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Old 03-03-2011, 08:49 AM   #1
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Post Insecurities, irrational thoughts of him cheating, etc.

This site is amazing, seriously. Seeing that I'm not alone in the boards that I'm posting in makes me feel like theres still some good people in the world that would like to help. So, I'm in need of help here. This might be a bit long, but honestly, there is so much back story to this to be able to understand that its almost necessary. Please stick around and give this a read, you have no idea how much it would mean to me..

So, my boyfriend and I have been friends for almost 4 years now, we've been dating for a little over 10 months. When I met him, we were just friends ( I had liked him and thought he was extremely attractive ). We both had significant others at the time, mine was a 1 year long distance relationship (at the time we met) and his was a year relationship with this horrible, horrible girl.

We hung out every so often, even though I kept my feelings to myself, his girlfriend still did not like me. I was nothing but nice to her, we had the same eating disorder so i thought that would kinda connect us a bit more and possibly start a friendship. Nope. She was in and out of the hospital for her eating disorder and suicide 'attempts'. Her and my boyfriend's relationship was such a rocky one, they were constantly fighting, she would hit him, verbally abuse him, cheat and leave him more times than I've ever seen someone cheat on one person.. And I was there.

I was there for him whenever she was in the hospital. We'd go out to the park, river, hang out with his/our friends, everything was pretty great. And when she back, i was out. She refused to let him talk to me. I kinda said whatever about that because I knew he had to have some kinda feelings for me or else he wouldn't come back and talk to me every time she went away. flashing forward a year or so, we were both having major problems in our relationships and slept together. It felt incredible. It felt right. And from that night on I knew I was in love with him. I broke up with my boyfriend and stayed single for a while, he didn't leave her but was at my house practically every night complaining about her, saying how he wanted to get out but couldn't. I would give him advice, what I thought about everything, night after night, he'd stand outside my window and I'd stand on my bed and lean out and talk to him for hours. I thought he would never get out, so I was pretty hurt and stopped talking to him for about 6-10 months. I avoided his calls, didn't answer texts and tried to be with other people. That didn't work.

To flashing forward to about a year ago now we started talking again ( 3-4 months before we started dating ) He finally broke up with her, and told me he wanted to be with me. There were a lot of long discussions, and quite a few problems. There was another one of my friends that i was thinking about starting something with, so it turned into mass confusion for me. Because of how many times my current boyfriend and his ex girlfriend broke up and got back together I didn't want to start a relationship with him, then have him up and leave me for her. I was terrified. All the while I was still in love with him as much as the night we had sex. I was very cautious and drug out and took my time, seeing who would be a better choice for me, we fought about me 'toying' with the both of them, and i agree, i was wrong for leading both of them on at the same time. But, in the end I started a relationship with my current boyfriend last April.

The first couple of months were perfect. I was not worried, we spent every day together, she was out. I was in. After maybe 3-4 months I started worrying he was seeing her without me knowing, so I had peeked at his phone and saw his text messages with her. It was always her, me , her, me, her, me.. The thing that got me was how he worded what he said. He'd always see if she wanted to talk face to face, get coffee, whatever. I imploded. I saw imminent doom in my future, thinking he was going to get back with her again. They had a huge fight where his ex and her boyfriend at the time found out that she wasn't over my boyfriend. Drama ensued and they stopped talking for a while. Now more recently she'll text him every so often and that just sparks my insecurities.

So now I come to my irrational thoughts. I make up these absolutely ridiculous scenarios in my head about him leaving, cheating, sneaking off to see her, getting back together with her, etc. They haven't been as frequent as they used to be but they're still there. I also have major jealousy issues when it comes to pornography and other females. Thats another long story from my long distance relationship, but to make it short, he chose to look at other women over me when I was right there and willing. I expressed to my boyfriend how much it bothers me and how i don't feel useful and attractive unless he wants the real thing. Recently he said he stopped watching it, but no matter how hard I try I'm having such a hard time believing and trusting him because thats what i was told, swore, and promised in my previous long distance relationship. Though I'm afraid he's going to start watching it again due to medical things that are wrong with me right now since we haven't been intimate that often recently.

