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Old 03-14-2011, 10:21 AM   #1
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Unhappy Please help-should I just leave?

Hi, I do not know if this is the proper board to post this on, but I do not know where to go or who to turn to.
I live with my boyfriend for 2 years now. Our relationship has never been great, but sometimes its good for awhile, but then our problems pop back up with a vengance. The thing is, I love him dearly but he has sex issues. He has been asking me since we met if I would have a threesome with him. I always said I would think about it, but I'm really not comfortable though. I had cancer years ago with multiple surgeries and chemo/radiation. My body has scars and the radiation left me with chronic swelling in my leg, so I have self esteem issues about my body. He always tells me I look great, but I don't believe him. I think he only says it to get me to do what he wants. Well, it has now gotten to the point where he becomes pushy about it. He keeps telling me he NEEDS to see me have sex with someone else, and if I not going to be with another man for him, I have to bring home a girl. I'm not a "prude" as he always calls me, nor am I boring, but he's hurting me and doesn't understand that when I am ready, IF I am ever ready, I will let him now. He tells me he doesn't want to be with me if I don't do it, and he even told me recently that I'd better work on finding a guy in the next few weeks to have sex with me in front of him. I keep thinking this will go away, but it seems to be getting worse with time. I wish he would get help, but he just says "this is me, and if you don't like it, then don't be with me". The truth is, I have left him several times, but every time I leave, he begs for me to come back and tells me it won't happen anymore and he's happy just being with me, and he won't bring it up anymore, but of course, it always comes up again. I feel like he is my pimp more than he is my boyfriend. I don't know what to do. I really don't have anywhere to go either since the only family I have is now in GA and I live in NY. Everytime I leave, I have to pack and move my entire life to GA. It's not easy and very frustrating since I just want to be settled and in a place I can call home without thinking I'm going to leave again soon, but he always manages to get me back. I know it's mostly my fault. I believe him when he tells me he won't push me into having sex with other men, and I believe him because I'm still in love with him. He has also forced me to have sex with him and says a boyfriend can't rape his girlfriend, which I know is BS. He has also made me do things with him sexually that I was not comfortable with and tells me to take it like a good little wh*re. I feel abused and don't know how to end this for good. What should I do. Please help.

 
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Old 03-14-2011, 10:24 AM   #2
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Re: Please help-should I just leave?

you're being abused.....and YES you should leave.....
do whatever it takes to get away from him
he doesn't have your best interests at heart

 
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Old 03-14-2011, 01:07 PM   #3
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Re: Should I just leave for good? Please help?

Wow. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, but really, it starts and ends with you. You cannot control his behavior, you can only control your reaction to it. He doesn't "manage to get you back." You make the deliberate, conscious, willful decision to go back. Why, I don't know. You need to start working on your self esteem. I recently had a health issue that left me with scars on my abdomen. I'm not happy with them, but I wouldn't stay with a man who forces me to have sex and who hurts me just so I can say "I have a man!" I may never find a man who says "I don't care about your scars, I think you're pretty anyway," and you know what, that's ok!! I'd rather be alone and live my life free and happy and free from abuse than be with a man who treats me like your man treats you just because he doesn't mind my scars. I care about myself way too much for that. You should too, but for some reason, you don't. That's where you need to start. Why don't you feel you deserve to be happy, at peace, and live a life free from someone who will always hurt you and who will never truly love you just as you are, and who only sees you as a hunk of meat?

I could sit here all day telling you how wrong this guy is for you, but I think you already know that. But at least you have a choice. Think of all the women in the middle east and other areas who HAVE to put up with having sex forced on them, and all kinds of other atrocities, and they have no recourse. For some reason, you are CHOOSING to be abused. Why? You need to think long and hard about that one. Do you really hate yourself that much? This guy isn't going to change. He's said so himself, this is who he is (and by the way, yes a boyfriend most certainly can ra&e his girlfriend, and a husband can his wife. Anytime the woman does not, or is incapable of giving consent, i.e. she's asleep, unconscious, legally uderage, and he forced anyway, it is a felony, pure and simple).

You might even consider counseling to get at the bottom of what seem to be very deep seated and very serious self esteem issues. You must have some pretty serious self hatred going on to stay with this man and to keep going back to him. Dealing with that is a good place to start. Once you get better handle on your self esteem and you've figured out that you are worth more than this, then you either get a job of your own there in NY, move out and leave him and never talk to him again, or you go back to GA and start there, break off all contact with him and never see or speak to him again. In any case, get yourself strong enough to know that you deserve better, leave him however you have to, and never look back. You will be shocked at how much happier you will be without him if you just let yourself be. Good luck to you.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 03-14-2011 at 01:14 PM.

