We've been together for almost 2 years, living together for 6 months or so.
In this time we've been through A LOT together, money problems, job issues, a lot of family issues, always staying together and strong, helping each other and each other's families through everything.
We're not already married, mostly because of external things. If it were for us we'd be already married and having children (we both want to have children, although we want to be more secure financially first).
The reason why I'm writing is because last night he had an "anger attack" against one of our cats. It has happened in the past and it's something that bothers me a lot and it's starting to give me second thoughts.
He comes home angry for other reasons (maybe something in the office, or really bad traffic), and then arrives home and finds out the cat threw the telephone on the floor, he goes ballistic and hits the cat.
He's the type of guy that can be VERY upset but without showing it, and he keeps things up until he explodes, sadly he explodes for anything and "against" anybody that might have nothing to do with what's been going on.
For example, one morning we went to pick up out car and found out someone broke one of the windows and stole everything from inside. The car was a mess, and the things they left behind were all broken or dirty. We called the cops who didn’t want to take our complaint (too long to explain) and he was really mad.
In our way to fix the windows, while we were parking, another car almost hits us for passing us too close, even when we were using the lights to let everybody know we were parking. He started yelling, wanting to get down the car and hurt the other driver / break his car. He even started chasing the other car.
Yes, he was right. The other driver putted us in danger, but can't he see / accept the fact that he was already mad, and in other circumstances he wouldn't be as mad as he was? Or what the other driver was stupid and that's it... not big enough to go and get into a fight?
The other day we went back home and found the cat threw something. We have to remember that we have 2 cats and they're all alone during the entire day when he used to work from home... so it's natural that the cats get bored and start breaking things.
He went crazy, grabbed the cat (who's deft btw) and started yelling and then threw the cat against a wall.
I did such a scene that he had to leave the house. Later he'd say that for some reason I can't trust him, that he knows he won't kill the cat, he "controls" how much strength he uses... But I hated him that night. Violence is something that I don’t want to tolerate in any way.
Yesterday after grabbing the cat, yelling and throwing it, he started picking up what the cat threw and found his mom's sleeping pills and started taking them out of the can and throwing them on the floor saying "Let's see if it takes them and finally dies". When I said he couldn't do that he said he could, because it's his cat and he can do whatever he wants with his cat.
I said I wasn't going to stay there watching him hurt the cats, and started getting ready to leave the house, then he said that sometimes it's so frustrating the way I become his enemy (because I was against what he was doing).
He started picking up the pills, so I stayed. I have to confess that I stayed mostly because I have no place to go with the cats, and I was afraid to leave them alone with him (I didn't want to drive to my parent's because I know it'd be a big deal for them).
We had dinner and he acted like nothing happened for the rest of the night.
No, I'm not afraid. I don't think he would ever hurt me. But as days goes by I tend to have less and less wishes of having a child with him because today he goes against the cats, tomorrow against a child?
Today he texted me telling he felt I was distant. I thought he was kidding. I told him I was worried about what happened last night and that I knew I didn't want to live like that (with fear of him hurting the cats or other person).
He replied that he was glad I was able to speak out (I also tend to keep things inside) and thanked me for that. Then said it wasn't something we could talk over txt. He said he understands what I'm saying and it wasn't one of his brightest nights and he acknowledges that many of his reactions are like that. He also said that he believes people can change and learn to control themselves, but that certain things come with the DNA. He apologizes but said that he's also the way I saw him yesterday. He asked me to think about it, to talk about it tonight and find a solution together, without fighting. That nobody is obligated to live in a way that doesn't want to.
Uff… excuse me for the vent. I’m starting to get worried about it and I feel I can’t talk with anybody about it because I don’t want them to change the way they see him. He’s not a violent person but he does react that way and I start to stress out the very same moment I get into the car, afraid he’ll explode against another driver.
I used to not being able to imagine my life and my family without him, or even remember my life before him. Today I found myself thinking of the steps I have to follow to leave him: find an apartment I can afford by myself that allows cats, thinking of all the stuff I have in his apartment and the way I can move them by myself and the way we could agree for him to visit the cats whenever he wants, but not in my apartment.
I know if I leave him I don’t want him to enter my new place or I wouldn’t be able to move on. I know myself.
I love him to death but it’s getting hard. Tonight we’ll have a chat, we’ll see how it goes. I'm gonna ask him to go back to therapy but I'd like to go to the first session because I want the therapist to hear my side of the story too.
If you have any advice, it’ll be highly appreciated.
Thanx for listening,
* Excuse my sometimes poor English, it's not my primary language *
First, I would say that he is more than your boyfriend, he is your partner, because you have been living together for some time now. Okay, these are just words, and perhaps the difference between a boyfriend and a partner is negligible.
