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Old 02-27-2011, 01:42 PM   #1
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abandoned by best friend of 20 years

My best friend of 20 years has been going through a divorce for 2 1/2 years. We used to talk several times a day, then for 3 months wouldn't even return my calls. I don't know what happened and wonder if this is something related to her divorce and emotions related to that. I've been there all along to support her, listen to her, provided a shoulder to cry on, never offered unsolicited advice and just tried to be with her "where she's at". My health has been poor for a few years and has significantly worsened in the last year. I've let her know that there are times when I don't feel well and spend days sleeping, however I'm still there for her and if I don't call her, that she can contact me anytime and I will be there. She's expressed to me (in the past) that she totally understands.

Regarding my health, I try to remain positive and upbeat (though I'm very human and fail at this sometimes). I received some very distressing news about 3 months ago from my doctor who (due to multiple organ failure issues related to lupus) gave me a grim prognosis (which I won't even honor by putting into words because I don't believe it). I needed my friend and called her, desperately wanting to get together and talk. (Even typing this now is hard as the tears pour forth). She claimed she was busy that week, so I called the next week, only to receive the same. After my 3rd attempt at calling her, with clearly no desire on her part to want to get together, I began to realize she wasn't interested in talking to me, nor did she have any concern for my health (which she's aware is serious). I decided to wait to hear from her, which only happened when I sent her an email saying "goodbye, I don't know what happened to our friendship or why it ended, but I miss you and will always love you". She finally responded, came over and we talked - sort of. She gave a quick "I just want to get this off my chest so I don't feel bad anymore - I'm sorry I haven't been responding, I've just sort of "shut down" lately, though I'm not depressed or anything". She said she was just busy and did what she needed to do each day (take her daughter to school, take her mom to appointments, go to her Bible Study groups, lead her girl scout meetings, etc). She was still clearly talking to other people and friends during this time - just not me. Her "explanation/weak apology" actually made me feel worse. I could understand if she had told me that she had been depressed over her upcoming trial (not that I want her to be depressed - I just would have understood it more), etc. I asked her if she was ok (regarding the divorce, etc...was she depressed, did I do anything.......all to which she said "no").

I am still very hurt. I'm also very angry with myself for having shared the severity of my health issues with her, as her response seemed as though it was like I'd told her that I had the flu or something. I am in a very vulnerable place myself right now and not able to just gloss over this as though things are normal. I desperately want to give her the benefit of the doubt and attribute the way she's treated me to something going on in her life, such as her upcoming divorce. Otherwise, I am left with the assumption that she truly doesn't care about me anymore and our friendship is truly over. If that's what I need to accept, I will accept it, as painful as it will be. I care about her more than you can imagine, but if it's time to let her go, I will. Thanks for listening, Micaela

 
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:20 PM   #2
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Re: abandoned by best friend of 20 years

I'm sorry about you and your friend. I had I friend walk away from me when she left her husband. I didn't see it coming at all. That was about 7 years ago. Seems to me she didn't want anyone around her that reminded her of him. We were best friends for 15 years. It was very hard. Maybe you're not in the same boat I was. I hope not, with you being sick.Maybe she is just thinking of herself right now and she's snap out of it. If not you will have to try really hard to not let it get to you. You do not need the stress, that will only hurt you more. Take it from me, if she is the kind of person that would walk away from you in a time of need,she's not worth being around. She is not good for you! So hang around people who are. Good Luck! Liz

 
Old 02-27-2011, 08:04 PM   #3
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Re: abandoned by best friend of 20 years

i felt so sad reading your story. i can sort of understand your pain , yours is worse as you dont want to walk away and its like 20 years of friends, where as with me i am the one walking away from a friend after 6/7 years of disrespecting me it is a very hard time to walk away from someone you care about as it is hard for you to see your friend fade away from you. she is been very selfish at the moment and maybe she will realise but just dont wait around , just try get on with things. if shes a true friend she will be there. if shes not she is not worth knowing as the a previous post said. you was there for her so she should be there for you. infact you should be both closer than ever as you both need love and support through both your diffacult times. hugs xxxxxxxx

 
Old 02-28-2011, 04:26 AM   #4
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Re: abandoned by best friend of 20 years

Your post has also made me sad, but I like your final words, because they tell me that you are, despite your pain, facing reality.

