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Old 03-23-2011, 01:30 AM   #1
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How do I come back from this?

So I have posted before about a problematic relationship I have been having with a guy who I have known for about 3 years. We were friends, then kinda sorta dated though he didn't want to and doesn't, and we've been friends. We've also been having a friends with benefits type relationship for some time. Our relationship is pretty dysfunctional and he doesn't really want me as more than a friend that he occasionally has sexual interactions with. I really do care about him and love him and, while I the desire is far less than it used to be, want more than this from him. I know it's never going to happen and probably shouldn't, given the various problems we've had.
We are simply not compatible with one another and he really doesn't care about me all that much, despite my attempts to change this by driving myself mad to please him.
I recently have been trying to figure this whole thing out and with some much needed guidance from some members of this board, have decided to put distance between this guy in favor of someone who actually cares for me in return. I gathered up my self-respect, located some confidence within myself and promised myself that I would no longer be his friend with benefits.
Well, he came to visit me and incidentally, he made the usual proposal and I caved in. Oddly, I didn't entirely want to do it and it wasn't at all as enjoyable as it once was. I didn't really feel much, emotionally. I felt almost entirely shut down.
Pretty much immediately afterwards he began talking of various women he wanted to pursue for a relationship, as he usually does. As if to cement in my head that it meant nothing.
I feel physically sick. I am so disgusted with myself and the worst part is that I had hoped it would make me feel good/ wanted/ attractive but I feel none of those things. I feel empty and I hate myself for going against my better judgment.
I don't know how to come back from this emotionally. I feel like I will never be capable of a healthy relationship with a man because I can't trust myself to stick to what I believe. This relationship is toxic. It's tearing me apart and now what I've done is eating me away inside.

I feel so used up. I don't know how to emerge from this and feel strong and resolute that it won't happen again. How do I come back from this?

 
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Old 03-23-2011, 02:43 AM   #2
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Re: How do I come back from this?

It sounds to me like the illusion you have been living under has cracked, and you have finally realised just how empty and soul-destroying this relationship has been. Maybe going back that last time was necessary to bring this home to you and stop the "what ifs" for once and for all. You will never feel the same about this man again and that is a good thing. If you get tempted again you will have this present feeling to remind you how it has damaged you. Do not beat yourself up over the incident; as I said it was probably needed. Sera

 
Old 03-23-2011, 03:14 AM   #3
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Re: How do I come back from this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by stand16 View Post
So I have posted before about a problematic relationship I have been having with a guy who I have known for about 3 years. We were friends, then kinda sorta dated though he didn't want to and doesn't, and we've been friends. We've also been having a friends with benefits type relationship for some time. Our relationship is pretty dysfunctional and he doesn't really want me as more than a friend that he occasionally has sexual interactions with. I really do care about him and love him and, while I the desire is far less than it used to be, want more than this from him. I know it's never going to happen and probably shouldn't, given the various problems we've had.
We are simply not compatible with one another and he really doesn't care about me all that much, despite my attempts to change this by driving myself mad to please him.
I recently have been trying to figure this whole thing out and with some much needed guidance from some members of this board, have decided to put distance between this guy in favor of someone who actually cares for me in return. I gathered up my self-respect, located some confidence within myself and promised myself that I would no longer be his friend with benefits.
Well, he came to visit me and incidentally, he made the usual proposal and I caved in. Oddly, I didn't entirely want to do it and it wasn't at all as enjoyable as it once was. I didn't really feel much, emotionally. I felt almost entirely shut down.
Pretty much immediately afterwards he began talking of various women he wanted to pursue for a relationship, as he usually does. As if to cement in my head that it meant nothing.
I feel physically sick. I am so disgusted with myself and the worst part is that I had hoped it would make me feel good/ wanted/ attractive but I feel none of those things. I feel empty and I hate myself for going against my better judgment.
I don't know how to come back from this emotionally. I feel like I will never be capable of a healthy relationship with a man because I can't trust myself to stick to what I believe. This relationship is toxic. It's tearing me apart and now what I've done is eating me away inside.

I feel so used up. I don't know how to emerge from this and feel strong and resolute that it won't happen again. How do I come back from this?
You seem like a really caring person who needs her confidence lifting. You are too good for him that is obvious but he obviously thinks he can use you any time he wants. I know its hard but he will come back if you are giving him what he wants. Tell him you dont want any more to do with him, in fact kick him were it hurts tell him you have met someone else and want nothing more to do with him You obviously dont care for him anymore as you say you didnt enjoy what happened kick him into touch

 
Old 03-23-2011, 03:47 AM   #4
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Re: How do I come back from this?

i agree you should tell this guy ''im not interested anymore im moving on'' then move on. in time you will feel confident and strong and put it behind you and when you meet a special loving man you can look back and laugh because hes a waste of space and will end up with nobody if he treats women like that and you'll be loved.

