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Old 03-16-2011, 09:32 AM   #1
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Need unbiased opinions

If your spouse did the following would it make you feel unsecure in your marriage? :
-registered on an internet dating site and said - after being found out - that they did it just because they were bored one night
-created a profile on a popular social networking site but neglected to list their relationship status as married - didn't put "single" either, just didn't put anything
-has more than 20 opposite sex "friends" that you have never met or heard of on social networking site
-does not receive a cell phone bill at home, employer pays the bill
-does not bring a check stub home any longer because the employer has gone "paperless"
-does all web-surfing in inprivate or incognito mode - ever since being confronted about the registration on dating site
-takes cell phone everywhere - even into the backyard
-gets really defensive when their spouse (me) gets upset when they call home from work in the afternoon to say they are going out for drinks that night

These things put together make me feel insecure in my marriage. My spouse thinks I am paranoid. What do you think? Thanks - I'll appreciate your candor.

 
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Old 03-16-2011, 09:36 AM   #2
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Re: Need unbiased opinions

Without knowing more facts or knowing him, it does sound like your spouse is either cheating or in the process of looking to cheat. I agree I would be very upset with those things. Taken alone, the cell phone and paycheck issues would not seem to be flags, but the online profile on a dating site is HUGE.

Can you get him to go to marriage counseling? You can be sure that what he will perceive as nagging, complaining, b*tching, etc. from you will not work. He will only become more and more secretive and will justify his behavior in his own mind.

 
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Old 03-16-2011, 09:39 AM   #3
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Re: Need unbiased opinions

you're not paranoid....your gut instinct is trying to tell you something

why are you still with him?

if my "spouse" did all that, he wouldn't be my spouse anymore....plain and simple.....why are you tolerating it?

 
Old 03-16-2011, 09:43 AM   #4
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Re: Need unbiased opinions

just went back and searched your prior posts....you posted about the same thing in March of LAST year.....so this has been going on at LEAST a year.....why on earth are you tolerating it and still asking for opinions.....
do you really need more opinions to know the deal?

 
Old 03-16-2011, 09:48 AM   #5
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Re: Need unbiased opinions

It's been a year since you first came on these boards and asked about the dating site and the face book friends. Obviously you are still having doubts with all of this. Your gut instinct is right. A year has gone by and you feel the same way. Is this the way you want to live with this man? I imagine it makes you very insecure.

We also don't receive a pay check stub or cell phone bills because my husband's company pays for his bill and they have gone paperless as well. That part wouldn't bother me. However, I pay our bills and have access to our bank account so I know when my DH gets paid, etc. I don't get upset if my husband goes to a happy hour, but often it is planned for weeks and he rarely does it. If your DH does it a lot, then that would send a red flag to me!
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Old 03-16-2011, 11:03 AM   #6
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Re: Need unbiased opinions

From my perspective his behaviour is unacceptable. Some of those problems on their own would be a deal breaker for me, put them all together and he'd have been long gone. I wouldn't still be here a year later asking for the same advise.

People do not register on dating sites because they are bored. They register on dating sites because at the very least have a desire to see what is available. Hiding his surfing habits after he was caught is a huge red flag that he's up to no good.

You are not paranoid, he's trying to make you think you are so as to shift the attention away from him and make you look like the bad person. Don't fall for it.

 
Old 03-16-2011, 11:11 AM   #7
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Re: Need unbiased opinions

Yes, I think you have more than one reason to be concerned. And probably all of this is being coupled by lack of intimacy between the two of you. Honestly, what does it take to break the overloaded camel's back?

 
Old 03-16-2011, 01:27 PM   #8
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Re: Need unbiased opinions

Thanks for all of your honest replies. Someone asked about marriage counseling - we did start seeing a couples therapist recently - we have only been to a handful of sessions so far. Some more back story is that when the online dating thing and the social network stuff happened last year - I did question him. That is when I got the 'I was just bored' answer and the excuse that he just forgot to fill out his relationship status. I was accused of snooping at that time - which I was not doing, it was there to be seen.
I wanted to believe him. About 6 months went by and we were losing a connection with each other for various reasons. It was brought up again by me, in answer to him asking me "why are you so angry with me?" I said I am glad you asked. I explained how hurt and suspicious those things made me and that they were still alive and well within me. I told him I didn't buy his earlier explanations. I wanted better answers - as in honest ones. He told me in all sincerity that his answers were true. I followed up by asking if he has cheated or come close to it. I asked him not to lie to me as it would destroy me to live a lie. He said he is innocent on all questions. Someone asked why I am still here with him. I chose to believe him. My problem is that this gut feeling or paranoia still resides inside of me. I wish I could let it go. I wish I knew how. And then there is that other part of me saying to myself "don't be a fool". How does a person reconcile this? He says he tells me the truth, but yet I still can't feel 100% secure with that answer. Is this all me and I problem I have? I'm generally not prone to bouts of insecurity and I've never been a jealous person. I read all of your replies and I think I should run for the hills, and then there is that part of me that still thinks why would he hurt me in that way?

 
Old 03-16-2011, 01:33 PM   #9
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Re: Need unbiased opinions

stop doubting yourself....you know what to do....
like you even said to yourself.....don't be a fool
your gut instinct is there for a reason.....don't ignore it

 
Old 03-16-2011, 01:40 PM   #10
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Re: Need unbiased opinions

rosequartz - I have no proof. I can not leave based on a gut feeling. I suppose I don't trust my gut that well, and I'd hate to do something so harsh and actually be wrong. I have a child, also.

 
Old 03-16-2011, 02:00 PM   #11
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Re: Need unbiased opinions

you might never have "proof"
you're unhappy with his behavior......that's good enough
you don't need proof
committed men do NOT go on dating sites because they're bored
committed men do not hide their behavior/phone/internet habits
he doesn't respect you, isn't that enough?
would you want your child to settle from this type of behavior from a partner?
think about what your child is learning
the fact that you have a child is all the MORE reason to leave this relationship

 
Old 03-16-2011, 05:02 PM   #12
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Re: Need unbiased opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by baker22 View Post
rosequartz - I have no proof. I can not leave based on a gut feeling. I suppose I don't trust my gut that well, and I'd hate to do something so harsh and actually be wrong. I have a child, also.
Ok, let's admit the relationship can be repaired, but you need to know why he was feeling bored. What did he mean by that? And what if it happens again? What is he going to do?

 
Old 03-16-2011, 07:20 PM   #13
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Re: Need unbiased opinions

There's nothing to be paranoid or suspicious about. It's as clear as day and you shouldn't even question it: your husband has one foot out the door and you are being taken for a fool.

You say you 'feel insecure in your marriage' and you should. If he isn't already cheating, he will the first chance he can. Being bored is no reason for a married man to sign up on a dating site. Being bored is not some kind of free pass to do totally unacceptable things.

 
Old 03-17-2011, 01:01 AM   #14
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Re: Need unbiased opinions

I know the struggle you feel within- not knowing if you're intuitive or paranoid. This problem comes up all the time for me! I am usually correct when I was being intuitive/listening to my gut, but I have been wrong at times as well.

From an objective perspective, I think he is cheating. If not currently, I think he was or he will be. Especially when you added the part about going out for drinks after work. That's just something married men with kids don't do unless it's once in a blue moon or their relationship is seriously flawed. The fact that he can't get off dating sites after being caught and doesn't say he's married on face**** points to cheating.

Last edited by digmusic; 03-17-2011 at 01:03 AM.

 
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