After my last breakup with a guy I was with for 4 years (he cheated on me, so I ended it), I have turned rather cold towards men. Its been about 4 months since we broke up and I have been on numerous dates. I am a great looking girl, who trains hard at the gym everyday and am in good shape and I have a bright future ahead of me career wise. I however, used to have this kind, sweet demeanor that is now gone.
Whenever I meet a nice guy (and I have met a few) I blow it. I do this on purpose because I have become cold and what I look for in a guy has changed negatively. I used to want someone funny, kind, romantic but now I really just want a guy who makes good money and who can add to my future, not take away. I kinda hate the person I have become but I feel as though I have been broken.
I met a nice guy actually who treated me well and really thought I was amazing. I liked his personality but he had no hair and this bothered me. He also told me he only makes 45,000 a year (which isnt horrible, but not great) and I just got totally turned off. So I dumped him via facebook and then made him look terrible by having rude statuses about him - and he knew this.
What I am trying to say is I have been on my share of dates with crap men. If a guy tries to get too close I push him away and if a guy tries to put his hands where they dont belong I tell him to screw off. I am pretty blunt and to the jerks this is good but to the "nice guys" its really not fair.
How can I not be so cold? I hate this person I have become. I miss being a soft, kind person who just wanted a sweet guy. Now its become all about material things and I am not at all sweet to any guy. I have been broken down I feel nothing and I need advice.
Okay, others will probably say more and more to the point, but I have to say that...
Well, actually people change as time goes by. They change either in response to things that happen to and affect them in their life or because they simply allow different and so far hidden aspects of their character to emerge. Or maybe both things at the same time.
And whenever you begin to feel and behave in a different way than you did, it's natural for you to feel confused and reject the "new" facet.
So please take your time until you will find your balance again. Don't fight your transformation. Let it unfold.
Now I understand that you may not want to associate with someone who makes not enough money or is not on the same level as you are or is not your type. Simply don't base your choice of a man on his income or looks, because jerks you know come in all shapes and colors.
If you have a chance, apologize to the fellow for your (rude?) remarks about his statuses, if I have understood you correctly.
stay by yourself for a while.....emotionally, you're in no condition to be in a relationship and you're not doing yourself of anyone you come in contact with any good. take some time to be alone, it will be good for you
Not only did you reject the guy but you went the extra mile to tell everyone how bad he is..and he was a good guy. Yeah it is ok to not like someone or feel that they are not on your level..but why go and dump on him further? Just because you were hurt doesnt mean you have to spread the seed of pain. I realize everyone that gets hurt can go through these phases. It is not who you are underneath it is what you do that defines you. Become and act the person you feel you truley are.
Last edited by Mod-S4; 03-07-2011 at 08:59 PM.
Reason: Unhelpful comments removed.
It doesn't make sense why you would punish people in your present or future who had nothing to do with your past. I feel bad for that poor guy you dumped and then proceeded to trash behind his back in front of his face, on the internet.
Like Rose said, you are in no position to date anyone right now. All you are doing right now is hurting innocent people. That needs to stop now.
Last edited by Mod-S4; 03-07-2011 at 09:01 PM.
Reason: Unhelpful comments removed.
I think you'd benefit from seeing a counsellor. Not only do you have the issue with men but also the troubles with your mum, and the pressure of school. You sound like you might be suffering from depression.
I'm sorry you've been judged a bit harshly here, I hope it hasn't chased you away...
It sort of sounds to me like you get angry at men for not being your ex, or rather, who you wish your ex would have been, does that sound like a possibility? I'm sure you realize it's not fair to make others pay for someone else's wrongs against you, that's why you're here, and that's the first step, knowing you don't want to do this anymore. I agree that some time on your own would be good. Take some time to heal from what the cheating ex did to your heart, to stop taking it personally, to work through the anger and pain. You'll be ready to date again when you can go out with a man and enjoy the evening and not hate him because he's a man, or because he's not your ex. Good luck to you.
I can see why you are so upset with yourself. My first step would be to give a heartfelt apology to the poor guy you trashed on the internet. That was awful. Clearing your conscious would be my advise to you, before any more contact with men.
hi Ashley, I mean no offense, just to make you think! first you need to get off that pedestal you've built for yourself. and realize, the world does not owe you anything. you are young,23 maybe 24 now?
How can I not be so cold? I hate this person I have become. I miss being a soft, kind person who just wanted a sweet guy. Now its become all about material things and I am not at all sweet to any guy. I have been broken down I feel nothing and I need advice. in your first sentence you said you broke up with your ex (Wes)? because he was cheating on you. when in another post you'd admitted you were already cheating on him at least emotionally? with the new guy who was unhappy in his 2 year marriage: the new guy who you told you both had serious decisions to make which he claimed he did, when in fact his wife found out and kicked him out. he did NOTHING except move in with his friend! but he kept you waiting for hours or no showed at all. my bet is he was with his then wife? he didn't rush to you after your accident showing how much he cared, once he knew you were OK. you should have seen his true character at the start, hanging out at the gym and texting all day. someone happy in their relationship does not cheat, hang out and text all day!
my advice to you is, go back to reassess yourself, your values and your priorities. and strive to be someone who you, yourself would want to be with. would you want to be with someone who only wanted to be with you to enhance their future plans with material things? I bet not? you are not "broken down and feel nothing". what you are, is hurt and feel resentment. but you can't resent all men cause of the actions of two. you hate being the war you are now, so go back to being what you liked/loved being. love being yourself before trying to love someone else or expecting someone else to love you.
I'm sorry if I've offended you? you asked for advice. this just happens to be mine!
good luck and god bless
happiness is a way of life, not a goal in life, success comes in cans not can'ts
Last edited by Mod-S4; 03-07-2011 at 09:03 PM.
Reason: Unnecessary comments removed.
I would like to say Thanks to all of the replies I received here. I agree with them (for the most part). I dont know if I need a counsellor per say, I really dont have the time to talk to someone right now But I do believe its wrong that I do this to guys and I should just be on my own and figure out what I truly want. I know that having all of thee material things arent going to make me happy, I used to know better than that but past experiences have made me cold and I guess quite shallow..
That being said, I really do want to become a kind person again. Not naive but I would love to meet a guy and see him for what he is not for what other guys have been. My ex did cheat on me but I have been hurt before. I have been on dates with men that only tried to get their way with me etc. Its been hard to be optimistic about men. Perhaps I have went out with the wrong ones... Being cheated on though was hard because I truly trusted him with everything I was. I really did and never thought he would betray me, especially for a friend that he said he wouldnt even touch if he were single. Anyone whose been cheated on KNOWS that it takes its toll on you.
Anyways, I think I will take time off and just let my life sort out. I need time and its only been 4 months since my breakup, so I havent been shallow for "too long" I know I am better than that and perhaps I will apologize to that guy and not make that mistake again.