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Old 03-02-2011, 07:07 AM   #1
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Having older kids at home is tough!

I'm divorced, thier dad lives in another state and my kids are 19 and 22 (girl and boy), both full time college students. Both take advantage of me as much as possible and do as little as possible to help me out. Neither one seems to care that I work full time to keep our home and let them live a decent life while they are in school. My fear is that neither will leave when they graduate college and they will continue to live with me while socking away whatever money they can earn. I drive one of them to school every day and she never offers me gas money, although she does work. I know I should demand more from them but it's such a frustrating battle to fight. I've tried and it just brings me down. I've asked for money each month and then I have to remind them over and over and over for it when it's due and I get grief if I finally do get it. I feel like I've given up with them and I don't ask much of anything from them now. It's a very helpless kind of feeling. It's frustration and it makes me very sad to know that I've raised these two very unappreciative kids who don't give a thought to giving me any help at all. And not only that but one of them seems to go out of her way to make me feel guilty. Don't get me wrong, I love them both dearly and we do have some good times but that's all they seem to be in it for, the good times. They aren't around when I need help with the shoveling or the leaves or the trash or any other thing that needs to be done and they don't seem to care that I have to do it myself. I know it's my fault but is it too late? Am I just biding my time now?

 
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Old 03-02-2011, 09:25 AM   #2
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Re: Having older kids at home is tough!

Wow, this gives me an idea of what I may be into a few years hence, if you see what I mean. LOL

I think you need some more fun in your life.

Write on a piece of paper the weekly tasks for each of you and hang it somewhere visibly. Just do your part. Perhaps in the beginning you will have to learn to live with some mess around yourself (breathe in deeply), but I hope the mess will also affect them so they start to do something about it.

And as soon as possible, please, go away on a vacation ALONE and let them fend for themselves. Lock up your room and remind them politely and calmly that the house must be at least as clean and orderly as when you left it.

Go out with your friends as often as possible. Don't allow your good times to depend exclusively on them (your kids). Let them know that you, too, have an independent life from them.

Last edited by pendulum; 03-02-2011 at 09:26 AM.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 10:06 AM   #3
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Re: Having older kids at home is tough!

So many people have this same problem. At least they are working and going to school. My nephews 19 and 21 live with my mother and neither of them works or goes to school.

I don't have the answers but I feel for you.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 10:13 AM   #4
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Re: Having older kids at home is tough!

Thank you for the replies. And ya know, I have been thinking of doing just that...taking a vacation by myself. And I know they would be insulted for me not wanting them to go but I think if I have something planned for just me then it will give me that to look forward to.

And yeah, at least they have jobs (well one of them has a job) and go to school. I just hope that after my son graduates this year he will want to move in with some friends or do something other than live in my small house. I don't think I could ask him to leave but I wonder if I'm making it too easy for him to stay.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 11:37 AM   #5
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Re: Having older kids at home is tough!

Get them to fend for themselves full time too. Don't do their laundry, dishes, meals. Stop giving them lifts. Make them realize just what you do for them and hopefully they'll start to appreciate you more.

Try telling them if they want to treat your home as a hotel you'll be charging them hotel prices

 
Old 03-02-2011, 12:37 PM   #6
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Re: Having older kids at home is tough!

The more you do for them the less they do for themselves! If you expect nothing of them you'll get nothing! I don't have kids but I have tons of nieces and nephews and the ones whose parents expected them to take care of themselves and be something are the successful ones but the ones whose mother waited on them hand and foot...seriously are totally losers and they are much older than yours and still living at home and doing nothing.

And of course you can ask them to leave! Back in the day it just expected that once a kid grew up they LEFT and their parents didn't take care of them!
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Last edited by xpcandy; 03-02-2011 at 12:39 PM.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 12:38 PM   #7
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Re: Having older kids at home is tough!

I think we need a new word. Maybe kadult. My first thought was that you were going to be talking about a 14 and 16 year old. To me, that's an older "kid". So my first suggestion is to stop thinking of the two adults who are living under your roof as "kids". I'm not sure how you exactly do that but as long as they are thought of as kids they will continue to act like them. And they aren't kids anymore. Your living room is the only place that are still allowed the luxury of that status.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 01:08 PM   #8
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Re: Having older kids at home is tough!

And where did "kids" these days get the idea that money grows on trees? I have a 26 year old niece that doesn't work, doesn't go to school doesn't do anything and just cannot figure out that there's not some endless supply of money to go and buy whatever she wants. She thinks if she can't buy something, her Mother is being mean. Don't they teach math in school?
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Old 03-02-2011, 01:35 PM   #9
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Re: Having older kids at home is tough!

I could never understand WHY anyone would want to stay at home with their parents?? That is the whole point when you are done with highschool is to go out and explore the world an make something of yourself. I was under the unfortunate situation of moveing back into my parents house when I was 26 because of a job situation and I lost my apartment. I joined the military after 5 months. I have known parents who have kicked thier kids out of the house. But they were into drugs and doing stupid stuff. I would work on gettin them a job and then kicking them out. For now diff get them to help out around the house.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 01:54 PM   #10
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Re: Having older kids at home is tough!

Why do the kids not want to move out? Because it's not like when I was a kid, Mom was on me like stink on sh**! I had to be home at 10:00 I couldn't go do this I couldn't go do that. I could go to the mall and buy whatever I wanted to. I couldn't wait to get out of the house because it was like a prison. It's not like that anymore. Now days the kids are in charge of the house....they tell their parents what to do...why would they want to move out, they are living like kings and queens!
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Old 03-03-2011, 07:48 AM   #11
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Re: Having older kids at home is tough!

I dont think it is that way at all. The only reason they are in charge is because that parents have let them be. My dad was pretty ridicolous when I was growing up..it was like a minumum security prison. My freinds would always be like 'oh are you able to get out of prison this weekend'? My curfew was at 10:30 up until like the last couple weeks of my seinor year. BUt I was like every other kid who 'stayed' the night at a friends house with parents who didnt really care...and we would go out and party.

Last edited by waywardson; 03-03-2011 at 07:49 AM.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 01:42 PM   #12
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Re: Having older kids at home is tough!

CLAIRISA, I'm sorry to tell you, but something went wrong years and years ago. Kids don't just magically know and understand what it takes to be a responsible adult, to put a roof over your head and food on the table. Those are lessons that are taught from an early age.

Personally, I'd start enforcing some real rules around your house, which have serious consequences if they are not followed.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 02:25 PM   #13
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Re: Having older kids at home is tough!

I am still laughing and enjoying Resolutions new word- Kadult!

That is fantastic, after all we have tweens..the next step being kadult.

Have you ever just sat down with them and had a nice conversation where these things can be brought up? Where ever our kadults live, be it a home or away, they all need to be able to care for themselves, make good decisions and be a good roommate. Especially when living at home.

There can be so much fun and love when everyone is doing their part. I hope you can find a mature resolution to this and live a good life with your children before that are off on their own. Otherwise, even visits will be like work for you, and all fun for them.

 
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