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Old 03-17-2011, 06:15 AM   #1
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When he doesn't have time for you... a little long, but would appreciate the help

Is there anything a woman could do? Or is the relationship just at the end of it's course?

I posted before how I suck at relationships. I just can't do vulnerable so it's easier for me to run (it seems that way, but I think I've been right in doing so. My gut tells me when something is not right. Maybe I act hastily, but I don't believe in dragging things along).

The relationship itself is kind of long distance. He works 2 weeks in my state, then 1 week back at 'home', which is my original hometown so we also meet up back at 'home' during long holidays or whenever we needed a get away from this current state. But when he comes to work here, his company pays for hotel and car rentals.

Also, note that we've been together for 4 months.

We met, and hit it off instantly. We're both goofs, love 80s music, socializing, we're both young professionals (him more than me, he's about 5 years older). We just had a blast. Everyone could tell we were happy together. We had the 'new relationship look' flowing all around and it was just so nice and natural that people always commented and gave us the 'awwwsss' and 'congrats on being so happy', etc. We spent a lot of time together in the beginning. Now I barely see him when he's in town.

Maybe it's just me. But 4 months is a rather short time for the 'new relationship' feeling to be over. I understand that he's busy- he really is. But I've tried to be more involved in his activities (because I know they are very important to him- aside from his day job, he dances and performs and he loves it). So I know he wanted me to be more active in the dance scene. I was reluctant at first and had no problem supporting him from the outside, but he wanted to dance with me so I had to learn. I put my stubbornness and shyness aside and took lessons and all of that. Made friends with people in that scene, whom I knew from before but, long story short, I never felt comfortable with them so I never spent too much time with them.

Now it seems like he wants to spend all his time with them (dance people). And I really hate to sound dramatic but I'm sure that's how I'm coming off. The dance studio is close to my home, and he'll be there but will be too tired to even swing by and say hi. He tries to fit me in his schedule during intervals, it feels. I don't get a dedicated time. I feel like I get the scraps and like I am the least important thing on his schedule. And I'm seriously not the only thing getting neglected because of his dancing. He's been talking about getting his taxes done for weeks but hasn't cause of dancing. He needs to go to the doctors but hasn't cause of dancing. He's a programmer so he's working on a personal project but never gets to it because of dancing. Lots of other stuff.

When it's just me and him, we mostly have a good time. But other times I feel like I'm getting mixed signals. The relationship is not horrible. But emotionally, it is really getting to me. Friend said 'just have fun with it'. But I like him too much that I can't 'just have fun with it'. I can't be just casual with him when I'm pretty crazy about him. I don't want to push him into anything because I know we haven't been together that long and I guess we are still getting to know each other. But my emotions can't tell the difference. It's like he gave me so much in the beginning and took it all away. We still chat (hardly) and still hang out (again, hardly). And we are pretty exclusive to each other. Unless I'm completely in denial, but it just seems like conflicting schedules- nothing more, nothing less. But the emotional roller coaster is getting the best of me. And I chose myself (and my sanity) over him. I mean, I think its over anyways, or what do you think? My emotions are blinding me.

If this helps- if it weren't for the emotional part, the relationship is pretty normal and I wouldn't mind staying in it because I think it's a pretty standard relationship (if that makes sense). But I guess my emotions jumped the gun on this one. And instead of being happy and content, I just feel sad and alone... a lot. And it kills me that I can't be rational right now!! I plan on talking to him about all of this. But the emotional part of me just wrote up a break up speech. And the rational me read the speech and I feel like telling myself to get a grip!! Maybe it's the new birth control?! AHH!!!!

 
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Old 03-17-2011, 06:39 AM   #2
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Re: When he doesn't have time for you... a little long, but would appreciate the help

well before you send off the break up speech letter, why don't you call him and tell him you'd like to talk! Just tell him straight up, you want to know where you stand because you're feeling like you're last priority on his list.
Hear him out.....before you do anything you might regret.

 
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Old 03-17-2011, 07:08 AM   #3
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Re: When he doesn't have time for you... a little long, but would appreciate the help

Thanks rosequartz. I have the letter in my pocket and will read it in the next couple of hours to see how I feel. I truly feel like I am over reacting. But what to do with these emotions? I woke up crying this morning (which I don't do) because I feel so confused about everything and have been feeling this way for a couple weeks now. I know I need to talk to him. But when we're together, everything seems so normal that I don't want to bring it up. I've mentioned to him that maybe we have too much going on right now and hinted at a possible separation. He asked if I wanted him to step back from dancing which of course I don't want. I told him I just wanted a bit more. Then he said, but I saw you 3 days ago. Which he was right about. But that's not what I meant when I said I needed a bit more and I had a hard time articulating what I wanted. How do I not come off as a brat when I'm telling him I want more interaction after seeing him a few days prior?!

