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Old 03-06-2011, 06:12 PM   #1
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Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

Here is the story -

I have a friend who was already dating someone when I met him. But it turns out we had a lot in common and we became really close. We would go hiking together (his gf doesn't like hiking) we both play musical instruments and like the same music. We can sit and talk for hours on end and have the best time ever without anything going on between us. We text/call each other everyday.

So, one day after he took a trip with his girl, he sends me a message saying that she broke up with him - for no good reason other than she didn't feel she should be in a relationship. Or something to that effect.

We started hanging out more, and I think one of the reasons was for him to keep her out of his mind, since she kept calling him anyway. He was still in love with her.

Then we went out once and drank a little too much. We are both able to handle alcohol and neither one of us was too drunk. Just to the effect that inhibitions were left at the door when we came back to his place. He said he wanted to kiss me and I was all for it. We ended up sleeping together, but afterwards he told me not to get attached because he still had feelings for this girl and didn't want me to be hurt.

I was wondering if you guys think it was just an "accident", or do you think he is attracted to me since he initiated it? I don't really want to be a rebound affair, and I don't want to loose his friendship. But if this led to something more, I would not mind it one bit As the truth is, I've had feeling (that I have never acted on) for him for quite a while...

 
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Old 03-06-2011, 06:21 PM   #2
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

I think if he's telling you honestly that he's not ready for a serious relationship, you should believe him.
He's probably not over his previous relationship yet.
If you're willing to accept a "friends with benefits" role in his life, you're free to keep having sex with him, if he's willing.
But don't assume it will become more than that, and don't make it out to be more than that in your mind, or you will be disappointed.
He gave you fair warning.

Best of luck.

 
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Old 03-06-2011, 06:25 PM   #3
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

Oh, I know this... I was just wondering if this fits the "he's using me" or the "he is attracted to me" category lol

Like I said, I don't want to be a rebound. So I'd give him some time anyway. I don't think friends with benefits right now is a good idea either. When he's ready, maybe.

Basically, do guys just sleep with someone for no reason, or would there have to be something else there? I don't mean love (I know he cares for me a lot, at least as a friend) but an attraction. Would a guy sleep with someone he is not into at all?

Last edited by grayblue; 03-06-2011 at 06:30 PM.

 
Old 03-06-2011, 07:08 PM   #4
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

I don't think he's "using you".
I think you were there and you comforted him when he was feeling down.
whether it will turn into anything, time will tell....

 
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Old 03-06-2011, 07:10 PM   #5
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by grayblue View Post
Basically, do guys just sleep with someone?

Would a guy sleep with someone he is not into at all?
Yes, they would sleep with someone for no reason who he is not into at all. They do it ALL the time. You should never assume that if a guy sleeps with you that he is interested in you for anything more.

If you assume he likes you just because he slept with you, you'll be very disappointed.

 
Old 03-06-2011, 07:21 PM   #6
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

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Yes, they would sleep with someone for no reason who he is not into at all. They do it ALL the time. You should never assume that if a guy sleeps with you that he is interested in you for anything more.

If you assume he likes you just because he slept with you, you'll be very disappointed.
Hmmm... I don't know. Men or women, I think you need something to turn you on. No? This is why I am hoping some guys will answer this.

I assume he likes me because we've been friends for over a year.
And really, the day we slept together we talked for FOUR HOURS before anything happened. This is not a guy I just met and was trying to get in my pants. This is someone I can tell anything and that will talk to me about everything.
So yes, he likes me.

I just want to know if this whole thing means there is a mutual attraction as well (ie. he doesn't see me just as a pal or a sister, but also as a woman). That's all

 
Old 03-06-2011, 07:27 PM   #7
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

My answer still stands. I've been in your situation a couple of times and I know many women who have been in the same situation, as well. In all of our situations, the guy was a longtime friend with whom we felt like we connected on a deeper level before sleeping together. But nothing ever came of it in any of our situations. Except that all 4 of us girls got our heart broken because we thought our guy friends wanted more cause they slept with us. I'll never make that mistake again and I'm trying to help you to not make that mistake, too. You can either listen to me and my friends' experience or you can proceed as you are and get hurt. It's up to you but if I were you, I'd listen to me.

 
Old 03-06-2011, 07:36 PM   #8
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

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My answer still stands. I've been in your situation a couple of times and I know many women who have been in the same situation, as well. In all of our situations, the guy was a longtime friend with whom we felt like we connected on a deeper level before sleeping together. But nothing ever came of it in any of our situations. Except that all 4 of us girls got our heart broken because we thought our guy friends wanted more cause they slept with us. I'll never make that mistake again and I'm trying to help you to not make that mistake, too. You can either listen to me and my friends' experience or you can proceed as you are and get hurt. It's up to you but if I were you, I'd listen to me.
The difference is... I am not expecting anything.

If you read my post above, I said WHEN he is ready, MAYBE. There is a lot of if's and but's in this.

My question is not if I should try to get involved with him. I will figure that out when the time comes.

And FYI - I had a 5 year relationship with a former friend who became friends with benefits"" and progressed from there. It ended because he got in the military and had to spend a lot of time abroad and we grew apart.

FYI #2 - My old roomate started sleeping with a mutual friend of ours. She'd say she wasn't coming home because she had a "booty call" that night. This went on for a while until they realized they only wanted to be with each other and it's been two years now.

FYI #3 - My first real boyfriend was a childhood friend, and even now, some 20 odd years later and thousands of miles between us, he is one of my best friends.

