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Old 03-29-2011, 03:38 PM   #1
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Trying to get over a toxic friendship that ended in disaster

Hello everyone. I'm having some problems sleeping after I allowed what was supposed to be a friend to again use me. This person has been in and out of my life for ten years now and we have a history of disagreements.

Basically, I feel that she expects the world from me and everyone around her but she doesn't give the same in return, and I end up feeling used in the end and aggitated with myself for not keeping her out of my life.

Things have happened, like I took her to lunch for her birthday and spent $120 at a nice restaurant. For my birthday she planned her second wedding two days before it and expected me to spend over $1000 to go to her destination wedding where she tied the knot with a guy she doesn't even love. She has thrown this in my face for the last eight years. She originally asked me to be the maid of honor, and then without even letting me know until i asked a month later, she decided to have her sisters stand for her instead. Am I expecting too much, I mean, shouldn't she have told me this when she decided to do it instead of allowing me to think it was going to be me?? I didn't expect her to ask me in the first place but I have a feeling I could have spent all that money and not even known until I got there what was going on.

She's been in a number of car accidents, not involving other motorists. The first accident was "a near death experience" that she really built up and I visited and brought take out food and stayed with her. Then she had a second accident. She didn't even answer my calls until four days later and she sounded fine and giddy because someone that she was having an affair with was there at her house while her husband was gone on business. The minute the guy left, I was bombarded with text messages and phone calls. I was working and had plans after work. I went home and she contacted me on Yahoo Messenger and I explained that I couldn't talk because I was walking out the door. She got mad and posted an unflattering picture of me on facebook. When I saw the picture, I was so upset. I couldn't believe she would do something like that. I called, she didn't answer, then i tried to email and she had blocked me between the time i called and the time i went to email her. i was soooooo angry. then she used the accident as an excuse to curse me out. Now, not only is she throwing her wedding in my face, but also this accident. I was there for the first and had she not been so selfish, I would have been there for this one and considering that i hadn't heard from her in a week and she only called because the guy left, i don't think i was at fault for not dropping everything to talk to her.

This was almost two years ago. After the huge fight(back and forth between the both of us), she continued emailing me. I thought maybe we could be phone friends, and I've seen people die in the past few years from cancer, so i thought maybe i'm being petty. well it happened all over again. This time, my friend, who has stopped speaking with people who don't show up for her birthday celebration and who kept me on the phone for hours three to four nights a week prior to my birthday, didn't even call me. she is well aware of what i'm going through right now. not only did she not call, she didn't call for 20 days. i sent an email telling her how upset i was that she didn't call, but she turned it around and made it about her and her problems, which is her MO.

I decided to just end the friendship, but not with all the fighting. since she wasn't calling anyway, i went ahead and took her off of my friends list on fb. three days later she had the nerve to send an email demanding to know if i took her off. i asked her if she got my email. according to her, me telling her how i felt was offensive to her. after realizing that she is just going to argue with me instead of saying and meaning that she is sorry, i didn't respond to any other emails. then she started with the nasty text messages and when people resort to that type of stuff, i normally give it right back to them. there was yet another fight and this is how she does it. she sends a nasty email and then blocks yours, and that way she feels that she has gotten the last word in. i am so angry with her and relieved to have her out of my life forever, because there will be no going back now, but i am also angry with myself because i stooped to her level and engaged in the same ridiculous behaviour. i also feel like a fool, like a dope, for allowing her into my life again in the first place only to have the same exact thing happen that's been happening for ten years. i can't sleep and the anger hasn't subsided. what can i do to feel better about this????

 
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Old 03-29-2011, 03:49 PM   #2
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Re: Trying to get over a toxic friendship that ended in disaster

An addition to the story is that in 10 years, she hasn't spent one birthday with me but I have been there for six of hers. While I have given her cards when she has gotten mad at me for no reason whatsoever(she gets mad for no reason whatsoever), she has never once cared in the least when she has hurt me or made me angry. NEVER. It is so hard not to send emails(mean) letting her know exactly what I think of her, etc., because I feel like she won her game and if I wouldn't have responded to her nasty text messages, I would have been fine. I'm mad for falling into her petty little web. She is a narcissist and it really kills me to know that she THINKS she won this round. There will never be another because I am done with her for good this time, but how do I get over the anger??