I've been trying to distant myself which is working- he's reaching out more. But it drives me crazy- hence the morning crying and breakup letter. I feel like we're playing a game. A game we should have been done with already!! But what if I distant myself too much and another girl steps in? I've seen that happen all the time. I'm sure I've been that other girl that has stepped in, unknowingly. Which is why I do ask him occasionally 'are we ok?' and he always says yes. And he can never keep his hands off me when we're together. If only he were clearer with his emotions. Honestly, if he would tell me- I just want something casual and don't want to settle down, I would gladly take that cause at least I know where I stand. But it's an emotional push/pull! He gives, then retracts. Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe he has some undiagnosed ADD. It would explain his passion for wanting to do everything, yet not being able to get much finished... I think he may be more interested in the illusion of girlfriend, than an actual gf.

Like my mom says- Hablando se entiende la gente- loosely translates to 'through talking is how we understand people (humans- aka, difference between humans and animal, we communicate through speaking)'.

 
Old 03-17-2011, 07:14 AM   #4
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Re: When he doesn't have time for you... a little long, but would appreciate the help

maybe you can tell him in the days between seeing him, you'd like it if he stayed in contact with a phone call or a text.....or text him and just tell him you're thinking about him and hope he's having a good day......that way you stay fresh on his mind

 
Old 03-17-2011, 07:30 AM   #5
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Re: When he doesn't have time for you... a little long, but would appreciate the help

We also say it in Brazil: "Falando a gente se entende," which unfortunately is not always accurate. Sometimes too much talking just gets in the way.

Why do you think you woke up crying this morning? Did you have a dream? Or are you already anticipating a loss (losing him)?

Just see the effect that your words had on me (on the rest of us?): reading your post gives me the impression that he is not really into you and what you are in need of can't be found within him.

I know, I know, I was too wordy, but I think you get my drift.

 
Old 03-17-2011, 07:54 AM   #6
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Re: When he doesn't have time for you... a little long, but would appreciate the help

You say you hardly chat and hardly hang out, I'm not suprised that you're feeling alone and sad.

You say you're pretty exclusive with each other, what does that mean? You're either exclusive or not.

Four months isn't a long time,although for some people 6 months is the time when the "honeymoon period" starts to wear off. I would have thought he'd be more eager to see you as you don't see each other very often.

If your needs aren't being met then you need to talk to him and decide where you go from there. Don't let him fob you off with "I saw you 3 days ago" especially if it was a good while since you'd seen each other the time before.

 
Old 03-17-2011, 08:12 AM   #7
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Re: When he doesn't have time for you... a little long, but would appreciate the help

To pendulum- I woke up because I couldn't sleep. I've had a lot on mind and haven't been sleeping right. So I texted him to see if he was awake. Which he was- he was still out celebrating for a friend's bday (his dance friend- which he invited me to, but I told him I had plans). So then he asked me if I wanted to cuddle. That just made me really angry because it was just a stupid question. And then I started thinking about how sucky all of this is and figured I'd just cry now and get it over with. I've been preparing myself for breaking up with him for a few days now. But I'm not sure if my emotions are clouding my judgment. When we're together, everything is ok. Whether he's into me or not is actually not my #1 concern. Because the way I'm seeing it now, is that he's not into me. And to me, what I feel is what counts. Even if he told me he LOVES ME (being sarcastic ), it really wouldn't mean much because of his actions.

Part of me feels that the potential is there if I stick it out. But I don't think I can without driving myself crazy. And I don't think I want to. I like to analyze people's behavior for future references. So to me, this is pretty much what will happen anytime he's busy. Which I'm not liking. I would rather end it now than later. But I also don't want to act too quickly and then regret it. So I'm going to try and have a real talk with him today- without holding back. I say try because I'm bad at vocalizing and suck at communication. I really want a decision by the end of the day. If he can't do it, or doesn't want to, that's ok with me. But I guess I should give him the chance to express himself before I just break it off.

 
Old 03-17-2011, 08:43 AM   #8
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Re: When he doesn't have time for you... a little long, but would appreciate the help

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ely4 View Post
You say you hardly chat and hardly hang out, I'm not suprised that you're feeling alone and sad.

You say you're pretty exclusive with each other, what does that mean? You're either exclusive or not.

Four months isn't a long time,although for some people 6 months is the time when the "honeymoon period" starts to wear off. I would have thought he'd be more eager to see you as you don't see each other very often.

