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Old 02-27-2011, 05:03 AM   #1
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BAD Choices

All my life I have managed to hook up with men who are bad for me (and I was in turn, not good for them) : first a man who was mentally ill (paranoid schizophrenic), then a sex addict. He was a closet transvestite who eventually ran us into the ground financially with credit cards in both of our names saddling me (at the time supporting two daughters) with half the debt at divorce thanks to the Napoleonic code. Then a man who was a recovered drug user who could never hold down a job. He eventually died from a stroke at the age of 56. Now I am with an unemployed alcoholic who will not move out of the house. It looks like I will be working to support us until I die. I realize this has been really hard on my daughters also.
Why?
A man I briefly dated (a boring, healthy guy) said he thought I was attracted to messed up men because I was afraid of being abandoned by them . Bingo! I never had a father (my mom said she was raped)-I didn't get much nurturing from her, either. Thank God my grandma was in my life a few years. My half-brother (who also has a lot of problems) sent me two books: "Women Who Love Too Much" and "Escape From Intimacy". Both of them hit home. I am not dead yet and still hope to have some kind of happiness and normalcy in my life someday but don't know where to turn. Any ideas?

 
Old 02-27-2011, 06:48 AM   #2
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Re: BAD Choices

You don't tell us how old you are and what your job is.

Anyway, it occurred to me that your search for "some kind of happiness" might include either going back to school to learn a subject you have always wanted to learn but was unable to, or to learn a trade or a craft or profession/business that has always been at the center of your heart.

Usually happiness is not like a free lunch. It takes some effort and discipline and a definite goal. If you can combine these, I don't see why you can't reach a certain level of happiness ( = love of yourself).

I know that my post will come across to you as a bit off-topic, because you were talking about love and relationships. But that is my idea. Maybe you also need to work on your real vocation to be happy. Being with the right man might not be enough.

Last edited by pendulum; 02-27-2011 at 06:49 AM.

 
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Old 02-27-2011, 08:39 AM   #3
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Re: BAD Choices

haha....I hear ya girl....for a while I was going thru the same thing.
I was married to an un-medicated bi-polar man for 10 years
after I was divorced, a few years later, I found myself in a relationship with a narcissist, then a guy with PTSD from childhood abuse, then a guy with borderline personality disorder. After that ended I just wanted to be by myself. I could see that I was going from bad to worse.....
and that was the timeframe AFTER my marriage....my partners when I was younger were just as colorful.....
I stayed alone for a few years, and really enjoyed the time to myself.
you might want to read co-dependent no more. it really helped me. I still struggle with it, but I have learned to stop meeting other peoples needs to the exclusion of my own most of the time.
take a break for a while, it sounds like you need one. get rid of this guy who is doing you no good at all.....and get back your self-respect!
you can do it!

 
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Old 02-27-2011, 09:25 AM   #4
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Re: BAD Choices

You need to lose this guy asap. You're right, this is so harmful for your daughters and they will end up in relationships just like yours because they'll know no better.

Why can't you be alone for a while? Does the thought of not having a man around scare you? How long is the longest you've been single (not in a relationship or seeing someone exclusive)?

 
Old 02-27-2011, 12:24 PM   #5
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Re: BAD Choices

Thanks for the taking the time to respond, Pendulum. I just posted this morningso I'm still unfamiliar with this site. I thought my age and occupation would be part of the post. Anyway, I am 59 and have been a professional artist for forty years, supporting myself & daughters (and various men) by teaching art full-time in the public schools here. I have been doing that for over twenty years.
You are absolutely right in suspecting that a career gives me fulfillment. Painting is what gives me more happiness than anything, except perhaps my grandsons. Unfortunately, since I still work full time and cope with an addicted housemate I have little energy and time to paint as much as I would like. The books I mentioned also reiterate the truth of your words. I think the best thing would be to force him to leave so I could focus on myself and my problems. He absolutely refuses to leave, says he has no place to go. I may have to have the police intervene. It would not be the first time.
Again, thanks for taking the time and thought to help.

 
Old 02-27-2011, 12:32 PM   #6
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Re: BAD Choices

I am sorry for having assumed that you still needed to work on your real vocation. It is clear that you found it many years ago.

Yet it seems I was not wrong to think that love & relationships is not the whole of your happiness, whatever happiness is.

I hope you will be able to get rid of this situation and find time and energy for your art again.