To end, I'm in dire need to figure out what I need to do to stop thinking like this. How do i fix myself? Its doing pretty heavy, almost irreparable damage to our relationship. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I personally messed up the best relationship I've ever had. One of the only ones who hasn't cheated on me by this point. He does practically everything for me, he loves me unconditionally, does cute things for me, he calls me his wife, he wants kids with me, he wants a future with me. Please help me salvage the only good thing I have going for me in my life. I don't know how much longer I cant take being jealous and insecure. I don't know how much longer he can bear with me on these issues either. I've tried everything I can think of. I'm getting caught in quick sand and I'm tired and cant struggle to get out anymore.

If you've actually read to this point.. Thank you. Thank you so much. Even if you don't post, getting this all out is just a relief to me. Knowing that someone has read my practically small novel, haha, is nice to know. thank you <3

 
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Old 03-03-2011, 09:40 AM   #2
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Re: Insecurities, irrational thoughts of him cheating, etc.

To be honest, I didn't read your whole post because the background become irrelevant once you demonstrate a repeated pattern of dysfunction, which you do, here. None of the "long nights spent talking" about stuff is going to change the fact that this is really unhealthy.

It's pretty clear what you need to do, here. But the question is whether you want a chance at happiness for real or if you want to keep riding that same merry go round with this guy which will be nothing but drama 100% of the time. The choice is up to you.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 09:46 AM   #3
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Re: Insecurities, irrational thoughts of him cheating, etc.

It's difficult to tell you what to do. This is a very personal decision, anyway. But it's easy to see that you are in need of help to overcome your insecurities.

A couple of things you said in your post stick out to me:

a) "Now more recently she'll text him every so often and that just sparks my insecurities." What is going on here? Are your boyfriend and his ex still in touch with each other? If so, not all your thoughts are purely irrational. You do have reasons to be concerned.

b) "One of the only ones who hasn't cheated on me by this point." What do you mean? Do you think that it is only a question of time for him to cheat on you? In this case, this doesn't make a healthy relationship for you guys at all.

c) "Please help me salvage the only good thing I have going for me in my life."
Don't say so, please. Don't put all your eggs in this one basket. I mean, if the goodness of your life depends only on having your current boyfriend, I think it's high time you looked for ways to expand your goals. Love matters, of course, but there are also other things in life that shouldn't be neglected. You get my drift, don't you?

To me, it feels like your relationship with him is still shaky, and not only because of your natural insecurities. I don't think he is giving you the feedback that you need to feel ok.

Don't get me wrong, but I don't much like his calling you his wife. Maybe it is a silly thing of me, but wife not only should be reserved for the actual wife or
cohabitator (unless you are already living together), but also it is somewhat formal and unaffectionate.

On second thoughts, not you need to be fixed, but this relationship needs to be fixed, and you may need the help of a mediator to ensure an effective dialogue between you guys.

Last edited by pendulum; 03-03-2011 at 10:08 AM.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 09:49 AM   #4
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Re: Insecurities, irrational thoughts of him cheating, etc.

get rid of the relationship and stay single (by yourself)
that's the only way to ease your mind....
most relationships aren't worth the aggrivation, and this is one of them.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 10:09 AM   #5
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Re: Insecurities, irrational thoughts of him cheating, etc.

pendulum-

a.) yes, they're still in touch, any time they talk she always wants to "catch up with him face to face" Or any time I ask to be there she says never mind. It feels irrational to me because she treated him so bad that I don't understand why he would even want to acknowledge she exists. His reason: "She was a big part of my life." I cut off all communication with my ex of 3 years, and he was a big part of my life, so I just don't understand his reasoning..

b.) I didn't mean for it to sound like it was a matter of time, so much as he is the only one that hasn't cheated on me. Every other relationship that I have been serious with has ended up with me being cheated on by the 6 month mark, me and him are up to 10 so I just feel shaky that it'll be the same as every one else and I need to kick that thought process.

c.) As for him being the only good thing in my life, a lot is going wrong right now as far as medical problems, job problems, things at home, etc. So him being the only thing that hasn't dive bombed into the ground as of recently is how i meant to project that sentence. I'm trying to get a better job because of money problems, and possibly start college so I do have priorities but he's whats keeping me going right now.


