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Old 02-27-2011, 09:47 PM   #1
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Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 11 months, and even though we have issues I see potential.

Early on in our dating she shared with me that she has had losers for husbands (3). Initially the number bothered me more than it does now, however it still concerns me. I have been married once for almost 20 years, I bring my crap into this relationship too. I have trust issues, that must be dealt with.

I have learned that actions speak louder than words and those actions are what I need to affirmation.

In her 2nd marriage she suffered physical abuse, and rape. She is the type of person who shares leading statements with you. So, as we discovered more about each other I learned about her aversion to anything having to do with her anus. I have no interest in anal sex, but my antenna sure did pickup those signals. Early in our relationship she also shared her experiences with her 3 hubbies, and when she elaborated about the physical abuse with #2 (let's call him Jeff M.). I responded by letting her know my feelings about guys that abuse women.

She also went on to say that she was friends with her 2nd ex husband now, and that they get together for coffee, an occasional motorcycle ride. When I found this out, it made me a little wary. We talked about it a few times, but never got a resolution. I always was shutdown.

Now, a few months later and we're in a discussion and she shares with me the fact that Jeff M. raped her. I let a few days go by and I shared with her my needs to continue our relationship. I shared with her my need for her to not see Jeff anymore. I am a "protector" and to have someone that I love put themselves in danger is nothing that I am interested in being a part of. I couldn't understand why she'd befriend him after he'd done all of that to her, and she couldn't explain why, because she herself doesn't know. But, I made it clear that I was not forcing her to do this I just know myself and that falls outside of comfort zone and my boundaries.

She decided that she'd NOT see him, because she felt WE were more important. During the same conversation I asked her if they still talked flirtatiously. She proclaimed NO, I knew this was a lie because I had seen some of their emails. They were very sexual in nature, and one of the areas of concern were the dates that these were being sent. They still call each other by their pet names from when they were married. This is another red flag. The emails were during the time that we started dating, almost 2 months after. She went on to say that Jeff hasn't shared their friendship with his current girlfriend, she knows that current girlfriend would be unhappy.
When I put all these pieces together I get the feeling that she still has significant feelings towards Jeff, and if that's the case I might as well move on.

I consider myself to be pretty understanding, one area that I need help with from her is how you get to a point of befriending your abuser. She hasn't been able to communicate that, and in addition she actually protects him. About a month ago she sent him a note telling him of a fight we had and that I was threatened by him, and that I am forbidding her to see him. Both are untrue, if she wants to see him she sure can I just don't want to be in a relationship like that. After reading that email I felt like she didn't respect me enough to tell him why I had the problems with her seeing him.

I need some outside perspective on our relationship, on her issues with Jeff, and how to approach her about this. We are both seeing counselors separately, and the goal is to have couples counseling hopefully sooner than later. This is something that I suggested, I do want a relationship with her. I am not sure that she has it in her to really be in a healthy relationship.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 
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Old 02-28-2011, 09:59 AM   #2
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

your gut instinct to move on is the right one.....
this girl is a drama queen.....she thrives on it......
if you don't want to get sucked into it, i suggest you move on.
this girl isn't emotionally healthy, and it's impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone like her.

 
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Old 02-28-2011, 10:37 AM   #3
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

So far I have no advice to give, but a couple of questions:

Where do you see potential in this relationship?

Or in other words, what things in this woman make you attracted to and interested in her as a partner?

Are you helping her with money or something?

To me, it feels like you could be wasting your time with her, but let me have your answers first.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 10:47 AM   #4
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

From the information you've posted, I would say that it's probable that she thrives on drama and also probable that she has made some stuff up in order to garner your sympathy. My experience is that when a person repeatedly finds themselves with bad people one of two things is going on- either they seek that type of person out, or they only say that the person was bad when really they weren't. Either way, it's not a good thing, and doesn't bode well for you.

 
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Old 02-28-2011, 10:57 AM   #5
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
So far I have no advice to give, but a couple of questions:

Where do you see potential in this relationship?

Or in other words, what things in this woman make you attracted to and interested in her as a partner?

Are you helping her with money or something?

To me, it feels like you could be wasting your time with her, but let me have your answers first.
I would like to marry her if we can get through this, not tomorrow but in a couple of years. She has a great personality, she's very attractive, and for the most part we can communicate well with one another. I am not helping her financially, but I have helped her with her home repairs/remodeling etc. Only with free labor, she has a higher income than me with a fair amount of savings.
I am not into wasting my time, but am also not willing to throw in the towel until I figure this out.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 11:02 AM   #6
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

Thanks for your advice, I am not the kind of person who quickly changes. I do understand what you're saying and will use it to make my decision.

