I'm 23 and I've been in my current relationship for 3 years now. We have an amazing relationship, but it took a rough patch a few years ago to get to where we are.
We met at work, he moved to nyc to go to school, but still worked for the same company. We talked and dated while he lived out there, and I visited with him frequently. He wasn't the relationship type. Me I'm quite the opposite. He had only one semi-serious relationship. Club and partying type. Had been with many more women, then I had been with men.
About 2 years ago, I got very upset with him over a few things. When he moved back, he transfered back and occasionally worked in the same place as me. People we both worked with knew we were together. People would ask me if we were together and I would say yes. Come to find out the reason they were asking was because he was telling them we weren't. That makes me look like a nut job. Also after being together a year you would think I would have atleast met his parents. He wouldn't allow me to meet his family. I don't believe that I need to be a "part" of his family, but for them to know I exist, he had been such a big part of mine, it was just upsetting that it seemed like he was ashamed of me. On top of that he always told me he had no money, then goes out and buys $3000.00 dollars of electronic equipment.
That being said, we broke up for a few weeks, and he changed. I was so glad, he introduced me to his parents and sisters, and he no longer denied me at work. He said he did that because he hated people being in his business and it was like high school drama when people knew stuff. But recently I'm finding out stupid little BS things like he lied to me about his middle name and what his nationality is. Now really I think that those are really petty things to lie about. But I don't want to throw away 3 years away over something stupid .... Any opinions?
Individually, I think each item could be understood. Together, it's a bit too much for me.
If I were lying about something silly like my middle name, I would not want the person to meet my family.
I can understand not wanting co-workers to be in my business. I can understand not making a formal announcement in the first few months. But after that window of time, to me, it becomes more about denial.
I can also understand "protecting" your money. I have know people who expect you to spend every penny you have because they do. So who knows why he did that.
I'm not to clear on the time line. How long ago did you meet his family? How long was it before he came out about you to his co-workers?
What does your gut tell you? To me, it's all a bit too much. As I said, I could see rolling with any of these individually. But this list seems like a lot of issues. And believe me, the last thing to do is stay with someone because you have 3 years invested when you are still under 25! (Well, really any time but definitely not that young!) Next year you'll have 4 years invested. That's just the way time works. You have to decide if this pattern continues how many more things you can cope with adding to this list each year.
I agree with everything resolution posted. Here's the thing, it doesn't matter if you invested a year or 3 or 7 or 10, that doesn't matter - if the problem is bad enough. You're going to have to decide how much you're willing to put up with and accept from him or if you're just over it and think it's time to move on. Don't ever let the number of years you spent with someone be a reason to stay because it's never a good enough reason to stay if the issues in the relationship are bad enough, from your perspective.
I wasn't asking him to announce that we were together, but that fact that people have seen us out and together over the course of a year gets kind of hard to deny. Why would you lie especially after knowing that they have asked me and I have told them yes. For a while I went with it thinking he would get over it but it ended up being just as much if not more work to lie about it. And it took a year for him to introduce me to his parents. I told him I wasn't asking him to be as big a part of his family as he was with mine but, after a year of staying at my house 3 to 5 nights a week and going to family parties/events, you think his parents might wonder what he was doing, because at the time he was still living at home because he had recently moved home from nyc. This was about 2 years ago. Things have changed dramatically since, I go to his house, I hang out with him and his sisters. But in recent conversations between me and him and his sisters I found out his middle name is different then what he told me it was and that his nationality is different as well. I just don't get it.
Why don't you just ask him why he lied about his name?
Yeah, I would also encourage you to ask him this question. But wait a moment, doesn't it get old for you to keep asking him questions: why did you do that? why didn't you do that? etc etc... I don't find this particularly amusing.
Hmmm, you say you have an amazing relationship. Would you please elaborate on this? What makes this an amazing relationship?
If he's lying about lots of small things, it makes me wonder what other, bigger things he's been lying about.
Do you want to spend your life repeatedly uncovering his lies?
