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Old 03-25-2011, 10:49 PM   #1
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Angry cheating or not

Ok i need some advice,my husband and i have been married going on 20 yrs this June.This past month some of our bills bounced due to not enough money in the bank,even tho this has never happened before.A few of the bills come out automatically,the rest i pay online.I got suspicious and checked my bank statements,there were ATM charges over 800 dollars.None of them were mine.My husband travels 5 days a week,for work.Sometimes he hits the ATM twice in one day.He jumped all over me about the bounced checks,but said nothing about the money that he was taking out of the ATM each week.He told me since im a stay at home mom with a 12 yr old son who possibly has adhd,that i have no right to know where the money went,because i dont work.

Then he told me hes been going out to eat everyday for lunch,and the rest he spent on gas.Am i overreacting?My husbands mom died a few yrs ago,he would visit her from time to time,now he's at his dads house 4 times a month after work.When he's there he's there for a couple hrs ,he doesnt call,and i really dont know if he's there at all.When he comes home he falls asleep on the couch,and thats it for the night.He works 2 jobs so i know he's tired alot,but is it too much to ask for him to spend some time with us?I have a couple health problems that make it difficult for me to work out of the house.Im getting the feeling that the money is going somewhere else.He thinks because im a stay at home mom,i have no say so,when it comes to how,or when are monies spent.I do everything a stay at home moms suppossed to do.The cooking cleaning,laundry,shopping,and doing the bills,not only that we have a problem child 12 yr old who gonna put me over the edge.But i guess in his world im a second class citizen.Am i in the wrong here or what?Any opinions welcomed.

Last edited by Administrator; 04-06-2011 at 07:59 PM.

 
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Old 03-25-2011, 11:31 PM   #2
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Re: cheating or not

Hell no you're not overreacting, and hell no, it's not your fault. It's unreasonable, unfair, and just plain stupid and crazy for him to make withdrawals as high as $800 and not tell you about it, then blame you if the account is overdrawn. But I think he knows how unreasonable it is, he just doesn't want the attention on him and what he's up to, so he does his best to shift the blame to you. Yeah, he's either crazy, incredibly stupid, or hiding something. Smells like door number three to me.

And by the way, you are working for the household and for the family just as surely as he is. You keep the household running. If you weren't there, think of the money he'd have to spend on cooks, maids, laundry service, and day care. When you make the decision to get married, and you both make the decision for one of you to work and the other to work at home and tend to the running of the household, then the money is not just his. It's the household's money, and if the two of you were to split, in most states you'd be entitled to half of all the marital assets, plus alimony and child support. Don't let him bully you. Tell him straight out, you are either in control of the household finances or you aren't. If he expects you to pay the bills and maintain the account and keep from getting overdrawn, then you have the right to demand to know where all the unaccounted-for money is going. If he wants to keep his finances a secret, then he can pay all the bills, balance the checkbook, do all the grocery shopping, take the kids to get new clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc. It's absurd for him to demand to have it both ways. But again, I think he's trying to have it both ways because he's hiding something.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 03-25-2011 at 11:52 PM.

 
Old 03-26-2011, 09:03 AM   #3
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Re: cheating or not

After being married for 20 years you have every right to know where the money is going each month. Maybe not to the last penny, but in general. Whether you are working or not.

This is true especially if the checks bounce.

You are in the right, no question about it.

Whether he is cheating or not is an entirely different topic.

Hoop!

Last edited by Administrator; 04-06-2011 at 07:59 PM.

 
Old 03-26-2011, 06:39 PM   #4
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Re: cheating or not

We had a big blow up,i think we are on the verge of getting a divorce.Ive been putting up with him belittling me for almost 12yrs now.I have no self-esteem left.It's been 12 yrs since i held down a job,due to health problems,and in the 12 yrs,anytime we had a minor argument hes thrown it in my face that i dont work.After awhile it starts too make you feel less of a person.My sister is well off but if i live with her i also will have to take my 12 yr old son with me,and i wont be able to contribute to her household finances.When it comes to my family there isnt anything that i wouldnt do to help them,and ive always stepped up when any of them have needed help My husband to listening to ppl at work tell him hes right and im in the wrong.I read your reply to him,and told him that you were a guy,but he said your probably just somekind of kook.His father drove his mother to death,his dad cheated on his mom with her best friend.She was depressed and emotionally beat down,to the point when she started showing symptoms of cancer,she just didnt care,ignored it and died from it.
Its good to hear an opinion from a guy.Thanks very much.

