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Old 03-20-2011, 12:13 PM   #1
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I feel like I'm the only one making an effort

Hi everybody, I'm new here and I'm hoping you all might be able to help me out. I'm in my early 20s and a college student. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months but we've been officially in a relationship for only a little over one month, so it's fairly new. We weren't friends before we started dating, so I've only really known him as long as we've been romantically involved.

When we first met he was the one pursuing me and I wasn't sure if I even was interested in him, but now that we're together I feel like the tables have completely turned. Ever since we became 'official' I feel like he's been losing interest in me. Despite living 5 minutes away from each other, I've seen him about once a week for the past 4 weeks, and the only reason we see each other at all is because I ask him to hang out with me. Lately, I am always the one to initiate texts. Before we became official he would text me and ask me to do things with him on a pretty regular basis. Now, I am lucky if I see him at all throughout the week or hear from him at all over the course of a day. Now I'm a pretty independent person and have never felt the need to always be surrounded by people, so by no means do I expect us to be hanging out every free moment. I don't even have to see him every day. However, I do think that in a relationship you need to make an effort sometimes to be with the other person, especially because we're both pretty busy with school and work and whatnot. He hasn't been doing this, I've been feeling like I'm single and it really bothers me. I don't want to be the one always initiating conversations and hang outs. When we do hang out, we have a good time and he seems like he does want to be with me. We haven't had sex but we do fool around and basically have done everything but actually had sex. He doesn't pressure me though or even brings it up. I've already told him I'm not ready and want to wait, and he said it was fine. He is a good guy, always offering to pay when we do go places. I really like him, and he's told me he likes me, but what we have right now doesn't seem like a relationship. He comes over to my place once a week or I go to his, usually at night, and we'll watch a movie, cuddle, and then fall asleep. Then I won't see him again for about a week until I can't stand it anymore, and I text him again to see if he wants to hang out, and the cycle starts all over again. I wasn't sure if it's because he's lost interest, doesn't like me as much as I like him, or because he's just not ready for a relationship.

A couple weeks ago I brought this up with him and he says he's been busy with school, which I completely understand. But I told him that if we're going to be in a relationship, we both need to make time for each other and that this shouldn't be a one way effort. He said he didn't want to break up but just needed time to adjust to being in a relationship. I agreed but suggested that we study for finals together that week, so we could see each other and get some work done at the same time. Two days later, I texted him asking him when I was going to see him, and he responded that we could hang out after finals--which wouldn't be till a week and a half later. That was the point when I really considered breaking up with him. I have seen him once since and he acted like nothing was wrong. Again, I told him I feel as if this isn't a relationship, and he said we could work on it. I didn't bring up the possibility of just breaking up, but now I am considering it again. Even though he says we'll hang out more, I don't think things are going to change. I know you can't change people, and as much as I would love for this to work out, I am losing hope. I am beginning to feel clingy and crazy and that's not me. As much as I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, something tells me I am just going to get hurt the longer I stay with him.

Do you guys think I am reading too much into this, or should I give him more time to 'adjust'? This has been bothering me for awhile and every time I try to talk to him about it, I feel better at first but then proceed to get frustrated when it becomes clear he's still not making an effort. What do you all think? I could really use your input. Thanks.

 
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Old 03-20-2011, 12:22 PM   #2
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Re: I feel like I'm the only one making an effort

If you didn't contact him, what do you think would happen?

 
Old 03-20-2011, 12:28 PM   #3
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Re: I feel like I'm the only one making an effort

I actually asked him that.. I asked if I didn't text him first, would we just never hang out? And he said that he would have asked me to hang out "eventually." I'm not really sure what that means, though. I think that he would, but if I left it totally up to him we'd see each other even less than we do now.

 
Old 03-20-2011, 12:33 PM   #4
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Re: I feel like I'm the only one making an effort

I don't think you're reading too much into it, nor do I think you need to give him time to "adjust". People generally do not back away when they make a commitment to someone.

Actions speak louder than words, and you're the only one pursuing this relationship. Stop contacting him and see what he does. Be prepared to not hear from him again though, but if you don't then you have your answer anyway. Do you really want to be with someone who only bothers with you when you make him?

 
Old 03-20-2011, 01:09 PM   #5
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Re: I feel like I'm the only one making an effort

So, you need to leave it totally up to him. If weeks go by and you don't hear from him, there's your answer. He's "just not that into you".

You know, a guy who is really into you doesn't have to be contacted or convinced or reminded to hang out. He'd be contacting you. I've had a guy who was really into me drive over 2 hours each way just to take me out to lunch. OTOH, I've had a guy who WASN'T that into me never come to see me...not once. I always had to go see him. I finally got the message and gave up on that one!

 
Old 03-20-2011, 01:11 PM   #6
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Re: I feel like I'm the only one making an effort

This sounds pretty typical, and something we women all go through, especially when we're younger, and dating younger men. It really sounds like he's just not that into you. And I really do think if you just stopped contacting him, he'd just go on with his life and not even miss you that much. I mean, let's face it, if he wanted to talk to you, he would. I think it's a good thing you didn't have sex with this guy, as it sounds like it would have been a waste of your heart and emotions. Move on and find a guy who actually wants to see you, who actually wants to pick up a phone and talk to you, even for just a minute or two, no matter how busy he is. Because that's what a man does when he's into you, just like this guy did in the beginning. The thrill is gone for him, and only hangs out with you when there's nothing better going on for him. And you deserve better than that.

 
Old 03-20-2011, 01:33 PM   #7
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Re: I feel like I'm the only one making an effort

hard to hear i know but i just dont think hes interested else he would naturally just be there. you deserve much better than him.

 
Old 03-20-2011, 02:04 PM   #8
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Re: I feel like I'm the only one making an effort

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I have also suspected for awhile that he just doesn't like me enough, and even though it hurts, I know I'll be better off accepting that and just moving on. I do think that if I just stopped texting him he would eventually text me (but probably only to check in, not to ask to see me), and (I forgot to mention this) we work together so I would run into him sooner or later. So I think the next time I see him I am going to have to have a talk and break things off with him.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 07:30 AM   #9
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Re: I feel like I'm the only one making an effort

''break things off with him'' sounds the best idea in my opinion. hard as it is. if you stayed with him this is what your relationship would be like , no stability, lots of uncertainty.

 
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