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Old 03-06-2011, 01:46 AM   #1
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Husband stays up till the morning,when the kids and I are up

To be brief because I don't know who to talk to, my husband sleeps at 5,6 or 7am, while I sleep before him, (not too early to "try" to get in some quality time. we have two young children. So I have to be up with them at 7am. by the time he's up at 3 or 4pm, im drained, he's slept through most of the children's day (they sleep at 7-8pm), and i'm exhausted and feel alone.

I hate going to bed alone. Even when we have a date night, go out and have dinner, or watch a movie, he'll "tuck" me into bed like a baby and then head to his man cave and go online or play video games. I've told him that I don't mind him playing in bed, bringing his laptop in bed, even watching tv in bed. I just want him to be near me. I also told him a million times how i hate having different times than he does. how unhealthy it is etc.

He's had a rough year but he's been like that since we got married, over 7 yrs ago. Its not what I like, I expect to be insync with my husband, sleep in bed together (Which will help out sexlife) and wake up at the same time. I don't remember when's the last time we actually had our morning coffee's together. its making me feel very distant. And the fact that a simple request like that (even allowing him to smoke in bed next to me) and he never follows through, makes me wonder if he really gives a damn? he promises he will change but some how comes up with excuses or says he's sorry.

I'm getting tired of this. Both of us are not working now. But I dont think he can have a job that requires him to be up in the morning and sleep at night.

I've walked into his "mancave" many times at 6am right before the kids r up to find him passed out on his chair infront of his computer (he also drinks and smokes weed).

I don't want to leave him because i do love him, i hope he loves me too but i can only take this for so much longer, we have two kids involved. I don't know what to do

 
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Old 03-06-2011, 02:31 AM   #2
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Re: Husband stays up till the morning,when the kids and I are up

This is a tough one. If I remember well, this is not the first time you posted about the disharmony between your husband and you.

The problem is that you want to fix this, but he apparently doesn't. He doesn't listen to you!

I understand your reasons to be concerned, not only for yourself (sex life) and your kids (absent father?), but also for his own health: a man who has no job, drinks, smokes weed and seems to be - sorry for this - a couch potato, is putting a very heavy toll on his heart, to say the least.

In the first place, he must get back to work. There must be something in this world that he likes to do and is good at. So what is holding him back? Lack of jobs? Who or what is the source that is footing your expenses? What if this source runs dry?

If he doesn't listen to you, do you think he would listen to a friend, to a relative, to a doctor? Engage someone to help you.

Anyway, you still have the option - not the best one, I know - to live your life for yourself. Can you get a part-time job? Can you go out by yourself or with your friends to have some fun? Show to him that you can also live and "be happy" without him, so maybe this will wake him up.

 
Old 03-06-2011, 09:23 AM   #3
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Re: Husband stays up till the morning,when the kids and I are up

The weed and booze won't keep him up all night. I bet he's doing more than weed and drinking. Have you found any evidence of any other drugs? Like small ziplock baggies, mirrors, a rolled up dollar bill? Or any pills?

I ask because I've known people who stayed up all night & slept all day & they were all doing some kind of drug.

I hope it's not that. But if he sleeps all day what does he do that is productive? Housework, the cooking, grocery shopping, washes the car, yardwork, anything?

If you are worried about the effect splitting up would have on the kids, imagine what they think about having a stoned dad who sleeps all day.

Last edited by CadenceA; 03-06-2011 at 09:24 AM.

 
Old 03-06-2011, 11:01 AM   #4
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Re: Husband stays up till the morning,when the kids and I are up

I feel really bad for you and for all of the women in your position. It seems like you have been having similar problems for years and you have been trying to do things to fix it and you've been asking for help and nothing is changing or getting any better. I've never been married and thankfully I don't have any kids, but I would think that if I were in your position,I would be asking myself, how many more years are you going to keep trying and keep trying while he just sits there and does nothing? He is just like this lump of goo that just sits there and doesn't care about anyone or anything except living inside his own pity party. Since he has refused to admit that he has a problem, and he refuses to get help for his problem, there is nothing you can do to fix it.

I think it's time for you to start looking at your options. All of the trying that you have done has gotten you nowhere, I just don't see any other option here besides a separation. Who knows, maybe that will snap him out of this and make him want to fight for his marriage and his family. Or maybe it won't, in which case what's the point of staying married to someone who doesn't care anymore?

Last edited by Kszan; 03-06-2011 at 11:09 AM.

