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Old 03-02-2011, 12:08 AM   #1
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Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

Ok, I am a 33 year old male and here's the story. A girl and I that I've known for years get reconnected after some years apart. I am going for some job interviews in the area where she lives and we decide to meet in where were from before the interviews and then in the state where she lives. The first night we hand out at some bars and all. Had a good time and kissed a bit during the night. The next morning, we go to the zoo. All is going well. Then, after, we got to some more bars and a friend of hers going away party. Out of nowhere she gets up after her friend was thanking everybody for coming and starts rambling on about how bad things are going for her. A pity party sort of. Anyways, after we left we decided to sit down outside and talk for a bit. I started to tell her that it's never a good idea to start telling those types of thing to people who she didn't know very well (and there were a lot there at the party) and especially under those circumstances. She then proceeds to completely break down and cry. She tells me that she was raped. Then, she tells me that when she was younger and when her mom would start drinking that her mom would say some really horrible things to her. I asked her when she was raped and by who. She refused to tell me anything. This bothered me a bit because my thinking was that if she was going to go as far as to tell me that she was raped, then she shouldn't leave me in the dark about the aspects of it. Still, she said nothing. Then she gave me this line when I asked her one last time: "why would I tell you, when I won't even tell my dad". I let it go.

After this happened, we went to a male friend of hers house to essentially crash for the night. I didn't know the guy and I was not in a real great mood at this point. The friend started to make the bed for her upstairs and I was just sitting there thinking to myself it would be best to just leave at this point. I told her friend who would have to drive me back to my hotel and he said no problem. She came back downstairs and was asking why I wanted to leave, upset. I had no intentions of getting into that with her at the time. On the way back she tries to convince me to stay but I was having none of it. She starts rubbing her hand up and down my leg and I kinda just gave her a look like it is a bit too late for that now.

I missed my flight the next morning and called her as i felt bad about the way things ended the previous night, so I asked her if she wanted to hang out for a bit and get something to eat. She said ok, but I could tell there was something bothering her. We did hang out, but she didn't mention a word about what happened and neither did I. Looking back I wish I did, but I didn't want to press the issue again.

Me and this girl, as I said, have known each other a very long time and have both liked each other. We have both told each other this too. There's a lot of history between us. This happened several years ago, and while we talk or exchange e-mails, there is something missing, understood yet not spoken. One time, I sent her a text and asked her how she was doing. At the end of the text, I added something like "not that you would really tell me anyways". She got very mad at that, but I did that to somewhat let her know that I didn't forget about what happened that night, and that she should have trusted me enough to go beyond the basic explanation of being raped. I wanted to let her know that it really bothered me for a lot of reasons.

I feel that there are a lot of things that I still have to say to her, nothing bad at all. Just to let her know that it didn't change the way I thought or will think about her, I never really got a chance to tell her this. I have some questions regarding if she remembered what she even told me. She has gone out of her way to avoid it, and me, in some way. I've remained silent. Never told a soul. Anybody who can give some good advice would be much appreciated and if you need to ask me any more question about it that I may not have filled in, please do. Thanks again.

Last edited by Administrator; 04-09-2011 at 11:44 AM.

 
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Old 03-02-2011, 01:30 AM   #2
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

'rape' is a sensitive subject. i have an idea why she didnt tell you who did it and when. sometimes people just like to keep it a secret. i too am a survivor of that and i dont tell anyone except my boyfriend and few close friends who did it as i just dont want to talk about it. maybe in time she will tell you. all i can say really is whatever you do dont push her to talk about it. dont stress about who did it and when. stressing wont change anything. always just let her open to you when shes ready. i am currently in therapy for it aswell as alot of other issues and my therapist told me that its going to take time for me to open up. just like it will with your girlfriend.

if i was you , i wouldnt mention it anymore to her. let her come to you or at least just say something like ''if you ever want to talk about what happened to you i am always here to listen anytime''. and maybe say ''whatever has gone on in your past it doesnt change anything here i still like you alot and would like to meet up again''. soft kind words is brilliant for a 'rape' victim it shows theres no pressure.

she probably will in time want to talk fully about it. did she have a drink when she said it to you? if so then shes probably just blurted out her secret pain as alcohol can make people open up more and some tell the truth. if she was sober then again she probably wants to talk but only bit by bit.

Last edited by Administrator; 04-09-2011 at 11:45 AM.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 04:12 AM   #3
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

If she was really raped and if that has left a scar (a trauma), then she needs the help of a counsellor.
This <seems like> too much burden for you, and you are not even her boyfriend, maybe not even an intimate friend, if I got it right.

Last edited by Administrator; 04-09-2011 at 11:46 AM.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 01:07 PM   #4
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate it. I agree, there are some aspects of it that don't make too much sense. I sometimes wonder if she had a mini-blackout type of episode for a short while and actually forgot what she said, but knows that she told me something. She did drink a lot that day. Shots too, not beer. That previous night, we went to a bar that her friend was a bartender at. When she went to do some karaoke or something, her friend asked me if I got the job there would she and I move in together.

I told her at the time that what happened did not bother me, now whether she even remembers that is another issue. Like I said, I have stayed quiet about it since. I do still like her. She has many things that I look for. On the same hand, I want to straighten out a few things about what happened that night and let her know where I stand without being invasive. Thanks again for your replies.

Last edited by Administrator; 04-09-2011 at 11:49 AM.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 01:45 PM   #5
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

I'm trying to think of a way to talk with her about this. It needs to be done. Thanks.

Last edited by Administrator; 04-09-2011 at 11:50 AM.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 03:17 PM   #6
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

Quote:
Originally Posted by digmusic View Post
I'm not sure I get how having mutual friends negates the made up story?

