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Old 02-27-2011, 10:26 PM   #1
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Unhappy Commitment Issues and Cheating

A little bit of background information: I was hurt badly in my last few relationships: one cheated on me; one who had me on an emotional leash, keeping me close one minute, then letting me loose another (whom I later found out, he actually had a girlfriend the entire time we were 'together', and I wasn't even aware); and one who was still in love with his ex. I started thinking that all men were disgusting, that there was something inherently wrong with me, and that maybe I just wasn't meant for love.

Flash forward: I met my boyfriend after yet another terrible relationship. It only took one minute for him to change my life; he came up to my table, asked me why I was sitting alone, while everyone around me was partying, and asked if he could keep me company, even for just 15 minutes (because he was actually working). We talked, and something just felt different.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year now. We met, dated, and fell in love in less than 4 months - the relationship just felt so right, and so good. We've been inseparable since our very first date. He's given me more respect, honesty, and trust (both ways) than any of my other relationships. We hardly ever fight, and when we do, he's just so willing to talk things out. I'm usually very guarded about my emotions; I won't talk about my issues and will let them fester until I eventually blow up. What he's given me, is the ability to talk openly about how I feel, even if it means hours of listening and frustration on his part. He supports me in every way. He doesn't have much, but he gives me what I can and I love him all the more for that. Despite some human flaws, which we all have, my boyfriend is what I would call perfect. So, you ask: what exactly is the problem, then?

I have an underlying fear of rejection. I constant have this fear that he's going to screw it all up; that he's going to fall in love with someone else; that he's going to cheat on me; that he's going to wake up one day, and realize that he doesn't want me; that his ex(es) will somehow make it back into the picture. And there will be times where I'll hear a story about an unfaithful person and I'll project all my insecurities about that cheater onto my boyfriend, believing that one day, he'll do the same, and he hasn't so much as even touched a girl since we started dating. Oddly enough, this feeling only happens when we're physically apart. Because when I'm with him, I feel extremely safe and loved. In the back of my mind, I really don't think he'd cheat on me, because he's never given me any reason to think otherwise. But my paranoia, it won't go away and I can't will it to.

But the funny thing: I'm the cheater. Some of my friends tell me that it was meaningless and it's small in the grand scheme of things, but, yesterday, I accidentally kissed (not making out, but a peck that lasted 30 seconds, at least) another guy (whom I've been friends with for over 10 years, and I am not attracted to in any sense) while extremely intoxicated. It was dumb. My boyfriend and I had gotten into a small argument before I went out with my friends; I was dancing with my friend, we were both drunk, I was thinking of my boyfriend and how much I wanted to be dancing with him and how much I wanted to kiss him, and then...I accidentally kissed my friend. I knew, the minute it happened, it was terrible. How paradoxical: I'm constantly waiting for my boyfriend to screw up, and I'm the one who screws up. I felt so terrible that I came home bawling and confessed to the small kiss, telling him that he should be angry with me, how it was all my fault, how disgusting I was, and how I didn't deserve him. And you know what he did? He told me to stop being upset, because seeing me upset hurts him too much. Obviously, he told me that he wasn't happy with it and there is a breach of trust, but that he wasn't willing to break up with me over it, because I admitted to it and I was self-flagellating myself enough for the both of us. But, this wasn't the first time this happened. The day he asked for commitment, I was so scared that I went out with my friends, got stupid drunk and kissed a stranger. I felt terrible then, and I also admitted it. 5 minutes after it happened. I've never slept with those two or anywhere near it, nor have I taken things any further than that small kiss. But, really, what the hell is wrong with me? I hate admitting this to you all, strangers whom I'm scared will judge me and tell me how terrible I am. But I feel in order for me to truly get some advice and help, I would have to divulge all my dirty secrets.

I don't like victimizing myself. But I'm scared and vulnerable. This is the most in love I've ever been and I'm scared to think that I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage my relationship in order to validate what I feel in the inside: unworthy of love. I constantly feel that losing him will make my world shatter. Yes, we've all become a broken from past relationships, but the best of us are able to pick themselves up and make changes for the positive. My fear is that I'm falling down this dark, negative spiral - I want to change. I want to be the person worthy of having my boyfriend, who is so great to me, I can't even understand it.

