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Old 03-11-2011, 03:34 AM   #1
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so upset - please help

My parents are very active in their 70's - my dad still works and my mom is retired and I have two older brother need it. My youngest brother who ever since he married his wife became a different person. He has been married for almost 17 years now and has two children. He barely comes over to visit my mom but two times a year and lives only 30 minutes away. His children don't even acknowledge my dad and they don't know who I am - I am their aunt. They didn't show up for their 50th wedding anniversary because it was an adult party only. They are late for every event. My oldest brother was married recently and my youngest brother was late and he was the best man. My youngest brother's wife hates me and I don't even know why - she won't talk to anyone in my family - we never did anything to this woman at all for the last 17 years. When they do visit my parent, my brother stays downstairs and talks to everyone and the wife runs upstairs with her children or goes outside and does not socialize at all. When my mother tries to have a conversation with her daughter in law she can only say a few words because you never know when she will snap. Like my mom asked how her parents were doing and she snapped and said "I don't want to talk about it" - so know one talks to her. We all just ignore her because she doesn't want to talk. She told me I was mean because I am homeschooling my kids and I am keeping them back from a real education and socializing with other kids. She is just so nasty and doesn't see it and demands respect from other people and people are stupid enough to give it to her.

I haven't seen them in two years and I live 40 minutes away. My brother never calls me. If you call them, you will get an answering machine and you may get a call back. I stopped calling them 10 years ago. They are just rude people.

My husband does more for my parents than both my brothers combined. My parents often complain how badly they are treated by them and they dread the visits but they still give them the utmost respect. I can go on forever with the things they have done and made my mom go to tears. Recently, my mother has been giving them money for their birthday and they do not bother to call to say "Thank You" - they came to visit my mom and my mom paid for dinner at a restaurant - now wouldn't you stop your mom from paying if she was retired? Not my brother - so cheap! My brother's wife hoards everything - her house is like those homes you see on the The Learning channel "confessions of a hoarder" no lie. They have two incomes and she saves every penny for her kids college.

About two years ago my dad had a heart attack. They came to visit him in the hospital but went to an amusement park afterwards. My oldest brother and I were standing close to my mom while they went to their amusement park. I couldn't think of an amusement park while my dad sits in a hospital. Was my parents there for me when I was kid in the hospital of course and I would be their for them.

My sister in law has two kids - a 8 year old and a 14 year old - her 14 year old just had a birthday. She got upset with her parents because she didn't get a computer. So she got so upset that she threw fits and my brother called my dad and told them so my parents ended up sending the 14 year old $200.00 - they didn't tell me about it and in fact my mom basically lied to me and told me she didn't give her much as far as money. She knows if she told me she gave them $200.00 I would throw a fit. I don't care about how much is given - it is just the fact that people give no respect and they are treated poorly.

About a year ago my brother told my mom that he was treated poorly growing up because he felt my dad was too strict and that is why he doesn't have to do with my dad and that he won't bring his kids around him either. He has enough guts to call my dad and give him a sob story and get money out of him - isn't that sad. My dad basically saved my brother from going to jail when he was young because he was involved in drugs. My kids are always around my dad - my dad would give the shirt off his back.

I am just upset right now and very shocked that my mom would lie big time and treat these people like royalty after what they keep continuing to do what they do and that is being rude and disrepectful to them. My parents keep accepting them no matter what name they call them and my mom acts like a different person around this lady like she is god. No one stands up to this lady and say your rude - I did once but she treats me like I am non existing. My other sister in law does the same thing. My mom and dad complains to me how bad these people are but hands over money to them. My other sister in law sends their kids money too and gets no thank you's. I am the only smart one who gives them nothing. These are the kind of people who would show up at your doorstep when you die and ask where is my share.

 
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Old 03-11-2011, 04:59 AM   #2
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Re: so upset - please help

I know what you mean. I know it doesn't help you very much, but actually the only help we can give you is to listen to you and to remind you that all families - and I mean ALL - have their share of troublemakers, nasty in-laws, and skeletons in the closet.

Try to overlook the rudeness of these people. Perhaps life will teach them a lesson, perhaps not. That is not your problem.