It's just that making up something as serious as that, and say if i were to find out that it was a complete lie, well, then I would mention this to my friends and to warn them.

As I said, she also mentioned more than just the rape at the time she told me of this. She was telling me things like about how her mom would drink when she was younger and say some really vicious things to her. I always thought that she was opening up about some things that maybe she never really told anyone. It just seems like a stretch to say she would make this up. There was really no incentive for her to lie just to gain attention. She was already receiving it, with me anyways. That's what I do not get. What was her motivation, and how did she expect me to react to this??

 
Old 03-02-2011, 08:25 PM   #7
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

the more i think about this and read your thread again and i think she could be lying. i hope she is because it may make her heartless for lying about something so awful but it sure is better than it actually happening in real life. yeah maybe attention seeking.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 11:59 PM   #8
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

People say and do things whilst drunk that they wouldn't normally do. She could have just let it all spill out while she was drunk and then regretted what she'd said afterwards.

Whether or not she's telling the truth only she knows.

You should let this one go, you can't force her to talk about it if she doesn't want to, don't push her. She's not even your girlfriend and it she now doesn't want to talk about intimate parts of her life that she might not have dealt with properly then you need to respect that.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 12:28 PM   #9
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

ELy's right, wondering whether or not she's telling the truth is going to drive you crazy cause you'll probably never know. It's unlikely that she'll admit to lying, as that would make her look crazy and cruel. You'll never know, so it's more important to focus on what you need to do from here. I agree that you should try to let it go and not push. If she wants to connect with you, she'll come to you.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 01:24 PM   #10
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

I don't think I could just let this one go, if she was someone who I wanted to move forward with in an intimate relationship.

I'm never one to beat around the bush, so I'd probably just find the right time to bring it up and have a good heart to heart about it (preferably when sober). It's going to be a roadblock otherwise.

Personally, I'd never hold anything against someone who said something dumb while they were drunk (if it was a dumb lie), especially if she has so many other great qualities like you say. Give her an opportunity to come clean, if that's what it is. And on the other hand, if it is true, then I think you are right to want to know a small amount of detail--was this a past boyfriend, complete stranger, family member.... I think it would be hard to have a relationship with someone without knowing a little bit about a huge traumatic event in their life.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 07:46 PM   #11
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

I think she need more understanding, because her case is very sensitive and im sure until now she still not moving on. it still haunted her... the best way that you can do is let her feel that you are not her enemy, that you will stand for her until the end no matter what. i think in a right time she will do the move to open up with you. just be more patient. She is lucky to have you.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 09:20 PM   #12
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

I'd like to start off by mentioning that false rape reports are very rare. The most reliable statistical source I've seen states that it's estimated only 3% of reported rapes are fictitious. Yet, we seem to cling to this idea that this is a common lie any woman can, and will, come up with for her own devious reasons. Perhaps it's easier than accepting how random and frequent rape really is.

Many of the women you know have been raped. They probably haven't told you. There are a lot of reasons not to: they aren't sure they were raped (surprisingly common); they blame themselves; they don't want to think of themselves as a victim; they don't want to relive the experience; they don't think of the experience as a big deal; they don't want to accuse the abuser because they love him (and when the rapist is your boyfriend, or your brother, or your father, that happens more often than you'd expect); they don't think they'll be taken seriously... The point is, according to statistics (currenly 1 in 6 women, most before the age of 12) it happens all the time. Theoretically, anyone could lie about this, but all research done on it suggests that most women don't and it's more likely that she's telling the truth.

If you're someone that hasn't been raped, or had someone confess their rape to you before, I can see why this would seem like a big shock. However, a lot of women live with this, or the threat of it, on a daily basis. I don't see any reason to suspect her of lying. Rather, you should accept that this is a world you've been lucky enough to never have to deal with, and understand that she doesn't owe you any kind of explanation. You can't help her deal with this and it isn't your place to do that. If you really want to do something other than being there if she ever feels like talking again, I'd suggest researching how men can stop rape. Most men are not rapists, but most also don't understand how significant and present rape is in the daily lives of the women around them. If everyone were more aware, it might make the world that much of a better place.

Best wishes,

Hesione

 
Old 03-04-2011, 01:06 PM   #13
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

but remember also people lie about 'rape' for attention but dont even tell the police just the people in there area of where they live. also i agree with you alot of people have been raped but dont talk about it or report it. i am one of them. i just hope shes not lying but i agree totally about not pushing for her to open up. maybe inside shes in pain and revealed it when drunk then thought after i dont want to talk about it any furthur.

 
Old 03-06-2011, 08:01 AM   #14
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hesione View Post
I'd like to start off by mentioning that false rape reports are very rare. The most reliable statistical source I've seen states that it's estimated only 3% of reported rapes are fictitious.
Yea, but I'm sure this statistic relates to reported rapes--as in, reporting to some authority. There's really no way to track the number of times a woman lied one single time to another person, in order to get attention. I'm sure it happens. I've known people to tell some pretty outrageous lies before.

 
Old 03-06-2011, 08:42 AM   #15
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Re: Girl I've known for 26 years tells me she was raped... advice please

Thank you all for your replies. It seems like there are two differing opinions regarding this. I'm of the opinion that she wasn't lying, in all honesty. While I know that this does happen, it wouldn't be her style. I've decided to ask her about what she told me, but in a very easy way. I'm just going to throw it out there to her and let her make the decision as to whether or not she wants to talk about it. I'll post a reply when I see what she has to say. Thanks again everybody.

 
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