 
Old 03-29-2011, 05:55 PM   #3
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Re: Trying to get over a toxic friendship that ended in disaster

Sorry if I'm harsh, but this is all extremely immature. All this "she THINKS she won this round" and posting bad pics on facebook stuff sounds like you guys are in junior high. It also sounds like you do all these things for her, yet you don't even like her! For example, you go to spend time with her after her accident, yet you admit that you think she's basically building it up for attention. This doesn't sound like someone you just really care about and want to get better.

It seems like a competitive relationship that's not actually based on caring, warmth, trust, mutuality, etc. Sounds like you really just kinda think she's a selfish, self-absorbed, catty woman, which she does sound like, by the way. Have you thought about why you continued to take her into your life and spend time with her on her birthday and all that when you don't even really respect her?

It also kinda seems like you do "nice" things for her just to get something out of it. I am not sure if it's approval you're seeking from her or what, but if you really just wanted to be there for her after her accident, you wouldn't be so mad that she was with a man. You wouldn't have taken it so personally. You expected her to accept the help and resented her for not agreeing to that.

I definitely think you're doing the right thing by cutting her out of your life. She doesn't sound like a very good person at heart. At all. Sounds like the kind of relationship where this "cutting out" would happen over and over though, so I really hope you can stay strong on this one.

What's important for you is not to focus on her and her problems and what she's done to you, which isn't going to help you learn from this or grow, but to look at what you were getting out of this-because we all repeat behaviors only because something about it is working for us-why would you allow someone in your life that you feel uses you and doesn't respect you or appreciate you?

The anger will subside only when you stop contact and stop giving her a way to re-anger you.

Last edited by digmusic; 03-29-2011 at 05:59 PM.

 
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Old 03-29-2011, 08:45 PM   #4
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Re: Trying to get over a toxic friendship that ended in disaster

Thank you, digsmusic, for your response. Let me give you a brief history. I did love and respect her at the beginning of the friendship. We laugh a lot and enjoy talking to each other. She was one of my closest friends and I loved her as one. It was when things started happenning that my feelings changed and this was about three years after we first became friends. I would have done anything to keep our friendship from falling apart in the beginning, after the first fight that we had after a year and she quit talking to me because I didn't attend her destination wedding. I put up with so much from her in regards to attitude and just outright rude and nasty behavior that she blamed me for. I didn't give her the proper goodbye, I wasn't there for her wedding, I didn't buy her a card for her birthday, etc., were all reasons for her to act out and be rude and nasty to me. It wasn't about competition, but after the first three years and yet another fight, I finally decided that I would not continue giving to her because I felt that she took advantage and that's when it all stopped(my giving so much).

i haven't been nearly as generous for about six years. She EXPECTS so much from people, though, and that's where problems come in. Yes, it is immature and childish, posting pictures on facebook, which didn't bother me as much as the nasty comment she made underneath the photo, which was why I removed her as a friend, and that was all she even cared about, not about my feelings. We are in our 40's. I realize that she has some serious issues and obviously i do to or i wouldn't have been friends with her in the first place, but I suppose I kept going back to the friendship just like I would go back to a relationship hoping to find what was there in the beginning, but that is gone and the entire relationship is tarnished by years of fighting. I also started to doubt myself and my feelings about prior situations, forgetting why it all happened in the first place after a period of time.There are times when I love talking to her but when we have times like these it overshadows the only good we had left in our friendship. The last fight was started by her saying that I have never been there for her, bringing up the wedding and the second accident. When I reminded her of the things I have done for her, she said she didn't remember any of it and that was the most infuriating part.

The guy who stayed with her for three days after her accident wasn't the issue for me. I couldn't drive over and see her as she was over two hours away and no one was invited when he was there anyway. It was that she sounded great, she posted pictures of herself two days after the accident, out, and she looked perfectly fine, she was down right giddy when he was there. The moment he left, her entire attitude changed. I didn't speak to her because she didn't answer the phone until four days after the accident because he was there. As soon as he left, she expected me to change my plans and drop everything for her when she didn't even talk to me when he was around or tell me anything when he was there, do you see?? But as soon as he was gone she was looking for sympathy and wanted to talk about him, from what the text messages I received from her said, and then she used her accident as an excuse to behave badly and curse me out for not "being there", in her opinion, for her. Am I supposed to be on call for her whenever she is ready to talk even if I am busy at that time, even though she had no desire to talk and didn't when she didn't want to?? I'm not saying I was never going to talk to her again, but I couldn't talk the night she wanted to talk and then she wouldn't answer my calls for the rest of the weekend and she posted the picture on facebook, and sent me an angry message on Yahoo Messenger. I figured I'd talk to her later on in the weekend but she ignored me because I didn't drop everything when she contacted me.