So, I am sorry when I ignore "all men are pigs" type advice. I don't think what applies to one situation is necessarily applicable in another.

 
Old 03-06-2011, 07:56 PM   #9
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by grayblue View Post
Oh, I know this... I was just wondering if this fits the "he's using me" or the "he is attracted to me" category lol

Like I said, I don't want to be a rebound. So I'd give him some time anyway. I don't think friends with benefits right now is a good idea either. When he's ready, maybe.

Basically, do guys just sleep with someone for no reason, or would there have to be something else there? I don't mean love (I know he cares for me a lot, at least as a friend) but an attraction. Would a guy sleep with someone he is not into at all?
As the mom of one guy and the wife of another, I'd have to say... at a certain age (mid teens to mid 20s, perhaps), many guys go through a period where they'll sleep with anyone who is willing, and who doesn't utterly repulse them.

The fact that you don't utterly repulse this fellow does not in any way, shape, or form mean that he cares about you or will eventually be willing to commit to a relationship.
Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to recognize this for what it is.

Men- especially young men- sleep with people they don't care about, will never care about, and are not even particularly attracted to.
This happens all the time.

I'm not saying that's what happened in your particular case, because I don't know you, or the guy, or his intentions.
But I do know that yes, many- maybe most- guys of a certain age will have sex when it's available, and they aren't particularly selective in their choice of partners.

Sad, but (in my experience) true.

 
Old 03-06-2011, 08:07 PM   #10
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kali333 View Post
As the mom of one guy and the wife of another, I'd have to say... at a certain age (mid teens to mid 20s, perhaps), many guys go through a period where they'll sleep with anyone who is willing, and who doesn't utterly repulse them.

The fact that you don't utterly repulse this fellow does not in any way, shape, or form mean that he cares about you or will eventually be willing to commit to a relationship.
Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to recognize this for what it is.

Men- especially young men- sleep with people they don't care about, will never care about, and are not even particularly attracted to.
This happens all the time.

I'm not saying that's what happened in your particular case, because I don't know you, or the guy, or his intentions.
But I do know that yes, many- maybe most- guys of a certain age will have sex when it's available, and they aren't particularly selective in their choice of partners.

Sad, but (in my experience) true.

We're both in our 30's.

And again.... the question is not about having a relationship with him. I'll worry about that if the situation arises, and it hasn't.

I know it seems to make no sense to be asking about how a guy feels towards me and not talk about relationships but the fact is we have a strong friendship which is very important to me. I don't want to ask HIM what led him to make a move because I don't want to bring it up and have it be a problem between us. I'd rather he would resolve his issues on his own and if one day he is up for it, we will discuss this. Or not. I've learned to look at him like a friend and that is really what is important here. I do have feelings and a strong attraction for him, but I am not a kid. I just wish I knew what's on his mind.

 
Old 03-06-2011, 08:39 PM   #11
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

I'm just trying to caution you against having any expectations that his actions have any meaning beyond just the physical. It would be such a shame if you assumed wrong and got your heart broken because you expected something else.

Only your friend himself knows what he is thinking. Any men who answer your post would only be guessing. It's impossible to know what he is thinking unless he tells you himself.

 
Old 03-07-2011, 12:40 AM   #12
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

He obviously likes you as a friend, but he's told you he doesn't want a relationship with you and he's still in love with his ex.

You'd both been drinking, your inhibitions were gone, he wanted to get intimate with someone and you were there. It would appear that this was a rebound thing, he's still emotionally tied to his ex.

When a guy tells you he doesn't want to get attached you should listen, it doesn't matter if he finds you attractive or not, he's not available and you'll end up losing the friendship and hurt.

Carry on the friendship but don't expect anything more than that. Maybe something else will develop when he's over his ex, but for now I'd see him as off limits for anything other than just friends, and don't get your hopes up.

 
Old 03-07-2011, 06:04 AM   #13
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

In my experience, I'll know if someone is relationship material almost immediately. When I met my wife some nine years ago, I knew on the very first night I met her that she was someone I wanted to date. Thinking back to past girlfriends, it was similar--there were no friendships that over time transformed into something more. The spark is either there, or it isn't.

I guess it can happen that a guy gets out of a relationship and seriously isn't ready to get into another one, but I think more often than not it's a convenient excuse. If he was into you in more than a "friends with benefits" kind of way, I don't think he'd be holding back.

 
Old 03-07-2011, 06:44 AM   #14
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

I don't think that he likes you as anything more than a friend because if he did, he would have acted on it long ago. I know that it isn't what you want to hear and maybe we are all wrong. You were there, he was lonely, you wanted him and he knew that.

 
Old 03-07-2011, 06:52 AM   #15
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Re: Trying to figure this one out. Men are especially welcome to answer :)

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In my experience, I'll know if someone is relationship material almost immediately. When I met my wife some nine years ago, I knew on the very first night I met her that she was someone I wanted to date. Thinking back to past girlfriends, it was similar--there were no friendships that over time transformed into something more. The spark is either there, or it isn't.

I guess it can happen that a guy gets out of a relationship and seriously isn't ready to get into another one, but I think more often than not it's a convenient excuse. If he was into you in more than a "friends with benefits" kind of way, I don't think he'd be holding back.
I know what he is talking about: sparks. However, every good rule has its own exceptions, you know.

Sometimes you meet someone and there is no spark at all. Later on, you may begin to look at them in a different way, and feelings may begin to emerge, why not?

Also, a spark when you see someone new may not mean a great deal. There is a spark, to be sure, but soon it goes off, like will-o'-the wisp.

Yes, love is not simple at all.

 
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