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Old 03-01-2011, 07:33 AM   #1
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Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

I have been dating my bf for 5 mons now. He is really a super sweet guy. He is black and he used to date a black girl. Im not however. His ex happens to be in a black sorority and she is very "ghetto" to say the least. She is the type to go out of her to hug and him and make a scene. I havent had to deal with it in person... I have seen her three times and both times she has went out of her way to approach him and one particular time she was drunk and her sorority sisters were there and she just went out of her way to throw herself at him. It was so unexpected it honestly caught both of us off guard. He politely said "hey" and just went on. This girl is really sleazy. She has the tendency to walk up to him and flirt with him and ask him to come home with her blah blah blah when she sees him out esp when Im not there. My Q: I know I should let him handle her but if she did disrespect me... for instance if he told her to not be disrespectful, he is here with his gf and she says I DONT CARE -- How do I handle that? at this point, I feel that would be directed to me and I feel its my place to address matters with her. Im posting this bec I know its only going to be a matter of time until me and her get in a confrontation. She is that type of girl who thinks she is a bad *** because she is part of a sorority and she thinks she can intimidate me (bec she is black and im not). She is also the type who would do and say things to get under my skin just to get a reaction.

I dont want to be disrespected yet I do not want to stoop down to her level neither. By letting my boyfriend deal with her, am I doing the right thing? Or is there a line? I honestly do not want to be out at a club and get in a screaming ghetto match with her or anything -- and honestly -- she would be that type simply bec she is in this sorority and wherever she goes her "line sisters" follow and they "have her back"

This whole thing is so stupid and quite frankly juvenile. How do I deal with this? I have never experienced such.

 
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Old 03-01-2011, 07:55 AM   #2
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

Ignore her completely. There is no reason to say or do anything. If she does get in your face just be calm and tell her to back off and then walk away. No good can come out of a confrontation.

 
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Old 03-01-2011, 08:06 AM   #3
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

It's a shame your guy comes with this kind of baggage, but it's his to deal with. I think no matter what she says, they're just words and they don't mean anythign. Just ignore her unless she puts her hands on you, then you can call the police and have her busted for assault. Maybe that would cool her jets a bit.

 
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Old 03-01-2011, 08:14 AM   #4
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

You always give the best advice LarryLou. I guess with these sorority girls they consider "not saying anything" or "ignoring" a sign of weakness and they will continue to bully. Im not going to tolerate that neither!!!

 
Old 03-01-2011, 08:25 AM   #5
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

Nor should you. Most houses in the greek system all have some sort of code of conduct. You can report them to whomever is responsible for the girls in that sorority. If you get no satisfaction from that, go to the dean. You shouldn't have to put up with a group of foul-mouthed bullies ganging up on you whenever you go out with your boyfriend.

 
Old 03-01-2011, 08:52 AM   #6
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

If you ask me, you should avoid her and ignore her at all costs. Why do you say it is only a matter of time until both you enter a confrotation? Only if you want this, because it takes two to tango, you know.

Yes, I also think that your current boyfriend should deal with this alone. I wonder why he hasn't already put an end to this. Perhaps he needs to be more assertive and tell this woman that enough is enough and that if she keeps attacking you, him or both, she is going to be reported to the police.

I don't know much about sororities, but I don't think a decent one would take part in this dirty game and bullying. So the focus should be on neutralizing her and only her, not the whole sorority.

 
Old 03-01-2011, 09:00 AM   #7
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

Pendulum,

I definitely do not want to get in a confrontation with her. Thats the last thing I want. When I say I think its only a matter of time, she is the type of person who would purposely bump me or hit her shoulder against me if lets say we were passing each other out at a party. Im not going to tolerate that. I dont start fights. I dont believe in fighting but Im not going to be intimatated, touched or disrespected neither. Thats the part I dont know how to handle I guess.

I think you are right about my bf dealing with her and being more assertive. when she is drunk or tipsy --whatever you want to call it -- at parties and she tries to mess with him he just walks off and ignores her. But then one time she called "sober" and tried to talk to him like she had some sense and of course he entertained that conversation with her. Im not saying I want him to be mean but i feel his actions need to be consistent.

 
Old 03-01-2011, 09:02 AM   #8
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

So how exactly do I tell him to be assertive with her? I dont want to come across insecure or trying to tell him what to do or be controlling in anyways. I just really dont want to deal with her. I think the problem to is in the past he would go back to her. He'd date a diff for a short period, then after breaking up he would hook up with his ex. I dont know if that has anything to do with how she acts.

