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Old 03-22-2011, 04:32 PM   #1
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Unhappy Need Advice Please

Hi All,

My name is KellyAnn and I married to my husband for 12 years. We get along great with each other and are friends as well as lovers.

My problem began 6 years ago when I got stage 3 bladder cancer. I came through it all fine but the after effects are forever. So my sex drive has gone to hell. My husband on the other hand has a very very high sex drive. So I gave him permission to go outside of the marriage
Well he has done just that. He has not slept with anyone yet but he has found a woman that he is getting ready to have sex with. From what I understand she is in the same spot as him loves her spouse to death, but he has medical issues and can't preform.

I guess I should be happy that he found someone in the same spot as him...But I am not the closer it gets to it happening the more stress I am under and the panic attacks start coming I want to tell him NO DO NOT DO IT but I am afraid it is too late...I love him and want him to be happy and this is the only way I can do it.He tells me that all he wants is a friend with benefits but the thought of him being with someone else I just don't know I am having a panic attack just typing all this...


I decided to give my husband permission to cheat because I don't want to lose him by not giving him sex or very little sex and having him leave me to go find someone to have sex with, is that a smart move or am I taking an even bigger risk by allowing another woman to provide the one thing my husband needs and values most. If another woman is providing his greatest joy and pleasure won't the other woman become more valuable to him than me?


Is this normal for me to feel this way?? Am I being selfish?

Any advice would be great

Kellyann

 
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Old 03-22-2011, 04:57 PM   #2
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Re: Need Advice Please

I think you need to tell him how you feel. If you don't tell him, you are in a lose-lose situation and you are miserable.

If you do tell him, it could go either way. He can respect it and choose not to hurt you. Or go ahead knowing he is hurting you and going against your wishes.

Your agreeing to him having sex outside the marriage isn't carved in stone, is it?

I'm curious why you didn't consider having him go to a pro? At least you wouldn't have to worry about his emotional involvement.

BTW, your comment that sex was "the one thing my husband needs and values most" struck me a very disturbing. Is it not love, you and your life together? If that truly is the most important thing to him, you have already lost him


 
Old 03-22-2011, 05:11 PM   #3
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Re: Need Advice Please

What do you exactly mean by "my sex drive has gone to hell"? Has sex become painful, distasteful, or what to you?

Edit: Who first had the idea of him having sex outside the marriage?

Last edited by pendulum; 03-22-2011 at 05:17 PM.

 
Old 03-22-2011, 05:30 PM   #4
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Re: Need Advice Please

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Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
What do you exactly mean by "my sex drive has gone to hell"? Has sex become painful, distasteful, or what to you?

Edit: Who first had the idea of him having sex outside the marriage?
Sex is painful and just don't want it anymore. dr will not put me on hormones becase of the cancer...it was my idea because he has such a high sex drive and i felt he was being cheated...

 
Old 03-23-2011, 02:58 AM   #5
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Re: Need Advice Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kellyann65 View Post
Sex is painful and just don't want it anymore. dr will not put me on hormones becase of the cancer...it was my idea because he has such a high sex drive and i felt he was being cheated...
Of course if sex (especially penetration) is painful, you don't want it any more. Maybe you don't want it any more for other reasons: age, hormonal imbalance, etc...

But you know, marriage is based upon sex or affection. If either sex or affection is absent, then it is only a facade.

If I were you, I would not give up. You must find that inner force/drive in yourself again. Not only for your husband, or to keep your marriage, but for yourself, for your overall health and pleasure.

I would consult with a sex therapist/counselor. Don't be ashamed. There must be a way for you.

I would also suggest your husband should postpone his meeting with the other woman until you two have consulted with the therapist.

Yes, the consequences of such an encounter are really unpredictable.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 
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Old 03-23-2011, 05:30 AM   #6
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Re: Need Advice Please

I am so glad you beat your cancer!

You say your marriage is great but obviously the sex is not. Did your husband tell you his concerns with sex and you gave him permission to go outside the marriage? Was he sulking or voicing his frustrations? Did you really come up with this idea or was it something he had mentioned?

I my honest opinion, I don't see how this arrangement would work and think you have every right to be concerned. I would also be concerned about pregnancy and STD's.
Perhaps you can work with a counselor who can help you with your sensuality (not sexuality). A big part of sex is mental. THere are other things you can do besides sex.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 03-23-2011, 05:30 AM   #7
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Re: Need Advice Please

I agree with Thisby. You should tell him how you feel. Tell him that you thought that you could handle it but it turns out that you can't. Then it is up to him to make the decision to either do it even though he knows how badly it would hurt you or not do it to save your feelings.

I don't have any personal experience, but it seems to me that having an open marriage would be a very slippery slope. It may sound good and in theory solve your problems but in reality all that it can do is push you two apart and push him toward someone else.

 
Old 03-23-2011, 07:18 AM   #8
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Re: Need Advice Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kellyann65 View Post
Sex is painful and just don't want it anymore. dr will not put me on hormones becase of the cancer...it was my idea because he has such a high sex drive and i felt he was being cheated...
I believe the vows he took said something about "forsaking all others", and "in sickness and in health"......correct me if I'm wrong....