 
Old 03-14-2011, 01:41 PM   #4
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Re: Should I just leave for good? Please help?

One thing is for sure: it is up to you. If he wants to push for it and you feel bad morally or for health reason, I think you should tell him to leave you alone.

If you feel it is in bad taste, it is your right to feel so. If he insists on this, he is too sexual and does not look at your character and other quality... It is only about sex to him. This is not a right relationship if he does not respect you.

It is not your fault.

BTW, I had cancer too. My husband gave me a hard time on other issue and we resolved it in a year.

As far as I know, he is abusing you at a very bad time after you had chemo and what he is asking about is even a worse thing when it comes to cancer.
SO if I were you, I would leave him before it is too late.

Take care,
NC

Last edited by ninamarc; 03-14-2011 at 02:41 PM.

 
Old 03-14-2011, 01:42 PM   #5
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Re: Should I just leave for good? Please help?

Thank you for your reply. Everything you have said are things I already know, but I need to hear them from someone else I suppose. There are many reasons why I stay, but I think the bad has far outweighed the good here, and I've realized this for a long time, and even though he seems like just a big jerk, there are many good things about him. I guess the #1 thing is that he is so good with my son, and my son adores him and looks to him as a father figure. His real dad left when he was very young, but he does remember him and he is hurt by that, so I don't want to take this man away from him too. He loves my son like his own and when I see them play, it breaks my heart knowing the day will come soon when I have had enough-for good. He is also very loving most of the time, and tells me he loves me all the time. I do believe he loves me, but he needs help. It's not excusable behaviour, I know, nor is it acceptable in any way for him to push this on me all the time. I also don't have enough money to live here alone, even with my job. I would have to move back to GA-again and live with my mother, and it's not easy, but I know it must be done. I just wanted to add that because it seems as if he's just an awful person and I'm just a doormat begging to be abused, but it's not quite like that. I just wish that part of him would go away, and I thought I could love him enough to change him, but soooo many women out there think the same, and it never works. He's so great in every other way, but it doesn't matter. I don't ever want my son to treat women the way he has treated them. He has done this with every girlfriend he has ever had and his ex wife left him probably because she couldn't deal with it either. His mother told me his ex wife left their house crying and came to stay with her because he was forcing her to get breast implants, so he has quite a history of abusing and tontrolling women.
Anyway, thanks again, my goal is that within 1 years time, he will be just a memory and I will be in a much better place.

 
Old 03-14-2011, 01:52 PM   #6
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Re: Should I just leave for good? Please help?

You know what, I think he is not really a model Dad for your son even though he plays with him well. Do you want your son to learn from him about doing this to his ex-wife or girls? How dare he tell a woman to change her body? If he does not like it, leave it be!
This is quite sick and I don't think it is good for your son. On the other hand, he can still have contact with your son if your son wants to. I would not recommend that because there are better guys who can be godfather or big brother to your son. The nice thing on the surface is tricky.

Regards,
NC

 
Old 03-14-2011, 01:54 PM   #7
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Re: Should I just leave for good? Please help?

(nina marc) I think that what consenting adults choose to do sexually is their business. I would never think badly or look down upon someone who does threesomes, foursomes, or anything else for that matter. It's up to the indivdual and what they are comfortable with. For me? it's not something I was ever really interested in doing, and now that I am not comfortable with how my body looks, I especially have no desire to partake in any of that. For me what makes sex great is having it with someone who you are attracted to in every way, not just the physical, so having sex with a stranger does not appeal to me. I also don't want any STDs since the type of cancer I had was cervical, which you get from HPV. So of course having unprotected sex when I was younger was a huge mistake. It's not a sex issue, it's the fact he pushes this on me constantly, among all other things.

 
Old 03-14-2011, 05:37 PM   #8
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Please leave this guy.
From reading your post, I feel like you might have self-esteem issues due to your body image/ being a cancer survivor, etc.
It might help to talk to a counselor.
You deserve better than this, truly you do.
This is abusive in the extreme.
Please leave.

Best of luck.

I also agree with nina: however good he is as a playmate for your son, this is not a man that you want to have around your child in the long-term.
He is not a good role model for a boy.
We think children are oblivious to things like this, but they're not.
They pick up on these things, and it influences them.
If not now, then in his teens, your son will know that his beloved stepdad disrespects his mom, that his stepdad believes spousal rape is okay and is not in fact rape, that his stepdad doesn't believe in monogamy and tries to pressure his mom into a kinky alternative lifestyle.

