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Old 03-28-2011, 03:22 PM   #1
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What to do about my boyfriend's family... particularly his mother!

Hi Guys,

This is my first post. I wanted to see what others thought about the issue that I'm having with my boyfriend's family. We are both 28 and have been together for 10.5yrs now. From the VERY beginning of our relationship his mother has been very rude, condescending and downright disrespectful towards me. She's always got a judgemental comment to make, she always tries to force her opinion and views about things onto us and no matter what she is always negative about every single thing she talks about. Unless of course she is talking to people she feels she has to impress (colleagues, friends, her in-laws etc etc)

The last straw for me was a couple of mths ago at their dinner table when she asked me about why my father and his wife fought so often, when I responded "I don't know, I don't know the details of their relationship" she looked me in the eye and told me that my father was a "loser". I was so insulted, I left the table, stormed out of the house and my boyfriend (who still lives at home) and I had a HUGE argument about the way his family treats me. But she also treats him with disrespect also. In fact, she talks to her husband, her daughter, her siblings and her whole family like they are scum.

I voiced my opinions (partially through my boyfriend) a couple of times in the past but nothing has changed. I am now at a point where I haven't been to his house in about 3mths because I refuse to acknowledge her until she apologizes for the comment that she made about my father.

Last night things blew out of control again because my boyfriends sister (after sitting around being nosy with his mother) called him while he was at my house and was aggressively trying to see what he was doing and give him orders. I lost my temper completely because I'm at a point where I just can't deal with his family anymore.

Whenever we have approached the mother about the issues she makes excuses by saying that she was raised this way, that's how they speak, she is unhappy with her marriage etc etc.

I don't know what else to do at this point. I feel like I'm in a losing battle. I want to marry this man but I NEVER want my own children to see this and think that it is acceptable for family members to treat each other this way. What should I do? I am feeling like I'm in a corner alone, and I don't think things will ever get better because his mother and sister aren't willing to accept in the least that they have done wrong?

Last edited by Administrator; 03-28-2011 at 08:32 PM.

 
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:56 PM   #2
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Re: What to do about my boyfriend's family...particularly his mother!

Your boyfriend really needs to move out of his Mother's house. Then he needs to stand up to her and stand up for you.
If he won't or can't stand up for you, he never will. My ex never stood up for me to his Mother, and now he's an ex.
Do you really want to live your life with a MIL like her and a husband who won't stand up to his own Mother to protect and defend you??

You should really think about it long and hard. I wish I had.

 
Old 03-28-2011, 09:47 PM   #3
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Re: What to do about my boyfriend's family...particularly his mother!

I had a long discussion with my boyfriend tonight about what to do. I told him I want her cut from our relationship until she is willing to acknowledge her wrongs and make an effort to do make things better. He doesn't seem to want to take this approach. I hate giving him an ultimatum but I told him that if he doesn't want to do it my way then he has three months to do something and for me to see results. If in 3mths we aren't in a better position then he either leaves home and moves in with me and cuts them out or I leave him. At this point I'm not sure what else to do?

 
Old 03-29-2011, 03:26 AM   #4
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Re: What to do about my boyfriend's family...particularly his mother!

Your boyfriend knows his mother..give up totally on hoping for some sort of apology, you will never get it. I know it is hard, but you must remember that everything that comes out of her mouth is all about her. She is full of rage and poison and it just sprays around on anything in the vicinity. It sounds like her daughter is a willing pupil and is becoming like her. She does not know and cares less that she is treading on your feelings. By all means keep away from her, but asking your BF to choose is a very dangerous step, both in the short- and long-term. Let him stay in contact with her, it doesn't have to be the both of you. Having said that, you will need clear evidence that he can distance himself in a healthy way, eg moving in with you and limiting his mother's visits to "invitation only" or "hell freezing over" LOL. Keep yourself from getting tangled up in her stuff, it has nothing to do with you, just maintain a dignified silence. If she realises that you are the same no matter what she says or does, it will annoy her big time (always a bonus). Hang in there, these people are pains, but they are everywhere. Cheers, Sera.

 
Old 03-29-2011, 05:51 AM   #5
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Re: What to do about my boyfriend's family...particularly his mother!

You've been together for 10 years... It's time for the two of you to gain some independence together. Why would he want to live at home, when it appears that you're willing to have him live with you?

 
Old 03-29-2011, 06:20 AM   #6
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Re: What to do about my boyfriend's family...particularly his mother!