Thanks

 
Old 02-28-2011, 11:04 AM   #7
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

Thanks for your insight, you may be right. I will find out sooner than later!

 
Old 02-28-2011, 11:38 AM   #8
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeisatreat View Post
I would like to marry her if we can get through this, not tomorrow but in a couple of years. She has a great personality, she's very attractive, and for the most part we can communicate well with one another. I am not helping her financially, but I have helped her with her home repairs/remodeling etc. Only with free labor, she has a higher income than me with a fair amount of savings.
I am not into wasting my time, but am also not willing to throw in the towel until I figure this out.


Okay, thanks for the answers. I see you are determined to find the truth about this person. From reading your original post, I gather there is some ambivalence about her. Like she is still hiding something, despite the fact that you "can communicate well with one another".

If you are not in a hurry and can invest some more time to get to know her better, then do it. She is probably hesistant to bring all her cards to the table. I hope you can make her see that you really love her and that she can let go of her defenses and trust you.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 12:09 PM   #9
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

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Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
Okay, thanks for the answers. I see you are determined to find the truth about this person. From reading your original post, I gather there is some ambivalence about her. Like she is still hiding something, despite the fact that you "can communicate well with one another".

If you are not in a hurry and can invest some more time to get to know her better, then do it. She is probably hesistant to bring all her cards to the table. I hope you can make her see that you really love her and that she can let go of her defenses and trust you.
Not in a hurry is kind of oxymoron. I am in a hurry to find out the truth, but can wait. Not sure for how long, but I can wait. I am willing to invest time and effort even money for counseling. The counseling can only help me no matter the outcome of our relationship.

Thanks

 
Old 02-28-2011, 12:10 PM   #10
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

Wow. Well, if you are determined to hang out with (and possibly marry) crazy then there isn't much to say. At most she is suffereing from PTSD and is still being controlled by ex #2 and at the least she is lying to you about her involvement with him.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 12:23 PM   #11
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

You may be 100% correct, however the mere fact that I have feelings for her and that I don't make rash decisions has led me to this website. My expectations from this post was to get as many viewpoints as possible, and that I may be able to see the situation from a different perspective. Thank you for sharing your perspective. As for being crazy, that's something we all have in us. One persons irrational decision is rational for someone else. It only becomes irrational after it's been exposed to others.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 12:31 PM   #12
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

instead of wasting precious energy in this relationship, why not use that energy trying to find out why you are compelled to "rescue" women. I don't think this relationship will last, and then you will have some knowledge for your next one.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 12:32 PM   #13
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

From an outsiders perspective and just going on what you have told us....it seems like you are trying to talk yourself into getting on this train with her even though you know what kind of a ride it is going to be. From an outsider's perspective, it shouldn't take you any time whatsoever to decide that this relationship is only going to be trouble. Having to think about it, having to contemplate, from this side, seems like rationalization.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 04:53 PM   #14
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

Why are you so keen to stay in such an unhealthy relationship? She lies to you. She flirts with her ex and is in contact with him behind your back. Do you know for a fact that he actually raped her? She doesn't sound very trustworthy, and she certainly has no respect for you.

 
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Old 02-28-2011, 05:35 PM   #15
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Re: Girlfriend was Raped by Ex-Husband, I need some Advice

You need to be very careful in this relationship because I'm afraid that you will get hurt in the end. She doesn't appear to be very honest. It's highly unlikely that a woman would stay in contact with a guy who abused her and violated her in that way. I'm not sure she is being truthful about that. If it is true, then why is she still in contact with him? For what possible reason could she have to stay in touch with him? Unless there are children involved (I don't recall if you said there were or not in your post), there is no conceivable reason why she should still be in contact with him, specifically due to her history with him.

I think that if you are going to continue this relationship, you need to insist that she cut off contact with him. Unless she can give you a valid reason (and it better be a good one) why she is still talking to him, she needs to cut him off for the sake of your relationship with her. If she won't do it then that tells you she cares more about him than she does about you. She should be caring more about your feelings than his at this point.

Whatever you do, make sure you keep your own feelings first. Don't compromise your feelings for her.

 
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