3 years is not a long time, you can't use that as an excuse to stay. People have spent 20+ years in a marriage and still had time to make a happy life after it ended.
Talk to him, ask him why. If you are happy with his explanation then you can move on from this. If he won't talk to you, or you are unhappy with his explanation, you have to decide whether or not you can live with his deceit or walk away for good.
Seems to me that if he simply didn't want people in his business, he would have taken you aside and said "we don't need to let all these people know our business from the get-go, do we?" seems to me he would have let you in on it, but he didn't. Why do you think that is that he didn't tell YOU that he was going around telling everyone you two weren't a couple?
I could be way off base here, but I kind of get the feeling these little lies are a way of keeping you at a distance. He may seem like he's changed and has let you into his life more, but I don't know, he sounds like a pretty big playah to me. I can't tell you what to do, but me personally, I wouldn't have the patience or even the desire at this stage of my life to mess with a man who can't be forthright and honest with me, even about seemingly little things like his middle name or nationality. think about it...have you ever told little white lies about yourself, embellished a bit, or just didn't want the person you're talking to know your business or the truth about something in your personal life? How close to you was the person you fibbed to? Who are you more likely to hide the truth about yourself from, a trusted best friend, dear close family member, or just acquaintances? And that's how close he sees you.
If all of these odd things happened in the first year and things have improved dramatically since, then I think it's pretty obvious he simply did not expect you to be anyone long term with him when you first started dating. I think he was having fun. He was who he wanted to be, middle name, nationality and all. He was playing games, inventing who he was with you. As I said, if I was inventing myself for a relationship I would be reluctant to for them to meet my family very fast and out me for all of my lies.
If all of this happened in the first year I'd really bet you ended up being far more in his life than he expected. And once that happens it's kind of hard to back out of things. I think he didn't want the co-workers to know for the same reason. If you'd been a 3 month fling, what do they need to know for?
If he's really changed and you can't pin any of these oddities on him after year one....if year two and three have been very different, I'd actually give him a pass on the first year and his quirks. Maybe he's just grown up since then. He probably would never want to tell you that he was hiding you from friends and co-workers because he thought he'd be dumping you after 3 or 4 weeks. So in an odd way, if that's what he was doing at the time, it's kind of sweet that he's want to protect you from knowing that now.
Only you know if he really is a different person now then he was in that first year. And truthfully, if he is completely different, I might be more inclined to let the stories end. But this is all only contingent on him no longer being that person. If it was more than him playing relationship mystery date, very few people can actually change if they have the need to create myths and lies about themselves. So be careful. Be true to the situation. Give him a break if he deserves it, call him on things if he doesn't and mostly, at your age, do not stay if you don't love him with all your heart. I don't want to harp but you deserve a shot at that and it's far to early to settle for someone you're not really sure about.
Some people lie compulsively and instinctively. They might be morally upstanding in every other way, but when it comes to telling the truth, there's nothing inside them that compels them to do that. They don't feel that lying is wrong. They don't feel guilty about it at all, although they feel embarrassed when they get caught, and may pretend remorse when that happens.
It usually starts when they are very young, and by the time they're grown up, it's a deeply ingrained habit.
They lie about big things and little things, relevant things and irrelevant things.
There's no real agenda. They just get a little thrill out of misleading people.
They don't tend to change or outgrow this.
It's a personality trait that tends to stick with people for life.
You need to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a compulsive liar, someone you'll never be able to trust.
my opinion : i think hes immature. seriously though , the lying little things or big things, then denying you are together. proud boyfriend hey? doesnt sound like it. he is immature . however if he has changed then thats good and i hope for you that he keeps it up but the question is can you believe he wont lie again ? plus i agree with what another post said if he can lie about small silly things what else is he capable of lying about. usually once trust has been broken it can't be fixed or it takes a very long time. its like a vase, shattered in pieces, or broken but can be glued back together BUT it just will never be the same.
Last edited by cryingforever; 03-11-2011 at 12:40 AM.