 
Old 03-23-2011, 10:52 AM   #5
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Re: How do I come back from this?

start respecting yourself enough to meet YOUR needs, not everyone elses.
a good start would be to read the book "co-dependent no more"
it helped me......
if you lay down and act like a doormat, don't be surprised when people wipe their feet on you.
stop being a victim and take charge of your life

 
Old 03-23-2011, 11:13 AM   #6
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Re: How do I come back from this?

Is it possible to completely disassociate yourself from him? If so, I think this is the best way. Since you care about him and the fact that you have been friends for so long makes it harder to slowly distant yourself, in these situations, I feel like it's easier to make the complete separation from each other. Keeping in contact and taking a 'just friends' approach will just keep you in this cycle that you are trying to break.

Just think about the facts: he hurts you, makes you feel bad, doesn't come around unless he wants to/ wants something. Really, is this someone you would consider a friend? I think once you are able to see this, it'll be easier to distant yourself from him completely. You can't continue a sexual relationship with him if you no longer see him. So just think about this option.

It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt when you see that he doesn't want to hang out with you unless it ends in hoooking up. It's going to hurt to see weeks go by without your friend of 3 years not even try to reach out. But one day, it won't hurt. And next thing you know, a year goes by, you guys come back in contact out of coincidence and can then establish an actual friendship.

Good luck.

 
Old 03-23-2011, 11:40 AM   #7
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Re: How do I come back from this?

say this to yourself ''i dont need you , you need me ''....then believe it. you dont need him, but he needs you (for one thing) but you are a strong respectable lady who doesnt give him what he needs because you dont gain anything from it, only HE does. also (i know this sounds really awful)...also...think in your mind and think about what hes thinking...what can you find? yes him thinking ''ooooh i need some fun lets go see Stand16 she'll give me it''. using you and no thought for you. just for himself. how selfish of him. imagine meeting a nice man, who holds you in his arms and truly loves you, cares for you, always considers your feelings, even abit of romance. you wont meet that man till you get rid of the using idiot.

sometimes we just have to walk away no matter how painful it is. splitting up pain is temporary, pain in terrible relationships are long term and can be very very very damaging and im speaking from experience here. im messed up in therapy, couldnt trust my recent relationship even though he didnt cheat but he also ****** me off a few times and i just thought i need to be by myself so i left. of course i miss him, hurt but it does feel like a relief too. every day gets easier.

find REAL happiness , not fake happiness.

Last edited by cryingforever; 03-23-2011 at 11:42 AM.

 
Old 03-23-2011, 01:32 PM   #8
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Re: How do I come back from this?

First of all, Stand16, please don't be so hard on yourself. In our society, sex is all around us. I have a co-worker who is always saying "sex is just sex." We're bombarded all day every day with millions of images and messages that tell us that sex without love and/or commitment is normal, even expected, and if you wait for love you're a freak, there's something wrong with you, you're thinking too much about it, wanting too much from it, etc. I sort of went through the same thing myself when I found out my ex boyfriend had gotten married, and I sort of freaked out a little bit. I got back into contact with a mutual friend of ours, in fact he was best man at the ex's wedding, and though I didn't have sex with him, there was sexual contact, some slap and tickle, etc. I had no feelings for him at all, but I thought that's what you were supposed to do, move on, just reduce it to nothing more than physical, etc. But I learned that's just not who I am. He had borrowed some money from me and I decided I no longer wanted him in my life so I told him I wouldn't loan him any more money until he paid me what he owed me and he had to come to my part of town to pay me. I knew he wouldn't pay me, and certainly wouldn't drive to my place to give me the money, so by laying down parameters I knew he didn't consider me worth respecting, I would never hear from him again. And I never did.

If you hate the way you are feeling now, then LESSON ONE - STOP doing the thing that makes you feel bad, mainly, stop sleeping with this guy you know doesn't think you're good enough to be girlfriend material. It will take a little time to heal, but consider it a necessary experience, something you had to do to learn a very important lesson, to get from who you were to who you're going to be, who you want to be. Now you know you're worth more than this guy is giving you. Now you know this guy only means humiliation and pain, rejection and feeling used. Now you know you have a choice - to choose to be used and disrespected, or to choose to think too much of yourself to be nothing more than this guy's part time piece of meat when he's between "real" women. We all make mistakes, and we all have lessons we have to learn, and we all do things maybe we shouldn't have, or things we regret, but things that help us learn to be who we want to be. The only unforgiveable mistake in life is to end up the exact same person you were when you started out. It's ok that you had this experience with this guy. There's no shame in it. The only shame would be not learning from it, and not becoming stronger and more self-respecting because of it.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 03-23-2011 at 01:40 PM.

 
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