What do you think this is going to do to your son?
Especially if he loves his stepdad, this is going to be all kinds of confusing!
It's going to cause cognitive dissonance in his mind: stepdad's good, but does bad things. How will he reconcile that? He may decide stepdad's not good after all (and neither is mom's judgement), or he may decide that the things stepdad does and believes are not bad, in which case he'll grow up to be a bad man himself.

Just get yourself and your son OUT of this, please! Before it's too late.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 03-14-2011 at 08:12 PM.

 
Old 03-14-2011, 07:58 PM   #9
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Re: Should I just leave for good? Please help?

Abusers are not abusive 100% of the time. If they were they'd never get a woman. They are just nice enough to keep you hoping that they'll stay nice, or nice enough for you to use that little bit of niceness as justification for staying with an abusive man.

It is all on you. If you don't want to do those things, and he requires a woman who will, well then...you know what you have to do.

 
Old 03-15-2011, 05:43 AM   #10
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Re: Please help-should I just leave?

Thank you all so much, I guess I just needed to hear from others what I already knew. Maybe he was abused as a boy himself, who knows, but he needs counseling. I just can't do it anymore. Now I must rearange my entire life once again to move away, and this time cut off all ties and means of communication so he has NO WAY of reaching me!! If not for myself, then for my son. Take care everyone

 
Old 03-15-2011, 07:58 AM   #11
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Re: Please help-should I just leave?

Looks like you've made your decision, which is good. I'd suggest getting a new cell phone number, new email, leave no forwarding address (other than PO Box). Don't give him a chance to get back in your life.

This guy is a rapist in the making (if he hasn't already committed that crime against someone else, or against you). Threesome? He doesn't want a threesome-- He wants to watch another guy have sex with you. And you're against it. And he calls you a "*****." And he has sex with you against your will. It's clear as day-- this guy gets off on the idea of non-consensual sex, you're at the center of his fantasy.

No one deserves to be treated like this.

 
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Old 03-21-2011, 03:03 PM   #12
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Re: Please help-should I just leave?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sharona714 View Post
Hi, I do not know if this is the proper board to post this on, but I do not know where to go or who to turn to.
I live with my boyfriend for 2 years now. Our relationship has never been great, but sometimes its good for awhile, but then our problems pop back up with a vengance. The thing is, I love him dearly but he has sex issues. He has been asking me since we met if I would have a threesome with him. I always said I would think about it, but I'm really not comfortable though. I had cancer years ago with multiple surgeries and chemo/radiation. My body has scars and the radiation left me with chronic swelling in my leg, so I have self esteem issues about my body. He always tells me I look great, but I don't believe him. I think he only says it to get me to do what he wants. Well, it has now gotten to the point where he becomes pushy about it. He keeps telling me he NEEDS to see me have sex with someone else, and if I not going to be with another man for him, I have to bring home a girl. I'm not a "prude" as he always calls me, nor am I boring, but he's hurting me and doesn't understand that when I am ready, IF I am ever ready, I will let him now. He tells me he doesn't want to be with me if I don't do it, and he even told me recently that I'd better work on finding a guy in the next few weeks to have sex with me in front of him. I keep thinking this will go away, but it seems to be getting worse with time. I wish he would get help, but he just says "this is me, and if you don't like it, then don't be with me". The truth is, I have left him several times, but every time I leave, he begs for me to come back and tells me it won't happen anymore and he's happy just being with me, and he won't bring it up anymore, but of course, it always comes up again. I feel like he is my pimp more than he is my boyfriend. I don't know what to do. I really don't have anywhere to go either since the only family I have is now in GA and I live in NY. Everytime I leave, I have to pack and move my entire life to GA. It's not easy and very frustrating since I just want to be settled and in a place I can call home without thinking I'm going to leave again soon, but he always manages to get me back. I know it's mostly my fault. I believe him when he tells me he won't push me into having sex with other men, and I believe him because I'm still in love with him. He has also forced me to have sex with him and says a boyfriend can't rape his girlfriend, which I know is BS. He has also made me do things with him sexually that I was not comfortable with and tells me to take it like a good little wh*re. I feel abused and don't know how to end this for good. What should I do. Please help.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 03:06 PM   #13
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Re: Please help-should I just leave?

I would leave him. I did the same thing. Except it was my husband and now he won't leave me alone about it. I hate that I did it as I did it with a woman. I now have a hard time even looking at her as I thought she was my friend. Friends don't sleep with friends husbands. If you don't want to GET OUT. Don't let him control what you want. They take and take and take with no regard to your feelings. Men are not worth it! There are to many good men out there.

 
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