we have both always been busy people, but would have coffee together in morning, dinner at night and tell of our days, try to be together most of weekend. her daughter moved back a couple monthes ago (with child) they are together constantly. her girlfriend stops for coffee in the morning and i sit in room with 3 women that "tune me out" she says its the only time she has with her. her brother comes all day on sundays and again, its the only time they have together. her and her daughter will run everywhere together, at least every other evening and evenings she is home, they talk between themselves, they both talk fast and a lot, never pause or evan let eachother finish sentences. i gave up on interacting in a conversation. when her daughter goes to bed and we can finally talk, she falls asleep while i am talking. if and when her daughter isnt right there, she is on the phone , again, its the only time she talks to; cousin, nephew, brother, friends etc. if no one calls, she will tell me everything that went on since we spoke last, and NEVER let me tell her what is going on in my life. if we make plans to spend day together (not a conversation but a sentance or two) she ALWAYS has a small errand to run, she stops to see a friend and 3-4 hours latter she is ready for our time, then someone calls, girlfriends fighting with husband, brother needs someone to talk too, somebody needs a ride etc. its always somthing important. this has been an issue before but never this extreme. in the past she just said it was only a couple hours and that there are times she is home and i am busy. i wanted to tell her about it tonight so while we was eating, i waited for her to have a mouth full of food and told her i wanted to go upstairs early tonight. she agreed to go up when we finished eating. i said i was depressed and just wanted to go upstairs. she told me to get meds from a doc and i would be fine, thats what her brother does. he calls 2 minutes later, he is depressed. she talks to him for an hour (he has no one else to talk to) then her cousin calls, then her nephew, then a show she likes came on. we went up after that, she snuggled up tp me and fell asleep. how can i get her to see what she is doing if i cant evan get in a full sentence.
Don't get me wrong, please, but as I was reading through your post, the words that kept coming to my mind were: "Well, this could be a slapstick!"
If all you are saying is true, I mean, if you are not overdoing it, then it seems to be clear that she is not really into you. Do you think she changed after her daughter moved in, or did it all start a long time ago?
If it is recent, then a conversation might work. If not, maybe counseling.
But I know, I know, she doesn't listen to you, not even if you scream, and she will probably dismiss counseling as a waste of time and money.
My friend, if you are not ready to leave this marriage, then I'd suggest you do the same as her: lead an independent life from her, bring your friends and relatives to the house and have fun among yourselves. This is your house, too, and you are entitled to it.
Now let's see what happens next.
Last edited by pendulum; 03-08-2011 at 05:54 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to pendulum For This Useful Post: jrinaman (03-08-2011)
cant get a conversation, counciling will not happen. we dont fight, she doesnt have time for that. on the rare occaision we are alone, her mouth wont stop! she yaps for hours and i get to sa "ya" or "ah huh" i know it sounds petty, but it really messes with me when i cant interact. i dont mean once or twice, i dont need to be center of attention. dont usually have much to say or anything that important, just like to get in conversation sometimes. if you told me it was warm and sunny at your house, i would want to respond that it is cold and cloudy here. do you care that its cold here? do i care that you are warm? or is it just something to talk about? she says her part, daughter talks over me, she rambles on and i get silenced. once or twice, who cares, several times is just rude, but day after day, week after week, month after month, i feel like a monk that took a vowel of silence. she isnt mean or hateful, doesnt give me cold shoulder, or purposely avoid me, she just ALWAYS has something more important. its not like we are fighting or wanting to split up, she would die for me, just not now, she is busy!
i think you are going to have to tell her to stop talking for a minute , in the kindest way possible. and tell her you need to talk to her about whats going on for you. you have to put your foot down. she sounds unaware of what shes doing so you need to tell her straight else one day you might snap or get so fed up that the love goes or whatever.
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post: jrinaman (03-08-2011)
that is what i tried last night, but i got put off for 2 hours, then she fell asleep. on the rare occaisions i actually talked to her about it, she says i am gone all day and she deals with that. no matter how nice i pesent it, she flips it back on me. she should be home in an hour, she will most likely stop at a friends or go shopping or ??? and return in 3 or 4 hours, her daughter is with her and will be until bedtime. if i leave to do something and she actually returns in an hour, then its my fault for not wanting to be here with her. if i stay and she is late, then i am not very understanding because she just needed some free time, or her friends really needed her. i am told that i know she loves me and shouldnt be so insecure. if i tell her i just miss spending time with her, she says we see each other everyday, and that i should be more understanding of things she needs to do. i have said more on this single post than i say to her in an entire day! just want to have a normal conversation with her occaisionally. without daughter or cel phone. 10 minutes a day?
