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Old 02-26-2011, 10:39 AM   #1
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I'm confused - hang in there or walk away

Hi all,

Just i need some adive. I really will try to keep this as short as i can!!

In novemeber i meet a guy on the internet, on a dating site. We mailed for a week or so until we exchanged numbers. We then txted for about 3 weeks. We where due to meet up in between this but I got a tummy bug and had to postpone.

So we meet up first week in december and had a brilliant night out. He was sooo hot, very nice guy, gentlemen. ticked all the boxes. We did kiss that night but that was it. Next day we txted about how good a night it was, how we liked each other in person and how we wanted to see each other again.

For the next 3 weeks we meet up once a week and went out on dates. He paid mostly. Again brilliant nights out, getting more comfortable with each other and still only kissing but hand holding now.

We where always in contact everyday and to this day have no gone one day without contact. He was sweet in his txts saying how he wanted to see me and was making plans.

So x mass time comes and i spend from boxing day(mon) till the sunday at his place. this included nye. It was a great week where we just chilled out or went out. He was very affectionate, caring, attentive and overall i really coudn't fault him in any way. We had sex for the first time that week. Previous to this he never tried or asked or anything like that. So i felt very comfortable and he asked me throughout if i was ok. Part of this week was nye. I might add that that night and 2 days after i 1) was in my period and 2) had a coldsore. that means no sex and no kissing. he still wanted me over and we still had fun as in great company. NYE was amazing. It was just me and him at him place. playing music, watching tv. at midnight he took out a bottle of champagne and at 12 we stood on his balcony, him cuddled into me. Was perfect.

However this is where things start to go funny. I noticed after this that he just went different. His txting habits changed. He's initate contact, which he does 90% of the time, but then just stop reply mid convo. When he does this i refuse to txt him again. I would feel like i'm desperately running after him. so i leave it and i wait for him to initatie again. which 9 time out of 10 he does. also he went from txting me pretty early on to now i'm going the whole entire day before i hear from him. don't get me wrong ireally really don't need to hear from him all the time nor do i need to hear from him first thing. I'm fine with going the day. What bugs me is the complete change in habit. It makes me question him and what he's now feeling.

So during the month of jan we went 3 weeks without seeing each other. However he contacted me everday. I believe if a guy likes you he'll make it known and show you hence why i didn't ask him to meet. I needed and wanted to feel like he wanted to see me instead of me asking him constanly.
During this time however i got a little drunk and did some txting. I told him that i liked him, which was obvious but that i wasn't into games which is what he'd been doing the last few weeks. either he liked me and wanted to hang out or he didn't either way i just wanted to know. He replied telling me that he wouldn't talk to me while i was drunk and that he wasn't looking for a relationship and to take form that what i wanted.

Next day i felt more relaxed than i had in a while. I knew where i stood and to be honest i felt like i wasn't gonna hear from him again. He had different views. TO my shock he txted and asked me what was on my mind. I told him i felt embarressed. he said that he was happy to continue as it. I said well what is this t hough. He said to continue seeing each other but wasn't ready for a ful on relationship right now with me or anyone. so i kinda backtracked a bit and told him that i wasn't asking him to be my bf but that while i was seeing him adnd having sex with him i wasn't willing to share him. He agreed so from this is came that we'd continue seeing each other and no one else.

From that time things have been up and down. I've seen him every weekend since. Both my suggestions and his. Again the txting is initated most times by him but then he either stops replying or he will reply after like 1-2 hours with something completely different.

When we do meet up, its amazing. he might as well be my bf. HE acts like it. We kiss, we cuddle, i stay over, i fall asleep in his arms. If we're out he'll hold my hand everywhere. He's publicly show that he's with me. We go to the cinema and cuddle up. He mainly pays.

Valentines was a major turning point in my mind. I really really didn't think much of it. 1) we werne't together 2) hes not mushy (hates words like hun yet calls me baby once and again) and 3) neither of us had mentioned it. So when on the friday he asked to meet on the sat i really didn't think it was anything to do with just meeting as usual. He told me not to have dinner, i didn't join the dots. I turned up at him place and he had gone ALL OUT. card, flowers, teddy, chocolates and a present. Spent alot of money and apparently had been planing it since the previous week. I was mortified mainly cos i really wasn't expecting it and second i had him nothing. so i tried to blow it off with me not realsing what weekend it was. think i got away with him!!!! we then went out to dinner and when we sat down there was a bottle of chamgpange on the table already. so he planned that. We had a brilliant night. so relaxed and comfotable. He really went all out to impress. Next night i took him out.

