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Old 02-26-2011, 08:14 AM   #1
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Red face New Relationship: He REALLY wants kids, I have ONE & may not be able to have more

So, I am in a new relationship. I know it can be scary to jump into serious topics right away with someone - but the man shared his deep thoughts with me first. He is 34, I am 28 - he said he really wants to have kids and it seems he wants them asap. I have a six year old son who is my world and priority. When I became pregnant, my son's father pinned me down and forced himself upon me (after things were initially consensual). He hurt me, I told him three times to get off of me and to stop but he would not until he was done. I was pregnant from that one time. That man is an other country and is very poor and I do not speak to him and have absolutely no contact. I feel immense guilt and sadness over that for the fact my son does not have a father. But I am not the type to seek out a man to fill that void - but I am open to dating finally after a rough breakup/relationship 4 years ago.

So, onto the new man in my life. We seem to have a lot in common - SO much and I just have a feeling about him that I have not had before. I just think we would fit really well together. Yet at the same time I do have fear of commitment and have been lied to, cheated on and hurt many times - and ALONE almost my whole life. Chronically single.

On top of this (sorry for the long story) I was diagnosed with CIN III preinvasive cervical cancer a few years ago. It was so bad they did a LEEP (minor surgery to remove the cells) and cut out twice as much with that one procedure to be sure it was all gone. It has come back a couple of times since then and is always in the back of my mind. I have immensely painful periods. The day before it starts I wake in the night to the most excruciating pain - it feels as though I am in labor - in a contraction that does not stop. I am usually on the floor unable to stand up - ready to call an ambulance a few times. The hospital gave me Tylenol with codeine for those times -but I try not to take it unless I am dying in pain.

So, I decided with myself that the next time I get a PAP (in a few weeks) if the CIN III is back I am through with the worrying and idea that I have cancer or could have it and it could spread. I am ready to have a hysterectomy. All the women in my family have had the same issues. I also had endometriosis before - which may be the cause of all the pain again.

I honestly 100% LOVE kids but do not want any more. The other part of this scenario is that I do NOT want to have another kid for another reason. If I were to marry this guy lets say just as an example, and he is my son's step dad. If we were to have our "own baby" I do not want my son to feel that he is not the "REAL" son - that he still does not have a real dad, etc. but the other child does. That thought alone brings up a lot of emotions in me because I feel for my child so deeply.

Lastly, the man I am seeing now - one thing we haven't spoken about in depth yet is that he does not know his biological father either. I think that he, more than anyone else can relate to my son. I just wish he would be happy with being a father without needing his "own" dna in the child.

So, there is so much I am carrying around and feeling and told the man - as much as I care about him - I am almost sure I cannot have kids and if that is something he desperately wants then he deserves to have it and should end it with me. I fear the more I know him the more I care for him. Is it better to end it now? I really don't want to. I also don't want him to resent me if we are together and he is crushed for not having his "own" kids. I personally don't feel having your own dna in a kid makes a difference and I would adopt a child in a heartbeat if I could and the situation is right.

I don't know what kind of advice I am seeking - but if anyone on here has any wisdom, advice or anything at all I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much for reading this lengthy post...

 
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Old 02-26-2011, 08:53 AM   #2
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Re: New Relationship: He REALLY wants kids, I have ONE & may not be able to have more

This is a really complex situation.

The other day I was reading in a woman's magazine an article about "fathers" who found out that the child they were parenting was not really theirs. In all cases, their wifes had had an affair with another man. In most cases, these men would reject the child, no matter how painful this could be, because of the bonds thay had created, and would leave the marriage.

Of course, your case is quite different, because your boyfriend knows beforehand that this child is not his own.

But the point seems to be that most men really value dna (in the past, they would say blood) in an offspring, which may be not the case for most women. I am just guessing here.

You may even talk him into accepting your boy as his own son and have your son accept him as a father (you don't mention how good their relationship is), but his desire to father a child may remain latent and years later he may suddenly resent his decision. I don't know. It is hard to say what may happen, but to me the odds are against a happy end here.

Also, the fact that even if you had a child with this man makes you feel unsure about how the other boy would react makes things even more complicate.

