This man that I know and was involved with for about a year, but still spoke to for a couple of years after we stopped seeing each other; has for some reason over the past few months chosen to avoid me when he sees me. He told me just last year that he saw me as more than a friend and that he was still attracted to me. When he asked me if I wanted to have an affair, and that you have to start somewhere, I turned him down. Even though I still spoke to him as normally as I would speak to anyone else, I wasn't going to see him on the side. Our speaking to each other still seemed to come easy in spite of everything.
A couple of times since he started avoiding me I went over to him and spoke to him when I saw him, but it was easy to tell that talking to him was nothing like it was before; even after we stopped seeing each other. So now when I see him I treat him the same way. I find it hard doing that because I am not used to ignoring people that I know. I guess it comes easier for men.
We have been over for a couple of years now, and for sometime afterwards, he was still somewhat warm and friendly. Now especially over the past few months he has become cold and distant, like being around me has become some kind of issue/problem for him. For example when we end up in the same room/floor, he will just keep on walking and avoid eye contact. Or while speaking to him you can tell that he is very uncomfortable. That is what is so confusing to me.
Why do men change so easily towards women when they have done nothing to hurt them?
Why do men have to behave that way? They can really ruin what could be a really good friendship.
There could be a number of reasons why he avoids you now.
Does he have a partner who's told him to have no contact with you?
Some men just don't want to be friends with women, especially ones they are attracted to and had a physical relationship with. You've told him you will not be having an affair with him so maybe he now sees no point in pursuing you at all.
Maybe he's finding it difficult to be friends with you when he's attracted to you or maybe his ego took a huge dent when you turned him down.
You can analyse his reasons till the cows come home but he's the only one who can really tell you. What it boils down to is for whatever reason he no longer wants to have any kind of friendship with you and you're going to have to let go.
I agree with Ely. It doesn't matter why. You were honest and respectful to him, so it's not anything you did. Jsut let him deal with it the way he chooses and move on.
My impression is that he has a problem not only with you, but with people (women) in general.
You better leave him alone.
As for your question "why do men behave that way?", I should say it's only the immature. It is more related to maturity level rather than gender.
He is an older man. I am in my 40's and he is 17 years older. He doesn't have a problem with women as he told me a couple of years after we stopped seeing each other; mind you it was in the same conversation where he told me that he still loved me; he said that he is a man, and that if he sees a woman with a good looking behind (I used the word "behind", as the other one wasn't appropriate for the message board) he is going to take notice.
Although we were involved before and became very physically close, we never had sex. Although I had very strong feelings for him, looked forward to seeing him every day, and was attracted to him, I had alot of doubts as to whether or not he was really focused on us, and that his relationship with the woman he was involved with was really over as he claimed; even though he told me that he loved me and that I was the one he wanted to be with.
As it turned out, after we were involved for at least a year, he told me that he told her he would at least think about taking her back; which he eventually did. Also during that same conversation, he told me that he thought we would have gone all the way by now. I am very relieved that we didn't. That was a couple of years ago. He was one man who didn't get to have his cake and eat it too.
But still the talking continued. That is why I am surprised at his behavior over the past few months. It is like being around me now after all of this time is very uncomfortable for him. And we have been over for at least a couple of years.
Very strange, huh?
Last edited by SHELLY2011; 03-30-2011 at 07:48 AM.
There could be a number of reasons why he avoids you now.
Does he have a partner who's told him to have no contact with you?
Some men just don't want to be friends with women, especially ones they are attracted to and had a physical relationship with. You've told him you will not be having an affair with him so maybe he now sees no point in pursuing you at all.
Maybe he's finding it difficult to be friends with you when he's attracted to you or maybe his ego took a huge dent when you turned him down.
You can analyse his reasons till the cows come home but he's the only one who can really tell you. What it boils down to is for whatever reason he no longer wants to have any kind of friendship with you and you're going to have to let go.
Knowing him, as far as I know, she doesn't know that we were involved at all. When I turned him down it was a year ago, and he never brought it up again. The other conversations that we had since then were just normal every day ones. That is why I am wondering now, what is his problem?
Last edited by SHELLY2011; 03-30-2011 at 08:17 AM.
We work in the same building (not with each other), and he isn't just now married. I guess you can refer to what they have as a common-law relationship as they share a home.
As I previously stated, after we were involved for at least a year, he told me that he told her (the woman that he was previously involved with and claimed their relationship was over), he would at least think about taking her back; which he eventually did. Also during that same conversation, he told me that he thought we would have gone all the way by now. I am very relieved that we didn't. That was a couple of years ago.
He is an older man. I am in my 40's and he is 17 years older. He doesn't have a problem with women as he told me a couple of years after we stopped seeing each other; mind you it was in the same conversation where he told me that he still loved me; he said that he is a man, and that if he sees a woman with a good looking behind (I used the word "behind", as the other one wasn't appropriate for the message board) he is going to take notice.?
Well, just because he notices a nice fanny doesn't mean he can't have problems relating to women, talking to them, dealing with them as fellow human beings.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SHELLY2011
As it turned out, after we were involved for at least a year, he told me that he told her he would at least think about taking her back; which he eventually did. Also during that same conversation, he told me that he thought we would have gone all the way by now. I am very relieved that we didn't. That was a couple of years ago. He was one man who didn't get to have his cake and eat it too.
But still the talking continued. That is why I am surprised at his behavior over the past few months. It is like being around me now after all of this time is very uncomfortable for him. And we have been over for at least a couple of years.
Very strange, huh?