When was the last time you took a weekend away, just the 2 of you, for a little time away from everyone else? What if you booked just a weekend roadtrip from Friday through Sunday, just the 2 of you, and surprised her with it? Would she go for it? If it were me and my husband did that for me, I'd be really touched and I would take advantage to reconnect during the weekend. But that's me, I don't know if your wife would have the same reaction. It sounds like she is pretty clueless.
The Following User Says Thank You to Kszan For This Useful Post: jrinaman (03-08-2011)
i dont need to be center of attention. dont usually have much to say or anything that important, just like to get in conversation sometimes.
I'm guessing that your individual personalities are playing into this. You're the quiet, submissive type, and she's the loud, dominating type. Over time, the dichotomy between your personalities has magnified.
Her personality probably also attracts all these other people to her, along with their problems, and she gets wrapped up in all of that, and feeds off of it. Since you're not bringing problems and drama to her, you're (for lack of a better word) boring.
Maybe what you want to do, is start doing your own thing and see if she takes any notice. Get involved in other activities, hang out with other friends, just do stuff. Maybe if she sees you actually being an interesting and outgoing person, she'll want to take part in some of that interesting stuff.
The Following User Says Thank You to caberg For This Useful Post: jrinaman (03-08-2011)
You sound terribly frustrated and lonely! I very much doubt that this is what you expected in a marriage. You might even be in a grieving state from what you see as a significant loss.
I agree with Pendulum and Caberg in that you need to have more in your life that gives you satisfaction. More connections that you enjoy so you have options. Do you have male friends; or even male activities that will give you some kind of comradeship?
Many females do get awful busy with 'relationships' so that they often neglect that most significant relationship; or even take it for granted. It doesn't sound like you speak up a lot either.
Could you give yourself some options on how you want to handle this? Look at possibilities? It's hard to move forward when someone is not giving you what you want, but this is necessary for your mental health.
Feeling stuck with a situation that doesn't work for you is most unpleasant! She seems to turn a deaf ear to complaints. Make some simple statements like, "this isn't working for me", or take some positive action that doesn't depend on her. You can do this!
Last edited by BelovedPugsley; 03-08-2011 at 12:15 PM.
The Following User Says Thank You to BelovedPugsley For This Useful Post: jrinaman (03-08-2011)
we often took weekend trips in the past, it is one on one, especially when out of cel phone range. it hasnt been an option for last couple monthes, and wont be for at least another 2 weeks (no money) cant really just leave without planning anymore because her adult child needs here. i have tried "being too busy" and it always backfires. good example; she should already be home, i am going to my shop to repair my truck. when she gets home, she will complain my truck is more important than her and I am not available for her. then when i get home, she will tell me all about HER day, then its tune me out, talk on phone a while, then tell her daughter about every detail of phone conversation, then fall asleep. she doesnt evan know truck needs fixed. i just dont know how to make her aware without making it a fight or placing blame, evan saying i miss her and want to spend time alone puts her on the defense, plus her daughter is there for the conversation.
we often took weekend trips in the past, it is one on one, especially when out of cel phone range. it hasnt been an option for last couple monthes, and wont be for at least another 2 weeks (no money) cant really just leave without planning anymore because her adult child needs here. i have tried "being too busy" and it always backfires. good example; she should already be home, i am going to my shop to repair my truck. when she gets home, she will complain my truck is more important than her and I am not available for her. then when i get home, she will tell me all about HER day, then its tune me out, talk on phone a while, then tell her daughter about every detail of phone conversation, then fall asleep. she doesnt evan know truck needs fixed. i just dont know how to make her aware without making it a fight or placing blame, evan saying i miss her and want to spend time alone puts her on the defense, plus her daughter is there for the conversation.
I know, but - don't get me/us wrong - you apparently don't take the advice that is being given to you. In other words, leave her alone for a while and do your own thing. You keep harping on the same string. You seem to have become a satellite around her. You crave her attention, but she ignores you. So let her be. Don't be a doormat for her. Start having a more independent life from her. If anything, this might make her aware of you and your needs. If not, you will discover that life can also be fun without her, why not?
The Following User Says Thank You to pendulum For This Useful Post: jrinaman (03-08-2011)
maybe the marriage has just run its course. hopefully you can save it. you need to talk more. i am sorry to say this but i dont believe that you are unable to talk to her. i understand your frustration but i think you should try harder. tell her ''i do not want an argument but i want to talk, please''...then talk.
