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Old 03-09-2011, 12:33 PM   #1
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Need advice on marriage

Iíll try to keep this short. My husband and I married when we were eighteen. It only lasted about six months and we divorced. In that six months I got pregnant with our son who is now 16 years old. For the next three years we did not hear or see from my then, ex husband. He had no contact with our son. When our son was four, he came back into our lives for about a year and a half. Again, For the next three years, no contact. No financial support, birthday cards, calls..nothing. When my son was seven, he started asking a lot of questions and becoming angry about not having his father around. So, I sent him a letter. Skip forward, about a year after he started seeing my son, we were remarried ..to each other. (Weíve been remarried for 8 years) Every thing was great. We both had a good job. I had bought a house and made a life for me and my son. It seemed we had similar goals and that we had both grown up and could handle the relationship. A year and a half later, our daughter was born. During my pregnancy he started a business which eventually failed because he decided he didnít want to do it any more. It was a lawn care business so it was a lot of long hot days. When people would call for a quote he would purposely give them a high price to detour any additional business. When he had no customers left because they were tired of him not showing up when he was supposed to he had no job. I would tell him to get a job, we would argue. He had odd jobs here and there but never held any thing for more than a few months. Eventually, we lost our house. He lost his car, which by the way, gave him a great excuse to not look for a job. There were days when I didnít know what we were going to feed our children. We moved to a two bedroom apartment. During all of this he became severely depressed and angry. There was a lot of emotional abuse to me and our son. Not to our daughter. He definitely shows favoritism to her. It got so bad that I let our son live with my parents so he didnít have to go through it any more. After almost a year of him living with them and nothing changing I left him. I got a place where me and my children could be together. He stayed in the apartment until they kicked him out. He didnít have a job so he couldnít pay the rent. He did eventually get a part time job and lived in an extended stay motel for a few months. He now has an apartment with a roommate and my daughter goes to visit three days a week. He has gotten help for his anger and depression issues. However my son wants nothing to do with him. We have been separated for nine months now. For the last three he and I have been talking and getting along well. He wants to go to counseling and reconcile our marriage. My friends and family of course think that is a really bad idea. I for the most part think itís a bad idea. I told him nothing would ever happen between us until he mends his relationship with our son. He has tried to talk to him but our son wonít open up. Part of the problem is my husband doesnít except all the blame for the failure of their relationship. Now that he has tried to talk to him he sayís itís our sons fault because he has changed, our son just doesnít want to talk to him. You canít fix that many year s of hurt with a few months of kind words. Please give me your advice. Donít be shy, Iím not afraid of a little critical opinion. Thank you for reading this really long post.

 
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Old 03-09-2011, 12:43 PM   #2
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Re: Need advice on marriage

Einstein once said "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." Do you really need to marry this man a third time to know that it will turn out exactly the same way it did the last two times? I think if you even consider marrying this man again, your son will consider it a betrayal and he will stop talking to you as well. When your son is older and mature enough to stop taking what his father did so personally, maybe he will seek out some kind of relationship with him. But I personally think it would cause more harm than good to force him to have a relationship with this man who abandoned him and has been so irresponsible to him just because they happen to share genes. Let your son decide if and when he will open up to this man, and on what terms.

It's really easy for this guy to clean up his act just enough to sucker you in, and then his true colors show. I hope he does clean up his act someday, but he will NEVER be able to do it with you. It's like when an alcoholic stops drinking and gets clean and sober. He can't stay clean and sober and still hang out with all his old drinking buddies. You are part of a past that is keeping him shackled, and you always will be. He cannot become the man he needs to become and be married to you. Nor can you become the strong, independent woman you need to become and keep going back to him, to your past, to your co-dependence. You both need to move on from each other.

 
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Old 03-09-2011, 01:10 PM   #3
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Re: Need advice on marriage

Thank you for your advice. We aren't divorced, just separated.

 
Old 03-09-2011, 02:22 PM   #4
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Re: Need advice on marriage

this is my opinion. dont think it will ever work. that man has been in and out of your kids life so many times and its clearly damaged them. and hes blaming your son. for him to blame your son for what hes done , that to me would be enough to say no chance. your son will end up resenting you aswell. why are you thinking of trying again? do you love this man? ....who plays yo yo with your kids lives?

he gives up on jobs etc...and doesnt seem to think of the mess it creates for you and the rest of the family. that is a selfish man im sorry. favouritism shouldnt even ever happen.

Last edited by cryingforever; 03-09-2011 at 02:25 PM.

 
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Old 03-09-2011, 02:34 PM   #5
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Re: Need advice on marriage

agree with LLM and crying......yes do you really need to do it a 3rd time to find out if was a mistake? you've already found out it was a mistake, and you've broken free of this horrible abusive situation......why on EARTH would you even entertain the thought of going back....
and yes as LLM says, your son could end up abandoning you also because he feels betrayed once AGAIN by a parent.
you're strong enough to live without this man....he's not doing you or your kids anygood.....
you left him for a reason.....stay gone, and finalize the divorce.
he's a bum.....won't even work to support his family.
what on earth do you think you need him for?