It seems to me that whatever decision you make, there will only be losses - for everyone. So, in that case, it may be better to separate. Unless your boyfriend comes up to you, of his own, and says from his heart: "I love you and I want to stay with you and your child, and I will make you my family, no matter what." This could be a genuine attempt for all of you to be happy, whether the relationship is long or short-lived.

As for your health problem, I wish you had the means and faith to look at it with the help with serious alternative medicine. I have read about difficult cases that have been healed without surgery.

Last edited by pendulum; 02-26-2011 at 08:54 AM.

 
Old 02-26-2011, 09:43 AM   #3
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Re: New Relationship: He REALLY wants kids, I have ONE & may not be able to have more

put yourself first....if you dont want anymore then dont have anymore. You are the one who will be pregnant not him, its all well and good when men decide they want a child but they arnt the ones who have to endure the pregnancy/birth etc all they have to do is enjoy a night of passion then the rest is all down to the woman. He should respect your wishes of not wanting another child anyway........be prepared that he might walk away but if he only wants you as a baby machine do you really want him?

 
Old 02-26-2011, 12:28 PM   #4
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Re: New Relationship: He REALLY wants kids, I have ONE & may not be able to have more

I really appreciate BOTH of your responses - thank you both. Thanks you two for the words of wisdom. It is definitely complicated. About my son's father - he has no involvement with him at all. I think if my current boyfriend would be happy to have us as a family and that would fulfill his need to be a father (I am assuming this is because he did not have one at all either) then it would be ideal. When I mentioned this to him yesterday - and about the fact that I most likely cannot or will not have any more children - it was very difficult for me to say this but I told him then he should probably end it with me as it is not fair to anyone. He just looked at me. I asked him if he really wanted to have his "own" kid - emphasizing "own" and he said yes very seriously. So I guess I am confused now as to what he currently wants. We are getting together today and I honestly don't want to get to know him more and care for him deeper because it will be harder to walk away later. I really don't want to end it now as it pretty new to us - our relationship. But maybe I should. He sure is putting a lot of pressure on me to reproduce. I agree with MarinaDiamonds - that men do not understand what it takes to raise a child and give birth, etc. unless they are single dads and sole care givers. He has NO idea that I went from being broke to building up a successful business over the last 7 years and if I were to have a child I'd lose it all as I'd not have the time for it - and for two kids. I'd go from being self sufficient to a housewife fully dependent on the husband to provide. It is just too much right now for me. Thank you guys again - so much - I just needed a place to vent and ask for some wisdom. I'll post an update when I have one if anyone is curious here.

 
Old 02-26-2011, 12:50 PM   #5
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Re: New Relationship: He REALLY wants kids, I have ONE & may not be able to have more

When a relationship is dependent on someone "changing" (their mind about something really important, their behaviors, their morals or beliefs), then it's not the right relationship.

In order for this to work, you'd have to not only change your mind about having children, you'd have to possibly put your health at risk, and then you'd have to spend at least the next 18 years raising that child. OR, he'd have to change his mind about having biological children and accept your son as his own and be satisfied with that.

Unfortunately, I don't see how this could possibly work. It's not like you just have to decide where to live (his place or yours) or something similar that can be compromised on. There is no compromise here. One of you would have to change your mind on a seriously major issue. And unfortunately, despite your feelings for him, you need to do what is best for the both of you. Sometimes we have to give up something we really want when it's just not right for us.

 
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Old 02-26-2011, 02:03 PM   #6
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Re: New Relationship: He REALLY wants kids, I have ONE & may not be able to have more

Thank you Cadence - pretty perfect reply. The truth hurts - but I'd rather have that pain now rather than later. Thank you.

 
Old 02-27-2011, 12:29 AM   #7
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Re: New Relationship: He REALLY wants kids, I have ONE & may not be able to have more

Quote:
Originally Posted by GenPine View Post
... I agree with MarinaDiamonds - that men do not understand what it takes to raise a child and give birth, etc. unless they are single dads and sole care givers. ...
I am not a single dad and nevertheless I understand what it takes to bring a child into this world. Not all men fit this description. I beg your pardon.

