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Old 03-11-2011, 12:48 PM   #1
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Miss My Ex Grilfriend

Well, here's my story

I broke up with my ex girlfriend almost a month ago now, we were together for 4.5 years and engaged to be married. We have had a relationship with ups and downs just like everyone else has and the last month or two we were together I felt like we were growing apart. The last time I had this feeling she ended up leaving me for three months. It was a horrible break-up, beyond what you could imagine and after three months she asked me to take her back, which I did.

We had been back together for a little over a year when I decided that we should take a break. We have had zero contact other than what pops up on my news feed on facebook from her, which I have now blocked her news feed, but not her profile entirely.

Once in a while I get the urge to check her profile to see what she's been up to and a few things have struck me as a little odd. She is suddenly a HUGE hockey fan as well as a Boston Bruins fan and is even going to a game next week. The only reason she knows anything about hockey is because hockey is my life, it's my one true love and now all of a sudden it's hers. She also has not changed any of her passwords, and she uses my name as her passwords, now don't get me wrong I don't go through her stuff. For the hell of it the other day I just wanted to check because the last time she broke up with me she changed her passwords within the hour, but this time she has changed nothing. Im confused because the last time she broke up with me I didnt change mine so she could check my profile and see that I wasnt up to anything and wasnt dating anyone and I told her that when we got back together. I hope I havent lost you in all this if you are reading.

My question is this, why would she all of a sudden be such a huge hockey fan? Why hasn't she changed her passwords that she uses my name for? oh and by the way, the game she is going to is a Rangers vs. Bruins game next week.....three years ago for our one year anniversary the two of us went to a Bruins vs. Rangers game, weird? or is it just me?

 
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Old 03-11-2011, 02:43 PM   #2
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

No one except her knows why she all the sudden likes hockey. (The World Champion Blackhawks rule over all, by the way! WooHoo!) Only she can tell you why she is in her mind.

That being said, you need to stop logging into her account. You guys are broken up so there is no reason for you to check her stuff. You guys shouldn't share passwords anyway but especially now that you're done, it's not your concern what she is doing or where she is or with whom. It's time for you to move on and stop worrying about what she is doing.

 
Old 03-11-2011, 03:03 PM   #3
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

Robi,

I think you are hurting yourself by keeping an eye on her like that. Why she would continue with your name as her password, I don't know. She could just be too lazy to change it, or she doesn't think you would look, I don't know.

But what ever her reasons are, you still need to do some self monitoring to avoid causing yourself un-needed pain. Break-ups are always hard, especially after one as long as this one, but please remember why you broke up...Focus on that, rather than the "what if's" that you are focusing on now. If it were me, I would send her a message and ask her to change her passwords, making your temptation easier to deal with.

It sounds like you planted the seed of Hockey fan in her, and she may have gotten free tickets or was asked to go to the game by a friend. Her being a hockey fan is a good thing, as there can never be too many!

I encourage you to be easy on yourself. Time will heal your feelings of missing her, especially if you are out keeping busy yourself. Let yourself make this the true end, and let go of the past. Close one door, and a window will open. You just have to close that door hard and lock it shut.

 
Old 03-11-2011, 03:44 PM   #4
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

Rob,
First of all let me say how sorry I am to hear that you are going through this. Breaking up is a hard thing to do no matter the situation.

I can't speak to her actions with the hockey game, status updates or not changing her password but I can say if it was me why I would be doing those things. As much as you are looking at her FB, I am sure she is looking at yours. I would be doing these things so that you can see them, plain and simple.

Second, it is not healthy for you to continue to follow her. If you are serious about the break up and not wanting to have a relationship with each other, you both need to move on. That would include deleting eachother off of space and FB. You will never heal if you don't.

It will get better as time goes on, I promise you.

Alexis

Last edited by lexidrifts13; 03-11-2011 at 04:04 PM.