 
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Old 03-09-2011, 10:01 PM   #6
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Re: Need advice on marriage

i dont agree with everything. but him deserting your son is wrong. i couldnt of got past that the first time but you did. he had a job, house and car, and he provided. he tried to better himself but it was too much, he was failing in bussiness and made him depressed, which made him "give up" and his bussiness failed by his own shortcomings. that made him more depressed! i am certainly not saying to take him back, but if you still love him, you can have him keep his apartment, get a "real" job and get some counseling for his depression. then "maybe" do family things together. most men wont ask for help, especially mental/depression help. DO NOT be his safety net, he works part time because he has to. you forgave the first time (i wouldnt of) and thats done, the second is for totally different reasons, its not the same thing twice. its two things that appear similar with the same end result twice. now to your son, it is the same. his father is responsable for that, and HE needs to correct that, not your son. i would not get past that the second time either. just pointing out issues that arent being looked at.

 
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Old 03-10-2011, 01:02 AM   #7
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Re: Need advice on marriage

Wow, very difficult.

There are two problems here: your marriage and the broken relationship between a son and a father.

As for your marriage, I wouldn't take him back immediately and never without conditions. If you both have feelings for each other and if you can get along well, why not restablish a relationship? BUT EACH ONE IN THEIR OWN PLACE, ok?

As for your son, this is the hardest part. If his father were able to recognize his mistakes and if he were able to honestly apologize to the boy, he (the boy) might open up for him gradually. I don't think a vibrant father-to-son relationship would ensue, but at least they would be able to look in each other's eyes and talk. The father must find a way of making up for the things he didn't give his son in his early years. And the son must give his father a chance, and at the same time allow for his imperfections.

Which is more difficult: apologizing or forgiving? All I know is that life is made of risks...

You could act as a mediator between these two men, maybe under the supervision of a counselor.

Last edited by pendulum; 03-10-2011 at 03:31 AM.

 
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Old 03-10-2011, 04:58 AM   #8
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Re: Need advice on marriage

Looking at it from your sons point of view he spent the first 4 years of his life with an absent father who didn't want to have anything to do with him. He comes into his life briefly then leaves again. At 7 he comes back, but only because you initiated contact. He is then emotionally abused by his father then sent to live with his grandparents, possibly thinking that you've put this man first and pushed your son out, away from both you and his sister. He has been shown a pattern of behavior and understandably doesn't trust him.

Your son may never want a relationship with his father, and you shouldn't force it, you could end up making it worse, or losing your son yourself.

Is the only reason your husband is trying to talk to your son now because you told him he had to?

You said yourself you mostly think it's a bad idea. If your daughter has a decent relationship with her father I'd concentrate on keeping that going, but let your son decide if and when he wants contact with him.

 
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Old 03-10-2011, 05:38 AM   #9
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Re: Need advice on marriage

All of you make great points. No, I really don't want him in my life but I feel like God says divorce is wrong and on that level am I doing the right thing. As for why I remarried him the second time, I thought I was doing the right the for me and my son. At that point they had developed a great relationship and I was brought up in a very traditional home and wanted the same for him. Looking back, I know now that wasn't the best thing to do but I can't change it. As far as letting my son live with my parents, it wasn't what I wanted but at the time I wasn't in a position to leave my husband even though I would have loved for all three of us (son, daughter, myself) been able to get out of the situation. I can see where it looks like I abandonded him. It was for sure a stressfull time in my life not having him at home. He only has two years of shool left before he will be going to college. The separation has been very hard for my daughter who is six. She blames me because I am the one who left and in her young eyes my husband is wonderful.


Thank you all for your advice. It really does help. I just needed to hear from some one on the outside who wasn't so close to the situation. As I said before, my friends and family are very afraid I will take him back. That alone is a good reason not to. They have been so supportive of me and my children.

 
Old 03-10-2011, 09:08 AM   #10
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Re: Need advice on marriage

Please don't think I was accusing you of abandoning your son, just pointing out that he may, deep down inside, feel like that is what happened. I understand how difficult it can be.

You should only take him back if that's what you really want, and you said yourself that you don't. You can't take him back because of your daughter, because it won't work.

Nurture the relationship your daughter has with him as it wouldn't be fair to her to stop him seeing her. If he stays true to form she may well find out sooner than later what he is really like.

 
Old 03-10-2011, 09:21 AM   #11
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Re: Need advice on marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ely4 View Post
...

Nurture the relationship your daughter has with him as it wouldn't be fair to her to stop him seeing her. If he stays true to form she may well find out sooner than later what he is really like.
Yeah, I know what Ely means here, but let's hope that this man (her father) is being truthful rather than pretending to be who he is not. I know that after a certain age people can become mellow and change for the better is possible.

 
Old 03-10-2011, 11:47 AM   #12
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Re: Need advice on marriage

I just wanted to make one other point - you said you hesitate to divorce because you feel it's not what God wants you to do. Do you think God wants you to suffer for the rest of your life for a mistake you made when you were 18? Do you think God wants you to be lonely and unhappy for the rest of your life because you married the wrong man when you were too young to know him and know yourself enough to be able to really choose a life partner? Do you think God wants you to go back to a man who has hurt your son and disappointed him so badly that he doesn't even want to speak to him?

 
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