 
Old 03-01-2011, 09:26 AM   #9
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

Quote:
Originally Posted by msfeisty View Post
So how exactly do I tell him to be assertive with her? I dont want to come across insecure or trying to tell him what to do or be controlling in anyways. I just really dont want to deal with her. I think the problem to is in the past he would go back to her. He'd date a diff for a short period, then after breaking up he would hook up with his ex. I dont know if that has anything to do with how she acts.
For God's sake, do you need to tell him anything? Can't he see it with his own eyes that it bothers/hurts/affects you? If he is pretending not to see it, he is being her accomplice, if you see what I mean,

 
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Old 03-01-2011, 09:33 AM   #10
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

your issue is with your BF, not his ex-GF
he needs to man up and handle the situation
tell him in no uncertain terms to get this situation under control

 
Old 03-01-2011, 09:56 AM   #11
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

i feel your 'pain'.

The buck stops with your BF. He should be the one to put her in her place. Not you dear. So all you need to do is have a warm chat with your BF & explain exactly how u feel & how this girl is disrespecting you. Hopefully it'l hit home with him & he'll put this immature girl in her place.

 
Old 03-01-2011, 10:50 AM   #12
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

I do agree with the others that this is your bfs problem to solve, not yours. If I were in your place, I would be suspicious about why he hasn't done more to shut her down. Its almost like he is keeping her around as a fallback in case things don't work with you. I would tell him to quit being so spineless with her and tell her she is done, that her behavior is juvenile and she is coming off desperate since she can't seem to leave him alone.

 
Old 03-01-2011, 03:59 PM   #13
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

I agree with Kszan. I think he is keeping her on the back burner in case things don't work out with you, especially if that's his pattern with other girlfriends.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 05:35 AM   #14
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

Thanks Guys!

He actually brought the subject up last night. He said he spoke to his mom and told her everything. They are very close. He also told me that apparently his ex has asked him mum out to lunch several weeks ago, without his knowledge. He said he asked his mum to cut ties with his ex and explained what has been going on.

He also told me that he doesnt want to be with her. He just thought that may be they could have remained friendly towards each other but clearly thats not going to happen. He basically assured me and told me he would take care of it and that I dont have to worry about anything.

That's all I could ask for. We'll see if he really follows through. There is really no way of knowing until we are put in that situation. She has never spoken to me and has never started anything -- not while I was around. The only two times she came up to us was when a) me and him were just talking and hanging out, we werent even dating. She was sober then and she simply just said "Hey, how have you been?" and another time was b) when we were at a get together and she walked up to him, threw herself at him and gave him a hug. I can honestly say we didnt see her there and it was both unexpected. Since she ran up to him and gave him a hug, he sort of leaned sideways, and just said hey and went on. It was brief.

He told me one time he was out with his buddies and she was at the same bar, in a drunk state and tried to make a scene. He said she walked up to him and touched his arm and asked him to come home with her -- he said he just walked off and ignored her.

By the way, I do have a question. He did ask me if I wanted to know every time he sees her. He says he doesnt really want to tell me everytime they bump into each other because he doesnt really want to talk about her but he will if thats what I want. I dont really know how I feel. A part of me wants to know but I also dont. I dont see the need for him to tell me every time, I mean, she is in the PAST. I want to keep her there. I feel by continuously talking about her... she becomes a part of our present and Im not trying to bring her in my relationship.

Sorry for rambling.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 06:05 AM   #15
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Re: Bf's ex tries to make a scene out in public

Quote:
Originally Posted by msfeisty View Post
...

By the way, I do have a question. He did ask me if I wanted to know every time he sees her. He says he doesnt really want to tell me everytime they bump into each other because he doesnt really want to talk about her but he will if thats what I want. I dont really know how I feel. A part of me wants to know but I also dont. I dont see the need for him to tell me every time, I mean, she is in the PAST. I want to keep her there. I feel by continuously talking about her... she becomes a part of our present and Im not trying to bring her in my relationship.

Sorry for rambling.
No, it's okay, you are not rambling at all.

I seem to agree with you: it's better for you not to know if or when he sees her. You want some peace of mind, right?

Actually, it is safer for him to quickly move away, if possible, whenever he sees her first, so there is no possibility for an interaction. But that is up to him.

I sincerely hope that she will from now one leave him alone.

 
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