In 10 years he hasn't managed to move out, get married, and cut this crazy mom out of his life? This problem could have been dealt with years ago by him taking a stand, getting married and moving far away from those people. But he chooses to not only stay there and live with his crazy family but he has also not made any moves toward becoming a proper husband for you - in 10 years!! He clearly has no ambition, no self-determination, and no desire to move forward in his life. You did the right thing to give him an ultimatum finally, but I would have only given him a month! He has had 10 years of your life, which you will never get back, and wasted them with this constant daily stress and drama which all could have been avoided if he would have grown a spine and stood up for himself and for his relationship with you. But he's not going to because he is a coward and has no goals in life to get away to have a better life. You are better off without a dead weight like him!

 
Old 03-29-2011, 07:01 AM   #7
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Re: What to do about my boyfriend's family...particularly his mother!

Just let me ask you this:

Are there any issues in your relationship with your boyfriend other than his family members?

 
Old 03-29-2011, 08:46 AM   #8
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Re: What to do about my boyfriend's family...particularly his mother!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
In 10 years he hasn't managed to move out, get married, and cut this crazy mom out of his life? This problem could have been dealt with years ago by him taking a stand, getting married and moving far away from those people. But he chooses to not only stay there and live with his crazy family but he has also not made any moves toward becoming a proper husband for you - in 10 years!! He clearly has no ambition, no self-determination, and no desire to move forward in his life. You did the right thing to give him an ultimatum finally, but I would have only given him a month! He has had 10 years of your life, which you will never get back, and wasted them with this constant daily stress and drama which all could have been avoided if he would have grown a spine and stood up for himself and for his relationship with you. But he's not going to because he is a coward and has no goals in life to get away to have a better life. You are better off without a dead weight like him!

I completely agree, you have been with this guy for 10.5 years and he's just your boyfriend? And he still lives at home at 28 years old? I'm not sure it's the mother that has all the problems that you should be concerned about because to me, your boyfriend clearly has commitment issues that you are have been overlooking.
If my mother treated my girl like that when we were together my mother would have known that I didn't appreciate it and the fact that it's putting strain on my relationship.

 
Old 03-29-2011, 10:12 AM   #9
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Re: What to do about my boyfriend's family...particularly his mother!

your boyfriend is a mama's boy.....plain and simple, he doesn't want to disappoint/disrespect his mother.
this won't change, he will always put his mother above you....
it's up to you how long you want to live like this.

 
Old 03-29-2011, 07:22 PM   #10
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Re: What to do about my boyfriend's family...particularly his mother!

Ditto to what Rose said. My last boyfriend was a Mama's boy. He is no longer my boyfriend and that is a huge part of it. It was creepy, there was always this subtle hint of competition in the air and I was always second best.

 
Old 03-30-2011, 01:04 AM   #11
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Re: What to do about my boyfriend's family...particularly his mother!

Is this the first time you've tried to get him to stand up to his mother in the past 10 years, or the latest in a long line of attempts?

Unfortunately you can't ask him to break all ties with his mother. He obviously knows what she's like and accepts her the way she is. He should at the very least let her know that her behaviour towards you is unacceptable. If he can't do that then you're fighting a losing battle.

You can step back and not have contact with his family, but any kids you may have will be caught in a tug-of-war. He may well insist on his family having contact with them while you don't want them to.

If he hasn't made a proper commitment to you in over 10 years, hasn't backed you up with his mother when he knows how you feel, then things aren't looking too good.

 
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Old 03-30-2011, 06:46 AM   #12
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Re: What to do about my boyfriend's family...particularly his mother!

Well, I shouldn't say anything about your boyfriend... How can I accuse him of being a mamma's boy? It is not for me to judge him. But I know that sons and mothers usually have a very complex relationship and trying to change it is almost going against nature. If you have been dating for more than 10 years without full commitment, I should think that this was a decision of you guys, not of him alone.

Ok, that said, I think it's unfair of you to ask him to choose you or her, or ask him to tell her to apologize to you for the rude things she says. He can (and should) voice to her that her comments hurt you, but it is not in his power to make her change or do what you want her to do. When you came into his life, his mother was already there, right?

I think you have two options here: either you avoid her as much as possible or you take her just the way she is. The second option, though more difficult, would be better. You should not react to her rudeness. I understand that storming out of the house was your instinctive response, but that was just what she wanted you to do. If you had stayed and just taken her inadequate observation about your daddy as a display of her ignorance or else as her right to express her opinion (albeit unnecessary), if you had been able to control your emotional reaction, you would have been a winner, so to say.

Now if there are any other issues in this relationship, like he is not independent enough and will never be free enough from his mother's influence, it's up to you to decide if you want to stay or move on.

From where I stand, I don't see any strong reason for you to break up with him, if you love him and respect him, just because of his ill-tempered family.

But I also know: easier said than done...

 
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