 
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Old 03-12-2011, 12:40 AM   #5
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

There are a number of reasons why she could be doing those things. She might be missing you and going to the hockey as a way of keeping memories alive, she might have someone else to go with, or someone who likes hockey who she's trying to impress. She might just want to go to the hockey.

As for the passwords, she may have just not got round to it yet. She may not be ready to completely let go yet. The only person who can tell you any of this is her.

This is making it harder for you to move on and accept that it's over. My advise is to let it drop, stop looking at her updates and stop accessing her account.

 
Old 03-12-2011, 07:51 AM   #6
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

Thanks,

I dont access her accounts to snoop around, that's just creepy, a few days ago it popped into my head and I wondered if she had changed her passwords, so i checked. When we were together we had an open relationship and nothing to hide so neither of us cared if we knew each others passwords. I changed all of my passwords within the hour that I left her, last year when we broke up she changed hers within the hour that she left me. It's definately not that she's too lazy or hasn't gotten around to changing them, I know her too well and I believe there is a reason for it. As some of you have pointed out, maybe she's just not ready to let go as her passwords are my name and racing number. She also took one of my racing jerseys when she left that has my name and racing number on the back of it, I found that odd as well.

It's always hard to let go, especially after being together for so long and knowing so much about each other. It's hard for every little thing not to remind me of her, I keep as busy as I can, but it only goes so far with being a college student who lives off campus and works part time. All my money goes to bills so there's not much money left to go out and have a good time, I'm also in an area where I don't know anyone. So this makes it much harder to keep busy. If I was back home, which I will be in two months when I graduate, this will be much easier as I have friends and family to surround myself with. Oh, and I'm a senior majoring in psychology, so this makes things a little more difficult as I have been training myself for four years now to look into things deeply and with optimism.

We were in engaged and in the middle of making wedding plans, so the headline shouldn't read ex-girlfriend but ex-fiance' instead. So our relationship was a little more than is may have sounded. To go from being ready to spend your life with someone to walking away is hard to do, and it's the staying away that is becoming the most difficult.

I think one thing that's making it hard for me is that I'm finding it hard to move on because I haven't seen anything from her that she has moved on, does that sound weird? My mom went through the same deal when she divorced my dad in that she had a hard time moving on until she found out that my dad had moved on.

Last edited by robj118; 03-12-2011 at 08:04 AM.

 
Old 03-12-2011, 03:40 PM   #7
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

Your additional information does add to the story and the significance of this particular Hockey Game. She knows you are watching her, and this would really knock you for a loop.

It was your choice to end the relationship, correct? She may be letting you know that she is going on with her life, doing what you wish you were doing this weekend...She is likely rubbing this in your face a bit, which I think is quite rude. It is her way of getting you back for leaving her.

The best thing you can do is cut off contact unless you want to give it another try. Then you open yourself up for rejection..or whatever she replies with. At this point, you are farthest away from her. If is truly the end, you must make it so.

I am sorry it hurts so badly. We all go through it, it is what we learn about ourselves in the process that counts. If we can learn enough to not have to make the same mistakes over again, is valuable. Putting some of your college training to use on yourself is also good use of your time and money.

I commend you for reaching out for help when you see it coming, that is a fine quality. That way, your decision making can stop any problems before they have a chance to bury themselves so deep that they require more time to both uncover them, and then address them.

We see young (and old) people here everyday that continue to practice the same life style every day, and expect their lives to change without the needed work to be done. No one wants to do that part. but without it, there will be no change.

Hang in there... We are here for you, for support and friendship...