Indeed, in the past, women usually had eight, nine kids, even more, and seldom, almost never, would you hear from any of them how hard and painful raising a child was. Of course, pregnancy and birthing always had their risks and dangers, as much as bringing up a child (many of them actually and at the same time) could be stressful, but women perceived these as natural processes in life, and there was hardly any complaint about these, any avoidance of these. Unfortunately, modern life (with women working outside the home etc) has turned parenting (from conception, through pregnancy and birth, to nursing and rearing) into a monster, sometimes even into something that women are not prepared to (as if they lacked the necessary apparatus) or don't "deserve".

Last edited by pendulum; 02-27-2011 at 04:46 AM.

 
Old 02-27-2011, 09:18 AM   #8
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Re: New Relationship: He REALLY wants kids, I have ONE & may not be able to have more

That was in the past. And I don't see where anyone said it was "hard and painful" to raise children, only that since a man has never given birth they can't know how it feels to do so.

I don't want to turn this into a sociological debate, but Gen made it very clear in her post that it wasn't her absolute opposition but health issues that were the main thing preventing her from having more children. I too would have loved to have had more than the two I have but I too have health issues that make having more children potentially life-threatening...not because I perceive raising children as a "monster". I feel for her and the choice she is having to make (between reality and her love for this man).

Last edited by CadenceA; 02-27-2011 at 09:19 AM.

 
Old 02-27-2011, 10:46 AM   #9
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Re: New Relationship: He REALLY wants kids, I have ONE & may not be able to have more

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
That was in the past. And I don't see where anyone said it was "hard and painful" to raise children, only that since a man has never given birth they can't know how it feels to do so.

I don't want to turn this into a sociological debate, but Gen made it very clear in her post that it wasn't her absolute opposition but health issues that were the main thing preventing her from having more children. I too would have loved to have had more than the two I have but I too have health issues that make having more children potentially life-threatening...not because I perceive raising children as a "monster". I feel for her and the choice she is having to make (between reality and her love for this man).
Sorry, maybe I have used too strong words, that is, monster.

Now "hard and painful" or at least "costly" is a term you hear from adult people all the time when they talk about raising children.

She has health problems, but also concerns about her only child. Read her post again, please.

I know I was referring to the past. I was not saying that the past was like a paradise, but it is indisputable that children were easier to bring into the world (if not more welcome) than they are now.

 
Old 02-27-2011, 11:45 AM   #10
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Re: New Relationship: He REALLY wants kids, I have ONE & may not be able to have more

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
Sorry, maybe I have used too strong words, that is, monster.

Now "hard and painful" or at least "costly" is a term you hear from adult people all the time when they talk about raising children.

She has health problems, but also concerns about her only child. Read her post again, please.

I know I was referring to the past. I was not saying that the past was like a paradise, but it is indisputable that children were easier to bring into the world (if not more welcome) than they are now.
I prefer to address Gen, Pendulum, so I don't really need to be instructed by you to reread the post, but thanks. I did see that but to just dismiss her health issues would be wrong IMO.

 
Old 02-27-2011, 07:46 PM   #11
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Re: New Relationship: He REALLY wants kids, I have ONE & may not be able to have more

you sound like a very lovely lady and a great mother. you have been through alot and i think you should go along with what your heart is telling you, that you dont want anymore children. i agree with what another post said , it would be you who would be carrying baby, labour etc and if you have no desire for it then dont do it. we have to have happiness ourselves and if another baby wouldnt make you truly happy then maybe you should keep to your decision.

i have no opinion on wether you should walk away from the relationship as that depends on only you 2. you both need to talk , come to some agreement /compromise or whatever but something that is right for you both. but dont be pressured into something you dont want. its not fair for any person to put pressure on you, not saying he does. just saying in general.

Last edited by cryingforever; 02-27-2011 at 07:48 PM.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 05:53 AM   #12
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Re: New Relationship: He REALLY wants kids, I have ONE & may not be able to have more

Unfortunately when it comes to having children and the couple are at odds there is no compromise. You either have them or not, there is no middle ground.

If you want to try and make this relationship work you have to make him understand perfectly clear that you do not want any more children and you won't be changing your mind. Don't give him false hope that one day you might change your mind.

Are you just considering a hysterectomy at this stage, or actually going ahead? He will surely know that once that happens there will be no chance.

Talk to him, put all your cards on the table and don't let him think that he can one day talk you around, that will only lead to heartache in the future. Then it's up to him whether or not he would rather walk away and find someone else to have a child with.

 
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