 
Old 03-06-2011, 04:46 PM   #5
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Re: Husband stays up till the morning,when the kids and I are up

i just want you to know that i went through this with my boyfriend and still am but not as bad now. he stayed up ALL night on his xbox and i told him how i am sick of it and now he makes time to come to bed with me and watch a movie cuddle up and goto sleep together, we have no kids together but he has 2 from previous who come on a weekend.

i know its harder for you as your married and have kids together but if you have tried soooo hard to change things and nothings worked do you ever really see it changing? he is not listening to you and it doesnt look like hes ever going to. how long till you finally snap and say enoughs enough? because this is your life and your only one life and it seems your wasting it been with someone who clearly doesnt care enough to even make a small bit of effort.

Last edited by cryingforever; 03-06-2011 at 04:46 PM.

 
Old 03-06-2011, 05:16 PM   #6
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Re: Husband stays up till the morning,when the kids and I are up

hi I agree with pendulum, this is a tough one indeed. my question is how was he before you married? also, how does a family of four survive when nobody is working? from a male's perspective, I've a couple things I would do if this were my wife. first off, I'd dimantle the "mancave" I'd turn it into our bedroom.second,I'd have the internet disconnected! if he can't work during the day and sleep at night? maybe he can work at night? he needs to be doing something to provide for his family! I know people say we must compromise, sometimes we cant compromise that hasn't worked as of yet. the drinking and smoking weed must stop! it's time to grow up, be a man, and take responsibility for the family he has helped create. you cannot enable him to continue his actions with the compromise of allowing him to smoke beside you in bed. compromising only works when both sides agree and adhear to the compromise. he isn't doing that, personaly, I'd offer no more compromises. and only one ultimatum. onr morning when he comes out of the "mancave" to go to bed and sleep all day. I'd have two things in front of the door well 3 things.... a suitcase with a weeks of clothes, on top of that a linvhbag, along with a note saying "take your pick". let him walk the pavement looking for a job till he finds one. I know the economy is bad all over the world even here in the United States, but I know a lot of people, and nobody I know doesn't have a job who wants to work. he can find a job somewhere doing something if he wants to? over 7 years of honeymoon is just way too long!

sometimes you just have to put your foot down

just my own opinions: good luck and god bless

Larry/coupe
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Old 03-06-2011, 08:43 PM   #7
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Re: Husband stays up till the morning,when the kids and I are up

Sounds like your husband has many addictions. Smoking weed and cigs. And a major life consuming internet addition. What does he do all night on the computer.Is if gaming or worse adult chat rooms ect?
Its time for a change .I would have the talk lay down some rules and give him some time to make changes. if he doesn't then its time for you to make some major changes.. How do you live if neither of you work. How on earth can he afford cigs,weed and internet??

 
Old 03-07-2011, 12:55 AM   #8
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Re: Husband stays up till the morning,when the kids and I are up

You don't have a marriage, what you have is an inconsiderate room mate who doesn't pull his weight. What exactly is there to love about this selfish man?

The only way you could possible change this situation is by taking control and putting your foot down. Even then he might not change. Is there anywhere you can stay for a few days? Tell him that you're leaving and if he doesn't make some serious changes then you're not coming back.

You don't say if your children are boys or girls. This is teaching them that it is acceptable to act this way. Any boys you have will think it's ok to do what their dad does, have no respect for their partner and not have much involvement in their own kids lives. Any girls will grow up thinking that they have to let their partner do whatever they want to the detriment of themselves. Is this really what you want for your kids?

 
Old 03-07-2011, 06:58 AM   #9
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Re: Husband stays up till the morning,when the kids and I are up

You can't put up with it anymore. It is as simple as that. He isn't going to change. He is acting like a 14 year old boy, not a man. I have seen 14 year old boys who were much more responsible than he is. He is not being a husband to you in even the most basic of ways. You have to take control of your life and your children's lives by leaving him. Get rid of him for good. He is offering you nothing.

 
Old 04-02-2011, 04:42 AM   #10
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Re: Husband stays up till the morning,when the kids and I are up

Hi

It's been a while since I spoke to you hope you are okay? Mancave that's a good name for it my BF goes in there locks himself away after lo goes to sleep. Still go to bed on my own and when I wake up he stills in not good at all.

I was saying how are you my friend the other day and he soon got the message and switched round and came to bed. We had a laugh and a hug as we are having financial issues.

Now when he goes in there he says I won't be long but the time he comes to bed I am sleeping.

 
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