Last edited by cryingforever; 03-08-2011 at 02:01 PM.
i just dont know how to make her aware without making it a fight or placing blame, evan saying i miss her and want to spend time alone puts her on the defense, plus her daughter is there for the conversation.
Maybe a fight is what the two of you need. A healthy, fair fight. Experts say couples who aren't afraid to fight are happier in the long run and stronger together than couples who just hold resentments in, which is what you are doing right now. You are beginning to resent her and not doing what is necessary to make it clear to her that this is a problem, a very significant problem, for you. If she still won't listen, then wow, I don't know. She seems pretty dead set on having everything her way and having you there so she can ignore you, and simply isn't interested in anything changing, and she obviously doesn't care how you feel about it. Kind of sounds to me like you're just married to the wrong woman.
The Following User Says Thank You to Larrylou'smom For This Useful Post: jrinaman (03-08-2011)
normally, i would give same advice about leaving her alone and doing my own thing. but it hasnt worked. if i am to busy, then all of a sudden, i am causing a fight, and ignoring her out of spite. telling her i dont want an arguement and want to talk has not worked either. really dont want to discuss our relationship with her and daughter, tried to get her alone last night and again, i took backseat to everything else. maybe i will take that weekend trip by myself.
i agree with other posts. self centred woman. its like she doesnt notice you till she wants something. its like your someone who she can fall back on when she needs you, when you need her shes not interested shes making it clear.
Sorry if I missed this in the thread, but is the daughter and her coming baby going to be permanent in your home? Or is this a short window of time and they will move back out?
I think how I would react would depend upon whether this is a possibly permanent change in your life. If the daughter and baby will be gone in a few months, I'd be more inclined to tough it out and allow that your wife is just wrapped up in her being there and the coming baby. (At least for that part of your story.) If it's permanent, I can only image it will get worse when there's also a baby in the house.
The Following User Says Thank You to resolution09 For This Useful Post: jrinaman (03-08-2011)
Try calmly talking to your wife and telling her how you feel, try to make her see that she is spending wayyy too much time absorbing other people's problems to the point that you are being left out in the cold!!! Seems like you cannot win here....if you make yourself busy doing your own thing she blames you whereas it is she that isn't making the effort! Sounds like she is a very self centred individual and likes to have it her way! I would be hanging in there for a little while longer and try to point out how vastly she is spreading herself around for everyone bar yourself! Life is short and I would not expect to play 2nd fiddle to everyone whilst she is acting as an unpaid counselor!
baby is already here, wasnt any discussion as to how long she was staying. as their is no discussions of anything. however, i did finally get her to talk tonight. they went to work today and expected to be home at 3:00. i left at 6:30, she wasnt home yet. she calls me around 7:00 and asks what i am doing. told her i went for a drive, had stuff on my mind and no one to talk to. she said she was on way home and be there in 15 minutes, it was almost an hour. i was already in our room so she had to pick, ignore the obvious problem or come to me and discuss it. she picked option 3, bring up every mistake i ever made, and tear me down more. then said she didnt want to talk because she knew i was depressed and she knew why. she was wrong , different thread, different catagories. told her that i was like anyone else and just need to talk sometimes, and that i missed her. that hearing what i had to say was important to me, evan if she thought she knew what was on my mind. told her that if she knew i was depressed, she should of been there for me and that i felt there wasnt anything left between us. suddenly she saw that i was being kicked to the bottom of her list, that picking a fight wasnt the best way to get somebody out of a depressed mood, that splitting up was more of a worry to me than my health issues, and that i just wanted to be included. talked about several issues that bother me a lot, and actually resolved them all. 3 hour discussion. i told her that 10 minutes a day for a month was 3 hours and thats all i needed was 10 minutes a day, but not last on the list. everything "appears" to be back on track but time will tell. she asked about us going to counseling and i agreed to go. whatever the outcome is, i will deal with it, but can not handle being left in the dark.
The following user gives a hug of support to jrinaman: cryingforever (03-08-2011)
but time will tell. she asked about us going to counseling and i agreed to go. whatever the outcome is, i will deal with it, but can not handle being left in the dark.
Well, that was a very interesting turnaround: that she wants you both to go into counseling. Anyway, be prepared that it won't be easy for both of you. All that has been swept under the carpet will now have to be dealt with: anger, regrets, sorrow, and so on. Be strong.
Re: wife always has something more important 