So.......feedback?

Last edited by sakura84; 02-28-2011 at 12:37 AM.

 
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Old 02-27-2011, 11:22 PM   #2
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Re: Commitment Issues and Cheating

It is really hard to understand one's position about something when having confusion like doing the things what is extremely opposite of it. But to coupe with it, you have to declined with deeds that could make you do those accidentally kissing your friend for example. Have no fear on being rejected. I understand your past made you feel that way and it took your confidence with yourself away but you have are bing unfair to your bf in that way.
You're on a stage of moving on, forget your past.

 
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Old 02-28-2011, 07:31 AM   #3
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Re: Commitment Issues and Cheating

Although it would seem like you are trying to sabotage your own relationship I'm sure you don't actually want that to happen. If you carry on like this you will end up pushing him away.

Admitting you have a problem and asking for help is a big step towards fixing that problem. Have you considered councelling to help put the past into perspective and help you move forward without your fears?

 
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Old 02-28-2011, 10:43 AM   #4
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Re: Commitment Issues and Cheating

Unfortunately, counselling is quite expensive and I don't make too much. I've been trying to see if there are hotlines that I could call, just to talk to someone, but I've only just started opening up my mind to even believe that I have a problem. Saturday night made me self-reflect, and thus I started researching and came across this forum.

I do want to get help, and overcome my past and my fears, because I don't want to take the chance and allow them to push my boyfriend away. I can feel that it's causing a small rift right now and I don't want that rift to get any bigger. I want my relationship to last, more than anything, because I truly believe he could be "it".

 
Old 02-28-2011, 12:29 PM   #5
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Re: Commitment Issues and Cheating

Maybe I am wrong in my suspicion, but I found the way you worded your last sentence - I truly believe he could be it - a bit ambiguous, if you see what I mean. Do you really need an adverb here - truly? And why do you say he could be rather than he is? It gives me the impression that you are not 100% sure that he really is the one.

You talk about perfection. Apart from a few flaws, he is perfect - or something like that. It seems to be a fact that perfection in a person may scare you away or may have you thinking that you will always be below their standard.

We want human people rather than perfect people?

It could also be your unconscious trying to put him to the test.

Something else occurs to me, sorry if this comes across as too forward, but I am wondering if the level of intimacy you currently enjoy with your boyfriend is satisfying or not.

In his pursuit of perfection, is he perhaps avoiding real intimacy until the two of you are legally married?

Last edited by pendulum; 02-28-2011 at 12:30 PM.

 
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Old 02-28-2011, 01:47 PM   #6
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Re: Commitment Issues and Cheating

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
Maybe I am wrong in my suspicion, but I found the way you worded your last sentence - I truly believe he could be it - a bit ambiguous, if you see what I mean. Do you really need an adverb here - truly? And why do you say he could be rather than he is? It gives me the impression that you are not 100% sure that he really is the one.

You talk about perfection. Apart from a few flaws, he is perfect - or something like that. It seems to be a fact that perfection in a person may scare you away or may have you thinking that you will always be below their standard.

We want human people rather than perfect people?

It could also be your unconscious trying to put him to the test.

Something else occurs to me, sorry if this comes across as too forward, but I am wondering if the level of intimacy you currently enjoy with your boyfriend is satisfying or not.

In his pursuit of perfection, is he perhaps avoiding real intimacy until the two of you are legally married?
Thanks for your feedback.

I don't think anyone is really 100% of things, because most of us do have a fear of uncertainty - not knowing what could happen next. But there was no meaning behind writing "truly" and "could be"; if anything, it was because I can't put a definitive answer to anything that isn't concrete. If we were engaged, I would have said he IS it. I'm rambling, and not sure if I'm expressing myself correctly with words.

And, I meant "it" as in "the one" I could see myself moving forward with. Living with, marrying, etc. He has human flaws, he smokes, he has financial issues and worry, like the rest of us do, but despite the flaws, I still love him, and he is honestly the perfect companion for me. He's such a fantastic listener and always so supportive. He's affectionate and not at all shy with public displays of affection. He's not the one trying to be perfect, I just feel that he is as close to "perfect" as I could hope for. Maybe I'm just putting him on a pedestal, which isn't right of me to do, either.