 
Old 02-27-2011, 12:39 PM   #7
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Re: BAD Choices

Dear Cadence,
Thanks for your supportive words. Yeah, I married ASAP mainly because I wanted a family, married again then twice latched on to the next troubled guy I could find shortly after. I spent three years alone after my partner before this one died. I am ready to be alone again big time. And I don't trust myself to ever be in a relationship again. I just don't know how to pick 'em. Luckily, my oldest daughter has been happily married for a man she's been with nineteen years. My youngest is afraid to marry (after seeing me, who could blame her? Anyway, I think you're right, and again, thanks,

 
Old 02-27-2011, 12:42 PM   #8
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Re: BAD Choices

No problem, Pendulum, and thank you. I REALLY don't want to go back to school, too many years in them already!
I love your comment about "whatever happiness is....one thing we know about it for sure: it's elusive!

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
I am sorry for having assumed that you still needed to work on your real vocation. It is clear that you found it many years ago.

Yet it seems I was not wrong to think that love & relationships is not the whole of your happiness, whatever happiness is.

I hope you will be able to get rid of this situation and find time and energy for your art again.

 
Old 02-27-2011, 12:47 PM   #9
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Re: BAD Choices

Thnak you, Rose Quartz- I will look that book up. Also, have you ever been to Al-Anon? I wonder if that woulod be appropriate or helpful? I am glad to hear you are doing well now. It sounds like there's someone else out there who's made some of the same mistakes I have. It gives me hope to know you can come out of it....

 
Old 02-27-2011, 07:36 PM   #10
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Re: BAD Choices

Quote:
Originally Posted by nantiglogirl View Post
I am ready to be alone again big time. And I don't trust myself to ever be in a relationship again. I just don't know how to pick 'em.
i've said this EXACT same thing! you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. sometimes being alone is so peaceful, you wonder why anyone would ever put up with a bad relationship. I think once you get this vampyre off your neck, your creativity and your desire to paint will come back......he's draining you, emotionally and financially
life is too short! you CAN do it!

Last edited by rosequartz; 02-27-2011 at 07:36 PM.

 
Old 02-27-2011, 07:39 PM   #11
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Re: BAD Choices

Quote:
Originally Posted by nantiglogirl View Post
Thnak you, Rose Quartz- I will look that book up. Also, have you ever been to Al-Anon? I wonder if that woulod be appropriate or helpful? I am glad to hear you are doing well now. It sounds like there's someone else out there who's made some of the same mistakes I have. It gives me hope to know you can come out of it....
nope i've never been to Al-anon, and I don't really think you should go either.....that means you're investing energy to stay in this relationship and work around his problem. A better thing would be to get this guy out of your house, whatever it takes, and there will be no need for al-anon....that's just my personal opinion.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 06:47 AM   #12
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Re: BAD Choices

I agree with rosequartz, don't bother with al-anon. You want him out, so get him out, whatever it takes. You only have one life, don't waste the rest of yours dealing with his problems, ones which he has no intention of dealing with himself, to the detriment of your own health and happiness.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 09:43 PM   #13
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Re: BAD Choices

If i were you i would rather live with my daughter just the two of us, less headache and less stress causing of the men that is unpredictable. surely your daughter won't never leave you. good luck

 
Old 03-14-2011, 04:12 AM   #14
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Re: BAD Choices

Hi Again, Rose Quartz!

I took your advice & picked up a copy of "Co-Dependent No More". It's the most helpful book I've read so far, thank you a bunch. Against the advice of several folks, I have also been going to Al-Anon meetings. I realize I have a problem. I don't want to keep repeating the past mistakes in relationships. I made it clear at Al-Anon that I am not there for him, I am totally over trying to help him with his problem, I am there for me and because I have a problem. You know what I am talking about. It's also helpful not to have to deal with this alone. I am hoping that they will be able to give me the strength to do what I need to do for myself. It's a little difficult because he is a nice man but he is a sick man and this sickness is wrecking my enjoyment of life.

Chapter 11 is my favorite so far. Again, thanks. I am glad you have gotten your life together. I am almost 60, but I guess it's never too late.


QUOTE=rosequartz;4694553]haha....I hear ya girl....for a while I was going thru the same thing.
I was married to an un-medicated bi-polar man for 10 years
after I was divorced, a few years later, I found myself in a relationship with a narcissist, then a guy with PTSD from childhood abuse, then a guy with borderline personality disorder. After that ended I just wanted to be by myself. I could see that I was going from bad to worse.....
and that was the timeframe AFTER my marriage....my partners when I was younger were just as colorful.....
I stayed alone for a few years, and really enjoyed the time to myself.
you might want to read co-dependent no more. it really helped me. I still struggle with it, but I have learned to stop meeting other peoples needs to the exclusion of my own most of the time.
take a break for a while, it sounds like you need one. get rid of this guy who is doing you no good at all.....and get back your self-respect!
you can do it!
[/QUOTE]

 
Old 03-14-2011, 07:25 AM   #15
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Re: BAD Choices

sounds like you're on the right track!
I wish you all the best!

 
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