It kind of sounds to me like he never really let the other woman go while he was with you, and went back to her at least in part because you weren't "giving it up." Which sort of indicates that as far as he was concerned, you weren't ever really a true friend to him, and now that you're no longer a sexual possibility or option, he feels no need to talk to you. Who knows. But again, does it really matter? Would knowing WHY he no longer wants to know you make any difference?
my advise to you is to let this go. You will let it eat at you forever if you don't.
This man is not worth the time you spend thinking about him. He isn't interested in having a friendship with you. Only he can tell you why that is, and he isn't going to.
For your own sake you need to move on and forget about him.
Last edited by Administrator; 03-30-2011 at 01:05 PM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Ely4 For This Useful Post: Curious One (03-30-2011)
Well, just because he notices a nice fanny doesn't mean he can't have problems relating to women, talking to them, dealing with them as fellow human beings.
It kind of sounds to me like he never really let the other woman go while he was with you, and went back to her at least in part because you weren't "giving it up." Which sort of indicates that as far as he was concerned, you weren't ever really a true friend to him, and now that you're no longer a sexual possibility or option, he feels no need to talk to you. Who knows. But again, does it really matter? Would knowing WHY he no longer wants to know you make any difference?
According to what he told me financial reasons played a big part in him taking her back. And knowing him as well as I do, money is very important to him. What he has invested he doesn't want to have to split with anyone.
Even during the conversations that we did have, the money topic always came up. Always a major concern for him.
And as far as me not giving it up it was to protect myself as I had alot of doubts as to whether or not he was really focused on us, and that his relationship with the woman he was involved with was really over as he claimed; even though he told me that he loved me and that I was the one he wanted to be with. And when we spoke about us after we stopped seeing each other, I told him that we weren't in a real relationship that was just about us for us to be able to go any further.
But still we spoke to each other; not every day but when we would run into each other. We have been over for a couple of years now, but it hasn't been until just a few months ago that his avoidance of me has become more noticeable; to the point where he seems to have some kind of problem with me, even with basic conversation.
If you are working in the same building, then his girlfriend/wife probably knows people there who are watching him for her. He knows this.
When we were involved with each other and even afterwards, he didn't have a problem with any one seeing us. We would be out in the open talking, and he didn't rush to walk away.
He even drove me home a couple of times after we stopped seeing each other.
I think rather than hyper analyzing HIS motives for ANYTHING (side note -- he clearly is "over" you), you might consider professional help for YOU regarding obsessing, letting go, etc.
There are also books you can read that might help. Don't remember the rules here about book titles, so I'll skip any recommendations.
Take care.
Last edited by Administrator; 03-30-2011 at 01:02 PM.
I know that I have written alot of content regarding this man. I guess I was just looking for more opinions on his behavior as we were supposed to be "friends" as he made it seem over the past couple of years. But I do not need professional help; as for the past month now I have been walking past him as if he is not even in the building; and he has definitely noticed. SIDE NOTE -- In the romantic sense, I am clearly "over" him too.
Last edited by Administrator; 03-30-2011 at 01:02 PM.
shelly/kellyann
what does a "friend" mean to you?
you don't have to be friends with anyone you've ever interacted with in life.
being friends doesn't mean you will be buddy buddy with him and still stay in contact......all it means is he doesn't want to be enemies.
see the difference?
My question to you is, who cares what his problem is with you and why he avoids you? Does it really matter? The guy is a sleaze, he was clearly cheating on his longtime girlfriend while he was with you. Does it really matter about anything that he says or does anymore? You are better off just forgetting about this sleazebag and moving on with your life. I don't understand why you're so hung up on him. He is the perfect example of men to avoid in dating, and here you are obsessing about why he is avoiding you. Instead of asking why, say Thank You, because you got that guy out of your life! It could have ended up so much worse, with you in a relationship with him, only to find out he was now cheating on you!
My question to you is, who cares what his problem is with you and why he avoids you? Does it really matter? The guy is a sleaze, he was clearly cheating on his longtime girlfriend while he was with you. Does it really matter about anything that he says or does anymore? You are better off just forgetting about this sleazebag and moving on with your life. I don't understand why you're so hung up on him. He is the perfect example of men to avoid in dating, and here you are obsessing about why he is avoiding you. Instead of asking why, say Thank You, because you got that guy out of your life! It could have ended up so much worse, with you in a relationship with him, only to find out he was now cheating on you!
Thank you for your input on my post. After all of the discussions regarding this man, I am really starting to see him in the way that you have described.
As it is when we were involved I was the one who took us seriously, while he was clearly trying to have us both. As many people pointed out to me, he was a game player and had no idea as to why I wanted to even be in a relationship with him. During our involvement he was very sweet and charming, and even though I had doubts, I still wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he could have been telling me the truth about everything.
So after all of this time, who needs his kind of "friendship" anyway?
Last edited by SHELLY2011; 03-31-2011 at 04:51 AM.
The following user gives a hug of support to SHELLY2011: cryingforever (03-31-2011)
What KIND Of Problem Does He Have With Me? 
This man that I know and was involved with for about a year, but still spoke to for a couple of years after we stopped seeing each other; has for some reason over the past few months chosen to avoid me when he sees me. He told me just last year that he saw me as more than a friend and that he was still attracted to me. When he asked me if I wanted to have an affair, and that you have to start somewhere, I turned him down. Even though I still spoke to him as normally as I would speak to anyone else, I wasn't going to see him on the side. Our speaking to each other still seemed to come easy in spite of everything.