If your husband needs to look elsewhere, I'd divorce him.....he doesn't seem to be very supportive.

and for doing your part, there are other things besides intercourse that you could do for him that wouldn't hurt......

definately do not give him permission to cheat.....that's just wrong and will hurt your marriage more in the long run

 
Old 03-23-2011, 07:38 AM   #9
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Re: Need Advice Please

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I believe the vows he took said something about "forsaking all others", and "in sickness and in health"......correct me if I'm wrong....
Exactly. I may be naive or too idealistic, but I always thought marriage was more than just having a familiar warm body there to have sex with whenever you want. I always thought marriage was a partnership between two people who have commited to being life partners and helping and supporting each other through all of life's ups and downs. And if your partner can't have sex, then that means you can't have sex. That's where the "in sickness and in healthy, for better for worse, forsaking all others, cleave only unto" stuff comes in. When Christopher Reeve fell off his horse and broke his neck, his wife Dana did not go out and start having sex with other men. They waited, and sources say that eventually they did find ways to be intimate with each other. Not like before of course, but in a way. That's what I always thought marriage was about.

I think if it's going to bother you this much, you should tell him now that it's become a reality, you can't handle it and it will become a problem for you. Then he has the choice of either going ahead with it despite how it will hurt you, or to love you and be devoted to you enough to work things out with you to the best of your ability.

 
Old 03-23-2011, 09:57 AM   #10
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Re: Need Advice Please

I don't mean to throw a wet blanket on here and I am quite aware of the vows people are talking about here, but I know that a spouse's inability or refusal to perform sexual intercourse with their partner can be a ground for divorce.

That's why I like the idea of you finding a way of becoming intimate with each other again rather than giving it up.

 
Old 03-23-2011, 11:41 AM   #11
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Re: Need Advice Please

Refusal, yes. Inability because of a serious illness beyond one's control, well, if your husband would leave you or run out and sleep with another woman before even trying to find other ways of being intimate or giving you reasonable time to heal, then I don't know how committed to you or how in love with you he was to start with, Kellyann. Right now, your main priority is getting healthy and well. You shouldn't be stressing over anything right now, you should be surrounding yourself with love and support and positive energy, resting, eating well and healthy, etc. This worrying over your husband sleeping with someone else can only set your recovery back. If it bothers you, tell him.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 03-23-2011 at 11:42 AM.

 
Old 03-23-2011, 11:51 AM   #12
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Re: Need Advice Please

This is my opinion......whatever the problems you two may have in the bedroom i dont think HE should go sleep with other women a loving supportive husband would not go through with it and would be horrified at the suggestion as he only wants to touch his wife. They is such things as porn or toys he could use. sleeping with another woman is just so wrong. even you know it deep inside as in the end you dont feel right about it. if i had a husband and he couldnt perform no way i would touch another man because i love him and theres always ways around things. love is more important than sex. i think now you suggested it i think he would go and do it anyway as he can just say ''you suggested it so i did it so you can't blame me''. maybe your marriage will fall apart. i agree with rosequartz i think i would divorce too.

 
Old 03-23-2011, 01:26 PM   #13
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Re: Need Advice Please

It is normal to feel regret. At first you may feel guilty about not being able to offer sex so you tell him to find someone else. But have you thought about possible love affair instead of just getting a call girl? It makes a difference.
However, love is crowdy among 3. If it is about love with the third person, you get jealous. It is normal.
Do you have kids? They may be able to support you - naturally they would be against their Dad doing this to their Mom.

It comes down to how you relate to your husband in this marriage. Does he only care about sex? Is he selfish? Does he know you are sacrificing? Has he tried to help you to feel good about sex using all kind of methods like lubricant and etc.? The crucial part here is if he really cares about you.
My point is if he really cares about you and he goes to the other woman as a real deal with you, then even if it seems neurotic, you can tell him how you feel now and he may come back to you. This sounds crazy but possible.

If he does not really love you and focus on sex too much, the love is not solid. You may need to divorce him or treat this as a real love affair and deal with it. Either divorce or forgive him.... It is your call.
Frankly if he does not worry about you having cancer, there is something wrong.
Well you can keep the marriage for being stable, or you can leave him for the peace of your mind.

Sorry to know that cancer does this to your marriage.

Take care,
Nina

 
Old 03-23-2011, 01:39 PM   #14
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Re: Need Advice Please

I also want to tell you I was almost on the same spot like you. I had cancer 10 years ago after I was married for 6 years. As the result, we have no kids. Sex is great now although we had problems with my dry area and etc. We tried lubricants and it works. My husband is not the type that loves sex too much as he is kind of a quiet person. So we got time and patience to deal with it. Now we are on good terms. But we do have real affection and love for each other. If we didn't, we would not be together by now.

Yes the sickness and the issue for having a kid can kill a marriage. But what is important is love. Remember the wedding vow says until death do we part? For better or for worse???

Regards,
Nina

 
Old 03-23-2011, 06:17 PM   #15
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Re: Need Advice Please

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Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
Of course if sex (especially penetration) is painful, you don't want it any more. Maybe you don't want it any more for other reasons: age, hormonal imbalance, etc...

But you know, marriage is based upon sex or affection. If either sex or affection is absent, then it is only a facade.

If I were you, I would not give up. You must find that inner force/drive in yourself again. Not only for your husband, or to keep your marriage, but for yourself, for your overall health and pleasure.

I would consult with a sex therapist/counselor. Don't be ashamed. There must be a way for you.
I think this line of reasoning is damaging to you and to women in general because it implies that you NEED to get your sex drive back or else... or else what? Obviously the you feel your husband has the right to seek sex elsewhere if you can't perform. A lot of women do things they're not comfortable with because we are taught that men will surely get sex however they can if we don't give it to them. I highly disagree with the statement that marriage without sex (because you said sex OR affection) is a "facade." You just got over cancer! I doubt sex is high on your list of priorities right now, and you shouldn't be made to feel like you should be in a rush to get your sex drive back. Your marriage is not less valid now because there's no sex.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 03-23-2011 at 09:06 PM. Reason: Please direct your answers to the original poster. Thanks.

 
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