 
Old 03-27-2011, 09:54 AM   #5
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Re: cheating or not

Although the ATM withdrawals are troubling, I can kind of see where he's coming from in a general sense. He's working 2 jobs, you're not working. He should be supportive of your health issues, but at the same time he probably resents the fact that he has to work so much to keep the income coming in. Is there nothing you can do to contribute to the finances?

I have a friend whose wife stays home with 3 kids under the age of 4. That's a full-time job, for sure. But you have one school-aged kid. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's not exactly the equivalent of working full time. My wife and I both work full time and have a 2 year old, and our house isn't falling down. We split the chores and get a lot of it done on the weekends.

Now, there should be no secrets in a marriage, so you are entitled to know why he would make an $800 withdrawal from an ATM. Has he always used cash a lot? Was this one withdrawal, or a lot of little ones that added up? Most people don't use cash for gas and meals these days--that's what plastic is for. So I'd worry that if he's withdrawing an excess of cash that it's being used for something illicit--drugs, prostitutes and gambling come to mind.

 
Old 03-30-2011, 06:45 PM   #6
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Re: cheating or not

Relationships are all about communications. Regardless if you work or not doesn't mean that you have no say or can't ask questions about where the money goes. It is not fair to you at all because marriage is partnership and finances are something that should not be an issue to communicate about. I don't know if he is necessary cheating but he isn't making you feel secure by his reaction and you, as a human being can only begin to have your mind racing. Just curious, has he always had full control of the money in your relationship? If so, then it makes sense why he is reacting the way he is. If not then there is more to it. I hope things get better for you.

 
Old 03-31-2011, 06:58 AM   #7
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Re: cheating or not

I would suggest listening and reading Dave Ramsey. He is a financial counselor that focuses on finances and marriage. When the preacher married you he said that you were now one entity. Your budget should be done together with each partner knowing and agreeing 100% where each dollar is going. It is a negociation with both partners equally involved. When only one partner takes care of the finances and when one partner thinks that he has more say over the money because he is the one working, then that is not a partnership.

Him taking out hundreds of dollars without explanation is extremely suspicious.

 
Old 03-31-2011, 07:24 AM   #8
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Re: cheating or not

I don't think you are over reacting either. It does not matter if your a stay at home mom you still need to know what he spends his money on. If he does not want to tell you then something is up. If he keeps you informed on what he spends then the over drafts don't happen. If he is falling asleep on the when he comes home at night and not wanting to be with you then I would say he is cheating or he needs to stop working so much so he can spend time with you.

Like my uncle told me bafore. It's nice to have money but if your working to much to enjoy time with ur familly then whats the sense in making all that money.

 
Old 03-31-2011, 10:41 AM   #9
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Re: cheating or not

I'll try to reply to everyones questions in this one posting.First,yes my husband has always been controlling ,when it comes to finances,but not too the point,where he's ever took more money out of the bank,so our bills bounced.Usually if he buys something,he brings it home,and usually mentions that he bought something.As for my health issues,i have ibs and gerd,which combined make it very difficult for me to travel,even short distances,thats why i moved where we live at,cause im bout 5 minutes away from shopping centers,mall,grocery stores.Since there is no cure for ibs,which ive been trying to cope with since i was 17,im now 54.My gerd situation,im on medication,but 3 to 4 times a week it manages to break thru,and cause me to be up pacing the floor sometimes till dawn.My husband seems to prefer to spend his spare time with his father,than with me and our son.My son is 12 but he's not your normal 12 yr old.Right now he's being evaluated by a neuro for ADHD.He lies and steals at the drop of a hat,which anything that happens at school falls back on me,because my husbands hardly around.Im not faulting him,because he works hard,matter fact thats one of his better qualities.He seems to be annoyed more by his son,then anything.I feel bad for my son,because he's so upset because he thinks we're heading for a divorce.After the big blowup,i just went online again and there are 2 atm transaction,one day apart.So the drama continues.I'll keep anyone updated that cares to know.Thanks for everyone's opinions.

