This may seem like a stupid question but I need some external input.
I've been in a pretty complicated relationship with a guy for about 3 years. It's complicated in that we've been friends, friends with "benefits", and attempted very short spans of "dating". He told me a few times intermittently that he didn't want to date me and as much as I wanted to, I let it go. I valued having him as my friend more, even though I secretly wanted it to go further. I call it "dating" because while we were in a more romantic relationship he seemed to shut down and grow very distant from me. We stopped communicating as much as we did while we weren't formally boyfriend and girlfriend and it sucked because I felt like he was shutting me out. Once the titles of bf/gf were there, he became a total stranger.
He seemed very angry with me all the time and we fought often. As though he resented me.
I found out both times after having huge blow out fights and breaking up that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me at all. His words. He did not say this in anger during the fight, but told me it was the reason behind his immediately pulling away from me once the situation had changed.
I've always had feelings for him and have wanted more with him for very long, but he's never really had inclinations to take things beyond friendship (or friends with "benefits"). I found out later too that he'd talk to the people around me (my sister, close friends) about how he didn't want to be with me but they never told me because they didn't think it was their place.
About a month ago we tried the dating thing for the second time and it didn't last even a week this time. He started to shut me down and flat out refused to be affectionate with me and to basically communicate with me honestly (telling me much later that he never wanted to date me and never had any inclinations to be affectionate with me. Basically that he didn't have those kind of feelings for me at all). I got sick of it and sensed he was being dishonest and ended the relationship before it got worse. We remained friends and continued the sexual relationship randomly.
Our friendship, if I can even call it that, aside from the sexual stuff has often seemed like we were bf/gf.
I've noticed in myself over time that I have odd reactions to him. I'm very willing to please him and will do just about anything to keep him in my life. I know this is bad, but this is my problem and not necessarily a relationship problem. Or is it?
I also notice that being around him makes me incredibly anxious and that when we go for too long without seeing one another or communicating somehow, I get very depressed and anxious and lonely.
These things are not normal but I don't know if I'm caught up in a dysfunctional relationship with this guy and should just get out. I care about him a lot and he's not abusive or cruel or anything like that. On some level he cares a lot about me too. We did try to break off our friendship too but it was too painful for both of us and we couldn't do it.
He's never really pursued any other serious relationships with other women and I've never been in any other relationships either.
I don't know what to do. Is it all just me? Is this dysfunctional?
Yes it is dysfunctional. The fact that he dated you and wouldn't even be kind to you is a sign that he really wasn't interested in you and doesn't even sound like that nice of a guy to do that to anybody. He has repeatedly expressed a disinterest in seeing you romantically, and he probably keeps seeing you because he knows you will have sex with him and settle for that instead of having a real relationship. It's probably that that he values more than the "friendship." I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but I think you need a wakeup call. He isn't good to you. You need someone who treats you well all the time and who is willing to commit to you.
yeah it is dysfunctional. i think you should give up and move on i really do as in all honesty (even though it may hurt) theres no future for you and him hes just having his cake and eating it. dont you want someone new who is fully into you ? who can give you more than just benefits and on/off dating.
He's made it quite clear he doesn't want a relationship with you other than sex. You, on the other hand, have always had feelings for him and want more.
Friends with benefits never works when one of you wants more than the other, and you are only going to get hurt in the end.
You need to walk away, this is not healthy. You shouldn't have to do everything you can to keep someone in your life, especially when it means letting him use you.
How are you going to feel when the right woman for him comes along and he breaks all ties with you? The whole time you are "with" him you are cutting yourself off from all the other possibilities of having a normal, healthy relationship.
He's never been abusive or cruel? Really? He just used you for sex, lying to you and pretending to be in a relationship with you, knowing how you felt about him and taking advantage of it, just for the sex, while going behind your back and telling your friends and family that he didn't really love you, or want to be with you. Being cold and distant and playing mind games instead of just being honest with you. You don't think that was cruel? Then I guess you and I have different definition of cruel and abusive.
Look at it this way. What if this guy were a woman friend of yours? And instead of sex, it was shopping or some other activity that you guys both love and do together, and all other things were equal. Is this a woman you would consider a true friend? Is this someone you would consider genuine, honest, respectful, with your best interests at heart?
I don't think you love this guy as much as you're emotionally dependent on him, for all the wrong reasons. Yes, I'd say this is a very unhealthy relationship. You will never get what you really want out of this guy, and as long as you are wasting your time with him, you will never be free to find a nice, great guy who really DOES want to be in a relationship with you and who really could love you in a way this guy has made very clear he never will. I think you need to start dealing with this by asking yourself some hard questions. You need to sit down and figure out why you are selling yourself so short, why you don't want love, or are afraid to find real love, or maybe don't think you deserve to be loved. Why are you chasing this guy around like a love-sick puppy dog when you know you'll never get what you want from him, and the more he kicks you to the curb, the more you chase after him. Is that really how you see yourself? How you WANT to see yourself? is that who you really are, or want to be?
A good relationship is 2 way street. If he is not that nice to you, maybe he does not really want to date you. Sometimes people may date because there is no one else available yet. The thing is, either way, he and you need to be open about it and make it mutual or it is not fair to you.
It is hard to break it up and form a new relationship later, but at least you should make sure it is 2-way and that he respects you as well.
Last edited by ninamarc; 03-10-2011 at 07:22 PM.
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It sounds to me as though you are struggling to hang on to something that just isn't there and something you wish was there. It's just not there.
When a man really likes a woman, he respects her and treats her right. When he really likes her and cares about her it's not mostly about sex and especially it wouldn't be friends with benefits.
I think you are stuck in a rut and need to just get out of it and move on. Yes, it is dysfunctional and very unhealthy for you.
You would be better off finding yourself and what you want in life while just being single. One day a man who appreciates you for YOU and cares about your feelings may come along. A man who knows how to treat a lady and respects her.
Hope this helps.
If you expect the unexpected do you get what you expected if what you get is unexpected?
Last edited by chocolate29; 03-11-2011 at 02:13 PM.
Reason: fixed a word