And, no, it's not too forward. The level of intimacy is great. We're not virgins and our sex life is pretty fantastic. We're open-minded about what we like and what we don't like, and are respectful of that.

Sometimes, and I feel super embarrassed about admitting this, but I feel like the "reacher" in the relationship. I constantly feel as though I'm not good enough and, in his defense, he really doesn't do anything to cause me to feel this way. It's obviously just my own issues and I've admitted this to him, in the hopes that he'll be patient and understanding - which he is. But I'm sure one day, enough will be enough and I want to change myself before any of that happens.

Last edited by sakura84; 02-28-2011 at 01:55 PM.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 11:49 PM   #7
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Re: Commitment Issues and Cheating

just want you to know your not alone. i have a great boyfriend , trust issues, worrying all the time and in constant fear of been heart broken. i have not cheated on him though, i could never ever do that. i think you need to try sort some therapy out, try so hard as it will help you. i am in therapy and its slowly helping me. i go every week and lately i am improving. i just think you need to stop getting drunk and go out with friends but not drink too much set yourself a limit for example 3 drinks thats not too heavy/strong. you dont need a drink to have a good time. i have been partying many times with my friends and i drink coca cola dont even touch a drop as i find alcohol crap LOL. but you know what might happen if you get drunk which is cheat so to solve that stay sober. try believe in your man.

few tips on how things can help which worked for me and hope it works for you aswell :

think ''when we get hurt we are hurt, we spend time grieving and then after a while we get over it so been heartbroken is only temporary, however if you worry EVERYDAY you are wasting precious time/years/life hurting everyday and whats worst? ...feeling heartbroken temporary IF something bad happens, or living everyday feeling miserable and hurt before anythings even happened''.....a lesson i am learning.

think: give him a fair chance , innocent until proven guilty.

talk: talk to his family and friends and get reassurance from them. i did it and every single person who knows my boyfriend said ''you can trust him 100% hes the most decent human being i know'' and thats from all his friends , his mum, dad, grandparents etc...they all told me trust him. so seek reassurance off family and friends. dont ever be ashamed to be reveal you have trust issues it is quite common and if they are good people they will understand (like my boyfriends family/friends did) that you are doing it to make a difference to your behavour. never be embarrassed. we all have issues to some level.

also : one life , we are not put on this planet to live our ONE life in misery. in the end we die , so might aswell make the most of life and make some great times and experiences. no pain lasts forever.

also: he sounds very different from all your ex's. not everybodys the same. think to yourself ''does every person committ a burglary? ''....your answer will be ''no'' of course...so as you can see what some person does (your ex/s) doesnt mean the next will.

I understand totally a million percent of how hard it can be to trust but you need to dedicate your time and mind to getting better as you will lose him. someone once said to me other day ''your worrying about losing him , but the way you keep going you'll lose him anyway''... and said ''your worrying about him running off with another woman, but then pushing him away you'll lose him anyway and it wont be to do with another woman it will be because of you so which way would you prefer to take a risk at losing him''.

also...always hold your head up high and think '...any person can do whatever they want and cause as much happiness or misery to ones life but so long as i remain a decent loyal loving faithful person i have that good quality about myself that can get me through anything.

Last edited by cryingforever; 02-28-2011 at 11:50 PM.

 
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:40 AM   #8
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Re: Commitment Issues and Cheating

Thank you for your post, it means so much to me. I always feel like I'm insane because of my issues and I don't tell people about them for fear that they'll tell me to just get over myself and stop being so stupid. There is no more "I wish things will change", but rather "I will make things change". It starts with me, and I'm ready to take the step. I am going to trust him, because I'd rather know that I did the best I could than that I gave up on something so wonderful.

 
Old 03-01-2011, 11:39 AM   #9
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Re: Commitment Issues and Cheating

snap!!! i'm doing same as you. giving it a chance. i hope your trusting goes well too. i think our boyfriends are worth it hehe.

 
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