I don't think your parents are mentally incompetent, they know what they are doing, they simply can't resist the emotional blackmail. I don't think there is some legal procedure for you to stop them from doing it, unless they are about to dilapidate their own fortune and thus harm the other inheritors. Anyway, you might talk to a lawyer and see what he advises you to do.

 
Old 03-11-2011, 05:15 AM   #3
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Re: so upset - please help

I'm sorry but there is really nothing that you can do about it. You have severed your relationship with them but you cannot make your parents do the same. Just try to stay out of it.

 
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Old 03-11-2011, 06:19 AM   #4
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Re: so upset - please help

I agree with the others. There is nothing you can do about it. I know it drives you crazy to see your parents mistreated this way, but some parents will willingly take the abuse from their kids just to keep them in their lives. That's just how it is.

All you need to do is concentrate on your own relationship with your parents. Just keep fostering your own relationship and leave the rest of it for them to sort out.

 
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Old 03-11-2011, 09:22 AM   #5
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Re: so upset - please help

You know he is your parents' son. They always will love him because of this. There is nothing you can do. You are asking them to do you justice to treat him in the "right" way, but there is no such thing because he is their son. Your Mom may feel sorry for him. Just ignore them - it is between your parents and this son.
Just make sure this son won't "cheat" them for big thing. For small things like restaurant food, just let them be. It may be the only way your parents try to show love to him. I know he is a big guy now but this is always between parents and kids as you know.

Just focus on your own relationship with your parents and I am sure they appreciate your help and they do know. It also comes down to their values or concept, so this does not mean they are incompetent.

Regards,
NC

Last edited by ninamarc; 03-11-2011 at 09:54 AM.

 
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Old 03-11-2011, 10:22 AM   #6
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Re: so upset - please help

I have no advice for you because i am in similar situation as you and wanted you to know i know that frustrating feeling. my brother and his girlfriend treat my parents like rubbish, use and abuse , yet my parents do EVERYTHING for them. they are horrible people. i used to get so annoyed at my parents for putting with it and doing so much for them but now i let them get on with it. suppose that is my advice, let them get on with it. even though it is extremely hard to see.

 
Old 03-11-2011, 05:21 PM   #7
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Re: so upset - please help

all of you are right - I will stay out of it - but if she tries to talk to me about how they abused her I will say "I don't want to talk about it"

I feel this "what comes around, goes around" maybe one day my brother and sister in law will see how important my parents are one day.

 
Old 03-12-2011, 05:16 AM   #8
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Re: so upset - please help

It is really hard to see this kind of behaviour towards your parents, but the bottom line is that there is nothing much you can do about it. The relationship between your parents and your brothers is really out of your control, and is their business. Whatever dynamic exists is in place and the only people who can change any part of it are the parties themselves. No matter what they do now, to your parents they are still their "children" and they will not be willing to cut them out of their lives. Do not give your mother a hard time so she feels that she has to lie to you so you won't get mad at her..that will just place a distance between you and she will have no close kids. She chose to give the money, it is her money and you really have no right to get on her case about it. Step back, enjoy and support your parents and let them deal with keeping a thread of positive contact alive with their other children.

 
Old 03-12-2011, 06:38 AM   #9
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Re: so upset - please help

Just another note to let you know this is very common.

My brothers both walked away. If there was nothing to be done for them, (babysitting for their kids, gifts for their kids, something for them) they were absent. Then when our parents became disabled by age, they were invisible.

They have no guilt. None. It's just who they are and what they did.

One had an erratic wife. On the rare occasions I would take my Mom to their home, she may or may not have talked to us. Sitting in the room, watching TV, ignoring us. Next time she'd talk and be friendly. The other we found out later wasn't such a bag egg, but my brother "used" her to blame all issues on. ("Oh, we would have been to the cookout but my wife didn't want us to go." Divorce did wonders to dispel some of those stories. We found out she thought he DID go to the cookouts without her when he was really just enjoying a little something different!)

The older I get the more I think family in the sense we dream it, is a fantasy. I care very little about it anymore and pick and choose those within my family that I care about as I would my friends.

Nothing you can do about it. Nothing you can do about how your parents feel or react. Another one of those life things that's not fair or fun....but look how much company you have!

 
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