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Old 03-08-2011, 08:23 AM   #1
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Can't get him out of my head....

Where to begin.....I really just need to get this off my chest and tell SOMEONE. I can't talk to my friends about this.
When I moved to this state (thousands of miles from home) I knew no one. I immediately found a job and one of my co-workers set me up on matchmaker to meet guys. After a while, I found one that I really enjoyed talking to. "Peter" lived about an hour away. I'm a super cautious freak about meeting people since you never know what you might find. Since I lived in an apartment I thought it would be good to meet at my place since I had close neighbors. We hit it off instantly. It was like we knew each other for years. We laughed, joked, talked all night. No awkward moments at all. We ended up sleeping together (w/protection) that night. NOT something I would normally do right away, but the temptation was so great. We continued to date, visit each other, talk on the phone, email, etc. But since we were an hour away from each other, it didn't happen often enough. At the time we had a GREAT sex life! After several months into the relationship, he called me one night and told me a girl he had dated before me was pregnant. They dated briefly and had no future plans. I was very upset but thought maybe I could deal with it since I knew they were no longer involved. So we still talked, hung out, etc. After a while I just felt like I wanted more than a long distance relationship and wanted someone closer to home. That's when I found "Keith". Keith was raised in a tight knit family and that's what I really loved about him. He's a very reserved guy. Not as outgoing as Peter.
Keith and I have been together for 8 years now. We've definitely had our ups and downs. Throughout the 8 years I've never been able to get Peter off my mind. We're still friendly. Send emails occasionally, ask how each other is doing, etc. We've never been out of contact. Even when he had a different girlfriend. In the beginning of the 8 years that Keith and I have been together, I have gone to visit and slept with Peter on several occasions. I haven't seen him in over 5 years now. He is an amazing lover. I have totally different relationships with Peter and Keith. Although Peter and I had a great sex life, I was comfortable with SOME things around him and not others. Keith has given me more security, home life and things I can talk to him about and not Peter and vice versa. I love Keith very much as a person and now the father of our 3 year old. We've talked about having another baby very soon. I want my child to have a sibling sooner rather than later. I'm not sure we have the best relationship though. We fight a lot, have different goals, not many things in common. I picture many things with Peter. I picture the song we would dance to if we got married, the location, etc. I think I miss the FUN in Peter. I think if I had the opportunity to sleep with him again right in front of me, I would do it. Sometimes I think that we will be together again someday. I feel like we will have our kids with different people and reunite for good later on. Am I crazy to think this way? Sorry if it seems like I skipped around a lot. I'm just typing what comes to mind so I don't forget. After 9 years I just can't shake this guy! I've told him I think we will be together and he says he loves me. Honestly, I think deep down he IS waiting for me. We had a great friendship and sex life, but is he my life partner?

 
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:56 AM   #2
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Re: Can't get him out of my head....

Well, it seems pretty clear to me you're not really in love with Keith. You may love him for all he gives you and how devoted he is to you, but you're not in love with him. It could be neither of these guys is the man you should spend the rest of your life, hard to tell with just the information you've given us.

when you decided you didn't want a long distance relationship with Peter, did you give him the chance to see if he wanted to move closer to you, get a job closer to you, or maybe you get a job closer to him, or did you just break it off?

It kind of sounds to me you're a little unclear as to what you really want in a life partner. Rarely do we get the whole package - a man who stimulates our brain, eases our mind, warms our heart AND curls our toes. We have to pick and choose the guy who has the MOST VALUABLE of those qualities, becuase we almost never find a man who has them all. You had great sex and compatibility and fun with Peter, but you have security and stability with Keith. You have to decide which is more important to you and then pick a lane. And if you pick Keith, I think it would be wise to break off all contact with Peter. You can't fall out of love with someone while keeping contact with them. You need time away from him to get him out of your system. If you decide to stay with Keith, and that's NOT necessarily what I'm telling you to do, but if you do, then you must get Peter totally and completely out of your life. Keith deserves a woman who isn't always fantasizing about sleeping with another man, whose heart is his, doesn't he? You have to decide if you can be, or even want to be, that woman. Or you could roll the dice, go with your heart and go with Peter, IF he even wants to be in a real, close-distance relationship with you, and as far as I can see, "I love you (so long as you're a safe distance away and involved with someone else so I don't have to have the responsibility of being emotionally available to you)" doesn't mean that's what he wants, and you haven't said anything to indicate that's what he wants. I mean, have you asked him point-blank, "if I left Keith for you, would you want to be with me, move closer to me or have me and my kid move in with you and be together in a real relationship?" And again, it could be neither of these guys is what you want or need, and you may need to think about freeing yourself up completely to find a man who is closer to ALL the things you want in a life partner. You've got some serious soul searching to do.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 03-08-2011 at 09:02 AM.

 
Old 03-08-2011, 09:24 AM   #3
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Re: Can't get him out of my head....