 
Old 03-12-2011, 04:46 PM   #8
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

Yes, it was my choice to end the relationship. Writeleft, I believe you're on to something I think she wants me to see how great her life is going and all the things she is out doing and enjoying and how she has money to spend. She knows that I dont have the money to go out because they cut my hours down at work and I'm going to school and paying for an apartment (and a dog) on my own. she's letting it be known and twisting the knife a little while she's at it.
It's funny how I can read another post and come up with helpful advice yet I find it difficult to follow my own advice. Deep down I would love to be back with her, but then I know that only after a few weeks I'm going to be right back where I was before I decided to leave her. I think it's time to just make that leap and delete her from my phone, my F.B. and from my life. I know it's something I NEED to do, but as I am sure you understand, it is very difficult to do.
Another question would be, in my spare time i have wrote a letter, its basically a final goodbye to her, in a way it's an apology as well. I never gave her a real reason for the end of our relationship so it's basically offering her closure to everything........should I give this to her? It's a REALLY long letter, just under 10 pages. We havent spoken in a month though

 
Old 03-12-2011, 05:00 PM   #9
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

Quote:
Yes, it was my choice to end the relationship. Writeleft, I believe you're on to something I think she wants me to see how great her life is going and all the things she is out doing and enjoying and how she has money to spend. She knows that I dont have the money to go out because they cut my hours down at work and I'm going to school and paying for an apartment (and a dog) on my own. she's letting it be known and twisting the knife a little while she's at it.
And we can sympathize with you and tell you what a jerk she's being, because you're the one that's here, and your side of the story is the only one we're hearing.
But the truth is, if she were here telling her side, I'm sure we'd be sympathizing with her and cheering her on.

You broke up with her.
She has the right to do whatever she needs to do in order to heal the heartbreak of being dumped, including going out a lot, having lots of fun, and rubbing your face in the fact that she's moved on.

Why not take the moral high road and be glad she's being social and having lots of fun instead of hiding in her room, crying and depressed, taking drugs and thinking about slitting her wrists?
I mean, you once cared about this person, right?

Every time you see her, just think to yourself, "God, I am so glad to see you laughing and having fun, moving on with your life. I'm so glad our relationship didn't permanently damage you."

Even if you know she's just doing it to get to you, still think that.
Because it means she is okay.

Have you ever broken up with someone and had them become suicidally depressed? I have, and it's not fun.
If I were you, I'd just be glad you didn't do her any real damage, smile and wave when you see her (genuinely), and move on with your own life.

Best of luck.

Last edited by Kali333; 03-12-2011 at 05:01 PM.

 
Old 03-12-2011, 05:56 PM   #10
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

Kali333,
True she does have every right to do as she pleases, when she pleases. I broke up with her and she needs to heal as do I. Just because I left her does not mean that I have suddenly become this cold heartless being that does not care for her. That's why I am here. I'm not denying nor am I challenging her time out with friends, spending money and having a great time.

I wish I could as well. But bills along with my hours at work being cut I am unable to do much more than going to the gym at the college, which is free, but even then I have to look at what kind of money I have for gas. You know when you hear about those broke college students? nice to meet you.

My only means have been questioning the manner in which she's doing it, the fact that she's going to a Bruins vs. Rangers game next Saturday strikes me as incredibly odd. Especially a game that holds GREAT significance to our relationship, sorry but it's the psychology side in me that's baffled. I mean she loves NASCAR, yeah I know such an interesting sport, and I do have a favorite driver but going to a NASCAR event, something she LOVES, would be the last thing I would do for fun in order to move on with my life.

I'm sorry if I come off as I am challenging anyones responses on here. I know I'm looking for answers that can't not be given, probably not even by me ex, and all of you who have responded have been in support of me with great advice and I appreciate all of it. Reading your posts and responding with my own has been very helpful

Last edited by robj118; 03-14-2011 at 06:56 PM.

 
Old 03-12-2011, 06:05 PM   #11
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

hi robj
i think you just need to move on. what made you decide to break up? Feeling like you were growing apart or is there more to it? I think you made the decision and now you are second guessing yourself. We all do that. What if's and woulda-coulda-shoulda are pure torture.

You should go out with friends. Invest your time in healing yourself and moving on. You can do it! I know its hard, trust me but it is something that you really need to do.

Only you know what is best for yourself and right now you are struggling with that. You have to distance yourself from her, completely. I wouldn't give her the letter.

