it's hard for anyone going through it to think clearly and accept "wise" advise.

Try to look at the whole situation with more compassion rather than criticism.

 
Old 02-26-2011, 05:16 AM   #4
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Re: Two Friends Divorcing

Thank you for the responses. I wasn't criticizing her. I was just telling her that at this time I felt uncomfortable. I know 100% that she is dealing with her own hurt. I get that people do things they think are helping but are not. I just felt weird being apart of it, knowing Mike. As I said I'm trying to be adult and remain friends with both. I don't tell the other anything about the other. Not my business. I just didn't want to seem part of her secret. They've had some circumstances out of their control, that pretty much doomed their marriage and they couldn't come back from it. Out of the group of girls, I'm the only one that's really extended to Katie. She is trying to rebuild and I get that 100%. I want to be friends but I think she wants to be best friends....in the sense to pull me on her side. I've been very careful up to this point. I'm trying to do the right thing by both. My intentions weren't to tell her what to do but just that I don't want it to look like I know what she's doing, without him knowing. There is no right answer I guess.

 
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