If your needs aren't being met then you need to talk to him and decide where you go from there. Don't let him fob you off with "I saw you 3 days ago" especially if it was a good while since you'd seen each other the time before.
Yea, we hardly chat or hang because he's always practicing. But I don't think I should feel sad or lonely. I should be out there doing my own things because my emotions shouldn't depend on him. But I can't help but to feel sad. I have a lot of downtime... I need a hobby. But that's a different topic I guess.

I'm completely with you on the whole eagerness part. That is why I have all these reservation. I spoke to one of his dancing friends who told me he's been burned in the past but it's obvious he likes me. 'We've all been burned in the past, get over it' is what I want to tell him! You can't just give and then retract! It just doesn't work like that. But he seems, or acts, oblivious to this...

When I said we're exclusive to each other, what I meant is that we both know we are only seeing each other. And everyone knows we are seeing each other. I'm not concerned about cheating- just in case anyone was thinking about that. We never openly told people we were a couple. But everyone knows. And we know.

For the record, I don't think the timing is right for us. Which is very unfortunate because I think we could be good. We're extremely compatible and there is a lot of attraction between us. And I think he IS oblivious to all of this. He thinks we're ok. But I'm not. But I don't want to attack him and put blame on anyone. I do kinda feel like I'm over-reacting because it seems like I have an issue with his hobby. But it's not the hobby that's the issue. If he can't handle both things, that's fine with me. I just don't understand how this is so obvious to me and not to him. I can't see how he thinks we're good. That's the part that gets me emotional I guess. I feel like it's the big pink elephant in the room. But CLEARLY I'm not the only one who sees it!! Huge disconnect!

 
Old 03-17-2011, 08:59 AM   #9
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Re: When he doesn't have time for you... a little long, but would appreciate the help

Thanks everyone so far for the input. I really have to have a talk with Guy today. It sucks that it's St P's and I don't want to bring down the spirit... But I can't hold it in! I'm trying to find the words to say... I don't want to start with 'we need to talk' cause everyone knows what that means and I really need to express myself without getting cut off... this is tricky...

 
Old 03-17-2011, 09:13 AM   #10
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Re: When he doesn't have time for you... a little long, but would appreciate the help

He works across the street from a mall and it's easier for me to get to the mall, than him fighting traffic up to see me. So I told him we can meet at the mall. He thinks I want to buy an iPad...

I hope I leave the mall feeling lighter and not in debt and with a new toy...


 
Old 03-17-2011, 09:14 AM   #11
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Re: When he doesn't have time for you... a little long, but would appreciate the help

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't suggesting you should be trying to make him your whole life, but when you're in a relationship you can't be faulted for wanting to spend time with them, and it's understandable that you feel sad and lonely when you hardly ever see him. If you saw him 5 days out of 7 and were pining over him for those other 2 days then I'd think you'd have a problem, but this clearly isn't the case here.

The reason he thinks things are good is because this is how he wants it. He's getting what he wants/needs from the relationship as it is. Unfortunately you are not, and there's nothing wrong with you wanting more than what you are getting.

 
Old 03-17-2011, 01:15 PM   #12
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Re: When he doesn't have time for you... a little long, but would appreciate the help

I think distance kills the relationship for sure. You may want to talk to a marriage counselor with him to fix this thing.
If there is any way you can be closer, please try to do that. Being apart from each other itself allows you guys a chance to ruin the relationship. I am not saying it should be 24/7 as we sometimes need space. But maybe this distance is the problem unless you also have other issues.

Take care,
Nina

 
Old 03-21-2011, 10:08 AM   #13
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update

Ahh! I wrote this long paragraph and my computer went crazy!

So to sum it up- I chickened out. I didn't breakup with him. We met up on Thursday and everything felt right. Even though I still wanted to break up with him while we were hanging out, by the end of the night, I didn't think that was the solution. He was being very attentive and affectionate and it felt natural. I also started to think about what I was physically doing to help the situation- nothing really. I wasn't engaging many of the interactions, but was expecting him to do so and getting mad at him over it. But I still can't help having felt hurt by him and it has made me a little guarded. I thought we were both on 'the same page', but seeing as how that isn't the picture, I'm just going to pace myself. It's just been a really weird year for me and I think I am rushing into something that I don't even think I really want.

Remember how I said I wasn't a good communicator? . Well, I did say some stuff and felt relieved to have gotten it out there. But I now realized I didn't get it ALL out there (as far as how I feel). I'm sure I'll get it out there at some point.

If it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't . That's just life.

And nina, we are not married. Just freshly dating. He is more in my town than not. And I've been in LDR before that have worked out better than other in state relationships. I think I just need to not over think these things because I think that's what's stressing out the relationship. And not put so much on him to make arrangements.

Thanks everyone for your inputs!!

 
Old 03-21-2011, 10:56 AM   #14
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Re: update

I am glad it works out. Hang in there.

Hugs,
Nina

 
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