Okay, I've been depressed for the past 2 or 3 days so any help ASAP will be greatly appreciated...
So my boyfriend has an ex girlfriend in Germany... he knows German, and he still speaks it sometimes and it bothers me... I know this sounds weird, but I want to know if she's better looking than me because we are the same age and she's the only youngest girlfriend he has had... it really bugs me, how can I get this information from him without keeping the situation going? I know he's gonna want to talk about it because I bitched about it and now I'm trying to say forget it... but I feel I will still think about it and maybe he will too, just because he knows it's bothering me I guess... ugh I hate this! I just want it all to go away so we can go back to the way we were... I wish I didn't care as much as I do... I don't want him to know it bothers me, I just want to know who's better looking, is that so wrong?
i have to ask. if you found out that she looks really pretty ? then what ?
its a little bit silly dont you think ? sorry to be a little harsh but seriously if you found out a picture of her you will probably still compare yourself to her anyway. plus its not about looks, its about personality which is more attractive.
Last edited by cryingforever; 03-11-2011 at 05:33 PM.
For women, unfortunately, pretty is power. On the one hand I can understand you feeling insecure about an ex girlfriend and fretting a bit that she may be prettier than you, simply because, beauty is considered such a great asset in our culture. If you're pretty, you have a lot, no matter if you're stupid, incompetent, or just an awful, mean-spirited, selfish person, it doesn't matter if you're really pretty. And if you're not pretty, you can be smart as a whip, efficient, and kind-hearted, and sometimes it doesn't seem to be as important as some chick who's hot, even if that's all she's got.
BUT...that having been said - you are what you are, and she is what she is, and the most important thing she is, is his EX. And she's his EX for a reason. Now, it was a little unclear in your post, but you said she's in Germany, and he speaks German, and that bothers you? Do you mean that when he speaks German it reminds you that he's got an ex there and that bothers you, or did you mean he still speaks to her on the phone and still keeps in contact with her? Because if he does still keep in contact with her, I can understand that bothering you. BUT if they've broken off all contact, he doesn't mention her or speak with her anymore, then I'd say your problem is not perhaps having to compete with an ex girlfriend who's hotter than you. Your problem would be that you are dealing with some fairly significant insecurities, that are yours to deal with, and it's not fair of you to make your insecurities his problem. "Is she prettier than me?" is right up there with "do these jeans make my butt look big?" as far as turning men off and driving them away. If he's not giving you any good reason to be suspicious that he may go back to her or secretly misses her and wishes he could still be with her, and this whole "Is she prettier than me?" thing is just a wild hair you've gotten in yoour ear, then you really need to find a way to get past it and just let it be, or you'll drive him away, either right back to her, or to another woman, who may or may not be prettier than you, but who no doubt will be secure enough not to care.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 03-11-2011 at 09:42 PM.
First of all, the girl lives in a different country, on a whole different continent than you guys. That means there is no chance that he will randomly run into her or hook up again.
Secondly, she is his ex, so who cares what she looked like? I mean, what if you did find out she was prettier than you, then what happens next? What are you planning to do with that information? What's going to change once you know that answer? Are you going to do something differently! Is something supposed to change once you know?
As the others have said, you have to find a way to get over this massive insecurity. Guys really dislike insecure girls. They find them very unattractive. I suggest you find a way to stop this nonsense or else you will definitely lose him for sure.
A person's attractiveness isn't all about physical appearance anyway.
Energy, charisma, poise, social status, intelligence, sense of humor, (not to mention how good she was in bed)... seeing a picture of this girl will not tell you anything about how attractive she actually is in real life.
I think it won't help to see this girl at all. The only thing that may help is to ask him what quality he likes about you. As long as you look OK, it is nothing wrong with that. You are making the look a big deal for him but this is superficial. The character counts and the key is how you guys get along with each other.
The only thing one can learn from the past relationship is about the mistake he made and people always learn to make it better for the new relationship.
I too can never get any info. out of my husband. He just won't tell me about his past affairs before he married. I don't bother him with the details of my past either. It is better this way. The important part is you and him have a stable and solid relationship.