You are right, and thank you for the advice. Staying away from her before made me feel so much better, but on other occasions I left the friendship feeling better about myself. Now I'm just angry that I acted like her and that is what kills me the most. Obviously no one wins in situations like these but sometimes you go away knowing that you've handled the situation as best as you possibly could. I don't feel like that right now. the most infuriating part of the whole ordeal is her sending nasty emails and then blocking mine because she does not care what i say or feel. So it's not a competition, it's about her lack of respect for others, which took me years to realize.

 
Old 03-29-2011, 09:31 PM   #5
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Re: Trying to get over a toxic friendship that ended in disaster

This helped me understand things a little more clearly.

I totally understand your anger about her going out after the accident, all happy with this guy, and then pulling the pity card and getting mad at you because you weren't there for her in her "time of need." How manipulative can someone be? The number one way to identify a sociopath is whether or not they are constantly pulling the victim card to get people to feel sorry for them, just sayin... (I'm not diagnosis-happy, I've just been reading this book about sociopaths.) She certainly doesn't appreciate the fact that you have a life at all.

She seems to place a lot of importance on birthdays, doesn't she? Getting mad at you for not sending her a birthday card is incredibly juvenile. I know I just said to focus on yourself and your patterns and not on her, but hell, I'm finding myself having to vent!

I think you have a good head on your shoulders and seem well capable of analyzing your own behaviors and motivations. How does this relationship correlate with others in your life? Do you have a history of letting people walk all over you, of staying in relationships long after they've gone bad? The way you described staying her friend cause you kept thinking it would go back to how it was in the beginning almost sounded like you were talking from the perspective of a battered wife.

I hope you can take this opportunity to evaluate how you relate with others so you can raise your self-esteem and self-respect. You deserve real friends who care about you and love you. I know how hard it is to walk away sometimes, despite what you know is right. No matter what someone does, if you spent days with them laughing and being happy, it's inevitably gonna hurt.

Last edited by digmusic; 03-29-2011 at 09:36 PM.

 
Old 03-29-2011, 10:58 PM   #6
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Re: Trying to get over a toxic friendship that ended in disaster

Digsmusic, you are incredible. Thank you so much for the advice. You would make a great psychiatrist.

I've thought about my other friendships and relationships and tried to find a common thread among them, but there isn't really a pattern that I see myself. I will continue thinking about the subject and see if I can figure this out myself, though. Thank you again.

I wasn't completely innocent in any of the fights that we had. More often than not, I was intentionally provoked, or so I thought even if it was denied but it's really no excuse for engaging her in crazy messages that were sent when we were both over the top with anger. I wish I would have stayed away from that but now I have to work on not putting myself in that position again.

I appreciate your advice and will definitely work on this and maybe even read a book about sociopaths. Thank you so much for your perspective on this.

 
Old 03-30-2011, 10:34 AM   #7
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Re: Trying to get over a toxic friendship that ended in disaster

At this point in my life (age 32) the only friends I really have are the ones who are easy and enjoyable to spend time with. Granted, my circle of friends isn't nearly as large as it used to be in high school and college, but the few close friends I see and talk to on a regular basis are good, honest people who I could depend on, if needed, or simply have a beer with and shoot the $hit. Life is too short to deal with crap.

 
Old 03-30-2011, 03:11 PM   #8
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Re: Trying to get over a toxic friendship that ended in disaster

Thank you, Caburg, for responding. Less people definitely means less drama. I try to keep the drama at arms legnth, but I can't say no sometimes if people reach out to me, even if it is only for their gain. When I saw family members die at such a young age from a horrible disease, it made me think I was the one who was being petty for holding a grudge, even though I wouldn't call it a grudge but lesson learned now. I thought life was too short for grudges but it's too short for the drama.

 
Old 03-30-2011, 03:15 PM   #9
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Re: Trying to get over a toxic friendship that ended in disaster

Sorry about mispelling your screen names. That's Caberg and Digmusic.

 
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