Alexis

 
Old 03-12-2011, 10:44 PM   #12
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

Robi,

You are someone who really can use this place as it is best intended, and why this place works...getting the different perspectives and digging deeper under the skin a bit to really help you, not simply adding some lip service...poor you, you lost your fiance.

As this thread has progressed I have learned a lot, and I am now committed to see this one through. We invest in each other, and we get to see the real you. We are not afraid to jump in and express ourselves, and in a manner to be helpful and supportive, rather than bash Robi.

I support your integration of your education in psychology into your personal life..Of course you are! It is natural and would be silly to dis-arm it, even if you could. Psychology/Sociology are some of the areas I study on my own, as I think everyone should. It sure would make it easier.

You come across to me as a man who is looking a bit deeper into your feelings that are still attached to your ex-fiance. When the Hockey game came up, it hit a nerve.

I am reading some great advice here, from all angles. I am seeing a few more elements, as you have constructed your story. You painted a pretty good picture of a college student living on pop tarts and top ramen, while she is off to the Hockey Game. All the advise about "getting out there" and "ramp up your social life" are pointless.

As a single mom living on Social Security for the last 7 years following 4 strokes, I know the humble living. What you do have is time, as I do. When you don't have money you do have time. You have time to think this one out, and make this major turning point, with a solid end and a fresh start in a new direction. You are at a great point for personal growth.

 
Old 03-12-2011, 10:52 PM   #13
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

lexidrifts13,
There were a multitude of things that caused me to break-up with her. I felt we were becoming distant, we didn't communicate at all, we fought over stupid little things all the time, I was always in a bad mood and she was always in a bad mood, finacial strain, we had both been stressed from living off campus and dealing with college and work at the same time, its our senior year of college so there are a lot of expectations put on us. We are both going to be the FIRST ones in our families to graduate college.

I think with everything that has kept us busy we have been too busy for a relationship. It felt more like I had a roommate than a fiance' living with me. It was like we just dealt with each other, there was no affection between us, either me towards her and visa versa.

I mean, yeah there are plenty of other things that I could go on about but I'm not here to bash my ex. I'm sure that for every flaw that I could point out of hers, she could equally point out just as many flaws of my own. Sometimes I think we should have looked into couples therapy maybe like once a month or so, but my thought has always been that if two people need therapy to be together then should they really be together?

I've found the perfect song to describe the situation. "Walk Away" by Five Finger Death Punch, got a little misty eyed the first time I heard it.

Last edited by robj118; 03-12-2011 at 10:55 PM.

 
Old 03-12-2011, 11:03 PM   #14
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

Writeleft,
This kind of place really fits my personality. I love DEEP discussions that can dig up personal feelings/flaws and gives different perspectives/ideas. These are the kinds of discussions I wish I could have had with me ex, and the kinds of discussions I hope I can have in future relationships. It's at points like this in my life that puts the thought of changing my career path to something such as going to graduate school to be a marriage counselor. But who the hell would want date, not to mention marry, a marriage counselor?

I'm not the kind of guy who is afraid to talk about feelings, sometimes I can get a little too deep for people to handle. I'm not on this site to entirely focus on my own problems, I have been reading through a lot of the posts people have put on here and have tried to give my perspective on things when I felt I could have some meaningful input for them. So funny how it's easy to give advice yet so difficult to evaluate my own situation.

 
Old 03-12-2011, 11:26 PM   #15
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Re: Miss My Ex Grilfriend

It works really well for me too. I came here years ago when I was trying to recover from 4 strokes, re-learning my reading and writing, thinking through a sentence, AND trying to understand what happened to the old me, and who was the new me? I have been here ever since, and the sharing of our feelings with others and getting support from those who had already been there was tremendous. I would have had no idea such a place existed unless I had not had such a traumatic event in my life.

I am sorry to have gotten off point... I have lost my train of thought, I apologize. I will have to go off, and come back when I am clear of mind. Poof!

 
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