 
Old 03-31-2011, 10:51 AM   #10
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Re: cheating or not

my first thought is, maybe he's gambling?

 
Old 03-31-2011, 10:52 AM   #11
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Re: cheating or not

I understand he works hard and doesn't have alot of time for you guys. But maybe thats what your son needs is for ur husband to spend time with him. I know I always enjoyed going with my dad places even if it was something I didn't enjoy. It was the time together for me. The money thing all I can say is maybe you need to start taking money and putting it aside so you have it to work with when he does take to much out next time. JMO

 
Old 04-03-2011, 03:46 AM   #12
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Trying to put any money aside will be difficult,being that he carries the only atm card,and im not allowed to have it,unless im going grocery shopping,but that was a pretty good idea none the less.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
my first thought is, maybe he's gambling?
Funny you should mention that,cause it would be really easy for him to do that, he works as a cook in a casino.

We are now sleeping in seperate rooms,and it doesnt seem to bother him. All kinds of thoughts are racing thru my mind.Is he cheating,gambling, he's not saying anything to aleviate my suspicions.We're not talking, matter fact im afraid to say anything to him, without him getting mad. If he can't stop his controlling ways, it might be too late to fix this marriage. I would hate for my younger son to be hurt by this drama,he has enough emotional problems to deal with already. Thanks for listening.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 04-03-2011 at 06:03 AM.

 
Old 04-03-2011, 05:13 AM   #13
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Re: cheating or not

I would say your son is already hurt by these issues. He has a father who doesnt spend time with him. How sad!

I would say gambling or cheating. Maybe he should be put on an allowance each week.

Also, are you sure your husband withdrew this money? I would want to know who removed all the cash because what if someone else has your card? Did your husband admit to removing that much money?

Additionally, when you remove money, your account will tell you WHERE and what time that money was removed. What ATM location is he using? A work ATM or maybe one in a strip club? In any case, get to the bottom of it.
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Last edited by Belly Kelly; 04-03-2011 at 05:31 AM.

 
Old 04-04-2011, 12:46 AM   #14
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Re: cheating or not

First off,when i confronted him about it,he said he's the one that works,so therefore he doesn't owe me any explanation about where the money went.Then he said he spent it on gas and lunch,and i said but 800 dollars in one month?I guess what really makes me mad is that i have to give an account of how much money i spend,just to go grocery shopping.I don't buy anything but food.I told him then you do the shopping,because it stresses me out terribly,cause i don't want to hear him mouth off when i get home.Since when is it ok to be disrespectful to your spouse,because shes a stay at home mom.I take care of everything at home.I have a 12yr old child who has severe ADHD,and a tendency to just pickup(steal) and lie,without any sense of consequences.Im stressed so bad i had to make an appt with a doctor,to get some anxiety meds.If that isn't enough,for the past 2 months ive been having like a sore spot in my chest,which i will now have to have tests to determine what it might be.The atm withdrawls seem to be regularly at the same atms,at the end of the day.Usually the withdrawls are from a gas station,or like a mini mart,kinda of store.Hope that answers your questions.Thanks for replying to my post.

 
Old 04-04-2011, 07:28 AM   #15
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Re: cheating or not

My wife and I keep separate personal checking accounts, and then one "house" checking account, and then all of our savings are joint. We each have our paychecks deposited into our personal accounts, and then we each fund the house account with a set amount from each paycheck (I contribute more because I make more), and we pay all of the house bills, grocery shopping, etc. out of the house account, and that account is always sufficiently funded.

We do it this way because it's what we always did before marriage, and it works for us. Nothing is secret, but it keeps us from nitpicking the other's spending choices. I think it's kind of silly that my wife will pay $100 to get her hair cut, but if it's coming out of her own account, I never see it and I don't think about it. If it was coming out of "our" money, it might bug me more.

You may have other issues going on in your marriage, but I know a lot of couples argue about money. Keeping some independence with finances may be a healthy thing. With you not working, your husband could fund one separate account for you--out of which you pay all the bills and whatever else you need, and then he could maintain his own account for whatever he needs. Or, you could try to find a job that you can do, and provide yourself with some of your own income.

 
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