You know reality is not always sweet, but only through the acceptance of reality you can find some balance in your life and move on.

There is no further advice to be given to you, but I would only like to remind you of a couple of things:

a) Try not to judge your friend or ex-friend. She probably had some inner reasons to back away from you, you may never know what these reasons actually were, but I don't think she really meant to hurt you. I know she ended up hurting you through her indifference, but I don't think she was aware of it or did it on purpose. Accept the mystery of her behavior.

b) You did nothing wrong, you were acting like friends do, when they share their problems and ask for support. If she was unable to respond to your needs, then it is her problem, or maybe she is in debt with you. But let it be. Don't ask for anything else. Just preserve your peace of mind and concentrate on keeping your energy so you can fight your disease.

c) If it helps, try to talk to her in your dreams or in your meditations. In your dreams you can imagine good things, like your friendship with her has not come to an end or you have just found a way out of illness. But don't mix dreams with reality. Keep doing what must be done.

I sincerely hope you will find other people to give you the support you are in need of. After a certain age, making new friends is really difficult, but it is not impossible. In fact, friendship after the forties or fifties can be even more meaningful than in our young years, because we now know where we stand and don't have to hide anything.

Last edited by pendulum; 02-28-2011 at 05:19 AM.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 09:15 AM   #5
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Re: abandoned by best friend of 20 years

I am sorry to hear this. I think everyone expiences this in some way or another. I had a really good friend out of the middle of nowhere steal property from me and try to sell it. I have had friends that just vanish from my life, all of the sudden erase me from facvebook, dont take my calls etc. I never did anything to these people for them to not like me. You can really never know why people do the things they do. Just keep in there and remain positive!

 
Old 03-03-2011, 06:18 PM   #6
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Re: abandoned by best friend of 20 years

Your story was painful to read. Especially her "apology". Even that act was selfish of her. I'm sorry to say this but I think she's just showing you her true colors. I'm not saying she's a bad person. She clearly has a life that's active and contributes where she wants. But it's on her terms. And she's not getting anything from you anymore.

Yours is one of the few posts I've read here where I wish I could drop by your home and visit with you for an hour. Do your laundry while you vent. You know? You deserve a better friend than she was to you. And it's very hard to find the mix between the sweet memories of when you had such a wonderful friend ship and now.

I've read the other responses and I almost wonder if you could think of this friend's dramatic change as her disability. It seems for one reason or another she could not be the person she should have been. And you do have to let her go from your life. Oddly, even though you are physically ill, you're the "healthier" of the two of you. Hanging onto a now toxic relationship will only hurt and the sooner you grieve it and get past it the better. But you deserved the friend you were. We just often don't get that because we are the givers.

 
Old 03-20-2011, 07:13 PM   #7
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Re: abandoned by best friend of 20 years

Hi, it's Micaela. I had to change my user ID because I couldn't remember my password or what email I used to sign in before. Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to my post. You all gave some great advice and made me feel understood and comforted. I have not had any contact with my "friend" since the day I mentioned, unless it was initiated by me. I sent her several texts (she replied), but she has yet to initiate any conversation with me via text, calls, etc. I have let her go, as I realized that I'm the only one still hanging on. The good news is, I went to a retreat last weekend and met 40 wonderful women and hope to make some lasting friendships from that group. I'm also hoping to join a Bible Study at my church (health permitting) so I may make some friends there. I truly do appreciate all of the supportive comments you all made - it really did make a difference. Love and hugs, Micaela.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 08:39 AM   #8
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Re: abandoned by best friend of 20 years

welcome back.

awww that sounds lovely that you met some fab ladies and i wish you the best of luck in finding forever lasting friendships. that woman she isnt worth it anymore. good luck hun x

 
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