Thank you. If feels really good to talk about this. If I left Keith, yes Peter would want to be with me. We just have a weird connection and deep down feel like we're waiting for each other. We both have great jobs and don't want to leave. I would be the one to leave since his is more of a career and he's been there longer.
We never really discussed a break up. It was more like we just stopped talking. I feel like Peter could be my best friend. However, I think I'm more caught up in the sex and the "romantic" side of Peter and not really into a "relationship" with him. But why do I imagine our wedding? Do I imagine how fun it could be? So there again, I'm caught up in the novelty of Peter. Honestly, we never spent enough time together to see what kind of boyfriend he would be. We went out to dinner a few times, but nothing major. It was all mostly sex. But when we were together in that way, it was GREAT! He was very affectionate, very attentive to my needs. But I do love him as my friend. I know we can't have it all, so what do I settle for?

 
Old 03-08-2011, 09:49 AM   #4
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Re: Can't get him out of my head....

Quote:
Originally Posted by redtahiti3 View Post
Thank you. If feels really good to talk about this. If I left Keith, yes Peter would want to be with me. We just have a weird connection and deep down feel like we're waiting for each other. We both have great jobs and don't want to leave. I would be the one to leave since his is more of a career and he's been there longer.
We never really discussed a break up. It was more like we just stopped talking. I feel like Peter could be my best friend. However, I think I'm more caught up in the sex and the "romantic" side of Peter and not really into a "relationship" with him. But why do I imagine our wedding? Do I imagine how fun it could be? So there again, I'm caught up in the novelty of Peter. Honestly, we never spent enough time together to see what kind of boyfriend he would be. We went out to dinner a few times, but nothing major. It was all mostly sex. But when we were together in that way, it was GREAT! He was very affectionate, very attentive to my needs. But I do love him as my friend. I know we can't have it all, so what do I settle for?

So, I think the answer to your questions lies in this sentence above, in bold letters. You need to have a honest face-to-face conversation with Peter. Maybe he is also wondering the same about you. Neither of you will know what to do if you don't talk it out, honestly. As for Keith, I really don't know what to advise. Even if you decide that it's better to leave Peter alone and move on with your life, you'll have to decide if you really want Keith to be part of your future life. You need to be fair to him. So, in a nutshell, you have got one or two big decisions to make: will Peter be the one for me? If not, what does Keith mean to me at all?

Last edited by pendulum; 03-08-2011 at 09:50 AM.

 
Old 03-08-2011, 10:14 AM   #5
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Re: Can't get him out of my head....

Quote:
Originally Posted by redtahiti3 View Post
If I left Keith, yes Peter would want to be with me.
HOW do you know this for sure? You still haven't said whether or not you two have actually DISCUSSED it, or is it just something you're assuming based on the connection you have?

[QUOTE=redtahiti3;4701621However, I think I'm more caught up in the sex and the "romantic" side of Peter and not really into a "relationship" with him. But why do I imagine our wedding? Do I imagine how fun it could be? So there again, I'm caught up in the novelty of Peter. Honestly, we never spent enough time together to see what kind of boyfriend he would be.[/QUOTE]

I think that's a big clue, and something you need to pay attention to. I can't tell you why you dream about marrying someone you say you're not really "into a relationship" with. Someone you never even really dated, and don't even know what kind of boyfriend he'd make, let alone a long-term life partner. These are the things you need to do some soul searching about. Only you can answer these questions.

I also think that just because staying with Keith feels like settling, doesn't mean that running to Peter is the answer, either. Take Peter totally out of the picture for a minute - would Keith suddenly look a whole lot better, or would you still have the same luke-warm "roommates rather than partners and lovers" feeling toward him?

 
Old 03-08-2011, 10:59 AM   #6
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Re: Can't get him out of my head....

sorry to be abit harsh but your not respecting keith at all and i think you should leave him so he can find a faithful woman who loves only him. how would you like it if keith or someone you really loved had cheated ? if keith found out i am sure he would be heartbroken. sorry i find you quite selfish. i think you are trying to have best of both worlds thats my opinion.

ok , so my advice is , be with neither of them until you make up your mind what it is in life that you TRULY want.

 
Old 03-08-2011, 12:42 PM   #7
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Re: Can't get him out of my head....

I appreciate your brutal honesty and you are right. Sometimes it does feel like Keith and I are living like roommates rather than lovers. We had a huge issue in the beginning about our sex life. We're both in our early 30's and have sex maybe once a month...if that!
Peter and I have discussed in the past what our future holds. I've spilled my guts to him before and he said that he would always be there for me. I don't know why I dream about a wedding with Peter when I don't really see him as the hubby type. I've compared our relationship with the relationship of Jerry McGuire (the movie). They were close, friendly. But did you see sparks fly? I think it all boils down to me missing the fun, care free, great sex relationship we had.
Sometimes I feel like breaking down and crying b/c I miss him. This is what I'm so confused about!! I feel like there was never any closure between us. Do I really need that closure or am I worrying about something I don't really need?

 
Old 03-08-2011, 01:12 PM   #8
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Re: Can't get him out of my head....

Well, you're crying over and missing a man you can't, or won't, be with, so you obviously need something. What, I'm not sure. Let me ask you this, if deep in your heart you're so sure Peter is the one you miss and want and belong with, what's stopping you from being with him? I mean, besides the fact that you're not sure he's "husband" material?

 
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