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Old 03-02-2011, 08:46 PM   #1
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What is this?

So I posted a little while ago about a guy I was seeing that after a few months told me that he did not want a relationship. It hurt and I was disappointed.

But I had to accept it right? So I backed off. Well he wants to continue things as they are. He still wants to text and talk all day, share his life with me and date as friends.

I thought well he is two hours away... I can take the time and space I need. I stop calling and returning texts. In response, he came on stronger. If I don't answer the third text he starts calling. If I ignore the calls, I get voicemails and the next morning calls and texts. Not stalkerish, just "hey what happened must have fell asleep on me, etc"

I like this guy and I know its not going any where. What kind of game is this? I have been clear on my expectations and wants. I was as clear about wanting a relationship as he was about not wanting a relationship. We have not slept together since.

He calls to tell me that he is coming into town this weekend. On one hand I know that I want to see him and on the other hand, I know I shouldn't.

I have had friends with benefits relations before and I never had this type. We talk about everything we watch tv and just real cool. He still wants to have sex with me. Prior FWB, there really wasn't a friendship just sex. No long phone conversations, no plans. Is it possible to be friends with benefits with a guy you started off liking as a possible boyfriend?

 
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Old 03-02-2011, 08:52 PM   #2
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Re: What is this?

sounds like he wants to remain friends with benefits. thats what i think. i think hes keeping you around so then you dont move on to meet someone new and decent.

 
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Old 03-03-2011, 12:21 AM   #3
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Re: What is this?

If you still have feelings for him and want to have a relationship with him then FWB is not going to work. You'll end up getting hurt. He still wants sex with you but no relationship, and while you have feelings for him it will be easier for him to persuade you into doing things his way.

This friendship is too unbalanced to be healthy for you.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 07:19 AM   #4
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Re: What is this?

He doesn't sound like he respects your space very much. He can't get a clue and leave you be when you don't return his texts. the tone of his messages may not be stalker-ish, but the mere fact that he calls and texts over and over when he doesn't reach you the first time does indicate some controlling behavior. He wants all the comfort, intimacy and convenience of a relationship, but none of the responsibility.

I think it would be a bad idea to continue this relationship, and certainly a mistake sleeping with him again when he comes this weekend. You'll only end up disappointed.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 08:39 PM   #5
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Re: What is this?

Have you asked him to stop contacting you?

I agree that trying to have an FWB with someone you have feelings for will backfire BIG TIME for you. You do realize that lots of women get into FWB arrangements because they hope that if they are so cool and so fun to be with and so good at sex the guy will change his mind and make them his GF. And he NEVER does, because guys don't get into FWB situations with women they have true feelings for. If they have real feelings they get into real relationships, not an FWB. And the woman with the feelings ends up getting dumped when the guy gets a REAL GF, and then she feels horrible about herself. Don't do it.

 
Old 03-04-2011, 01:19 PM   #6
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Re: What is this?

imagine that hes stood infront of you , finished his bedroom business with you and he says to your face ''your nothing to me but sex''. well hes actually thinking that. you deserve much much better than him.

 
Old 03-04-2011, 01:37 PM   #7
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Re: What is this?

he will continue as long as you allow it.....

 
Old 03-05-2011, 08:32 AM   #8
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Re: What is this?

Everything you have said is everything I know and have thought in my head a million times.

How do you align your feelings with the logic in your head?

Friday night went well. I stayed in and went to bed. Missed his call and his text.

I just need to get it out of my head and do things for me right now. Its going to take a minute for the feelings to go away. I don't know why I even connected to this guy so hard. I have been single and dating for over 2 years and before it was easy to move on when I realized the situation wasn't for me.

I don't understand myself sometimes. I could tell him not to contact me and cut the contact. I am just not strong enough yet to do so.

Thanks for letting me vent it out and thanks for the advice. I am listening just having trouble applying

 
Old 03-05-2011, 09:03 AM   #9
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Re: What is this?

You have to care about yourself more than you care about allowing this guy to use you for sex.

You know that he isn't suddenly going to declare his love for you and say he wants you two to be BF/GF, right? And you know allowing him to use you for sex is going to make you feel awful, right?

If you've been dating around then obviously you are an attractive woman who can attract better, commitment-minded men who actually like you and not just certain parts of your body. Hold out and value yourself enough to believe you deserve the full package, not just some guy who uses you to satisfy himself.

 
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Old 03-05-2011, 09:51 AM   #10
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Re: What is this?

If you're not strong enough to cut all contact, just tell yourself every time he contacts you that all he wants is sex, and that you are worth more than that.

 
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Old 03-06-2011, 06:25 PM   #11
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Re: What is this?

"What is this?"

It's treating someone like ****.

I think once you find someone kind who cares about you, you will be able to forget him very easily. Try to get out to meet some nice guys. And take it slow until you know it's real and he loves you.

 
Old 03-07-2011, 03:43 PM   #12
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Re: What is this?

thanks guys

 
Old 03-07-2011, 04:01 PM   #13
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Re: What is this?

I met him during a very hard time in my life. I was struggling so hard with finances and job loss. I lost my place to live and was just going through. I lost my god-mom who was like my own mother who passed away unexpectly. I really needed a good friend and boom I met him.

He just came off as that good friend. He has had similar experiences and was really good to me.

I don't know if I wanted a relationship for real or was just having a case of hero worship. I almost think that I wanted a relationship just because he said he didn't. If that makes any sense.

As the days go on, its getting better and I'm getting clearer. I went back to work and that helps. This past weekend was like when we first met. We went dancing and had a great time without having sex. We laughed and laughed.

I asked him what was it about me that he didn't want a relationship with me. He said it wasn't me that it was he just doesn't want a relationship with anybody. He said he can't give me what I want right now. He likes me and if we never have sex again he is okay with that. He wants to be my friend. Now what that means - we will wait and see.

 
Old 03-07-2011, 04:42 PM   #14
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Re: What is this?

why you in contact with him anyway? he treat you like **** and will do again. i think you'll get hurt again. be careful.

 
Old 03-07-2011, 06:41 PM   #15
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Re: What is this?

Yes, but what will happen when he starts rubbing your back, or gives you a nice kiss and says he just wants to hold you...then next thing you know he's trying to have sex with you. Do you trust yourself to resist?

 
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