Second, it is all in his hands. It's hard to say what he needs in order to placate his anger: some might suggest psychoanalysis, others might suggest meditation, medication, aikido, bodybuilding, natural foods, whatever. He must find the most suitable way for himself, and it will probably be a long way for him to go.
Third, you, too, must be prepared for a long "journey," for ups and downs, for relapses, for his wanting give up, for depression bouts, etc... I think that, if you really love him, you could give a try and after a period of say six months, see if there has been any improvement and decide if it is worth while trying on or moving on.
In the meantime, I would suggest that he should give up the cats and let you look after them alone. Moving into a smaller town, where life is easier and the stress from heavy traffic, pollution, noise, etc is reduced, would also be a good idea, but it may be difficult for you to find a good job there. He needs vacations periodically and to restablish a good and natural sleep pattern, and it would also help if he found time for a hobby, some kind of work where he would use his hands and his dexterity.
I think that you are right in your planning to leave. If it were me, this would be a deal breaker. You are right, if he can do that to an animal then, yes, he will be able to do it to a child as well.
When people tell you something about themselves, believe it. He has told you that this is the way that he is, that it is in his DNA.
If I were you, I'd get out with the cats NOW. They are not safe with him. And when you do get out, allowing him to visit the cats is totally out of the question. If he wants to fight you on that point then call the police because what he has done is animal abuse.
If you stay with this man, if you marry this man, if you have children with this man, you can expect a life time of violent outbursts.
I don't even like animals but this post has me upset. When I was a small child my grandfather threw a new puppy of ours against the wall and killed it and I remember it like it was yesterday even though it was 40 years ago.
Unless you want your children to grow up with a father like this then leave NOW.
I am stunned that you would even remotely consider having kids with this monster. If he can't even handle a couple of cats making a mess, what do you think is going to happen when a kid does the same thing? If any guy, no matter how long we were together, threw my cat against the wall, I would take the cat and leave the house and never come back. I don't care what his lame excuse is, that kind of behavior is completely and totally unacceptable.
I already know what's going to happen if you have kids with this monster. The baby will scream and cry, as all babies do, and he will get mad and throw it against the wall or shake it to death. If by some miracle the baby actually makes it through infanthood into the 2-3 year age mark, and he or she makes a mess in the house, as kids always do, he will get mad and probably kill the kid. He has proven that he has severe anger management issues and the most frequent target for his anger has been the cats, and eventually it will be toward the kids.
That's why you need to get out now. You say you've been through a lot with him, big deal? That means nothing when you're talking about a monster who throws defensless animals against the wall and tries to make them eat sleeping pills to kill them. He is a deranged and sick individual and frankly I find it hard to believe you can handle being in the same room with him without being totally grossed out by what a horrible person he is.
In view of the strong responses from the other posters, and probably more similar responses are on their way, I found myself thinking that I was probably too mild in my attempt to picture a more positive outcome for this and a possible cure for him.
I will not delete my first post, however, because to me it seems you haven't made up your mind and are waiting for what comes up in the conversation you are having with him tonight.
My advise is that a) this conversation should be like an ultimatum, and b) even if you decide not to break up with him, and arrangements are made for him to enter therapy or whatever to keep his angry behavior in check, you should go separate ways for a period, until he is ready, if ever, to live with you as a healthy couple again, or for the first time in your life.
First and foremost, thank you for your replies.
I'm really surprised, to be honest about what you had to say about the situation.
I came here to check if I was exaggerating and now I can say I wasn't.
Yes, tonight an ultimatum will be made. I never planned to say "what do you think if you go back to therapy?", I was rather planning on saying YOU HAVE TO GO BACK.
Now I'm wondering if I should say "if you don't go back then I go away" OR if I wait for him to say he wants to go, in order to save our couple. If he doesn't, I just go away.
I'm wondering this because some part of me believes that if you don't seek help wanting to get it, you just go and waste time in a doctor office... getting no where.
I believe it's time for me to speak out with people who do know us both.
I'm already checking appartments online, now I'll write a couple of emails and we'll see what happens tonight.
Thank you for your replies. I'm not sure I'm ready to give up on him just yet. Maybe tomorrow I'll think differently.
* Excuse my sometimes poor English, it's not my primary language *
don't waste your time giving ultimatums....just leave with your cats.....
he's an abuser, and also an animal abuser, and there are laws against that.
you don't need this in your life. your cats are innocent and have no choice....please take them with you and all of you get to a safe place and put this behind you forever.....
He will kill those poor cats, no decent person throws a cat against a wall just because they can't control their own temper. One day soon it will be you that he hurts, and if you have a baby together that baby won't be safe from his temper either.
I doubt anger management classes will work, he doesn't admit he has a problem.
This abuse is most likely to escalate. You need to take those cats and leave, or throw him out if possible.