As for the wife thing, to us it is very affectionate, I call him my husband, because we honestly do want to get married but its all a matter of time and hoping everything works out how we plan it. Once we get some bills paid off we're going to be moving in together hopefully by summer time.

Thank you for your thoughts i really appreciate it :]. I don't think we'll be using one of our friends as a mediator but soon I am hoping to start seeing my therapist for some problems and maybe she could help with that.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 10:14 AM   #6
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Re: Insecurities, irrational thoughts of him cheating, etc.

Rosequartz-

Please don't take this the wrong way, i value your opinion but we worked very hard to get to where we are, he hasn't given up on me with all my insecurities and such, and I'm not going to give up on him for a couple of problems. There has to be another way. This isn't an aggravating relationship, its a great relationship other than those couple of things. There are some days where I get more insecure then other days I'm okay. I just want some help getting over this hill so I can have a better relationship with him, not get rid of him completely.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 10:31 AM   #7
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Re: Insecurities, irrational thoughts of him cheating, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LYAFY View Post
Rosequartz-

but we worked very hard to get to where we are, he hasn't given up on me with all my insecurities and such, and I'm not going to give up on him for a couple of problems.
"WE" worked very hard? or you worked very hard.....
if he was really working hard, he wouldn't be communicating with his ex-girlfriend by text, email, or any other way....

 
Old 03-03-2011, 10:39 AM   #8
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Re: Insecurities, irrational thoughts of him cheating, etc.

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
"WE" worked very hard? or you worked very hard.....
if he was really working hard, he wouldn't be communicating with his ex-girlfriend by text, email, or any other way....
He's done a lot else for me though, I can't say he's done nothing in the relationship to make me feel better because i would be lying. I feel like his ex girlfriend when I tell him to not talk to her, so all I can really say is that it doesn't make me comfortable. I don't want to put restraints on him but what else can i do? I don't want to be like her, and I don't want her to think that I think he'll leave me for her. (Makes me feel like she wins, and she does NOT deserve to win.)

I feel like I'm in the wrong here. Am I?

 
Old 03-03-2011, 10:55 AM   #9
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Re: Insecurities, irrational thoughts of him cheating, etc.

you're making excuses for a guy who isn't meeting your needs
you're uncomfortable with him in contact with his ex-girlfriend and you need to make that clear to him. if he's not willing to stop contact, you have to decide if he's the guy for you
a guy who is "working very hard" at a relationship doesn't do things that make his girlfriend uncomfortable

 
Old 03-03-2011, 11:08 AM   #10
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Re: Insecurities, irrational thoughts of him cheating, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
you're making excuses for a guy who isn't meeting your needs
you're uncomfortable with him in contact with his ex-girlfriend and you need to make that clear to him. if he's not willing to stop contact, you have to decide if he's the guy for you
a guy who is "working very hard" at a relationship doesn't do things that make his girlfriend uncomfortable

But is it wrong for me to tell him to stop talking to her all together? Isn't that being controlling? They don't talk every day, its maybe twice-three times a month tops, but thats enough to set me off :< I stopped talking to my exes out of choice, I knew I was never going to be able to be friends with them for what they did. But his relationship with her was pretty terrible too, I've been trying to figure out why i could cut communication even though it hurt me but he can't, or chooses not to.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 12:22 PM   #11
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Re: Insecurities, irrational thoughts of him cheating, etc.

I think, because so many people do this guy or girl, that he's just keeping her on the backburner just in case things don't work out for you two. Since he got with you right after they broke up, maybe he's one of those guys that always needs a relationship, and therefore always has someone in mind in the back of his head. He prob. knows she would take him back as well. Sometimes bad relationships are addicting albeit unhealthy. He could well be doing this without still thinking about her all the time and without being unhappy with you.

If you tell him to cut all contact with her, I don't think that's being ridiculously controlling at all. Ridiculously controlling would be if you were forbidding him from hanging out with any girls whatsoever. This is someone he had a deep relationship with, and there's no way you can go from being long-time lovers to friends in a few months. It's just not possible, so you have a right to be bothered by this and try to put a stop to it.

 
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