Last weekend we where out and he went very very funny on my. very quite, coudn't get a word from him He acted quite rude and an idoit. He apoligised the following say as his sister is in hospital, he's worried and took it out on me. I understoood and acccepted his apology. So this week i've heard from him but the last 2 days have just felt strange. We where txting yesterday i replied and as usual he didn't reply. that was at 6. Its now gone 6 today and i've herad nothing from him and i txt him at 11 last night. I refuse tot xt him or to run after him.


So i'm really really confused. he so so hot and cold. My friends say that he defo likes me. That his actions say that and how he acts when i'm with him. He contacts me everyday so then whyh do i feel so crap. If someone likes you they'd wanna talk to you right, say hi, know how you are. So why ami sitting here hearing nothing from him and he's made NO plans to see me. I know he's at home, hes on his facebook. I come home from college in 4 weeks for the summer. i'm currenly away 2 nights a week and have tried arranging something mid week when i get back.

I'm not sure should i have it out with him or wait till 4 weeks. my friends think he sounds like he may be coming around but his behaviour now the last 2 days is strange. i can't help feeling like today may be the first day since mid nov that i won't have contact. blah.

Thanks to ANYONE who's read all this. i nearly feel better just getting it out
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Last edited by emma j; 02-26-2011 at 10:40 AM.

 
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Old 02-26-2011, 11:03 AM   #2
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Re: I'm confused - hang in there or walk away

Apparently you want a more stable relationship, whereas he seems to be reluctant to take it more seriously. If you can't find common ground here, it is going to fall apart. That is for sure. Since you are both young and you are still a student, I tend to think that your primary goal should be having fun like friends (being on the safe side, that goes without saying). It is maybe too early to take vows and to talk about marriage. If you think otherwise, then move on and find someone more mature and commited.

 
Old 02-26-2011, 11:07 AM   #3
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Re: I'm confused - hang in there or walk away

Hi, and thanks so much for your reply.

Yes i want something more stable. this hot and cold and i like you then i wont txt you just isn't sitting with me well. I'm also not asking for vows or marrage or children or anything like that. Just something a bit more concrete and stable after 3 months or dating.

I'm also 27 and he's 25 so not young young. I think in reaitly i'll have to ask after 3 months where is this going. heck i'm ok with not even something really serious just to know its going somewhere.


He ticks all the boxes otherwise, i would have walked away by now he just has something about him.
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Old 02-26-2011, 11:59 AM   #4
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Re: I'm confused - hang in there or walk away

This is how this is going to be. He flat out told you he doesn't want a relationship, so despite the Valentine's Day gifts,the cuddling, the "acting like" he's your BF...he's not. And he's made that crystal clear.

You also say you won't text him, then you say you DID text him...so you are kind of breaking your own rule. And when he doesn't respond, you feel bad, right?

I had a guy I was seeing tell me that a guy can spend time with a girl, have sex with her, do and say nice things for her, but that doesn't mean he loves her, he just enjoys the time together without wanting anything more than that. Basically, it's nice and all that but it isn't love.

You can hang around, waiting and hoping he'll change his mind, but I feel it would be a waste of time. When a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, it means he doesn't.

 
Old 02-26-2011, 12:58 PM   #5
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Re: I'm confused - hang in there or walk away

Hi Emma,

First, I would like to tell you that I enjoyed reading your post because your language is so delightful to my American ears.

I think us women do much more connecting once we have had sexual relations with a man, especially one we find physically attractive. It is part of our most ancient DNA makeup. We are designed to mate and hold onto our partner. In the modern world that we live in, those deep feelings no longer have a place in college dating life.

I agree with Pendulum on this one, maybe due to our age and experience, but until you are at the place in your life that you are ready for that lifetime bond, we have to curb ourselves a bit.

I encourage you to continue with the "brilliant" time together, if you can handle the periods of down time in between. If this is not enough to sustain your needs for a relationship, then you will surely cool it off.

You sound as if you have a good head on your shoulders, and I believe that you will make this decision on your own, very well.

I think it is much easier for men to have casual relationships than it is women...due to our job of bearing the children and raising them. It is a good thing to keep you eggs for the right man.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 08:04 PM   #6
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Re: I'm confused - hang in there or walk away

It all sounds and appears so promising and then it's kind of like a punch in the gut when you ask and he tells you he isn't ready for a relationship right now with you (or anyone else for that matter, as he's told you). I know it hurts and you're disappointed, but you must take him at his word.

One of two things could happen in this case: either things will progress in a positive direction and flourish on it's own over time or you'll find yourself in a situation where things start to go hot and cold and you'll begin to feel like you're on a roller coaster, at which point, you will have to decide if you want to continue on the roller coaster or get off.

The good news, is that he said he only wants to date you right now and no one else. So, I'd say continue dating him and see where it goes.

 
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